Snowdrop's journal

[owl25]

You are doing such good work with your parts. It makes sense that your ability to fight back got exiled when those things happened. How terrible that got taken away from you. It will come back to you, it's waiting to be reclaimed. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for the hugs and support, Tee and Owl.

Following recent conversations, I've been reflecting on things I did prior to IFS which may have helped me. I thought I'd write about them here in case they're helpful. They might sound a bit weird to some, but that's probably the case with most of my journal!

Before learning about IFS, I followed various guided meditations / healings from Wendy De Rosa. The earlier parts of my journal used these, and I found them really helpful. They helped to clear stuck energy, release patterns and build my Self. The guided healings around being an empath were particularly helpful as they focused on clearing early patterns and traumas. These were extremely relevant to me. Wendy has many free videos on YouTube, Facebook and her website.

Learning about shamanic journeying was tremendously helpful. Going on journeys helped me to build my Self, and get used to exploring strange worlds. I used resources from the Shaman's Way, Sandra Ingerman and Robert Moss.

When I read the Internal Family Systems Therapy book, I noticed a lot of commonality between shamanic journeys and the IFS case studies. All of my journal entries marked as IFS journeys use shamanic journeying techniques to go and meet parts. These experiences are much deeper than when I check-in with parts outside of a journey. They're much more vivid, it's easier to be my Self, and it's also easier for me communicate with parts and help them. When I was going through a hard time last month, I found it hard to be my Self until I went on an IFS journey.

[owl25]

Thank you so much for sharing this, Snowdrop. I am very curious about the shamanic journeying you talk about. It really strikes me how you say there is a commonality between that and IFS. I know Richard Schwartz talks about how when he was discovering IFS and trying to figure things out, that at one point he started to look at various religions and spiritual practices (Western and non-Western) as well, and was discovering things in there that were relevant/overlapped. It's a bit fuzzy right now what exactly he said, I'd have to look it up again, but what you wrote made me think of that.

What do you mean by the experiences being deeper than when you check in with parts outside a journey? Do you mean they are deeper because you use the shamanic techniques? Or it's deeper because you go inside to really talk and meet with parts, rather than a cursory check-in?

I'm wondering if the shamanic techniques facilitate the journeying even more than just going inside, as Richard Schwartz calls it. I'm still at the very beginning of this, and just started reading Internal Family Systems Therapy by him and Martha Sweezy, so I expect to start learning the techniques a bit better. I am curious if your shamanic approach is different from how they describe going inside?

Hope all the questions are okay, I am really curious and think this could be tremendously helpful for me. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm happy with questions, Owl .

What do you mean by the experiences being deeper than when you check in with parts outside a journey?

I guess it's a bit like the difference between meeting up with someone in real life, and talking to them over the phone. One experience is much richer and immersive than the other.

I think the book talks about quietening the mind, tuning into Self characteristics such as curiosity, compassion etc, and then scanning inside for parts which you can then communicate with. This is what my check-ins tend to be like.

My IFS journeys are more structured and intense. I put on a drumming track, usually for 20 minutes. I settle myself, and then I imagine that I'm walking down a path to a gate, which I walk through, then close behind me. Once through the gate, I'm in the place where all my journeys begin.

I ask to meet any parts I need to speak to. An Animal takes me to where they are. I usually get taken to a plain, and find parts there, usually protectors. Once there, I can speak to them and interact with them.

How I speak to the parts is like the case studies in the book. I ask them how old they think I am, what their role is, that kind of thing. In the early days, my Animal would help me, which probably gave me added reassurance and Self-energy.

Exile parts tend to be elsewhere. Again, my Animal can take me to them. Each exile tends to have its own safe space, which I visit, and my interactions are like the book case studies. I witness events they show me, and I help them unburden when they're ready. One thing I find fascinating is that my exiled parts often seem to have their own Animals.

Once my time is up, my Animal takes me back. I go back through the gate, along the path, and I'm back in the real world.

I hope that helps to explain things. If you're interested, you can find out more about the journeying side of things here: https://shamansway.net/journey/

[owl25]

That sounds amazing, Snowdrop. How long do your IFS journeys usually last? It almost sounds like you're doing some kind of meditation, to allow you to fully focus and be able to really go inside. I can see how the drumming can help with that.

Thank you for the link, I will be checking that out for sure. I wish I had time today, but we have a busy day today and tomorrow.

[Snowdrop]

Most of the time I put on a 20 minute drumming track (YouTube) and that works really well. I've usually finished what I need to do when I hear the return call. Sometimes 10 minutes is enough. A couple of times I needed an hour! This happened when I was working with several exiles, and they all wanted me to witness things and unburden in that session.

I find the combination of using IFS with journeying works really well for me, and it's absolutely fascinating. If it's something you think might help you, my suggestion is that you become comfortable with the journeys in the link before trying an IFS journey. They will help you find an Animal, and get used to journeying in general. Also finish reading the book, as this will teach you about the rules that parts work to.

Be gentle with yourself, take things slowly, and I'm here if you need me.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, one of my Protectors wants to send you a BIG shield to keep you safe from your brother. (In truth, she wants to punch him too.) Sending you love. 

[Snowdrop]

Please thank your protector for me, Notalone. I might use her shield when I go and retrieve the exile part.

[Snowdrop]

IFS journey. A lot of significant things happened.

I first met the SH part, and the manager part that was applying pressure to her. The SH part was feeling calmer, and appreciated the manager part stepping back. The manager part said she felt able to step back because the SH part was so much calmer.

I asked the SH part if she knew I was my Self, and she said yes. She didn't when I first met her, but now she did. I asked if she was protecting a part. Yes. A three year old exile. The SH part confirmed that the PA memory that recently came back was from that part. Would the SH let me see the exile, talk to her and help her? Yes, she was hoping I would.

=== TW PA ===

The three year old was stuck in the past, in that memory. She was cowering in a heap on the floor. HB was tormenting her, and hitting her. F was telling her she mustn't fight or be aggressive, that was naughty.

I stepped in, and held up the shield Notalone's protector gave me. It shielded her from the blows, and turned into a protective bubble that surrounded the part and me. HB and F disappeared, and the part looked up, astonished.

=== End TW ===

I told the part that I'd come for her. How much I loved her, how much I missed her. There were tears of happiness running from my eyes as she ran towards me and I held her tight.

I asked if she wanted me to witness anything. She showed me the memory again. I told her how brave she was. How fearless. It was wrong of HB to take her things and torment her. He was wrong to hit her. She believed me and looked delighted.

=== TW PA ===

I asked if she wanted me to do over the event. Yes. So when HB went to hit her, I prevented it with the shield, and took the toys back from HB which he'd taken from her, and gave them back to the part. I told HB that I understood that his protectors were fired up, but it was wrong to take things out on the three year old. I told him I knew his mother was abusive, and that she'd been poisoning his mind with lies. I was sorry this was the case, but it didn't excuse his behaviour. His abuse towards the three year had to stop. Now.

=== End TW ===

The three year old unburdened. Her burdens came out of her like energy leaving her fingertips, and were taken away into the air.

Next I gave the three year old gifts. A medal for bravery. The shield. A Tai Chi sword. I told her how much I admired her fighting spirit. She was delighted.

I asked her if she wanted a safe space to stay in, and she said yes. Her safe space is amazing. It's a martial arts training studio, and there's an area outside under a bamboo roof with a rectangular pool. While I was there, she started practicing martial arts forms. A crane (the bird!) appeared next to her and began training her.

I asked if the three year old was happy for us to go and see the SH part protector and the manager part that had been pushing her down. She was. As soon as they saw the three year old, they realised she was healed.

The SH part gave up her SH role. She said her new role would be to help me stand up for myself and fight for my rights.

The manager part also gave up her role as it was no longer needed. She started crying, because she felt so guilty about how she had treated the SH part. The SH part comforted her, and forgave her. The manager part felt a bit better and unburdened some of the guilt.

I returned the three year old to her safe space, and checked up on a couple of other parts.

The part who pulled down the statue of the ex was really happy. She seemed healed. She told me that there were other statues of people who had been put on pedestals, but not all parts were ready to pull those statues down yet.

=== TW SA ===

Finally, I visited the part who'd been raped. I witnessed some of what happened, and she unburdened a bit more. I told her that she hadn't been able to fight back because the part who was able to (the three year old) had been exiled. This made a lot of sense to the part who'd been raped. She unburdened more feelings of guilt and shame, and said she'd like to meet the three year old and spend time with her. I told her I thought the three year old would like that too.

=== End TW ===

Feeling really good after this journey.

[Snowdrop]

Notalone, I told the three year old that the shield came from one of your parts. She was delighted and says thank you.

[Snowdrop]

I was buzzing with energy after yesterday's journey, and hungry! Not in the comfort eating sense, but as though my body required fuel. I think it was probably the three year old part as she seemed really happy and excited. It made me wonder how much of my energy it has taken over the years to keep the three year old exiled, and the SH part pushed down.

I didn't sleep particularly well last night. Part of it was that I was still buzzing, but also there were thunderstorms here in the night, and it was hot. In hindsight, I should have tried asking the three year old part to let me go to sleep.

I've been a bit sleepy today, but apart from that, I've felt pretty good. By retrieving the three year old part, it feels as though I've got a significant part of myself back.

I checked in with parts today. All are doing well. One part was scared of getting into trouble for bringing the three year old part back, so I spent some time reassuring her. She's now ok.

[Not Alone]

We are so glad that the three-year-old was protected by the shield. She is brave and precious. She deserves to be protected and safe. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Notalone 

Curious. I'm getting the same sort of effects as when I've made a big step forward with Qigong, except that I think it's because of the three year old part retrieval. This is really significant.

[Snowdrop]

I wasn't planning on doing an IFS journey today as I have an intense work day ahead of me, but the part who tore down the statue started sharing memories and insights with me. It felt important for me to witness her now instead of asking her to wait until tomorrow or the weekend, so I went on an IFS journey to visit her.

=== TW SA and misogyny, in white ===

It happened in a country which didn't have a great reputation for women's rights. The part told the ex that she was hesitant about holidaying there. He said it would be fine because he'd be there. For context, she'd been raped the year before.

While there, the ex kept telling local men that he'd seen the part on a TV channel that sold/hired out women and bought her. She couldn't speak, she felt so shocked, shamed, dehumanised and triggered. Some of the men believed him and looked at her like she was prey. One offered money. Other men realised it wasn't true, but also realised that his attitude meant she was vulnerable and fair game. One man saw he was dangerous, and warned him off his sister.

She challenged the ex. He said it was a joke. She took things too seriously. She was overly sensitive. He had to toughen her up. He kept telling men the same story. If she spoke up, he told them to ignore her.

She was sexually assaulted by one of the men, and the ex turned his back (I've written about this before). He later said that he turned his back because it was hurtful to see. I know he did it for plausible deniability.

[I wrote something else here but I've deleted it.]

Afterwards, various firefighters were activated. I went numb. I was extremely hypervigilant around men. I sank into depression. I'm grateful to the firefighters for caring about me.

=== End TW ===

I witnessed the part. Each step of the way, I told her it wasn't her fault. She'd been set up, betrayed and dehumanised by the ex. The man who saw he was dangerous had got it right. The ex was dangerous. She was right to feel angry. She was right to feel outraged. His words, his actions had put her in a dangerous situation and she'd suffered. He'd thrown her to the wolves.

She unburdened by putting burdens into a fire pit and setting them on fire. Part way through, the three-year old part turned up. She said to the other part "I will fight for you".

At the end of the journey, I felt a huge presence. I felt it calming me and the parts. It told me everything's ok.

The part wanted me to write the stuff in the TW as it would give her extra witnesses and help her unburden. I may delete it later.

[Hope67]

Dear Snowdrop,
I read everything you wrote there, and I wanted to offer you a supportive and gentle hug (if that's ok)   
Hope