Snowdrop's journal

Tee · July 20, 2020, 12:13:17 AM

woodsgnome · July 20, 2020, 01:27:05 AM

Snowdrop: "Sparks from the bonfire formed rainbows. The rainbow energy entered each part's heart, and also mine. It felt good. I feel at peace."

Thanks for sharing this tremendously powerful description. By doing so you've expanded those rainbows to where we all could share in the peace with you.

Watching the rainbow:

Snowdrop · July 22, 2020, 08:17:47 AM

Tee:

Woodsgnome, I'm glad you were able to share the rainbow.

The IFS journey the other day was really helpful, but I have more work to do with another part. She's felt hurt and angry over the past few days because of something that happened last week. I found out something important that F had forgotten to tell me about. He spoke to HB about it at length, but he forgot about me. He forgot about me.

,

and

Being forgotten hurt because it resonated with being ignored over HB's abuse. Being told she had to make allowances. Being told that if she said anything that made F think badly of HB, he'd resent her for it. Being given the message that HB could do whatever he wanted. This part's hurt and anger are completely valid. She deserved and deserves better.

I've spoken to H and a friend about what happened. They validated me. Their reaction helped the part feel witnessed.

I was blended with the part for a bit this morning, and had a big cry. I was aware of the part that used to carry SI coming over and wrapping me in its arms. This part no longer tries to protect me using SI, but it's a part that cares about me so much that it's been with me in my darkest times.

I wasn't blended with the hurt part for very long. When I unblended, the formerly-SI part stayed with the hurt part, holding her and comforting her.

The hurt part is feeling better at the moment, but I need to go on an IFS journey to see what I can do to help her.

Tee · July 22, 2020, 01:41:41 PM

I like the way you explain your journeys. I hope you are able to calm all.

Not Alone · July 22, 2020, 09:02:27 PM

She has every reason and right to feel hurt and angry. Hug for all of you.

Snowdrop · August 05, 2020, 08:12:02 AM

Tee and Notalone

I've not posted here for a little while. It's mostly a time thing because I've been attending a virtual Qigong training camp over the past few weekends, and I've needed to focus on it. I'm finding it hugely beneficial. One of the things it's doing is relaxing and releasing my nervous system, which feels great. My three year old fighter part is loving it too

.

Love you all

Tee · August 05, 2020, 12:48:14 PM

that's great I'm glad things are going well and you found something that is helping you move forward! Here if you need anything! Big happy hug for you

Bach · August 05, 2020, 01:16:43 PM

Hi Snowdrop

Is qigong martial arts? Relaxing and releasing the nervous system sounds like heaven.

Snowdrop · August 05, 2020, 07:43:21 PM

Thank you Tee, I like big happy hugs.

.

Bach, Qigong is a form of gentle exercise that lets you work with the body's energy. It uses the same principles as Tai Chi, but instead of having lots of different movements strung together, it uses repetitions of simpler movements. Tai Chi and Qigong are both wonderful.

Hope67 · August 07, 2020, 12:56:05 PM

Hi Snowdrop,
Glad you're enjoying your Qigong conference - you inspired me to get a book out of the library about it, and I tried a few exercises, but haven't managed to keep it going. But I liked it, so might try again sometime.

Sending you a big hug

Hope

Snowdrop · August 14, 2020, 04:01:25 PM

Thank you for the big hug, Hope. Sending one to you too.

The training camp was excellent. It's let me heal some of the deeper injuries from when I was in a car accident a few years ago, and has given me much, much more as well.

I think it's also helped some parts unburden at some level as well. I've been aware for some time that the sort of releases I get from dissolving blockages and unburdening parts often feel the same or similar. I have a theory that even though the approaches are different, they do, or can do, similar things.

On a different subject, I'm thinking of drifting in to complete NC with HB. I've not been in direct contact with him for years, but even the limited indirect contact I have makes me feel anxious. Even writing about the indirect contact makes me feel anxious! I know this will sound a bit vague, but it feels as though I currently have an opportunity to go full NC with very little fuss, so that's what I'm thinking of doing.

Not Alone · August 14, 2020, 06:50:26 PM

Hope67 · August 15, 2020, 10:38:40 AM

Hi Snowdrop,
Those big hugs always make me smile

Sounds like your training camp was really good at so many levels.
Hope

Snowdrop · August 22, 2020, 01:48:46 PM

Thank you Notalone and Hope.

I tried posting here yesterday, but ended up deleting my post before anyone replied. What I wrote sounded silly, but it was about things that were triggering me. I'll try and wrote about it now, and see if I keep it. I can always change my mind and delete it again.

I've had two parts that have been activated this week over my thoughts around reducing the contact I have with HB [I wrote more here, but edited it out]. But one part has been terrified of repercussions, and another part has been really angry. It says I should make allowances for him, make more of an effort... all things that F used to tell me. This week it's like I've been overhearing these two parts, and it's been

.

I went on an IFS journey last night to talk to the parts, and it was really helpful. The scared part knows that it's safe, I'm there for her. I was also able to negotiate with the angry part, and it released some of its angry burden. There's more to do, but it felt like progress.

I read an article in the night about sibling estrangement, which I found helpful. It made me realise that neither HB nor I want to be in touch with each other, so it's probably best all round if we're not. He ghosted me some years ago, before I knew I had cptsd, and that's a pretty strong signal that he wants no contact with me, irrespective of how I feel. The article also asked why I would want to be in contact with him, and there's nothing. Just plenty of reasons why I don't want to.

I feel more settled about the whole thing today.

Hope67 · August 22, 2020, 02:38:49 PM

Hi Snowdrop,
I relate to what you said about two parts being activated and overhearing what they say - and I agree that is

- but I also think it's understandable, as those parts obviously feel strongly about things, and want to have their say. I'm glad you were able to go on the IFS journey and that you feel like there's been progress.

I found it interesting what you wrote about the sibling estrangement article. I wonder if you have the reference for it, I would love to read that too. I am estranged from a sibling too. Please only share the article if you want to, I thought I'd ask.

I'm glad you feel more settled today, but however you're feeling, know that you are cared for. Sending you a hug of support and caring

Hope