Snowdrop's journal

Snowdrop · August 22, 2020, 03:13:54 PM

Thank you, Hope. I appreciate your hug, care and support.

The article I read is here: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/21/my-sister-doesnt-want-to-see-me-should-i-give-up. It's actually a letter about someone's situation, and part of the response includes comments from a sibling specialist. I couldn't relate to all of it, but some of it resonated and helped me.

sanmagic7 · August 22, 2020, 06:56:13 PM

hey, snowdrop,

interesting to note all the reasons why not to be in touch and how they overwhelm those old messages that want to guilt or shame you to keep putting in the energy and effort. good for you for figuring this out - it's a real fighting spirit you're showing! love and hugs

Snowdrop · August 23, 2020, 02:15:35 PM

I think that's what it is, San: guilt and shaming. Thank you for naming them for me.

Right now, I can see that I'm actually pretty fortunate in that HB clearly wants nothing to do with me. It would be so much harder if he kept trying to contact me, but that's not the case. He doesn't want to, and I don't want him to. Neither person wants to be in contact with the other, so it's best to just let it go.

sanmagic7 · August 23, 2020, 10:52:19 PM

i'm with you on that, snowdrop, the idea of letting it go. it took me many, many years to learn that one, but what a relief once i did. love and hugs

Snowdrop · August 29, 2020, 07:11:44 PM

Thanks San. I've found it a huge relief too, and have actually felt pretty settled about it over the past week.

I've had a very busy work week with a couple of high-pressure days. I've copied with it pretty well though, and I've mostly felt relaxed about everything. The parts that were upset last week have felt calm and settled, and I've been able to stay in my Self well. I'm so pleased about this week, as it's felt like real progress.

Not Alone · August 30, 2020, 10:02:34 PM

Snowdrop, I caught up on reading your journal today. Sending care to you.

Hope67 · August 31, 2020, 02:41:32 PM

Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you for sharing that article, I found it interesting to read it.
I wanted to send you a hug, and also say that I'm glad that you are feeling some real progress this week, that is great news.

Hope

Snowdrop · August 31, 2020, 06:31:20 PM

Thank you, Notalone and Hope.

I was a combination of

and

for a bit this morning but I'm ok now. [I edited out why I felt so triggered]

Hope67 · September 06, 2020, 08:29:56 AM

Glad you're ok Snowdrop. Sending you another hug

Hope

Snowdrop · September 07, 2020, 07:33:40 PM

Thank you Hope.

I've been feeling a bit low over the past couple of days. I had indirect contact from HB a few days ago, and it's made me feel under threat. It's like he's playing games.

sanmagic7 · September 07, 2020, 07:38:31 PM

hey, snowdrop,

i do believe if you feel it, it's real. please be careful of HB, and gentle with yourself, ok? love and hugs

Hope67 · September 07, 2020, 07:57:54 PM

Snowdrop · September 08, 2020, 11:52:32 AM

Thank you San and Hope.

I've been thinking about why I've been so rattled, and I think there are various reasons.

First, any mention of him or indirect contact rattles me. It's hardly a new thing.

Second, I'd been hoping that I had an opportunity to drift into NC. I'd got used to it. And then this. It meant that it came as more of a shock.

Third, it's the first time I've had any form of contact since the start of the pandemic, and since my relative died of covid. I think this amplifies things.

Fourth, getting indirect contact while still being fairly locked down has made me feel trapped and cornered.

I think this last point is significant, because I can feel it taking me back to when I was a teenager and living in the same house as HB. I felt trapped then, as though I couldn't escape. Lots of fear. Also feeling that I couldn't do anything right because I'd get abuse no matter what I did. I also found it really hard to talk to anyone, and this resonates with me too. There have been lots of times over the past two or three weeks where I've tried to say something in my journal here, but deleted it.

I think that a part that's been holding on to teenage trauma has been quite activated. I need to find that part, and see if I can help her.

Not Alone · September 08, 2020, 09:20:04 PM

Snowdrop, I feel compassion for you and teen part who were trapped in an abusive house, and unable to talk to anyone. I'm angry at HB and family

and feel care for you.

Snowdrop · September 09, 2020, 03:59:48 PM

Thank you for you care and compassion, Notalone, and the anger on my behalf. I found it so helpful, and the teen part did too.

I went on an IFS journey this afternoon to see if I could help the teen part.

The first part I met was a protector who was initially scared about me talking to the teen part.

=== TW physical violence ===

The protector said HB was a violent psychopath who had threatened to kill the teen and M if she said or did anything against him. He had a machete, and would go out at night looking for people to fight. The protector was scared that if I spoke to the teen part, it would make things worse, and might put her life in danger.

=== End TW ===

I told the protector that things are different now. I no longer lived in that house with HB. I have a place of my own where I'm safe. I'm not in direct contact with HB, and I don't want to be. I said that I'd like to talk to the teen part, and take her out of that situation. I'm old enough and strong enough to look after her.

The protector agreed to let me meet the teen part, and I found her in my old bedroom. She was scared to move, scared to speak. I told her things had changed. I was no longer in contact with HB. I could protect her. She didn't have to stay there.

I asked the teen if she was willing to leave the house, and she was. She removed lots of heavy weights, walked out her bedroom door, and out the front door.

I took her to her chosen safe place - a beach house with a hammock outside where she can laze around and watch the sea. I told her she was safe there.

She shared some of what she'd been through with me. Events, thoughts, feelings.

The teen part was ready to let go of some burdens. Burdens of not being able to escape, not being able to talk, not being able to do anything right. She piled the burdens up, and we watched them burn.