Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

There's one extra thing I should add about the journey yesterday.

When I journey, I meet a guide which takes me where I need to go. It gives me help if I need it, and extra backup.

When I met my guide yesterday, it gave me an unprompted message, something that doesn't happen very often. It said that I hadn't journeyed in a while, and had been withdrawn and absent. This was because I'd felt overwhelmed. When I feel the need to withdraw in this way, it's a sign of overwhelm. I need to make sure I journey during those times, keep looking after my Self, keep posting here and stay in touch with people.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I think it's great that your guide gave you that unprompted message, and I'm glad you're back, as I missed you.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[Tee]

  snowdrop I think it's really neat how you work with your parts.  I'm glad that your back.  I hope that you listen to your guide and seek strength and encouragement from your friends here.

[Bach]

Hi, Snowdrop  I'm glad you're back and encouraged to read about your recent positive steps! Much love

[sanmagic7]

hey, snowdrop, so glad you're here, letting some of this out.  i've heard of guides before, and how beneficial they can be.  very happy to hear about yours.  sounds like a message worth listening to.  i understand overwhelm, tho, and sometimes it just takes a while to get out from under it.  please, do what you can when you can.  we are not going to be perfect with this beast.

smiling for you while sending love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Hope, Notalone, Tee, Bach and San: thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words mean so much to me. Love you all.

I decided to go on an IFS journey this afternoon to help the latest exile. It felt safe to do this as the firefighter parts have been calm, and still seem on board with me helping her. I've also had a sense of the exile being in a deep, dark pit, and I wanted to do what I could to get her out of there.

I began by meeting the firefighters. I thanked them for wanting to protect me. They agreed that a good way forward was for me to help the exile. If the exile didn't overwhelm me and could be healed, they wouldn't need to step in. They agreed to let me help the exile.

=== Possible TW? ===

I walked towards the edge of a dark pit, and as I approached, another part appeared in front of me. It was another protector part, and it told me to stay away. It said it had thrown the exile part into the pit and it had to keep her down there. I asked why, and it said the feelings she had were too much, so the protector part had thrown her away. I asked if the protector part liked keeping her down there. It didn't, it hated having to do that, but it felt there was no other way. It couldn't let the part overwhelm me as it was too much.

I told the protector part that there was another way. I was an adult now, my Self, and in a safe place. I could help the exile without her overwhelming me, and I could help her to unburden. She could heal. She could be cherished.

The protector part agreed to let me try, but warned me that it would only let her come out of the pit if things went ok. I thanked it, and it stood aside.

I called down to the exile part not to be frightened, I was coming. I then abseiled down into the pit until I reached ledge that the exile part was sheltering on. A firefly came down with me to light my way. My guide (an animal) stood guard at the top of the pit.

The exile part was young, and very frightened and distressed at first. She wouldn't show me her face and she was scared of the light in case people saw and attacked her. She asked if I was there to hurt her, and I said no, I was there to help.

I told her how sorry I was that she'd been kept down there. She didn't deserve it. I cared about her, and I wanted to help. I was an adult now, and it was safe. She didn't believe me.

After what felt like a very long time, my guide came down into the pit, and this helped. The exile part put her arms around my guide, and let herself be comforted.

The exile part began to trust me, and started sharing some of her experiences. I witnessed them. As I did so, the pit started to get lighter, and parts of it began to fall away.

=== End TW ===

After a few minutes, I realised that we were no longer in the pit. Instead we were in the opening of a cave towards the top of a mountain or cliff. The sky was a deep pink-gold as though it was near sunset, and we could see the land below.

I told the part that she hadn't deserved any of the things she'd shown me. We built a big bonfire out of the burdens she shared with me, and set fire to them.

I spent more time with the part, just being with her. I told her she was important, I valued her and she was safe. I was there for her. Eventually, my guide and I left her at the cave entrance while she looked at the view. The firefly stayed with her.

We went back to the protector part that had put her in the pit. It said how sorry it was for doing that. I told it that it was ok. It hadn't known what else to do, and it was only trying to protect me. It felt relieved that I wasn't angry with it, and it agreed to watch over the young exile in a caring, nurturing way.

I checked in with the firefighter parts, and they seemed happy.

I'm so pleased the exile part is no longer in the pit. When I think of her, I experience a warm glow inside, as though she's watching the sunset with her firefly.

[Tee]

  that's awesome snowdrop.  I love the imagery you give to you journeys.  I feel these ways at times but can't find words to describe them.  Unfortunately I tend to see flashbacks instead of images of my parts. It makes it hard to help the fractures when all I can see is the horrors. I'm glad you were able to help the exile.  What a big step!  With you sending love and support!

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Tee . I agree, helping this particular exile feels really important.

I've been reflecting on what you said about the visuals of my journeys, feeling similar things and also flashbacks.

When I get flashbacks, I'm blended with a part and not my Self: the part has taken over, and I'm seeing its experiences.

When I'm my Self and not blended with a part, I get a sense of where different parts are and what they're up to. I might get glimpses of images, I might not.

When I sit down for a dedicated journey, I usually get quite rich visuals. I know that different people experience journeys in different ways, and this is how they tend to work for me.

I don't know if any of this is useful, Tee, but thank you for making me think.

[Not Alone]

I am so glad that exile Part is no longer in the pit and that she is watching the sunset with her firefly. My love to her, her Protectors, and you, Snowdrop.

[Tee]

 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Notalone and Tee.

Feeling good after retrieving the exile yesterday. I've felt much more relaxed, also buoyant with more confidence. A feeling of assurance, groundedness and "I've got this". I've been my Self. I've also had a sense of the exile watching the sunset all day, and it's been like the light of that sunset has been filling me.

I've just been on another IFS journey to check on the parts.

The two firefighters are feeling pretty chill. They're happy to let me get on with things and continuing to help the exile.

The protector part that put the exile in the pit (a manager part) told me that it felt so guilty for keeping her in the pit all that time. I told it that it was ok. It hadn't known there was another way, and I hadn't been there to help it. But I'm here now. I invited the manager part to unburden it's guilt, and it did so by releasing it into the air.

The exile was pleased to see me, but nervous. She didn't know if I was going to put her back in the pit, and I reassured her. I said I valued and cherished her, and I wasn't going to let her go back down there. Also the part who had exiled her down there was very sorry and regretted doing so. She forgave that part.

The exile and I sat down together at the front of her cave watching the sunset and a fire she'd built. She shared some experiences, which I witnessed. HB always laughing at her and taunting her, seemingly for just existing, and making other people laugh at her too. Her parents laughing at her for playing with toys she'd been given. Her boundaries being torn down. Not being able to escape the shame and humiliation that was put on her. I recognised how triggered she must have felt by things going on in my current life.

I told her that HB was very cruel to her, and any shame was on him. Also her parents were very wrong for laughing at her. She was a child and had every right to be a child and play with toys.

The part unburdened feelings of shame and humiliation into the fire. We watched them spark upwards.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Tee]

  that's really great!

[Snowdrop]

I didn't sleep very well last night. I think a part was feeling restless, and that kept me awake. Apart from that, all is going well. I noticed today that as I was doing some work, a part was cheering me on. I've also had a sense of the retrieved exile watching the sunset.

IFS journey.

I met the firefighter parts first. They were very pleased with how it's going with the exiled part, and they told me that they'd been the ones cheering me on. I thanked them, and told them what a difference that had made to me. I like them doing that, and I'd love it if they continued.

I sensed a part that was feeling uneasy and a bit doubtful, so I asked that part to appear, and spent time talking with her. She said she was scared of things going wrong with the retrieved exile. Scared of being dragged down into the pit. I told the part not to worry, and explained what I was doing. I was my Self, which meant that I could heal the exile. Nobody was going to be dragged into the pit. It wasn't going to happen. The part felt better about this, and I put her into a safe space where it would feel more relaxed.

I briefly met the manager part who had put the exile in the pit. This part seemed well today. I told her that the exile understood what had happened and forgave her.

Next I went to see the retrieved exile. She was pleased to see me, and very excited to see my guide as it was different to the one she met before. My guide flew both of us into the sunset and into a rainbow. We both felt the colours filling and healing us. It helped her to release more of her burdens.

When we went back to the retrieved exile's cave, she mentioned a teen part, one I've worked with before. She said that the teen had anchored her so that she didn't fall any further into the pit, but this meant that the teen part had also felt the pull of the pit. She wanted to see the teen.

We went to meet the teen part, who was delighted to see the retrieved exile. The two spoke about the pit, and both parts unburdened energy relating to it. The energy they released was like golden, swirly light.

I took the retrieved exile back to her cave and held her close. I told her how much I loved her and how valued she was.

I then went back to the teen part by myself. The teen told me how she'd felt the pull of the pit through her connection to the other part. She was so pleased that I'd retrieved her from that place, and unburdened a bit more. The teen seemed more open with me than before.