Snowdrop's journal

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #720 on: February 18, 2021, 08:45:40 PM »
Hope, Dollyvee, Tee, Notalone, Woodsgnome and Blueberry: Thank you so much for your care. As I read your posts, tears came to my eyes. They meant a lot to me. I've not caught up with your journals yet, but I will do. :grouphug:

Woodsgnome, I'm glad you're finding IFS-type things helpful. Also, when you say "...like I really didn't want to see what I was seeing" that makes a lot of sense. I tuned into a webinar Greg Marsh gave recently, and he said that there's often something in the background that the person with vision problems doesn't want to see. There's a replay of the webinar here: https://www.bettereyesightnow.com/webinar-replay-2021-02-04. And older webinars are here: https://www.bettereyesightnow.com/webinar-archives

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So, what's been going on with me over the past few weeks?

In the last IFS journey I mentioned, I said that I unearthed some parts that had been buried and exiled. They spent a long time just wanting to sleep in a safe space, so I pretty much just let them. In a way, it felt as though we all went into hibernation for a bit, and it felt right to do so.

Some parts felt upset over the goings on at the Capitol on January 6th as it reminded them of HB. I was still able to function reasonably well though, and it was helpful to hear lots of people say that such behaviour was unacceptable. The parts felt a lot more settled after the inauguration.

Over the past week or so, it's felt as though some of the parts who were hibernating have been waking up. I've had some more memories surface, largely interactions with kids I went to school with. These memories are things the parts want to share with me, so I've been listening to them, and putting them in context. It would be useful for me to do over some of these memories at some point, but I'm mulling over the most appropriate way to do this, and what would most help those parts.

Another factor with the parts waking up is that I stepped up my Qigong practice a couple of weeks ago. One of the things I'm doing is known for bringing stuff to the surface in order for it to be healed, and I wonder if this has been happening. I've also been aware of more Self energy, which may well be another factor.

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #721 on: February 19, 2021, 05:46:31 PM »
Snowdrop, thank you for sharing. When I read that you had parts who wanted to sleep for a long time and that you let them do that, I felt the kindness and relief in that.

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dollyvee

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #722 on: February 19, 2021, 07:15:40 PM »
Welcome back Snowdrop. No worries, just wanted to stop by as you had some pretty big insights and then disappeared. Glad to hear everything is ok.  :grouphug:

Thanks for the Janine Fisher info - I came across her recently and had some good points about trauma and loneliness. Also helping me a bit with understanding dissociation.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #723 on: February 19, 2021, 08:35:32 PM »
Notalone and Dollyvee :grouphug:

Two of the parts who were hibernating have been sharing shame with me this week. I think this is progress, as shame is something I've previously buried. I'm glad that the parts have felt able to trust me.

The bigger picture of this shame has been unveiling itself bit by bit. The first part, for example, felt shame because when she was about 6-8, she said things to a friend that were a bit mean. The day after, I was shown how mean that friend had been to her, and she was responding to that. The day after that, I was shown how someone else had set the two of them up, and played them off against each other. Underneath all of this was HB's abuse, and how this normalised some things, and warped others.

There hasn't been a critical part involved in all of this. Just my Self seeing the context, acknowledging what happened, and helping the part that felt the shame. It's felt very calm.

Last night, I stepped into the memory to help the part. I apologised to the friend, while acknowledging how much she'd hurt me. I explained that we'd both been set up, and I was willing to rebuild our friendship.

I think the part has unburdened a lot of the shame through this.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #724 on: February 22, 2021, 04:23:00 PM »
All going well after my last post. The part I was working with seems quite settled. It's like she has closure.

I still need to help the second part and do over something she felt shame over. I'm listening to parts and waiting for more pieces to come together before I do this. There are various facets I need to take into account.

It's sunny today, the snowdrops are in full-bloom, and this morning I saw a crocus. Spring is on the way. :sunny:
« Last Edit: February 22, 2021, 05:25:06 PM by Snowdrop »

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #725 on: February 26, 2021, 05:02:11 PM »
I've been unpicking a lot of things to do with the second part. She's 13.

She initially came to me with feelings of guilt and shame over a boy at school. One of his friends asked if she'd go out with the boy, and she absolutely froze. She couldn't think, couldn't feel, couldn't speak. Fear, wanting to escape, shame, and guilt that she was messing the boy about. But she couldn't help her reaction. It was completely understandable.

=== TW SA ===

When I was 12 years old, the boys at school used to sexually assault and harass the girls. It happened every day, every break, between lessons, walking home from school, even in lessons when the teacher's back was turned. Nothing was ever done about it, and it was just normalised.

=== End TW ===

I now recognise that this happening (and the fear of it happening) every day was traumatising. Particularly on top of all the stuff relating to HB. So of course she froze. She was scared of the boys at school. She was scared back home. She was scared of being noticed and seen, because that usually resulted in HB attacking her.

The part understands all of this now. She realises she did nothing wrong. She's beginning to let go of the guilt and shame.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #726 on: February 27, 2021, 04:42:17 PM »
I've been feeling very settled after yesterday. More my Self, with a feeling of space. It feels as though parts have unburdened, relaxed and settled down.

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dollyvee

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #727 on: February 27, 2021, 05:12:49 PM »
That's a terrible school environment. I wonder what is wrong with people to allow stuff like this in schools.

 :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #728 on: March 07, 2021, 03:07:38 PM »
It was an awful environment, Dollyvee. It was probably allowed because that was the "easiest" option. It was so widespread that they couldn't just give detention to a couple of boys. Doesn't make it right though. :hug:

I've had a big insight into a critical part. H has been grumpy this weekend about something, and even though I know it was nothing to do with me, a part has been anxious, fearful and self-critical.

As a child, F was often angry with me, and I didn't know why. I remember him saying "you don't even realise what you've done wrong" and getting angrier instead of explaining. It began to feel as though *I* was wrong, and a terrible person. The critical part tried to stave off some of this anger by looking things I'd done wrong, or that was wrong with me. Maybe if I knew why I was so wrong, F wouldn't be so mad at me.

Now that I know why this part has this critical part, I'm hopeful I can work with it.

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #729 on: March 07, 2021, 07:49:42 PM »
The situation at your school makes me angry. What a horrible environment.  :pissed: To the 13-year-old, you absolutely did nothing wrong. I'm glad you are beginning to know that.

It is an awful situation to feel responsible for someone else's feelings and to feel like you did something wrong/something to cause those feelings, but you don't know what you did. It is a heavy, scary weight that I am familiar with.

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dollyvee

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #730 on: March 10, 2021, 11:07:43 AM »
It was an awful environment, Dollyvee. It was probably allowed because that was the "easiest" option. It was so widespread that they couldn't just give detention to a couple of boys. Doesn't make it right though. :hug:

You're right and what is even more infuriating for me, is that it probably means some of the parents were complicit or gave their implicit agreement in allowing it to happen, thinking that it's normal. I know I would be a parent that they wouldn't hear the end of if something like that happened to my child.

That sounds like a really good insight  about your critical part :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #731 on: March 11, 2021, 08:48:26 PM »
Notalone, thank you for sharing your anger on my behalf. It helped me to feel the anger, which helped the part. The 13 year old hears your words and appreciates them.

It is an awful situation to feel responsible for someone else's feelings and to feel like you did something wrong/something to cause those feelings, but you don't know what you did. It is a heavy, scary weight that I am familiar with.
It's :stars:, and I'm sorry you're familiar with it. You shouldn't have been put in that position and made to feel that way, which helps me recognise that I shouldn't have either. Thank you.

Dollyvee, when I read your words, I imagined the behaviour at my school written out in a school prospectus. It helped me to recognise how bad it was. Thank you.

=====

I went on an IFS journey this evening to help a couple of parts.

The first part was about 12. She was very frightened about speaking up about things or asking for help in case she got into trouble. In case it was seen as "telling tales", which she was told was wrong. She was told she had to make allowances for HB's behaviour, and this made her believe she had to make allowances for everyone's behaviour, no matter what.

I told her I was an adult now, and she should absolutely tell me if anything was wrong. She deserved to be heard and taken seriously. How she'd been treated was wrong.

I did over F telling her to make allowances by picturing him telling her that if ever anything was wrong, she could tell him. He cared about her and wanted to know. And if she couldn't tell him, she could tell M, or a teacher, and she'd get help. The part unburdened.

I also met with the protector part who tried to stop F being angry with me by looking for everything that might be wrong with me. She now realises that F was very wrong to put this on me. She said she was willing to give up looking for faults, and unburdened.

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #732 on: March 12, 2021, 02:31:41 AM »
 :bighug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #733 on: March 12, 2021, 09:27:02 AM »
Notalone :grouphug:

Thoughts/beliefs from a teenage part have surfaced. Putting them here until I have a chance to deal with properly.

=== TW  :Idunno: ===

Very very isolated. Had to keep people away who were possible threats, and had a very low threshold. HB had hit my friends. Made threats against my friends. Charmed other friends so they wouldn't believe me. I had to protect my friends, and could only do that by keeping them at a distance. I had to protect my friends by not being their friend :stars:. There was nobody there to protect me.

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #734 on: March 12, 2021, 02:31:14 PM »
I hear the weight of needing to protect others and the darkness of isolation. I'm so sorry.  :'(     :'(      :'(