Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for hearing that part, Notalone.

I had headaches yesterday after writing things relating to the part. This might be a protector part trying to distract me.

More stuff from the part which I'm putting here.

=== TW ===

When I was about 11 (making him 19), HB said that I'd destroyed his life. By being born. He hated me, wanted me dead. Looked into me with cold black eyes. Terror. HB had to live elsewhere for my safety. But he came back a few years later, and that destroyed my life. I was supposed to move away from home. And I couldn't leave M with HB in the house. He'd made threats. He had the weapon. I had to protect her. A part self-sabotaged me so I had to stay.

===

This teen part went through such a lot. Too much. I want her to know that I'm here. I'm sorry I wasn't there back then, but I'm here now. Here for her. She's not alone any more. I will protect her. She doesn't have to carry this weight.

[Snowdrop]

It's been quite a hard week.

Early in the week, I was affected by the Meghan Markle interview. In particular, having mental health problems, not being heard, and being told she couldn't get help.

Then came the news about the woman who was killed. Lots of women shared their stories of abuse, violence, harassment. What happened to her could have happened to any of them. To my loved ones. To me. The shared stories helped me realise more that things that had happened to me weren't my fault, but the perpetrator's.

Then a friend asked for my help with something. I helped them, but doing so triggered the teen part I mentioned in my last few posts, and brought her to the front.

Then there was the vigil for the woman who was killed. I lit a candle for her at home and told her how sorry I was. She did nothing wrong. It could have happened to anyone. I saw images of violence from the vigil that shocked and angered me.

This evening I decided it was the right time to help the teen part.

=== IFS journey ===

I started off with the protector part that gave me a headache. The part said that it gave me a headache to distract me from the teen. It didn't like hurting me, but felt it had to. I thanked it, and asked what was it scared of? The teen part taking over, it said. It didn't want her feelings and experiences to overwhelm me. I explained I'm an adult now, and my Self. I could make sure she didn't overwhelm me. Instead, I could help her so she wasn't carrying those burdens any more. I asked the part if I could speak with the teen, and it agreed.

Next, I went through a similar thing with a dissociative protector part. It too wanted to keep the teen at a distance, but agreed to let me help her when it saw I was my Self.

Finally, I spoke with a part that was fearful of the teen part. That part agreed to let me speak to her as well.

After this, I went to the teen part. "You're here!" she cried. "You came!". I said yes, I'd come for her. I apologised for taking so long, but I hadn't known about her. But I was here now.

I witnessed the teen's feelings. She was in anguish and despair from everything she'd been through. The constant fear. So lonely. Having to protect people, but not having anyone to protect her. I let her cry and wail and scream.

When she was calmer, I asked about witnessing events. She showed me a lot of things. The key thing was her having to protect others from HB, which also led to self-sabotage and isolation.

I thanked her for sharing, and took her out into the countryside. I told her that the feeling of having to protect others at her expense was a burden that had been put on her which she didn't need to carry. She hadn't realised that she didn't have to carry it. I told her that it was ok to think of herself. Protect herself. And I was here now to protect her. After a lot of discussion, and with help from my Guide, the teen removed the heavy weights she'd been carrying and threw them in a pond.

After this she felt very tired so I took her to a place where she'd be safe, and tucked her up under a duvet.

===

Helping this part is very significant. I completely understand why she surfaced this week. And being aware of her in this way means that I can help and heal her.

[Not Alone]

Beautiful. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Notalone.

IFS journey.

I checked in with the teen parts protectors. They are still happy for me to work with her.

When I went to see the teen part, she was still very sleepy. She told me that she welcomed being able to relax and rest in safety, and wanted to continue sleeping for a bit longer. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her, and wrapped her in the soft duvet again.

[dollyvee]

Then there was the vigil for the woman who was killed. I lit a candle for her at home and told her how sorry I was. She did nothing wrong. It could have happened to anyone. I saw images of violence from the vigil that shocked and angered me.

This has been very hard for me as well. It's even hard to articulate having to deal with the everyday sexism when there can be consequences like this and how triggering that is. Especially with the police response at the vigil and now the anti-protesting ban that was pushed through commons. I feel anger and powerlessness.

It's a great to wake up after a good night's sleep. How nice your part is going to be so refreshed when she wakes up 

[Snowdrop]

I agree, Dollyvee, that anti-protest bill along with everything else is just . It looks like it's been pulled for the moment, which is something at least.

I went into a bit of a panicky EF yesterday evening. A car parked up outside our house for quite a long time with the lights on. It took me back to being stalked, and some parts were terrified. There's more I could say, but I can't right now.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you both, Snowdrop and Dollyvee, about your feelings around the vigil, the young woman who was killed, the anti-protest bill. I read about it but I don't live in the UK anymore, I haven't for a long time, so it's not so disturbing to me as it might have been in earlier years. So I'm standing with you both and hope there are no more scary situations for you, Snowdrop 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Sending you a supportive hug  and hoping that you are ok after that event you talked about - I hope your parts are feeling calmer. 
Hope 

[owl25]

You're doing such good work snowdrop. I know I say this every time I read your journal, but you do and it is amazing to see. I love that your teen is sleeping under a fluffy duvet, safe and sound.

I haven't followed what's been happening in the UK, in part to protect myself from all the bad news that's always out there, so I've only picked up bits and pieces about what happened to this woman and the aftermath. I know enough to know it's bound to affect people. I hope you are managing ok with it.

[Bach]

 

[dollyvee]

Hope you're feeling better 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for your care, everyone. Sorry I've been away for so long, but there's been a lot going on. The more stuff that happened, the harder it got to come here and write.

One of the big things is H was made redundant. Parts have been pretty activated about this, and there have been other triggers too.

[Armadillo]

 Welcome back. I'm new here but really sad to hear you've had many challenges and triggers the past few months. Hug at the bottom if it is comforting.

[woodsgnome]

It's wonderful to see you post again, Snowdrop. As has been pointed out many times, this journey is anything but linear, and for sure it's never easy. Sometimes it requires a break from our best efforts as it can get rather overwhelming.

There isn't much to add to that picture, beyond feeling encouraged that you seem to have hung on through lots of 'stuff'. It's good to know you're still being with what your heart nudges you towards.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Armadillo and Woodsgnome .

I will try and write about a few things.

I've had a few more memories surface. They've not been pleasant, but they've made a few more things click into place.

=== TW physical abuse  ===

Some memories go back to when I was about 5, making HB about 13. HB used to headbutt me a lot, and I'd scream in pain and sometimes start blacking out. He'd chant about how weak and pathetic I was, and if anyone caught him doing it, he'd say he hardly touched me. I think that reinforced the "weak and pathetic" goading. I want the parts holding this trauma to know that they're not weak and pathetic. It would have hurt anyone.

I remember F telling me that I had to make allowances for HB, and try harder.

One time when I was about 6, HB tried to force me to do it to him. I didn't want to, but he forced me to, and I was scared, so I did it gently. I now know that this was just manipulation. It gave him an excuse to do it to me even harder, and he said it was retaliation for what I'd done to him. I remember him telling M that she couldn't shout at him for what he'd done to me because I was just as bad and I was asking for it. There are parts who feel ashamed of this and feel that they're bad, but I want them to know they're not. They were forced into something they didn't want to do, and he was much older and stronger.

=== End TW ===

=== TW food and eating ===

I also have memories of being too frightened to get food from the kitchen in case HB was there. Being in the same room as him didn't feel safe, so sometimes I'd go without food to avoid going into the kitchen, and other times I'd overeat because he wasn't there and it was safe to eat. I think there are parts who still carry these patterns.

=== End TW ===