Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

One more thing I will add. When I was about 19 I saw a T for around 6 weeks. This was because I basically fell apart from the age of 16-17. I wasn't able to fully trust him, but I did tell him about this incident. The T said that it wasn't enough to explain how I was feeling. He said that all siblings say they want to kill each other, so it was no biggie.  I disagree but it made me feel minimised and invalidated.

[Snowdrop]

There are things I need to say about my previous two entries.

I am not responsible for caretaking other people's feelings.
I didn't deserve those threats. They were wrong.
My feelings were (and are) valid.
It was abuse.
I wasn't responsible for someone else threatening me.
I wasn't responsible for HB being told to leave our home.
None of it was my fault.

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, snowdrop,

i've seen that cold, icy look in someone's eyes when threatening me.  that t was absolutely and completely wrong.  not all siblings threaten to kill one another, for one, and the sexual feelings you felt were also real and deserved to be reckoned w/.  i'd go even farther and say that was more than abusive, it was traumatic.  yeah, that t diminished and denied your thoughts and feelings.  sorry you had to go thru that.

i'm glad HB was made to leave, so that you could have some sense of safety again.  and no, none of it was your fault, none of it was your responsibility.  i'm glad you were able to tell your mom and that your parents took steps to eliminate the problem. 

all your affirmations are spot on.  i'm so very glad you were able to realize them.

i'm just sorry you had to go thru that.  it sucks.  but, thanks for sharing.  sending love and a hug filled with safety to you.   

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for the hugs and validation. I'm sorry you've seen that look too, San. You're right, it was traumatic. 

I went on another journey this afternoon, this time to meet the inner figure that makes me hypervigilant and sends me flashbacks: my inner hypervigilant for want of a better term.

I found her under a trapdoor. I opened the trapdoor, switched on the light, and went down the steps. I asked her to come into the light where I could see her, and she did so. She was extremely uptight, eyes darting about everywhere and with messy hair.

I asked her what her purpose was, and she said it was to keep me safe and stop me getting into danger. She wanted to warn me about anything that might be a danger, and sent me flashbacks to make sure I knew what kinds of things could happen.

I thanked her for her efforts, and told her that times had changed. I was an adult, in a place of safety, and the things that she thought of as dangers were no longer a threat. I asked if she could tone it down and relax a bit, and she nodded. She seemed quite relieved.

I then asked if she'd be willing to be my inner protector instead of my inner hypervigilant. She could still keep an eye out for danger, but she only needed to let me know about things when necessary. When there was an actual threat that I needed to know about. Again, she nodded, and she was happy to take on this role.

I went back up the steps out of the trapdoor, and my inner protector followed me. I took her over to an outdoor spa under a gazebo so that she could still look out for me, but also relax and be pampered.

This journey was similar to one I had a year or two ago. I was getting a lot of grief from my inner critic, so I met with her, and she agreed to be my inner cheerleader instead.

[sanmagic7]

wow, snowdrop, what you're doing is amazing!  you are re-scripting in a different way than what i've known.  i'm loving it! 

i, too, have a protector who shows herself to me when i'm in danger.  i know how very helpful that is, and how powerful it feels.  excellent that you can experience it, too.

keep up the good work.     well done!  sending love and a hug filled w/ admiration for all you're doing.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, San  . It will be interesting to see what happens with my inner protector. The last thing I heard she was going for acupuncture and eyeing up the hot stones! 

[Snowdrop]

A slight correction to yesterday. I used the term inner protector, which wasn't entirely correct. She's more of an inner guard, and the journey was literally about relaxing my guard. I know the two things sound similar, but her role is to warn me of dangers, rather than leaping into action and dealing with them. The problem was that she saw everything as a threat, so she was trying to warn me about everything. And when everything is a threat, it's harder to discern real dangers. With greater discernment, I'll be better protected. I think there's work here to do with boundaries too.

[Snowdrop]

I had an online meeting a couple of hours ago. It went pretty well, but there was one point where I felt triggered, went a bit shaky, and pushed down my emotions.

After the meeting I felt really upset and wanted to cry. I also had feelings of guilt, shame and despair. My hearing also changed, as though sounds were more hollow. After about 20 minutes I realised that I was having an EF. This is significant, as it's the first time I've realised it's an EF so quickly. Normally it takes a few days of feeling dreadful.

Recognising the EF helped. I sat in a chair and felt the floor under my feet. I consciously started breathing deeper, which calmed me down, and I then looked for the places in my body where the trauma relating to the EF was being held.

I found a large patch of trauma energy in my upper body, so I started breathing into it, and breathing into the emotional energy of the EF. This felt horrendous for about a minute, but then it softened, and after about five minutes, the EF stopped.

There are a few significant things here. I recognised the EF, the EF went when I accepted it and breathed into it, and I found where it was being held in my body. This means that I should be able to revisit where it's being held, and dissolve it.

[woodsgnome]

Very cool, Snowdrop, and as you say, quite significant. 

Thanks for sharing the steps -- it's like reading a blueprint of how one person was able to take one significant step in the recovery process. It sometimes takes work to do, but recognizing and then actively dealing with self-care can make a huge difference.

[Three Roses]

Thank you for sharing your approach to your EF. It's helpful to hear what works for others! 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, woodsgnome and Three Roses. 

I think I've been grieving today. But although I felt sad and a bit tearful at times, it didn't feel like a bad thing. I don't think I tried to suppress or get rid of the grief, I just sat with it.

I've also been quite busy. I've been meaning to deep clean the hall carpet for several years, and today I actually did it  . It was quite tiring as I had to lug furniture about, but I'm pleased I got it done, and the hallway looks better.

[sanmagic7]

 

maybe the grief is connected to the work you've been doing.  you're letting those inners transform for you, and change always includes a loss.  i'm glad you're just able to be with it.  love and hugs   

[Jazzy]

Sometimes it is healthy to grieve; especially when you can just sit with it, and it does not overwhelm you.

Great job with the hall carpet! You must be so proud having accomplished that. Keep up the good work. Take care!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San and Jazzy  . Yes, it felt like a good kind of grief, so I think it was a positive thing.

I felt quite scared this morning about a mistake I may have made relating to HB. I felt very scared about possible repercussions, but also weak and pathetic.

Cptsd is horrible. Some days I'm reasonably OK, but on days like today I'm aware of how far from normal my reactions are. On the plus side, I felt OK this afternoon.