Snowdrop's journal

[Blueberry]

Welcome back, Snowdrop

my heart goes out to you for those things nobody protected you from! Your parts aren't bad. They didn't do anything wrong. Your HB did.

[Armadillo]

 


Sending you lots of compassion as you process these memories of abuse. That's some serious manipulation and you did nothing to deserve it

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,

I've missed you. It's good to hear from you although saddened that things have been difficult. I'm sad to hear about the abuse that your HB inflicted on you and angry that you were not protected.

[Tee]

  a gentle hug to all of you and especially your little parts. If that's ok. I'm so sorry that you grew up with this fear and shame.  It is not fair and definitely should not have been yours to carry. You should have been protected. 

I've missed seeing you and hearing from you but I've been MIA too. But know you have continued to be in my heart and thoughts.  Sending a big hug of warmth calming and understanding and no judgement.

[Snowdrop]

Blueberry, Armadillo, Notalone and Tee: thank you so much for your compassion and understanding. Reading your words brought tears to my eyes. I feel better about what happened now. It's helped parts see that it wasn't their fault.

======

I've had EFs the past couple of days, but I'm coming out of it now. H said something on Monday that put me into a bit of a tailspin. It was just a little comment meant as a joke, and I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it did.

I've felt more my Self today, so I spoke to H about it, and he apologised. I'm glad I was able to speak to him, and parts are reassured that I'm standing up for them. Things feel better.

[Tee]

  I'm glad you were able to talk to H about it and he apologized. Send a hug of encouragement and comfort

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Tee, for your support and care.

I was wondering today if anyone else experienced flashbacks after getting the covid vaccine, and I found this in Hope's journal:

I had my vaccine the other day - it was as if my smaller parts (a couple of them) believed that I was being poisoned, and that I might die.  I really feared I might.  Thankfully I have been ok, but I have felt some side-effects, and my arm has been very sore.  I was helped by seeing that Bach had mentioned experiencing flashbacks as a result of having the vaccine.  I felt less alone with my experiences knowing that.

I had rotten physical side effects from the vaccine, but also flashbacks and EFs for a few weeks after each one. It was as though I lost my Self, and it was one of the main reasons why I couldn't post here for a while.

It feels as though I'm just getting back to being my Self again, and this is a big relief to me. I feel more balanced and in control, as opposed to being thrown around by everything.

[Blueberry]

I had rotten physical side effects from the vaccine, but also flashbacks and EFs for a few weeks after each one. It was as though I lost my Self, and it was one of the main reasons why I couldn't post here for a while.

It feels as though I'm just getting back to being my Self again, and this is a big relief to me. I feel more balanced and in control, as opposed to being thrown around by everything.

Oh Snowdrop, that sounds terrible with the vaccine. I'm so sorry

I'm glad you're beginning to feel better and can come and post here again. I know what it's like to feel thrown around by everything, happens to me quite a lot still. I experienced a bit of flashback after the second jab but nothing like as bad as in your case. I mentioned it on Hope's thread.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for the validation, Blueberry . When I read your words, it makes me realise how bad it was.

There's talk about having Autumn booster jabs. I don't know if I'll be offered one, but if I am, I wonder if there's more I can do to prepare parts for it. I probably need to sit them all down a few times beforehand and explain why it's needed in more detail.

=====

There have been a couple more things going on over the past few weeks I want to mention.

The first is I've been extremely busy with work, and it's been difficult to make time for myself. I have a big deadline coming up at the beginning of September, and I've also lined up more work a bit later in the year because of H's redundancy. To make sure I make the September deadline, I've relinquished a bit of control. I will focus on things only I can do, and other people can pick up things that they are able to do.

The other thing is a couple of weeks ago I met a friend who I hadn't seen in a few years. The last time I saw her she minimised my traumas, and I found it deeply upsetting. Various parts were upset at the prospect of seeing her. I had increased flashbacks and EFs because some parts wanted to show me how bad the trauma was so they couldn't be minimised. Other parts made me dissociate to protect me from hurtful words.

I agreed with parts that when I met her, I wouldn't let them be minimised. If particular subjects came up, I would make sure they were heard.

In the end, meeting my friend went pretty well. "Unsafe" subjects weren't touched upon. I felt triggered a couple of times, but I realised that was the case, and asked the triggered part to make space for my Self. I guess the main thing is that parts didn't feel minimised, which was my fear.

[Snowdrop]

Last week I bought the new book by Richard Schwartz called "No Bad Parts". Unlike the "Internal Family Systems Therapy" book which I found so helpful, it's not aimed at clinicians. I don't have much free time at the moment, so I'm reading it in tiny chunks.

One thing I noticed when I skimmed through the book is he referred to manager parts as parentified children parts. I don't think I've seen them described like this before, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm currently reading Chapter 1, and the following on willpower and shame resonates with me:

Because this willpower ethic has become internalized, we learn at an early age to shame and manhandle our unruly parts. We simply wrestle them into submission. One part is recruited by this cultural imperative to become our inner drill sergeant and often becomes that nasty inner critic we love to hate. This is the voice that tries to shame us or attempts to outright get rid of parts of us that seem shame-worthy (the ones that give us nasty thoughts about people, for example, or keep us addicted to substances).

We often find that the harder we try to get rid of emotions and thoughts, the stronger they become. This is because parts, like people, fight back against being shamed or exiled. And if we do succeed in dominating them with punitive self-discipline, we then become tyrannized by the rigid, controlling inner drill sergeant. We might be disciplined, but we're not much fun. And because the exiled (bingeing, raging, hypersexual, etc.) parts will seize any momentary weakness to break out again and take over, we have to constantly be on guard against any people or situations that might trigger those parts.

[Hope67]

I wonder if there's more I can do to prepare parts for it. I probably need to sit them all down a few times beforehand and explain why it's needed in more detail.

Hi Snowdrop,
I think that sounds like such a good plan, and I think I'll be doing something similar with my own parts, in preparation for any booster of the vaccine that is offered. 

I've been reading the things you've written from Richard Schwartz's book - it really sounds like a good book - I have pre-ordered it and it should arrive in August, all being well.  But I wanted to thank you for suggesting reading a section on Kindle beforehand, as that sounds like a good option.

Also, I wanted to send you a supportive hug, and say I missed you when you weren't around, and I'm glad you're ok and back again.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Hope, I missed you too.

This evening I went on an IFS journey to check in with parts and make sure they're ok. It was important for me to do it this evening because I have a busy day tomorrow, and I wanted to make sure all parts are on board.

I spent some time with my cheerleader part, and told her how much I valued her. I asked for her help for tomorrow, and she was delighted. She alternated between hugging me and running around shouting "awesome!"

I also spoke to a very young part who was scared of being seen and heard. This was because HB was cruel to her when he or other people noticed her. It made her contract, and try to be as small as possible. I told her she was in a safe place, I wouldn't let her get hurt, and helped her unburden some of her load. As I write this, I can feel her beginning to expand.

I also spent time with a teen part, but I can't say too much about her right now.

I'm currently aware of another young part who now realises how much she was manipulated by HB, and she's . Her anger is completely justified, and she has every right to that anger. As I write this, I can see/feel her unburdening and becoming settled.

[Snowdrop]

Back to the "No Bad Parts" book.

The last part of Chapter 1 has an exercise on parts mapping. This is where you draw parts as you find them, and look at how they relate to one another. It's something I'm familiar with, but have found too overwhelming to do. So many parts come up, and I have resistance to drawing them.

After the parts mapping exercise, the book says:

It's likely that what you found is one clove of the garlic, as we call it in IFS. You might be familiar with the onion analogy used in psychotherapy—you peel your layers off and you get to this core and then you heal that and you're done. Well, in IFS it's more like a garlic bulb. You have all these different cloves, each of which has a handful of different parts inside that are related to each other, and maybe are all stuck in one place in the past. As you work with one clove, you'll feel relief from the burdens it contained, but you may not have touched other cloves that revolved around other traumas. So this mapping exercise is designed to bring forth one of your cloves—one subsystem within you.

This sounds like what I experience with journeying. I focus on clusters of parts, which fits the clove of garlic analogy, so it's like reaching a similar destination through a different route.

I can't draw parts during journey-mode as it would require a different state. I could theoretically draw them afterwards, but again, I have some resistance to that. This could be from parts who don't want to be seen, and find the idea too much, so I'm not going to do it. It might be helpful in terms of engaging a different part of my brain, but I think writing the journeys down serves a similar purpose.

From the book:

I recommend this exercise for many contexts. For example, if you have a pressing issue in your life, go inside and map it out and some of the answers will come to you—either about what decision to make or about what parts are making it so difficult.

I sometimes do this with the journeying approach. It might be helpful to do it more often.

[Jazzy]

Hi Snowdrop! 

Sorry there is so much resistance on this topic, I guess there's a lot to work through. That's okay though, you'll get there!

It's really great how you are respecting your emotions (resistance); acting not to overwhelm yourself while looking for new ways to progress. That's an extremely impressive approach.

I hope you find a good way to work through all of this; I'm sure you will if you keep it up.

<3 Niko

[Snowdrop]

Hi Niko! Thanks for stopping by.

Sorry there is so much resistance on this topic, I guess there's a lot to work through. That's okay though, you'll get there!

Just to clarify, the resistance isn't actually something I feel I need to work through. I didn't mean it to come across that way. It was more a reflection that the journeying approach I use reaches the same destination in a different way, which I find interesting.

I'm finding the book useful. It has a different audience in mind compared with the "Internal Family Systems Therapy" book, so it gives a different perspective, with new things to consider.