Snowdrop's journal

[BeeKeeper]

Snowdrop, this is so incredibly valuable to me. I relate to the teen part and now want to give this a go as well.  Stay the course! 

besides the fascinating part, i, too, see you as being courageous, determined, and persistent in your quest for recovery of your true self.  well done, snowdrop!    love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, San. I'm glad you're finding it interesting, and that you're feeling up to posting. Your words mean a lot to me .

Thank you, Armee, I'm glad you're finding it useful, and given you things to think about.

I also wonder if this type of work would work with people who can not visualize or hear things in their head.

I know that with journeying, things can be perceived in different ways. I wonder if that might be the case with IFS as well because I find there's a lot of overlap. Sometimes I get a sense of what is said rather than exact words, for instance, and sometimes there are physical sensations. It could be something that gets easier with practice.

Thank you so much for the encouragement, BeeKeeper, I appreciate it. I'm glad you're finding it helpful.

=====

Another pretty good day. I got more done than I thought I would, and my two adviser parts have been very helpful. A few times one of them had a grumble, the other one heard and understood, and then they settled down to solve the common problem.

I've now finished Chapter 5 of No Bad Parts, and found it a useful chapter that I need to come back to and read again. It goes into the different types of part, including protectors-in-exile which I don't think I've read about before. Also the relationship between the types of part. I want to come back to it because I think it might help me find more protector parts I can help and heal.

I went on an IFS journey this evening to check on on the parts I've been working with. All the parts are well. None of them had anything they wanted me to witness, or help them unburden.

I met a few other parts too, including another protector part who makes me dissociate. She said it was to keep me away from any exiles so I wouldn't get hurt. I spent some time getting to know her, and she stood back when she realised I was my Self and an adult. I need to spend more time with this part.

[Armee]

I'm so happy another part let you meet them.  You're doing awesome on this journeying. I especially love how it seems your parts feel very heard and understood by you.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, Armee . I find that the more I visit parts, the more receptive they become.

I've had another pretty good day. I got quite a lot done, despite the heat. The two adviser parts worked well together again. I've noticed that the part that was more volatile has calmed down a lot. Today she even found something funny that would have made her a few days ago.

I embarked on this evening's IFS journey with the intention of checking in on parts.

The very young part and her former protector were a bit sleepy. They said it was the heat.

The part that was angry at being manipulated was ok. Just happy being a part.

When I went to visit the teen part, I felt a bit of dissociation. I unblended, and it was the protector I met yesterday who makes me dissociate. She wanted to know more about parts being healed. She was a bit sceptical, so I took her to see the very young part. When the protector saw her, she was surprised, and quite overcome by how she'd improved. She was also surprised to see a protector who had given up her role.

I asked the protector if I could see the teen part. She was reluctant and said the teen was bad. I explained about the healing that had taken place so far, that the teen wasn't bad, but had been in a desperate amount of pain. I asked the protector if she'd like to meet the teen with me, and she agreed.

The teen part was doing pretty well. She told the protector what life had been like for her, and the protector realised that she wasn't bad, and didn't have to be kept away.

After this I spent more time with the protector. She told me she was scared of giving up her dissociative role in case I got rid of her. I told her I wouldn't do that. I valued her, and her actions had almost certainly saved my life. This really pleased her, and she said she would ease up on the dissociation and see how things went.

After this I met the cheerleader part, and the advisers. I told them all how much I valued them.

Finally, I met a part who made me feel very anxious. She said she did this to warn me of potential dangers. She didn't trust me to keep myself safe because I dissociated such a lot. She had to keep making me anxious to counteract the protector who made me dissociate (the one I spent time with earlier). The stronger the dissociating part was, the stronger she had to be, so it was like there was a bit of an arms race going on.

I explained that the dissociating protector had decided to calm down. Did that mean she could calm down too? Yes, she said, if she was certain that the dissociative protector meant it. So I brought them together, let them talk, and the anxious-part agreed to ease up a bit. I'm not there yet, but my hope is that both parts might agree to stand down together.

=== TW mention of SV ===

From something the anxious protector said, I think she might be a protector for an exile holding SV trauma. It feels as though the exile is far away, but I caught a hint of her voice. I know she's there.

=== End TW ===

I think tomorrow I need to spend more time with the dissociating and anxiety-inducing protectors. I'd like them to feel more relaxed. I also want to find out more about the new exile.

[Snowdrop]

Quite a busy day. Had some work done on the house, which I found unsettling. Also some work stuff that was a bit aggravating. But apart from that, I was pretty steady for most of the day.

For this evening's IFS journey, I started off with the two advisers. One was a bit annoyed about the aggravating work stuff, while the other understood but was more logical. They recognised they wanted to solve a common problem, and after airing their views, they reached agreement.

I then spent some time with the dissociative part. I dissociated a bit this afternoon, which the part said was to protect me from the anxiety-making part.

I then spoke to the anxiety-making part, who said she made me more anxious because of the work being done on the house. She had to make sure I knew her opinion. I suggested that she could tell me when things bothered her, instead of overwhelming me. She agreed to consider it, but was really concerned about bad things happening. More from her later.

Next I visited the very young part and her former protector. This time, the former protector wanted to unburden the guilt she felt over keeping the young part down. She wanted to celebrate her instead, so she threw the burden into a volcano.

The former protector then felt scared that she'd done the wrong thing. I told her she hadn't, thanked her for protecting me, and said I was here now. I could make decisions and keep the young part safe. I witnessed all the fear the former protector felt over the young part being noticed, and she released that burden too.

Next I visited the teen, witnessed some of her pain, and she unburdened a bit.

Finally, I went back to the anxiety-making part. She was very suspicious of me, and I asked her why. What was she scared of. She then said "I don't understand why you got yourself into that situation". This was illuminating as it was something a therapist said to me when I was being assessed for CSA counselling [yes, I know, what an awful thing to say].

I realised that the part had taken on some of that therapist's energy. I witnessed what had happened, how she'd felt. I then did over the situation for her by telling the therapist she was in the wrong job and her words were hurtful, wrong and inappropriate. I then walked with the part out of the therapy room, and she dumped her burden of the therapist's energy into a river.

The relationship between me and the part was much better after this. She seemed a lot more trusting and open, and wanted to be with me.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I really relate to what you said about work being done on a house is unsettling, I find that a lot and have done so in the past, when it's happened.  I'm glad that you're feeling pretty steady for most of the day that you mentioned.

Your descriptions of communicating with your parts and witnessing some of the pain of the teen, and the fact she unburdened a bit, that's really great.  Really interesting also that a part had taken on some of that therapist's energy - I really think the statement that therapist made was very insensitive, and as you rightly said, an awful thing to have said. 

I think you're building up trust with the part you mentioned, and it's lovely that she seems more trusting and open, and wants to be with you. 

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for your words, Hope. I appreciate them, and so does the part. They helped her feel understood, witnessed and validated, and I felt her soften as I read them.

=====

The anxiety-making part had lots to say about the therapist this morning. Part of her felt that the therapist must have been right. I told her she wasn't, and explained why. The part felt better after this, and reading Hope's words helped too.

I got quite a lot done today, despite the heat. I was pleased with the progress I made.

For this evening's IFS journey, I concentrated on the anxiety-making part. She told me she trusts me, and she'll let me meet and interact with any parts she's a protector of. I thanked her, and said I wouldn't just yet, but I would when it felt like the right time.

I met all the other parts I've recently been working with as well. They're all fine, and some of them are getting to know one another.

At the end of the journey, I tried the path exercise from Chapter 6 of No Bad Parts. I felt a lot of expansive Self energy.

[Armee]

It's beautiful how you were able to help the anxiety making part release the energy of that [awful!!!!] therapist. And no wonder she had to guard against someone else making that kind of statement again by preemptively embodying that attitude. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for your words, Armee, and the validation. I appreciate it, and so does the part . I'm so she released that therapist's energy. The experience of going to someone to try and get help, and getting more damage in return is just .

This evening's IFS journey was fairly short. All the parts were ok, but affected by a catastrophising part who's been active today. I tried to look for this part, but couldn't tune into her. I'll try again tomorrow when I have more time.

[Armee]

I wish you better luck connecting tomorrow but also love how you were respectful of your parts and gave some space when needed.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, love the whole visualization of dumping that T's words into a river by that part of you who was feeling unsafe in a way.  what a great effort she made, courageous and brave.  frickin' therapists who harm their clients, well, i've been there more than once and it's an awful thing to get out from under.  you did it so well.

keep up the good work.  it sounds like you're making so much progress.  wonderful to hear this.  sending love and a hug filled with a restful cloud on which to relax after such hard work.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, dear San, for your support and validation. I welcome the restful cloud, and I can feel myself sinking into it. A big hug to you.

H thought I needed to take today off work, so apart from half an hour spent getting stuff out my head, I did. It was most welcome, and let me catch up on things I've just not had time to do.

One of the things was catching up on the preliminary session of an online Qigong workshop I wasn't able to attend live. I found it very useful, and I felt much more relaxed afterwards. I learned some things that will be helpful for me generally, and that I can also use in IFS journeys.

I've just gone on an IFS journey to meet the catastrophising part. I first called all my other parts together, explained I was my Self, and the work I'd been doing to heal parts. I understood the impact the catastrophising part was having on them, and I could help them by calming that part down. Did I have their permission?

The parts gave their permission, with the anxiety-making and dissociating parts being particularly interested parties, so I asked if they could show me the part.

The catastrophising part was huge, and chained up like King Kong. It was full of rage, like an animal, and other parts had chained it up like that because they couldn't cope with it. I had a sense that the part catastrophised because that was its reality.

I tried talking to the part, but I couldn't get through to it past the rage. I decided to take it through an exercise to dispell that rage, and when I'd done that, the part became a young girl who collapsed in the chains.

I had tears in my eyes seeing the part like that, and so did the other parts. They realised she was a part who needed help, but they also felt wary of her.

I asked if I could put the part somewhere more comfortable, and they agreed. I moved her to a room only I could enter, and let her rest and wash.

After she'd rested, I went in to her. I healed where the chains had cut into her, and told her I cared about her. She told me to leave, she wanted to be alone, so I left the room. As I walked out, she asked me if I'd come back another time.

After this, I checked in with the other parts, and they were all ok.

===

I think the journey was a success. I met the catastrophising part, and she's somewhere more comfortable. Other parts have compassion for her now as well. She's suspicious of me, but I'm glad she wants to see me again.

Over the next few days I need to keep going back to see her, and take things from there.

[CactusFlower]

I just wanted to say, thank you so much for sharing your journey and this work with parts with all of us, it's so brave and so enlightening. I spoke to my T about the book and the "parts", and she seems to think that I'd be totally fine if I wanted to try that. I'm just trying to convince  myself to buy it now. Your work sounds so deep and so powerful. I know it's not easy for you, but it's inspiring and makes me hopeful that it might something that helps.

[Armee]

Wow. This is very very powerful snowdrop. I am heartbroken for that chained up part of you and so happy you found your way to set ot free.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, CactusFlower. Good idea to check with your T. It's probably a case of whenever feels right for getting the book.

Thank you, Armee, and for your compassion towards the part.

I've felt pretty good today, quite relaxed and mellow. I've not done a lot, and that is perfectly ok .

This evening I went on an IFS journey to check in with parts, make sure they're ok, and help them feel relaxed. I'm aware that the first half of this week is quite stressful, so over the next few days I need to avoid doing any work with them that might stir them up.

I met the anxiety-making and dissociating parts first. They were fine.

The catastrophising part was more relaxed. She was initially angry with me, and I apologised for not being there for her then, but I was now. I also told her I cared for her, and she began to soften. I asked if there was anything she wanted that might bring her more comfort, and she asked for some books.

I also gave the part a lockable box so that if she wanted to, she could put burdens in it she no longer wanted or needed to carry.

All of the other parts were ok.