Snowdrop's journal

[sanmagic7]

i love that you give the parts something 'tangible', such as a lockbox, in which to store the negativity until they're ready to look at it.  very clever! 

sounds like you're making great progress, soothing those who need soothing, explaining when it's appropriate, and listening in order to validate and support.  well done!

keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

Snowdrop,

Your work is totally impressive to me and very valuable for dealing with parts that are feared. I agree with san that the lockbox idea is inspired! Thank you for doing your work and sharing it. It makes a difference that you may never "see" but the ripples spread out to infinity. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for the support and encouragement, San. It means a lot.

Thank you, BeeKeeper. I really like the idea of the ripples spreading out.

=====

I've not posted for a few days because I've been so busy with work. It's been a bit but I'm taking it bit by bit, and I know I'll get through it. The two adviser parts have been wonderful, coming up with plans to help me through. I'm so glad I have them. It also helps to remind myself that anyone would find it stressful, let alone someone with cptsd.

I went on an IFS journey to check up on the parts.

The anxiety-making and dissociating parts were surprisingly ok. I didn't know if the anxiety-making part might be finding it a bit much, but she says it's helped her to know she's not alone. She suggested I do something this weekend to help me relax.

The dissociating part was also ok. I thanked her for not making me dissociate while everything's  been going on, and she said she didn't feel the need to.

Next I met the catastrophising part. She was pleased to see me, and was willing to talk. She said she'd been putting burdens in her lockable box, and was finding it helpful. She also said how nice it was to be able to sit down when she wanted, or curl up under soft blankets. Being chained up had made her so tired and desperate, and she spoke a bit about this.

I spoke to the part a bit about Self and parts, and she asked me how old I was. She was surprised when I told her what year it was, my age and a bit about my current life. She'd been stuck in the past.

I told the part that I hadn't sensed her catastrophising quite so much. She started laughing, and said she didn't need to with all the stuff I currently have on . Then she stopped laughing, looked me in the eye, and said I should do something for myself this weekend to help me relax. I told her I wanted to catch up with some more of the Qigong workshop I missed attending live, and she thought this was a good idea.

I then checked in with the young part, who said she felt tired and wanted to go to sleep. Another part then made itself known, who said I should go to bed early and get some sleep. I then checked in with the teen part, who said a similar thing.

Finally, I met the adviser parts, and thanked them for everything they're doing.

=====

I thought that was an interesting and encouraging journey. The parts I've been working with seem to be settling down in spite of all the . It's like we're all on a boat, and the sea's got a bit choppy, but they're working with me to keep everything afloat.

[CactusFlower]

Just wanted to pop in and let you know you inspired me to try this work to see if it helps. I also got an email offering me some google play credit for an ebook, so that plus my current balance meant I only spent about $2 for the ebook version! I tend to read on the computer anyway, so I feel that email was kin of a nudge to get the book, if you know what I mean. Thank you for continuing to write about all the work you're doing with this.

[Snowdrop]

I know exactly what you mean, CactusFlower .
I appreciate you telling me, and I hope you find it helpful.

=====

I did some work this morning, then this afternoon I did more of the Qigong workshop. Some parts of it are on relaxing and releasing emotion, focusing on anger in particular. I found some parts were joining in, so I said they were welcome, and invited others to join in too.  It felt like parts were unburdening, and there was a sense of this spreading to parts of parts.

Afterwards, a part told me that they'd previously thought anger was unacceptable for me under under any circumstances. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to feel anger, she was scared my parents would reject me, so she'd exiled parts for feeling angry. The workshop had made her think again. She now realises there's a better way of dealing with anger.

I went on an IFS journey afterwards. All parts seemed relaxed and peaceful. Some said they'd unburdened during the workshop, and the catastrophising part unburdened some anger while I was with her. The part who had felt anger was unacceptable told me she wanted to help other parts unburden anger rather than exiling them.

[BeeKeeper]

Snowdrop,

I'm really encouraged by your ability to participate in the Quigong workshop and welcome your parts into your life.

It felt like parts were unburdening, and there was a sense of this spreading to parts of parts.

The part who had felt anger was unacceptable told me she wanted to help other parts unburden anger rather than exiling them.

The first idea of unburdening and spreading to other parts is so hopeful for me. I feel that happening in a tiny, tiny way also, and wondered what was happening.  This is unfamiliar territory in the sense that listening and accepting what all parts say is new and shocking. I have only allowed a couple parts to speak and when one pops up that I haven't recognized I struggle to see, hear and understand.

The second statement about allowing unburdening vs exile is really great. The words may be different, but the concept is the same, Whenever I reject or cut off feelings, experiences, it always clamors to come back and that actually makes it louder and stronger. This has taken me years to accept but I see small changes that tell me I'm on the right track. Thanks for trusting us with your journeys. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad it's helpful and hopeful, BeeKeeper .

The words may be different, but the concept is the same

I find this quite a lot with IFS. When I first read the Internal Family Systems Therapy book, so many things clicked into place for me. It also gave me a sort of roadmap for navigating the inner landscape, if that makes sense.

=====

Something a bit different happened this morning.

H said something that deeply triggered the very young exile I've been working with. He didn't mean to, and he was very apologetic as soon as he realised what he'd said. Normally a protector would immediately push the exile back down again, but this time it didn't. Almost certainly because of the work I've been doing recently with the exile and her protector.

The exile really wanted to speak to H, and it felt as though I was speaking to him from the part and from my Self at different times. I hadn't meant for this to happen, it just did. The part told him some of her experiences, he listened (making her feel witnessed), and told her what had HB had done to her wasn't her fault. He even explained why there was nothing she could have done to stop it, which made her feel a lot better and understood. After that she went away.

So a few things:

1. I'm so glad I explained to H a bit about parts before this happened! He didn't freak out, and he was very gentle.

2. I was aware of what was happening and didn't dissociate.

3. I didn't get any protectors leaping in and re-exiling the part.

4. I was able to speak. Usually I can't (protectors) and my throat hurts if I try.

5. I think ideally I should have asked the young exile part to step aside, and let me speak for her. I don't really know why I didn't, because I was there as my Self, and she probably would have done if I'd asked her.

So there you go. I wanted to write this down while it was fresh in my mind. In a bit I'll go on an IFS journey, and see where that takes me.

[owl25]

Hi snowdrop, I just caught up with your entries, and it's so nice to see the progress you are making with your parts. I just wanted to let you know It is really helpful reading about your experiences with your parts. I am starting to be able to do a little more with mine and I loved reading that you had two parts realizing they had the same goal, and that they work things out together now. I can see that you are quite a bit ahead of me in your process with your parts, but this also shows me what I can look forward to with my own system.

It's also great to hear your thoughts on the new book. I haven't ordered it yet because I have other books I'm trying to work my way through now, but it's good to know parts that stand out.

It is interesting your exile spoke up instead of having Self speak for her. I wonder if she needed H to witness her directly, and Self understood this and so let that happen. The changes that happen after working with parts are amazing.

[Snowdrop]

It's good to hear from you, Owl . I was thinking of you the other day, and wondering how you're getting on. I'm glad you're finding my experiences helpful.

It is interesting your exile spoke up instead of having Self speak for her. I wonder if she needed H to witness her directly, and Self understood this and so let that happen. The changes that happen after working with parts are amazing.

This is what I wondered too, and it's definitely part of it. I found out more through the journey, which I'll write about next.

=====

I started with the young exile part who spoke to H. She came bounding up to me, and told me how much she likes him. She said she spoke to him because she wanted him to hear her and to be accepted. She felt he heard her (extra witnessing), accepted her, and as though she belonged.

I spoke to her former protector. She said she was happy for it to happen because she trusted my Self to handle it and look after her. She knew my Self was there, so it was ok.

After this, I asked the parts if they wanted me to do anything. They said they wanted me to go back and stand up for her in the past, so I did.

The parts then unburdened by putting burdens onto a boat which they pushed onto the sea and set on fire. I then showed them my house in the present, and told them they belonged.

I then visited the other parts.

The dissociating part said she didn't need to step in because my Self was there and she trusted me.

The catastrophising part had more anger to release, so I helped her to dissipate it.

The teen part was carrying a burden. She didn't know what it was, but she wanted to get rid of it. We tried dissipating it in a similar way to the anger, which seemed to work.

All other parts were ok.

=====

Protectors standing back because they trust me is progress.

[owl25]

Amazing progress, Snowdrop. So glad that your parts shared with you how that happened, it makes a lot of sense. 

[Armee]

What happened with H and your exile part and self is so important. I'm so happy that was able to happen, thanks to your work with your parts and with talking to H about all this. 

[Hope67]

  to you Snowdrop. 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Owl, Armee, Hope:

Too much work stuff going on. If it's not too much to ask, please send tea and cheerleaders.

[Armee]

Coming right up!

Teatime! Any tea you want I've got it right here for you. Perfect temperature, perfect sweetness, perfect strength.




Those busy times at work can be so so draining when you don't have the reserves built up for it. You can and will get through today. Every turn, be as kind to yourself as possible.

[Snowdrop]

Ohhhh Armee, you're wonderful! The tea is perfect, and the cheerleaders are so welcome.

It's an exceptionally busy month. One day at a time!