Snowdrop's journal

[BeeKeeper]

Snowdrop,

Thanks for the links, although I could only look at the second one. The writer offers this early on in the article:
"When you are ready to begin untangling yourself from the trauma bond between yourself and your narcissistic parent, accept that this may be much harder than you have planned."  True 'dat!

It took me decades to separate and deal with F, but I had an advantage that he became open to change in the last year of his life. I can say that keeping your guard up, along with eventually tolerating how it feels to enforce boundaries are good "transferable skills" in recovery. A boundary is a boundary. I wish you continued awareness and strength.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, just dropping in to say hi and to give you a hug. 

[Blueberry]

  to you Snowdrop.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Bee, Notalone and Blueberry.

I'm still in the land of EFs, but in a sense it's been educational.

One of the things F lashing out made me realise is it's no wonder a part took on a catastrophising burden. He told me if various catastrophes happened (which they haven't, to any parts who are listening!) then it would all be my fault. Also, I was on my own preventing or fixing them. I think I had a lot of this growing up.

I've also had SH parts saying hello. I've not been tempted to SH, but I've been aware of those parts.

I've also had a sore throat through much of the week and felt run-down. It's probably an infection, but it could also be part-related. I said something, so a part might be trying to prevent me doing that again.

There are other things, but I'm struggling to get the words down.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a lot of realizations, snowdrop.  putting those unrealistic expectations on you was definitely not ok.  the idea that catastrophes would be your fault must have been a horrible burden to carry.  may i say hello to all your parts who have worked so hard to keep you alive and sane.  so very glad you're here.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Sending care to all your Parts, Snowdrop.

[BeeKeeper]

Snowdrop,

Your post reminds me of my own catastrophizing (spell check doesn't like this word!)

When we are in the "Cat mode" or mindset, it opens the door to SH in a lot of ways. Even if our SH has remained "dormant" it can activate it within a short time, and here we go again.

All this is to say, is if you can pull yourself back from the brink of thinking in the Cat mode, the other parts and voices may recede too. At least that's my experience. I've been working really hard to keep perspective lately and noticed the best thing I can do is choose one or more things I am, or can do, or have done that tell me how I'm unique from others. Then think a bit on that. Affirm all the stuff you like and value about yourself. I know there's plenty.

[dollyvee]

I've also had a sore throat through much of the week and felt run-down. It's probably an infection, but it could also be part-related. I said something, so a part might be trying to prevent me doing that again.

Hi Snowdrop,

Sending you support, it sounds like a difficult time. I've been doing some meditations recently and noticed that I was getting a sore neck. When I looked more into it, I learned that one reason for this energy centre shutting down is feeling guilty. For me, I had to take on responsibilities that weren't mine out of guilt, and/or felt guilty for doing/not doing a lot of things. This is just my experience as it relates to me, not sure if it's applicable  for you.

dolly

[Not Alone]

How are you, Snowdrop?

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I was just thinking about you, and wondering how you're doing.  I hope you're ok.  I know you've been having some significant realizations and that some of your parts haven't been keen for you to speak out - but please know that you are cared about, and what you have to say is important to the people who care about you.  I think that.  I hope you don't mind my saying that.



Hope 

[Snowdrop]

San, Not Alone, Bee, Dolly and Hope - thank you, my friends. I appreciate your care from the bottom of my heart.

Sorry for not being here much (again). The stuff with F was a lot to deal with. I then developed a mild chest infection (not covid), and now I have shingles .

Despite all this, I'm feeling ok in myself. I'm mainly taking it as a sign I need to rest and look after myself.

[rainydiary]

Snowdrop, I appreciate you sharing all the burdens you have been caring.  I hope that you find the right rest that supports you. 

[Armee]

Even mild shingles can be so painful and exhausting I hear. I'm relieved you are taking it as a sign to rest. Take care of you. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for your good wishes, Rainy .

Thank you, Armee. It's painful, but relatively mild, and I want it to stay that way!

The timing of it is curious. It can be triggered by stress, and I've had plenty of that. But I also wonder how much of it is parts related. Several parts were in distress last month, so it's possible that a firefighter stepped in to distract me.

[Snowdrop]

Interesting. I went to sleep this afternoon, and as I was drifting off, I had a vague sense of when I had chicken pox as a child. I can't remember details, but I know I was loved, tended to, and cared for.

I told the part giving me this sense, and other interested parts, that they don't have to be ill or have chicken pox in order to be cared for. I love them unconditionally and I'm here for them no matter what.