Snowdrop's journal

Blueberry · August 29, 2019, 08:53:54 PM

Yes, cptsd is horrible.

Feeling scared is neither weak or pathetic. That is possibly your ICr. speaking? Us feeling scared? It goes back to when we were really really scared, to when the traumatising things happened.

Jazzy · August 29, 2019, 11:36:24 PM

Yeah, that kind of thing can be really difficult. It's good that you were feeling OK in the afternoon though!

Snowdrop · August 30, 2019, 05:07:56 AM

Thanks both!

Quote from: Blueberry on August 29, 2019, 08:53:54 PM
Feeling scared is neither weak or pathetic.

Interesting. When I read the words "weak" and "pathetic" I hear them in HB's voice. I remember him chanting "weak weak weak" at me. It was usually if I cried or told M after PV, and it felt humiliating as I couldn't escape it. Over time, it stopped me seeking help as I was scared of repercussions. I think it was also something that eroded my boundaries.

I need to see what I can do to get HB out of my head.

Jazzy · August 30, 2019, 11:32:17 PM

QuoteI need to see what I can do to get HB out of my head.

That's a really big step. Its good you're at a place to recognize it. It will take some work, but you can do it!

Hope67 · September 01, 2019, 07:45:02 AM

Hi Snowdrop,
You're making some big realizations, and that takes a lot of courage, and I agree with Jazzy that you can do this. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok.

Hope

Snowdrop · September 01, 2019, 08:19:38 AM

Thanks both.

I've made a decision. I need to take myself off a waiting list for a particular T. I'm on two waiting lists, but I have serious misgivings about one of them, and I need to act on it.

The waiting list is with a charity for CSA survivors. The first three quarters of my assessment went well. I was told that my experiences were really serious, and that I qualified for help (I wasn't sure if I would as I tend to minimise my own traumas).

[Edit: I've removed details about my assessment, which left me with flashbacks.]

I know that if I saw a T through this charity, it wouldn't be this person, but it would be in the same building, possibly in the same room, and I might see the assessor while I was there. I don't think I can face that. I also have concerns about the charity given how I was treated. So I think I need to listen to myself and get out of there.

Tee · September 01, 2019, 03:46:33 PM

you're never to blame for rape. I'm sorry this happened. Listened to yourself.

Jazzy · September 01, 2019, 11:04:08 PM

Sounds like a good idea. I hope the other T works out better for you Snowdrop. Take care!

Snowdrop · September 02, 2019, 07:31:18 AM

Thanks Tee and Jazzy.

I've now told the CSA charity to take me off their waiting list, and I feel as though a weight has lifted. I have questions about the T I'm still on a waiting list for, but I'll only really know if he's suitable for me when I get to see him. If he's not suitable, it's not the end of the world by any means, as I think I've been making good progress with the work I've been doing.

I think I've been continuing to grieve over the past few days, and also adjusting to the work I've been doing. I rested a lot at the weekend, and today I feel as though I'm coming out of it. There have also been a number of things going on which I normally find difficult or triggering, but I feel as though I may have come out the other side and I'm ready to move on.

Tee · September 02, 2019, 12:21:15 PM

that's good keep moving forward.

Snowdrop · September 02, 2019, 07:19:14 PM

More releasing and integration this afternoon. Some fear, but also emotions and traumas relating to other people that I was caretaking. They were never mine to deal with, and it's not helpful for me to keep hold of them.

I also did some more dissolving this evening. If I focus my intention on a particular trauma (or aspect of trauma) before I begin, the blockages in my system relating to that trauma usually show up pretty quickly now. I think it's also becoming easier to settle my mind on each blockage.

sanmagic7 · September 02, 2019, 09:59:38 PM

wow! that's some intense work you're doing, not only personally, but also w/ knowing that t isn't right for you, that place isn't right for you. i echo the others that rape is never your fault, and i'm truly sorry that assessor harmed more than helped.

i think you're doing great, snowdrop. you deserve some rest. the processing of this stuff can take its toll, and can also continue after we did the actual work. behind you all the way with this. sending love and a hug full of self-care.

woodsgnome · September 03, 2019, 12:34:41 AM

Sanmagic7 said: "I think you're doing great, snowdrop. you deserve some rest."

Woodsgnome echoes the sentiment:

and hopes you'll keep finding a way forward.

Snowdrop · September 03, 2019, 07:46:45 AM

Thanks both.

I noticed this morning that the car accident part of me that I retrieved from under the cellar now feels pretty well integrated. It doesn't feel like a separate part of me, and the memory of being injured has lost its heat. It just feels like a memory. This is a very good thing.

I did some more energy work this morning. I mentioned that I did some releasing work yesterday, and that was primarily chakra-based. Today I switched to a more Qigong-based approach to clear stuff that I couldn't shift yesterday, and it was very successful. I expelled oily turbid chi through my arms and legs into the ground, and when I'd got rid of it, I replaced it with beneficial energy I could use.

After this, I journeyed down to where the oily energy had formed a pool as it felt as though it was still lurking in the ground. Earth Mother was there, and I told her that I wanted the energy to transform and go to where it was needed. The energy caught fire, and the flames were a beautiful pink/gold colour. I could see golden sparks flying out from it. I then turned my back on the fire, and called my power back. It came back to me from all directions and filled me. Earth Mother was pleased with me, and she told me that I was strong, and following the right path.

Afterwards I noticed that my vision was a lot clearer. My emotional state and traumas have a huge effect on my vision, so the clarity I experienced after doing this work was significant.

sanmagic7 · September 03, 2019, 01:13:08 PM

wow! that's amazing work, snowdrop. when those memories can lose their impact, that's a huge shift in your brain. plus, all the energy work you did is a big deal, too. i hope you can take some time for rest, let your brain and body process all this, integrate and jell fully. what you're doing, how you keep pushing yourself can be great, but it can also be exhausting. i know that part all too well.

and, forward! love and hugs