Snowdrop's journal

[woodsgnome]

  This is all I can muster for you, and your parts, right now.

I know it's not enough, but it's heartfelt, so at that level perhaps you can at least sense the support you need.

[sanmagic7]

  to all of you!  and, lots of love and support to help you cope. 

[Snowdrop]

She's passed on. Thank you all so very much for being there. Love you all.

[Panda]

We don't know each other yet but I wanted to say my condolences to you and your family. May your relative rest in peace

[woodsgnome]

For you -- 

[Blueberry]

Dear Snowdrop - for you 

[Hope67]

  for you Snowdrop, and thinking of you at this time. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

So sorry, Snowdrop. 

[owl25]

Hello Snowdrop, I'm new so we haven't met yet, but I wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss. These are very difficult times, I am so sorry this has happened. I hope you have a lot of support around you.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Panda, Woodsgnome, Blueberry, Hope, Notalone and Owl25. Your support and care means so much to me.

I've been finding things hard. Tears are never far away, and I spent some of yesterday just sobbing. I feel overwhelmed, various things all piled onto me. I'm going to randomly burble and see if that helps.

I feel guilty. I didn't go and visit my relative when I knew she was ill. I know that objectively there were good reasons for this. She almost certainly had CV19, and if I'd gone to visit, there was a risk that I might have passed it to H and my parents. Also my visit would have put care home staff at more risk and made their job harder. One thing that preys on my mind is that I was offered the chance to visit, but I declined for these reasons. I know that logically I made the right decision, but I feel awful that I did.

I knew at the start of all this that not everyone around me would make it. I knew that my relative was the most vulnerable. Staying away was the best way of keeping her safe as she was being looked after, but I don't feel great about it.

I'm scared of losing anyone else to it. I've been doing my best to try and keep H and my parents alive. And I feel angry, scared and horrified by the reckless attitude some of my neighbours are taking. While I was waiting for news about my relative, there were VE Day parties going on as though the virus had gone away.

I've been so scared that my relative passing away might mean me having to see HB. In spite of all the work I've done, the thought of being in contact with him terrifies me. Particularly while in lockdown where there's no escape. Thankfully this hasn't happened, but I'm still scared of it.

I've been finding work difficult. Hard to be motivated. It makes me feel useless. Lots of things making me feel useless.

There are self-care things I could do, but I just don't feel like doing them. I don't feel I have the energy.

It's hard to be in my Self, and I know that's a key thing behind how I'm feeling. There are various parts having a hard time, and I need to try and muster up the energy to use an IFS journey to help them. There are the parts who feels guilty that I didn't go and visit. There are the parts who are scared of HB. There are the parts who feel useless.

Thinking in this way is helping me to be in my Self more, and I realise that the lack of motivation, lack of energy, lack of being able to do anything is coming from a protector part. A firefighter? Yes. I need to meet this part and find out what's going on.

[Hope67]

  to you Snowdrop. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I've been finding work difficult. Hard to be motivated. It makes me feel useless. Lots of things making me feel useless.

There are self-care things I could do, but I just don't feel like doing them. ...

It's hard to be in my Self, and I know that's a key thing behind how I'm feeling.

This really resonates with me atm so I just want to let you know you're not alone. Some of the reasons and explanations are different in my case, I think, and probably even some of the solutions.

What I don't have are all those other things you're dealing with like a relative passing away during lockdown and fear of contact with HB. That has got to make things much harder for you. Sending support, it's all I can do 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Not Alone]

Your relative passing away, fear of other loved ones in your life catching covid-19, and fear of having to interact with your HB is a LOT to hold. It would be for anyone. No wonder work is hard and you're lacking energy.

It sounds like you made the wisest and most compassionate decision for your relative and your family by not visiting her.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Hope, Blueberry, San and Notalone. It helps to know that you're there.

IFS journey.

Some prominent parts were feeling unsettled and upset because if my relative and the general situation. I acknowledged their pain, and told them I'm here with them. They're not alone.

I met with a couple of protectors. One is trying to keep me away from making decisions. It realises that the decisions I had to make were painful, so it's trying to save me from them. I thanked it for caring about me, and reassured it that I was ok. It doesn't need to stop me from making decisions.

My head was feeling a bit woolly, and I realised that there was another protector trying to wrap me up in cotton wool to protect me. I thanked it, and reassured it that I'm ok. It's ok for me to think and feel.

I realised after the journey that when I was around 8-12, I saw my relative as a potential escape from things at home. My parts haven't just been grieving the loss of the person, they've been grieving the loss of the safety net. I want these parts to know that I understand, but it's ok. I'm not a child any more. I'm an adult, I'm in a safe place, and I will keep them safe.