Snowdrop's journal

Snowdrop · May 22, 2020, 06:07:19 PM

I've felt much better yesterday and today.

I've been checking in with parts. In particular, I asked the part wrapping me up in cotton wool what it was afraid might happen if it stopped protecting me in that way. It thought of me as a child, and was afraid I'd get hurt. We had a conversation, and it now accepts that I'm an adult. It also recognises that making me woolly in that way made it hard for me to think and make decisions, and I need to be able to do these things in order to stay safe. It's agreed to step back.

Since having that conversation, I've felt much more my Self. The woolly feeling has about gone, and I've been able to think, plan and act again.

I'm curious about this protector. It thought I was a child, so maybe it's protecting an exile? That's worth exploring.

I've been aware of another part who is very well-organised, but has been finding it hard to cope with so much chaos and uncertainty around at the moment. I decided to buy this part a new planner to help her feel more in control of things, and this has really helped.

Jazzy · May 22, 2020, 07:16:47 PM

Hi Snowdrop. I hope you've been doing alright recently. Its good to hear that today is better than yesterday, and that you're able to identify these situations and come up with solutions for them. That's excellent!

Not Alone · May 22, 2020, 11:04:16 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on May 22, 2020, 06:07:19 PM
I've been aware of another part who is very well-organised, but has been finding it hard to cope with so much chaos and uncertainty around at the moment. I decided to buy this part a new planner to help her feel more in control of things, and this has really helped.

Awesome!

Snowdrop · May 23, 2020, 06:29:13 PM

Thank you Jazzy.

Notalone, my new planner has stickers!

I slept much better last night. I think checking in with parts helped. I also took some Rescue Remedy Night drops before going to bed.

I've managed to get a lot done today. The well-organised part has been helping me make to do lists, and track what I do. She's been feeling calm, happy and in control because my day has had more structure.

I went on an IFS journey this afternoon to meet the part who wraps me in cotton wool, and the part who doesn't want me to make decisions.

The part who wants to wrap me in cotton wool told me that it was protecting a 5 year old part which had been exiled. That part is no longer exiled because I helped it to heal a few months ago, but the cotton wool protector hasn't given up its role yet. I think I probably need to show it the 5 year old part it was protecting so that it knows it's safe.

The part who doesn't want me to make decisions is very young, and she became scared and upset when I asked her why she didn't want me to make decisions. She showed me how she felt she was always wrong and could do nothing right. I witnessed various events, and asked her how she felt about giving up the burden she was carrying. She found this question difficult as it involved making another decision, so I suggested she try putting the burden down and see how that felt. She liked not carrying the burden, and released about 50% of it by burning it. I'll continue to work with her on releasing the rest.

Snowdrop · May 24, 2020, 06:27:18 PM

Feeling good today. I slept well, and felt enthusiastic about getting things done.

IFS journey.

I first met the part who wanted to wrap me in cotton wool. We talked about why it wanted to protect me in this way, and then I showed it the 5 year old part it had been trying to protect. The cotton wool part saw that the 5 year old was happy and healed, which made it relax. I asked if the part still wanted to have the role of wrapping me in cotton wool, and it said no, it wanted to take up trampolining instead

. The part started jumping on a trampoline, and then wandered off.

Next, I met the part who was scared of making decisions and felt she was always wrong. She seemed better today. She showed me various incidents which she felt were her fault because of decisions she'd made. I told her that none of them were her fault. The fault was with other people, and she wasn't responsible. I also explained that sometimes other people were wrong and made mistakes. If she disagreed with someone, it didn't mean that she was wrong. Her opinions and feelings are as valid as other people's.

After this conversation, the part felt able to fully unburden. She put the burden down, and when I asked her what we should do with it, she suggested putting it in water. When we did this, it turned into a gigantic bath bomb which started to dissolve. We watched it dissolve, then washed it down the drain.

Finally, I met the part who likes to be well-organised. This part is currently very happy. She loves the new planner, and is enjoying writing daily to do lists. It's making her feel very safe and productive.

Jazzy · May 24, 2020, 07:16:06 PM

Its great that you're feeling well and being productive. Keep it up!

sanmagic7 · May 24, 2020, 08:36:43 PM

love and hugs, snowdrop, to you and all your parts

Snowdrop · May 25, 2020, 06:43:43 PM

Thanks Jazzy and San!

Still sleeping well, still able to get a lot done. I've been feeling more and more my Self too. My Self hasn't been as prominent recently with everything that's been going on. Over the past few days I've been making a special point of doing things that give me a stronger sense of Self such as Tai Chi, and this seems to be really helping.

IFS journey.

The part who wanted to wrap me up in cotton wool is still jumping on the trampoline. She said she'd like to look after some more vulnerable parts if they need it, but only as much as they need. It feels like a different relationship to before.

The part who was scared of making decisions is happy. She didn't have anything more for me to witness.

The part who likes being organised is happy. She told me that helping me to be organised is her role. It's not in reaction to trauma or anything, it's what she likes doing. She knows how much I appreciate it.

I decided to check in with the part holding rape trauma as I haven't met with her for a while. She was pleased to see me, and is getting on well. I taught this part about IFS, and she has been using it to help heal her parts. While I was there, she put a lot of rocks (burdens) in a fire pit and set fire to them. We watched them burn together.

Finally, I caught up with the part holding sexual assault trauma. This part is also doing well. We talked about the ex who turned his back on her, and she told me how wrong he was about many things. She said she felt ready to let him go, so she released various burdens relating to him and set fire to them.

Snowdrop · May 26, 2020, 11:28:07 AM

I've been finding things hard this morning. The Government are saying that someone who broke lockdown rules in a very spectacular fashion was reducing the risk of the infection spreading and protecting his family

. I wasn't able to see a relative who was dying because of the lockdown rules. This was to stop the virus and protect my family. Hearing the Government defend this person's actions in these terms makes me feel angry and brings back the guilt and hurt.

sanmagic7 · May 26, 2020, 11:50:06 AM

snowdrop, the messages we are getting are confusing in the least, mind-boggling at times, and absolutely crazy-making at the worst. i'm sorry about not being able to see your relative, but i personally don't believe you have anything to feel guilty about. during different circumstances you would have been there. this is not your fault.

i think your own sense of protection for yourself and your family wins the day in the end. there has been nothing like this to my knowledge in my lifetime. my d won't allow me to go into a store because i'm vulnerable and older, yet there are times when we need groceries, and her anxiety level goes off the chart for having to be around people, not just for herself, but so that she doesn't bring something home to me. these are more than trying times indeed.

we're in this together, never forget that. you are not alone. sending love and many hugs filled with caring and compassion

Hope67 · May 26, 2020, 12:03:19 PM

Dear Snowdrop,
I am also finding that situation you mention difficult to be difficult and shocking, and I agree with what Sanmagic said in her reply to you about how crazy-making it all is. I just wanted to send you a hug

and stand with you in this, I think you are a wonderful caring and compassionate person, and you did your best in these very challenging times.
Hope

Snowdrop · May 26, 2020, 07:01:13 PM

Thank you, San and Hope. You are both wonderful. I needed to hear what you said.

Feeling better this afternoon. I decided to email my MP, which probably helped.

I checked in with my parts this evening, and spoke to the ones that were activated. I explained that nothing has changed about my decision. I did the right thing, and they accept that.

Not Alone · May 26, 2020, 11:39:40 PM

Glad you are doing better. That message sounds very confusing, and as San said, crazy-making. You did make the right decision. You are a very caring person and you made a decision that was wise and compassionate.

Snowdrop · May 31, 2020, 11:52:12 AM

Thank you, Notalone, I appreciate your comments.

I've been feeling good over the past few days. Settled, happy, and able to do things.

Getting to know the well-organised part has been tremendously useful. She's been making lists of things I need to do each day, and this structure has been working well for me. It allows me to see how much I actually get done, which has made it much easier to be kinder to myself.

One of the big things she's introduced has been explicitly adding time for Self and parts every day. Time for Self can be anything that allows me to cultivate and embody my Self, usually Tai Chi and Qigong. Time for parts is anything that involves me listening to and helping parts. Adding these things to a daily list which I can mark off has been really useful.

Snowdrop · June 01, 2020, 04:52:42 PM

I realise that things I was told as a child set me up for abuse. When HB was abusive, I was told I had to make allowances for him because his M had been abusive to him. The message I got was that it was ok for people to be abusive to me if they had issues of any sort. I should just accept it and not complain.

I want all my parts to know that the message I was given as a child is wrong. It was wrong that HB treated me in that way. Abuse of any sort, at any age, is unacceptable. It's not my job to be the scapegoat for other people's problems. I deserve better. My parts deserve better. I/they deserve kindness and respect.