Snowdrop's journal

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Hope67

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #495 on: June 03, 2020, 06:34:10 PM »
Hi Snowdrop,
 :hug: to you and your parts.  I agree that abuse of any sort, at any age, is unacceptable, and all the things you said to your parts, I second them, and stand with you  :grouphug:  You deserve better.  Your parts all deserve better.  You deserve kindness and respect, and I will say the same to my parts too.  Your words are strong and meaningful and true!
 :hug:
Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #496 on: June 04, 2020, 02:10:52 AM »
I want all my parts to know that the message I was given as a child is wrong. It was wrong that HB treated me in that way. Abuse of any sort, at any age, is unacceptable. It's not my job to be the scapegoat for other people's problems. I deserve better. My parts deserve better. I/they deserve kindness and respect.
Yes!!!!

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #497 on: June 08, 2020, 09:38:58 AM »
Hope and Notalone, thank you so much. :hug:

=== TW various types ===

I read an article this morning about how damaging it can be when a relationship with a therapist crosses boundaries. Reading this article has really helped a part that had been exiled, She showed me lots of things, and she is getting ready to unburden.

The part is the one whose ex turned his back when she was sexually assaulted. She had been in a therapeutic relationship with the ex, and one day he moved towards her and started kissing her. She froze, and didn't know what to do or how to act. Even if she had known, I doubt she'd have been able to move. He blamed her for making him act in this way. This was manipulative. It was inappropriate. It was an abuse of power. It wasn't her fault.

She didn't feel able to get away from the relationship, so she pretended that she was happy with it. This was understandable.

The ex was manipulative. Over time, he separated her from her friendship group. He began trying to separate her from her parents. Trying to control her and leave her without support. He tried to brainwash her. Coercive control.

He eroded her sense of self-worth. There'd be conversations where he'd say "what do you want to do today?" She'd say "I'd like to do this," and he'd say "well let's do something else instead.". That's a small example of how he'd disregard her, but there are plenty of others.

I see now that he was physically abusive. He'd make her bleed, and then say it was her fault because she wasn't strong enough. This was very, very wrong.

He was emotionally abusive. One example was after the relationship ended, and he sent her a postcard. It said how much she'd like the place he'd sent it from, as it was very like [place] -- which was the place where she'd been assaulted and he'd turned his back.

The last time she saw him, he told her that she needed to let out her inner physical abusiveness. She refused. She didn't see herself as abusive. She didn't want to be abusive. She didn't want to conjure up feelings of abusiveness to please someone else. It felt really dangerous. She walked away. She cut off contact.

There are other things I could say. The key thing is that I recognise how narcissistic, manipulative, abusive and dangerous he was. Perhaps more importantly, the part does too.

The part feels shame that she didn't end things sooner. I think she was manipulated and trapped. She has nothing to be ashamed of.

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Hope67

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #498 on: June 08, 2020, 11:51:03 AM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

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Three Roses

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #499 on: June 08, 2020, 03:58:48 PM »
I want to validate the feelings of your part who is getting ready to unburden. You said
Quote
The part feels shame that she didn't end things sooner. I think she was manipulated and trapped. She has nothing to be ashamed of.
and I totally agree that she has nothing to be ashamed of. Contact was broken as soon as she was able. Supportive and safe hugs to you.  :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #500 on: June 08, 2020, 06:23:47 PM »
Thank you for the hugs, Hope. :hug:

Thank you for validating the part's feelings, Three Roses, and for the hugs. Your words added an extra piece which helped her to unburden. :hug:

I went on an IFS journey this evening to help the part and see if she was ready to unburden.

When I met her she was furious about the ex. I told her that her anger was justified. She shared lots of experiences with him, more than I wrote about earlier. Different types of abuse. As she showed me her experiences, I validated her feelings, and her anger started to fade.

I asked if she was ready to let go of the burdens, and let go of the ex. She said she was. So she opened herself up along her front, and lots of thick smoke came out of her, and formed a large blob of black yuck. She washed herself out with water from a healing lake, then showered off any remaining bits that were sticking to her in a shower of golden light. She seemed whole and alive afterwards.

She then set fire to the blob of black yuck that represented the burdens she'd been carrying. It crackled and sparked, and eventually it turned to a pink/gold ball of light and dissipated.

I then saw the part being wrapped in angel wings. She was glowing with a golden light and I felt very peaceful.

I asked her if there was any gift she wanted from me, or any role she wanted to take up. She said not yet, she wanted to enjoy feeling peaceful for a while. We hugged.

Afterwards, I was lead to a crystal cave, and all my parts were invited too. They watched while I walked into the middle of the cave. There I found a contract. It said something like "I must always make others feel better, even at the expense of myself". I showed the contract to the parts, and then I told them in a strong voice that the contract was void. I put it in a paper shredder so that it was chopped into tiny pieces. The contract was destroyed, and the shredded bits of paper transformed into healing energy which went into each part.

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Three Roses

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #501 on: June 08, 2020, 07:03:05 PM »
Beautiful ❤️

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #502 on: June 09, 2020, 02:58:00 AM »
I want to validate the feelings of your part who is getting ready to unburden. You said
Quote
The part feels shame that she didn't end things sooner. I think she was manipulated and trapped. She has nothing to be ashamed of.
and I totally agree that she has nothing to be ashamed of. Contact was broken as soon as she was able. Supportive and safe hugs to you.  :hug:
:yeahthat: I agree with that.

I'm glad that part has been able to unburden and is feeling peaceful.  :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #503 on: June 09, 2020, 06:18:57 PM »
Thank you both. :hug: and :hug:.

I went on another IFS journey this evening to do a bit more work with the part that unburdened yesterday.

I explained to the part that I'd read a few articles about narcissism, and the ex was a very strong fit. I explained why, and the part agreed.

The part and I found a statue of the ex on a big pedestal near the sea. The part took some red paint, and wrote "is a narcissistic abuser" next to the ex's name. Then she tied ropes round the statue, pulled it off the pedestal, and dropped it into the sea where the water was particularly deep. We watched as the statue corroded and fell into tiny bits. Then she fetched a grab lorry with a hydraulic arm, picked up the pedestal, and dropped it on top of the statue. It destroyed what was left of the statue. We watched as barnacles, coral and seaweed started to form on the pedestal. We then walked away, arm in arm and didn't look back.

The part told me that she felt healed. I gave her a big hug, and told her how much I loved her. How precious she was to me.

I feel very content after that journey. I feel free.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2020, 06:25:10 PM by Snowdrop »

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #504 on: June 11, 2020, 05:57:37 PM »
I feel as though the work I did earlier in the week has lifted a layer of trauma off me. If the ex crosses my mind, I immediately see his statue disintegrating.

I'm aware, however, of a new cluster of parts that I need to work with. They were quite deeply submerged, and now they're coming to the foreground. This may be because they're ready to be helped, also I felt under stress with other things yesterday which may have activated them.

=== TW SH ===

The most prominent part in this cluster is one that has thoughts of SH. She's a protector, probably a firefighter. I've been acknowledging her existence today, which has surprised her. She's used to me denying her existence and burying her away.

There's another part, a protector who's a manager, who tries to keep the SH part away from me. This aggravates the SH part.

I get hints of another part who's scared of the SH part.

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #505 on: June 12, 2020, 03:50:11 AM »
I feel very content after that journey. I feel free.
Warmth thoughts of you and all your Parts and the amazing work you are doing.


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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #506 on: June 12, 2020, 04:23:04 AM »
Thank you, Notalone. I can feel the warmth in your words. :grouphug:

I woke up early this morning so I reread an essay in the book Internal Family Systems Therapy: New Dimensions that discusses IFS with complex trauma and DID. It says: "Parts tend to be more dissociated and may seem to have no connection with each other; parts are often phobic of each other and do not want anyone, including the therapist, to know about them and treatment is further complicated by the possibility of the inner family having layers of dissociated parts who reveal themselves only as progress is being made." I think this is the situation with the new cluster of parts.

=== TW SH but no details ===

Before going to sleep last night, I communicated with the SH part, and the part who keeps her clamped down. The parts have agreed to settle down so that they're less polarised. The SH part feels under less pressure from the clamping down part, so is more relaxed and can ease up. This makes the clamping down part feel more relaxed.

The SH part thinks I'm still a child. I don't know how old yet, but quite young. I can now remember having SH urges as a child, which I'd completely forgotten about. Maybe from about age 7? This suggests there might be an exile for me to help too.

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Hope67

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #507 on: June 12, 2020, 07:39:00 PM »
Hi Snowdrop,
Sending you a warm hug  :hug:   

I related to the quote you put there - glad you were able to make progress and find that there might be an exile you can help - that's really positive progress, and I hope you don't mind my saying that.

Hope  :)

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #508 on: June 13, 2020, 09:59:39 AM »
Thank you for the hug, Hope. I don't mind you saying that at all. I always appreciate your thoughts, insights and support. :hug:

Last night I checked in with the part who demolished the ex's statue. She's doing really well.

I also spent some time with the SH part. She's calmed right down. She has a safe space, and she understands that being there isn't rejection or punishment in anyway, but a place where she can feel relaxed and secure. She knows I'm going to help her, and she welcomes that.

I had a bit of a memory surface last night, and more this morning. I'm pretty sure it relates to the exile, who I think is very young.

=== TW PA ===

I think I was somewhere between 2 and 4 years old. HB would have been around 10-13 years old. He'd taken something from me and was taunting me, holding it out if reach so I couldn't get to it. He wouldn't give it back, and I remember him holding my head so I couldn't get near him. This went on for a while. Eventually I had a bit of a tantrum and tried to hit him in frustration. Describing it as a hit makes it sound worse than it was. It was more of a scrabble. Not hard. Not a punch. How could it have been anything else when I was so tiny? But it was enough for him to justify hitting me, and he hit me hard.

I remember M telling him to stop hitting me and to give back whatever it was he'd taken. I vaguely remember F telling me when he got home that I musn't be aggressive. It was naughty. I tried to explain. F got angry.

I need to discuss this with the parts, but I suspect that after this I started turning anger and frustration inwards. Hence the SH part.

M told me a year or so ago that when I was little, she walked into the room and HB was beating me up (her words). I wonder if this was the incident she was talking about?

I practice Tai Chi, and I'm aware that I have a real disconnect when it comes to fighting applications. I freeze. I wonder if this is because of this cluster of parts? I wonder if the exiled part holds my ability to fight back, even in self-defence?

I have more work to do with this cluster of parts, but so far things seem promising.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2020, 11:12:02 AM by Snowdrop »

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Tee

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #509 on: June 13, 2020, 02:40:19 PM »
 :hug: sounds like you are making progress, Iím glad your parts allowing you to work through the things you need to.   :hug: A gentle hug of understanding.