Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Hope. It helps knowing that you read it. It helps the part feel more witnessed, which is helping her to unburden more.

Theory: The three year old part holds my ability to fight back, so retrieving her means that other parts who were traumatised and unable to fight back can now release their burdens. That's what it feels like, anyway.

[Snowdrop]

More memories surfacing from the part who tore down the statue. I'm witnessing the memories, and the part is unburdening. The memories are uncomfortable, but they're not overwhelming me. It feels like healing.

Work went well. I asked this part and others not to overwhelm me, and told them that I could give them attention another time. The parts gave me lots of space, and it worked well.

[Snowdrop]

The part who tore down the statue woke me up in the night. She was absolutely furious about how she'd been treated by the ex and the man, so I witnessed her fury. She screamed in their faces, and kept hitting them. I told her that her fury was valid. Eventually, her fury passed, and she unburdened some of it. I felt peaceful afterwards, and went back to sleep.

I feel ok this morning.

Things have been quite intense with this part over the past few days, but I feel that it's bringing deeper healing. I also note that while the part's memories that are coming back are unpleasant, they're not flashbacks. They're not all-consuming, I'm not pushing them away, and I'm not overwhelmed by them. It's important for me to witness them.

Yesterday, I wrote that after the incident, various firefighter parts had been activated. I had quite bad symptoms that I associate with PTSD, as well as the CPTSD extras. It felt like getting PTSD on top of CPTSD, so I'm not really surprised by the intensity of this part.

It also makes sense that this is happening immediately after retrieving the three year old. The part who tore down the statue was unable to fight back. Now she is. I have so much compassion for her, and I'm grateful that I have the chance to help and heal her.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I'm glad you're feeling ok this morning.  Although you've had a quite intense time this past few days, I'm glad that you feel that it's bringing deeper healing .
to you Snowdrop.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, I read all of your posts. I am angry at Ex. He totally set you up. Urrrrrrrr.   

It's great that the three year old is able to fight back. She and all your Parts deserve to be protected by others and to protect themselves.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Notalone. Your words helped the part to unburden more . You're absolutely right, he completely set me up. That's a good way of putting it.

I didn't see it at the time, but he was very cruel and manipulative. I think tearing down the statue has helped me to see this. There were various times where he'd say or do things that I found immensely triggering, and he'd say it was to toughen me up because I was "too soft and sensitive". When I think about it, it was like he was putting me through deliberate exposure without asking me, without my permission and without safety mechanisms. When I put it in those terms, it's horrific. It's like he was experimenting on me.

Ugh. I really feel for the part who bore the brunt of this.

I went on an IFS journey this morning to visit the three year old and the part who tore down the statue.

The three year old is doing really well. I found her practicing martial arts in her studio, and when she saw me, she bowed and ran over. She's happy. She said she didn't have anything else for me to witness or unburden. I held her, told her how much I loved her, and how delighted I was to have her back.

The part who tore down the statue was calm and peaceful. It was like the calmness you can get after a fierce storm has passed and the sun's come out. She said she felt much better.

She showed me a big pile of burdens she'd gathered together which she wanted to get rid of. She carried them out to a big fire pit, and it looked like a pile of old furniture. She took some cobwebs out of her head and added those to the pile. She brought out a costume that looked like a Frankenstein's Monster suit and added that to the pile, saying "I am not his experiment". She unzipped herself as though she'd been wearing a second skin, and put that on the pile too, with "I am not what he made me".

I asked the part if she was carrying any burdens that he'd put on her. Burdens that weren't hers to carry. She was, so she let go of those and added them to the pile.

She then set fire to all these burdens, and we watched them burn. Pink and gold sparks flickered in the air, as the energy of the burdens was carried away.

I held the part and told her how wonderful she was, and how much I loved her.

After the journey, I feel peaceful. Deeply peaceful. Deeply my Self.

[Not Alone]

Feeling warmth in my heart for you, three year old, statue destroyer, and all your Parts.

[Three Roses]

Your IFS journeys are so helpful and inspiring to me. 

[Snowdrop]

I can feel the warmth, Notalone. Thank you.

Thank you, Three Roses. I'm so glad they help you.

Feeling good today. All parts seem calm and peaceful.

I'm noticing that whenever I do Tai Chi or Qigong, it's like the three year old joins in. She's not blended with me, but I get a sense of her doing it alongside me.

I've also noticed that if a stray thought about the ex crosses my mind, I immediately hear the statue destroyer telling him to * off . Not in an angry way, and not because she wants to push memories away or dissociate. It's more that she doesn't think he has any right to be in my head, he doesn't belong there, so she orders him out.

[Snowdrop]

All still good.

I went on an IFS journey this evening. The three year old and statue destroyer are both doing well.

The three year old was very happy and settled when I saw her. She didn't have anything to share or unburden. I told her that the statue destroyer would like to see her, and she agreed.

The statue destroyer said she had nothing to share or unburden. After I'd finished speaking to her individually, the three year old came to see her. She put her hand against the statue destroyer's heart, and she and I were filled with the three year old's fighting spirit.

I then met an angel, who wanted to meet the statue destroyer part. The part told the angel that she was concerned the ex was still invading her. The angel scanned her, some black smoke floated out of her, and then the angel said she was clean. The ex would never be able to reach her again. She was protected.

She then told the angel about some spiritually abusive things the ex had told her. The angel told her they weren't true. This was a big relief to the part, and she unburdened in the form of more black smoke.

The angel took the black smoke, and flew into the sun with it. It transformed into a golden ball of light, which the angel gave back to the statue destroyer. The golden light filled and healed the part. I could feel it spreading through me as well.

This journey was interesting. It felt like a deeper level of healing.

[Tee]

  that's awesome snowdrop

[Not Alone]

I've also noticed that if a stray thought about the ex crosses my mind, I immediately hear the statue destroyer telling him to * off . Not in an angry way, and not because she wants to push memories away or dissociate. It's more that she doesn't think he has any right to be in my head, he doesn't belong there, so she orders him out.

Excellent! 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Your IFS journey sounds like it went very well.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Tee, Notalone and Hope, thank you all.

All parts still good. I've been feeling peaceful, settled and happy with lots of energy.

There's a heatwave here at the moment, and I've found it hard to sleep the past couple of nights because it's been so hot. Last night I decided to relisten to Greater Than the Sum of Our Parts, an IFS audiobook designed for self-help, and it made me feel so relaxed I fell asleep. The book focuses on calming down protectors so the system is less polarised, and it's like my parts treat it like a bedtime story .

[Tee]

  that's great snowdrop I'm glad you were able to sleep. I hope you are able to a good summer day my friend! Sending a hug if that's OK of peace and understanding