Snowdrop's journal

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, caught up on your journal today. The work you are doing is beautiful.

[Tee]

  that sounds like a good idea.  To introduce the two.  Maybe they will be friends as well.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Notalone and Tee.

IFS journey.

The teen part wanted me to witness something today: F knowing that she had depression, but warning that she mustn't say anything that made him think badly of HB. She told me that this pushed the trauma she'd experienced deeper down, and added extra fear and shame on top of it. She was able to unburden some of this. [Thought: I wonder if this has anything to do with the teen's tiny part that she's been working with? I should ask.]

The former SH part was still excited. I told her that I had a busy week ahead of me, and would appreciate some extra cheerleading.

The retrieved exile needed me to witness some stuff, and unburdened. I reminded her that if she wanted to get any burdens out of her system but wasn't ready to unburden, she could put them in a box for safekeeping.

I took the retrieved exile to meet the dissociative part. The part was pleased with the progress the retrieved exile is making. She's closer to giving up dissociating, but isn't quite there yet. The former SH part and the pit tending part also met retrieved exile, and are happy.

[Snowdrop]

I was curious about the tiny part, so went into another IFS journey.

The teen's tiny part was exiled into the pit because of what F had said. He'd chosen HB over the teen. The teen felt rejected, her system couldn't cope, so her tiny part was exiled. I witnessed the pain of this, and the ramifications. The teen part and the tiny part were then able to unburden. The unburdening felt neverending. Eventually, angels took the burdens away, then came back to hold the teen and her tiny part in golden light.

I went back to see the dissociating part, who had witnessed this. She gets it more now. In order to heal, parts have to feel witnessed, and if she takes me into dissociation, I can't witness the parts so much. She said that part of the problem is that I've not been sleeping that well, I get tired, and that makes me slip out of the present more. She says that she would like to help me sleep better so that I'm more rested, and this should keep me present and focused. This would help my Self, and my Self could do more healing and unburdening work with parts. I told the part that this sounded fabulous, and I'd love her to do this.

[Tee]

  I'm glad you're parts work so well together.  Mine are at is right now and it's getting hard to function.  Hugs glad they are able to unburden. Hope your week goes well.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Tee. I will put a soft blanket round your shoulders, and hold you together with big hugs.

[Snowdrop]

I had a heavy work day yesterday, but it went pretty well. The former SH part delivered on the cheerleading: I kept hearing her shouting "awesome!" at regular intervals .

The part that was making me dissociate has been helping me sleep. A couple of nights ago (after my last journey) I slept really well. I slept less well last night, but that was because of what I was doing at work yesterday.

One thing I noticed yesterday was that there was a part who had taken on some of F's words and energy. It kept asking me what I'd do if various things went wrong and coming up with doomsday scenarios. I told the part that these things hadn't happened before and wouldn't happen now. The former SH firefighter then joined in and told the part everything was awesome. I love this part.

IFS journey.

The teen was well, but wanted to talk about the things I wrote about above relating to F's words and energy. I told her that F wasn't always right, and sometimes said things that weren't helpful. I said that she could let go of those words and that energy, and not be held back, so she did.

I then asked if any other parts were also holding onto this and carrying it as a burden, and a large group of parts turned up. I told them the same things that I'd told the teen, and invited them to unburden.

The parts made a huge pile out of the burdens they'd all been carrying, probably a couple of storeys high. They then started chanting together, and I could feel the vibration of their chants pass through me. As the vibration touched the pile of burdens it caught fire, and the burdens transformed. I felt a sense of freedom. Of not being held back by limiting beliefs. Of possibility.

After this, I spent more time with the teen. I reminded her that if she ever wanted time to herself, she could go into her safe space, shut the door, and nothing would disturb her. She asked me if she was allowed, and showed me how she was told not to have her door shut when growing up. I told her that she was totally allowed. She was entitled to have privacy. She unburdened a little bit more.

Next, I visited some more parts. I thanked the former SH firefighter and told her how much I appreciated her support. I told the part who had been making me dissociate that I welcomed her helping me sleep. I felt more rested and able to do things. I noticed that the pit is now full of butterflies and bird song, and I told the part who tends it how beautiful it is.

Finally, I met the retrieved exile. She's doing well.

[owl25]

This is really beautiful, snowdrop. I love that you now have an inner cheerleader! Just amazing 

[dollyvee]

This sounds like you're making so much progress Snowdrop, great work 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Owl and Dollyvee.

I slept really well last night and didn't wake up until morning. I thanked the part who's taking on the role of helping me sleep.

Some parts have been sharing memories of F saying things in order to make me behave or not behave in a certain way. I told the parts that this was controlling of him, and it was actually gaslighting. Putting it in these terms shocked some parts. I thought there might be burdens around gaslighting which I could seek to let go of.

IFS journey.

The teen was shocked that things she'd experienced were gaslighting. She shared some incidents with me, and was angry. I let her express her rage, and then we talked about what gaslighting was, and the impact it had. I told her that she'd done nothing, and asked if she wanted me to do the incidents over. She did.

We went back to one of the incidents, and I stepped in and spoke to F. I told him why the things he'd said were gaslighting, and how serious it was. What damage it causes, and what damage had been done. F looked shocked. He said he hadn't realised. He apologised.

The teen part and I went back into the present, and talked some more about the incidents. She was able to unburden.

I then asked if any other parts were carrying gaslighting burdens, and they were. I went through a similar process with them, and they unburdened. They released a lot of anger, and at one point I remember telling them "I create my own reality".

After this, I visited some other parts.

The former SH cheerleader is doing really, and I told her how much I appreciate her.

I thanked the part who was making me dissociate for helping me to sleep, and I told her what a difference it had made to my day. She was delighted. She wants to keep doing that.

The part tending the pit is also doing well.

The retrieved exile was angry about the gaslighting, but was able to unburden.

[Bach]

Snowdrop, thank you always for sharing these journeys.  I wish I understood the process the way you do.  I've done some reading but I find it really confusing.  I wrote to an IFS therapist enquiring about possible treatment, but I have not heard back.  I know that I should not be discouraged by that and should try again or see about finding someone else to enquire of, but one thing I do understand about parts is that I've got some that take absolutely everything as rejection. 

[Snowdrop]

I wish I understood the process the way you do.  I've done some reading but I find it really confusing.

For me, Bach, it was about finding the right book that I could connect with and apply. The Internal Family Systems Therapy book by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy worked really well for me, as it gave me a set of rules and principles to follow. It might be personal preference because I've found other IFS books hard to get into.

I can understand parts taking things as rejection, and they might feel disheartened that you didn't get a response. I do wonder if it's worth trying again, though, and perhaps asking someone else as well? With you whatever you decide, Bach.

IFS journey.

I met the teen part, who is doing well. She said she had some burdens to get rid of relating to my maternal Grandmother. I asked if these were legacy burdens, burdens which had been placed on her, but weren't hers to carry. She said yes.

I asked if any other parts who were carrying the same legacy burdens could come forward too, and they did so. I put a big FedEx box on the ground, and the parts put the burdens in there. I noticed that there were lots of "shoulds" and "should nots". Then I shut the box, addressed it to GM, and sent it on its way.

I noticed that there were cords relating to GM attached to me and some parts. These cords didn't belong, so I cut them off, sealed where they'd been, and released them into fire.

The teen felt content after this, and so did I. She told me that she'd been continuing to work with the tiny part, and she was doing well too.

Next, I visited the former SH firefighter who's now a cheerleader. I told her how she'd helped me work today, and how much I appreciated her.

I then visited the part who was making me dissociate. I thanked her for helping me sleep so well last night, and told her how focused I'd been during the day and how much work I'd got done as a result. She was very happy, and told me she's thinking of giving up her dissociation role.

I next visited the part who tends the pit, and I thanked her for turning the pit into such a peaceful, calm place. The part was delighted. She said she'd been looking out for stray parts, but hadn't found any more.

Finally, I met the retrieved exile. She's doing really well, and didn't have anything more to unburden. I told her how much I loved her.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I am just popping by to give you a hug.   
I like that your former SH firefighter is now a cheerleader, that sounds really good.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Hope. It's making a big difference.

I've had a couple more nights of sleeping well. I thanked the part who's taken on the role of helping me sleep. Since she took on this role, I've slept well nearly every night.

IFS journey.

The teen is doing well. I helped her bring her tiny part more into the present, but there was nothing she needed me to witness, nothing to unburden. The teen said that she's feeling quite complete.

The former SH firefighter who's now a cheerleader was as enthusiastic as ever.

I met the part who was making me dissociate who's now helping me sleep. I told her what difference it's making to me. She was very happy.

I heard lots of birdsong coming from the pit, and it sounded so lovely and inviting that I went down into it. It was beautiful, and felt full of life. I told the part tending the pit that I no longer have a feeling of dread about it. It's like having space, light and life at my centre.

I met the retrieved exile. She is also doing well.

Finally, I met another part who I haven't mentioned before. I became aware of her a couple of weeks or so ago. She's a part who was denying my trauma and minimising it because she didn't want me to be traumatised. I decided to talk to her a few days ago, and told her that I didn't want me to be traumatised either, but denying it wasn't the answer. It just pushed it down and made it fester. I told her that the quickest and most effective way out of the trauma was to address it and heal from it by healing my parts. This made a lot of sense to the part, and today she said that she was on board with what I'd said and would help.

[Not Alone]

That's wonderful that the dissociative Part is now helping you to sleep.

I love that the pit has become such a place of beauty and serenity.

Finally, I met another part who I haven't mentioned before. I became aware of her a couple of weeks or so ago. She's a part who was denying my trauma and minimising it because she didn't want me to be traumatised. I decided to talk to her a few days ago, and told her that I didn't want me to be traumatised either, but denying it wasn't the answer. It just pushed it down and made it fester. I told her that the quickest and most effective way out of the trauma was to address it and heal from it by healing my parts. This made a lot of sense to the part, and today she said that she was on board with what I'd said and would help.

I'm sure there were time periods where she helped you to function and survive by denying the trauma. I'm glad she is seeing that denying it is no longer necessary and that she is on board with addressing and healing the trauma.

Good work, Snowdrop.