Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Notalone, that's really helpful. It's made me realise that the part who was denying the trauma is probably carrying burdens of her own. I can spend time with her and help her heal.

[Jazzy]

I'm glad to hear you have been sleeping well Snowdrop, that is a big help. Its great to see you continuing to make progress. It sounds like you have done a lot of good for yourself. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Jazzy. The sleep is very welcome!

Since the part has been helping me sleep, I've been getting vivid dreams. Mostly about past abusers. I decided that during today's journey, I'd ask the part about them, and if it seemed appropriate, I'd then go back into the dreams and do them over.

IFS journey.

The teen is well. Nothing to witness or unburden.

The former SH firefighter who's now a cheerleader wanted me to witness some of her SH behaviour, and then unburdened.

The part that was dissociative and now helps me sleep is well. She unburdened part of her dissociative burdens. I also asked her about the dreams I've been getting since she's been helping me sleep. She said to me "you know what to do", and I took this as a sign that I should go back into the dreams and do them over after visiting all the parts I'm currently working with.

The part tending the pit is well. She showed me a shrub she particularly liked. It looked bright orange and pink, and was glowing.

The retrieved exile us well. She told me she felt complete.

I then met the part who was in denial about trauma, and she's well. She said she did it to try and fit in. Everyone kept telling her how great HB was, so she began to think she'd got it wrong, it was her, and pushed everything away. She actually very relieved to know that it wasn't her.

Finally, I tackled two of the dreams.

For the first one, I faced up to the abuser. I told him he was abusive, controlling, manipulative. I showed him a statue of himself that a part had destroyed. The statue was in deep water, broken in pieces with barnacles growing on it. I told him he wasn't welcome, go away, and he left. I then comforted the version of me in the dream, and told her how much better her future was without him.

For the second dream, an abuser was at a picnic and threatening to tell everyone a secret about me. I faced up to him, told him he was abusive, any shame was on him and he'd abused his power. I told him he wasn't welcome, and he left.

Finally, I wrote out eviction notices for the two abusers and more, telling them that they were no longer welcome inside my head. I felt a sense of freedom as I posted them.

[Tee]

 

[dollyvee]

Good work Snowdrop - I like your eviction notices. It's great that your dissociative part has trust in you and that you know what to do 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Tee and Dollyvee.

Just a short IFS journey today. All the parts I'm working with are well. None of them had anything they wanted to unburden.

[owl25]

You are doing amazing work, Snowdrop.I love that the pit was transformed into a source of life and joy. It never would have occurred to me that such a transformation could happen. Thank you so much for sharing your IFS journeys. They give hope and are beautiful.

[marta1234]

I also wanted to pop by and send you lots of support for all the work you've been doing. I really like that you were able to issue the eviction notices. Sending you love, Snowdrop and lots of warm hugs! 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Owl and Marta.

I've had flashbacks and EFs over the past few days. Someone I used to work with contacted a group of us about meeting up on zoom before Christmas, and I got triggered. There were a few reasons for this.

First, I find groups of people scary. If I was in a group when HB was there, he'd attack me to show off and demonstrate his superiority. It wasn't usually physical stuff as if people there disapproved, it would backfire on him. It was usually emotional and mental stuff.

Another factor is that HB used to say that the person who contacted me was one of his friends. This was another trigger. I decided to ask a friend who I trust if they have any recollection of this being the case, and they said no. It's likely HB was claiming this in order to control and manipulate.

I've been having flashbacks relating to PA and threats, and I think I need to write about them.

=== TW and PA ===

I've had memories coming back from when I was about 5 and HB was a teenager. It was in the school playground and I hurt a couple of friends. It's something I've been carrying shame about. I honestly didn't know what I did was wrong because by that point HB had done it to me so often that I thought it was normal. He said we were playing, so that's what playing was. I think one of the parents told my M because she told me it was wrong and I mustn't do it. She was furious with HB because she knew how out of character it was for me to do something like that; it was pretty obvious he'd done it to me so many times before that it had been normalised. HB kept shouting that he hadn't done it, he hadn't touched anyone. Strictly speaking, no, he hadn't been in my school playground doing that, but that wasn't the point. He'd normalised that sort of abuse.

Another thing is from when I was a teenager and HB was in his twenties. M was getting threatening phone calls at work from friends of HB. I have a vague memory of getting them at home too. I answered the phone once, but I can't remember anything about it. I don't know who the friends were who made those threats, but they were probably people I knew. I don't honestly think that the person who contacted me about zoom would have been one of them, but there's a part who feels very hypervigilant about it.

There's a final thing that has me rattled, and it's been intruding on my thoughts. When I was a teen, HB (twenties) called me into his bedroom and showed me that he had weapons. Evil looking things, and I've since seen photos in the news of similar things in relation to knife crime. He showed me them, wanted me to admire them, then said if I told anyone he'd kill me. I have a vague memory of him saying he'd get M too. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't say anything, yet saying nothing felt wrong. I was terrified of him, and having those things in the house. I think I asked M if she ever went into HB's cupboard. She said no, but later on, she did. I remember shouting from M and F. HB shouting how dare she go into his cupboard. I remember HB looking at me like he wanted me dead. It was terrifying, and I did whatever I could to avoid him, and avoid being in the house alone with him.

=== End TW ===

I want to thank the parts for sharing these things with me. For trusting me. It wasn't their fault. They're safe and I'm safe.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I'm glad you were able to write about your flashbacks, and I wanted to send you a gentle hug of support    The fact your parts shared those things with you, and trusted you, that is such a big thing, and I also want to say that none of that is their fault, and I also want to say that you are safe and they are safe. 

I have always avoided any kind of Zoom situations, because of fears.  I think you're brave to think about the issues and check through some things relating to those triggers. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

It's hard to be in that position as a child not feeling like you can defend yourself and having to be around your HB, knowing they are manipulating themselves into your life and you can't separate 

You're away now, safe as an adult.

[Blueberry]

Snowdrop, I relate to things you wrote about what HB did to you. I'm so sorry you grew up in such a frightening environment. 

I also relate to your feelings of shame. I hurt friends or other people in my past because I simply didn't know it was wrong either. Just thought it was a joke or something because that's what FOO did. I no longer feel shame because I think acting or reacting that way as a child comes as a result of what was done to the child, abuse or neglect or ... You'll be able to throw off the shame too when you're ready. You are doing such hard, brave recovery work!

[marta1234]

Snowdrop, sending you all my love and support  I also relate to mistreating people in the past and the shame that comes from it. You're not alone, and I hear you. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you so much, Hope, Dollyvee, Blueberry and Marta. Your words and support really helped me. Sometimes walking the trauma path feels lonely, but I recognise that so many of us share common experiences.

I've been busy over the Christmas period, so haven't had much chance to write. The past few days I've felt extremely tired. I think it's things catching up with me.

There's something I'm currently facing up to, which I'm finding difficult. That F's response to my abuse by HB was in some ways just as damaging as the abuse itself.

There's one thing in particular I'm wrestling with. When I was a teen, I struggled with depression and SI, and eventually I was referred to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with depression, put on anti-depressants, and referred to a psychologist.

I struggled to speak to the psychologist and tell him things that had happened. I think there were a few factors. Things had been normalised, so I couldn't say what wasn't normal. I had difficulty trusting. Also my parents took me there and back, and I was scared that they might hear things I said, F in particular. I think I was scared of F turning on me.

I think the psychologist realised it was trauma, and he said that I really needed to tell F what had happened with HB. I think he was trying to give me a support network to help me heal. I was reluctant, but he said I really needed to.

One evening, F told me that he thought he should know what it was all about. He was taking me there and back, so he deserved to know. [When I think of this now, I feel outrage. He deserved to know? Like it was a trade-off? Saying that instead of he wanted to help and support me? ]

I was scared, but I said to F that if he really wanted to know, I'd tell him. And he went quiet. Then he started taking about HB, how tough it had been for him growing up. And that I could tell him what it was about if I wanted to, but if I said anything that turned him against HB, he might resent me for it.

I decided not to tell him, and I think the psychologist was shocked at F's response.

In hindsight, F's reaction was incredibly damaging. It meant I had to choose between survival and healing, and so I chose survival. In fact, it probably made healing at that time impossible, as if I'd told him and he'd turned on me, it would have made things worse. But there's another thing. F has always been insistent that he would never choose between HB and me. But he did. At the point when I needed him most, he chose HB. He chose my abuser over me. And that's hurtful, and rubbish and so unfair. Those words aren't enough for the damage it did.

Shortly after that, I had to stop seeing the psychologist. F didn't want to pay, and I couldn't afford to as I was a teenager. I think the psychologist was concerned, and he kept saying that I needed to go to university. In hindsight, I suspect he thought my best chance of healing was to move out the family home, move away, and find support elsewhere.

I have memories after this of F telling people how manipulative I was. This confused me, as I wasn't, and it hurt that F had this opinion of me. I wonder now if he was trying to justify his actions, or inactions. Like I deserved it, which I didn't.

So that's kind of where I am at the moment. That F's response to my abuse was possibly just as damaging (maybe even more so?) than the abuse itself. I'm flitting between feeling upset and angry about this. There's a part who's upset. Another part who's outraged and angry. Another part who's scared. Tied in there, there's this feeling of guilt that I'm being disloyal to F, which may be a legacy burden.

[Tee]

  hugs snowdrop.  The words or parents say are so damaging.  Especially when we are trying to be vunerable and share our problems to have them say or do the wrong thing is paralyzing.  I'm so sorry this happened to you.  Sending a caring hug.