Snowdrop's journal

[sanmagic7]

 

[Snowdrop]

Not Alone, Rainy, Larry, Dolly and San: thank you for encouraging me to rest and for your care. It helps.

I'm continuing to improve, and I think I might be past the worst of it. I'm going to continue to rest, relax and have blanket days because that's the best way of getting over it.

Yesterday I became aware of a part who still feels she has to work very hard on some work I was doing. I've thanked her for her efforts, and told her she's completed the work and can rest.

[Armee]

 

I hope you continue to feel better.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Sending you a gentle hug and wishing you the best for recuperating   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Armee and Hope.

I'm continuing to rest, but also doing some gentle exercise. I have to be careful because I get tired very easily, and I also don't want to do anything that might upset my nerves.

I did some general energy healing this morning, which was illuminating as well as beneficial. I am confident that my illness was triggered by the gaslighting I experienced recently. On top of the stress and EFs, it was like someone had taken an axe to my energy system, like felling a tree . I hadn't realised - or hadn't wanted to realise - how energetically violent that incident was.

On the plus side, knowing what the damage is means I know what I need to repair. It also means I should be better able to protect myself in the future.

[dollyvee]

Hi Snowdrop,

I'm sorry you had to go through the gas lighting. Dealing with people like that is a denial of who you are and your reality. I can imagine that it has a big effect on our energetic system as well as bringing up past stuff.

Sending you a hug if that's ok 

dolly

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Dolly .

I made big progress last night.

I was aware of a part who was feeling very, very stressed. Telling her she could rest wasn't enough because she didn't feel heard, and she didn't believe resting was an option. There was also a protector part who was angry with me because of the stress she'd been under. There was a link between the part's anger, the angry-looking shingles, and the shingles forcing me to rest. Anger directed inwards.

I realised that I needed to truly hear the stressed part and deal with the anger. We went through each stressor, and I acknowledged each one, and got angry about it. I directed the anger outwards in a way that meant it left me and became diffuse. I basically got angry with pretty much everything to the ends of the universe, which diluted the anger so it dissipated.

Doing this freed me up a lot and got rid of a lot of the things that made me sick. It was like walking outside in warm sunshine after a storm or heavy rain. Peace and stillness.

Today I feel much, much better. I don't have the same feeling of fatigue, and I feel pretty chill and relaxed. This is a big difference to the past few weeks, where my nerves have felt constantly on edge.

[dollyvee]

Hi Snowdrop,

That sounds big! That sounds great for you. Anger has been something that's been in the back of my mind for the past little while (and how passive-aggressive behaviour triggers our latent anger; that people use it to trigger others into acting out their own unexpressed anger) and know that I'll need to get around to looking at.

Thank you for sharing 

dolly

[Armee]

This sounds super powerful! And I'm so glad you are feeling better.

[Snowdrop]

It was big, Dolly. I think one of the things behind it is that as a child, I wasn't allowed to be angry, so all the anger I felt had to be pushed down. This pattern just continued. Being able to say things that made me angry, bring it to the surface and release it felt very healing. It felt a bit like Tapping without the actual Tapping.

Thank you, Armee.

I'm feeling much better now. I'm still resting a lot and spending time under the blanket, but I can do more.

[Larry]

hi snowdrop,  stay warm !

[Not Alone]

 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Larry and Not Alone.

I didn't sleep very well last night due to some lingering discomfort. I hope it goes away soon. I'm trying to stay as rested and relaxed as I can to try and help it on its way.

[Snowdrop]

I slept much better last night, and wasn't aware of any discomfort. This is a relief. It's not about the discomfort or pain by itself, but about avoiding longer-term complications.

I've been watching sessions from the Trauma Super Conference, and I'm finding it so helpful. There are nuggets in all the sessions I've watched, sometimes unexpected ones.

Part of why it's been so helpful is that it's helped me feel normal. A few days ago I encountered a part who felt so tired of having to control and hide any hints of dysfunction, and wear an "I am normal" mask to feel accepted. She felt ashamed of the parts carrying trauma. Simultaneously, the mask felt like a barrier to connecting with people: "they mustn't see the real me". After talking with the part, she agreed to let me work more with the traumatised parts and had compassion for them. The conference helped take this further, because she realises that I'm already normal - I responded in a completely normal way to multiple layers of trauma.

There are some realisations I want to put down as a result of the conference so far.

1. There's intergenerational trauma. M and F both carry trauma from before I was born. I know what some of this was. I'm certain there's more I don't know about. The trauma was passed down to me.

2. I understand why HB is the way he is, and why he was so abusive to me. I'm sure he has lots of unresolved trauma, some I know about, some I don't. Because of this trauma, he has a highly reactive protective part (or parts) who believes that attack is the best way of defense. I can feel compassion for this part, but what I also know without a shadow of doubt is that his burden is not mine to carry. Understanding his behaviour does not make it acceptable, and my focus is on the impact it had on me.

3. I recognise there was trauma at home. PA, SA, EA. I was shamed so much I thought it was normal. I was silenced, in the family, and outside. I feel angry because my trauma was real, and I deserved to be heard.

4. School was filled with SA, and it was normalised. The establishment came before the kids.

5. I now recognise there was SA and oppression at work. Also many microaggressions, which I didn't recognise at the time because to me it was "normal". Leaving my job was one of the stages of recovery.

6. There was a similar pattern at play in a group I was part of. Leaving it was one of the stages of recovery.

7. During SA as an adult, my reactions were normal. I realise now that I stopped trusting my body, and it's like I tried to distance myself from it. More shame to add to the mix. But my adaptive behaviour meant that I survived. It was protective and life-saving.

There's something I want to quote from the session on recovering from SA because it moved me so much:

"To anyone listening: I am really sorry that happened to you. Really, deeply sorry that happened to you. It should never have happened to you, and I want you to know that I witness your story and witness your pain."

I think I need to pay more attention to somatic ways of healing trauma. I can use the somatic things I already do in this regard, but do so more consciously. There's also a book on somatic IFS which I think I'd find helpful and plan to buy.

====

This probably sounds like a lot, but I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Balanced, grounded, present and reasonably calm.

[rainydiary]

Snowdrop, I'm glad you are hearing and experiencing things that support you in understanding and expressing your journey.  I hope that you continue to find validation and connection.