Snowdrop's journal

Started by Snowdrop, August 03, 2019, 08:55:24 PM

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Snowdrop

#45
Thank you all for validating my feelings and thoughts about the situation. Yes, it was painful, and such a difficult situation.

I think one of the things throughout our relationship was that HS often said that I should be more like her, and if I'm being honest, I felt I should be more like her too. I now realise that I can only be me, and being me is enough.

Yesterday I did some work on releasing the energy and emotions around my HS. This has helped, and also shown me more layers I can work through. There are other things I can do too. I can continue to bolster my inner child, and replace the beliefs I learned that don't serve me. I can revisit the person I was when I first found out about all this, and support my younger self. I can also revisit the person I was when the split occurred, and reinforce to my younger self that the things HS said weren't true. Just thinking about these actions makes me feel better, and I think it will help me let go of the situation.

:grouphug:

Tee

 :applause: :hug: yes my insightful snowdrop your are enough! I'm so glad your here, thank you for writing and sharing.  Hugs filled with compassion and courage as you continue your hard work. :hug:

Snowdrop

Thanks, Tee, I'm glad you're here too.  :hug:

I did some more releasing this afternoon, and also journeyed to my inner child again to replace some more of my outdated beliefs. I felt that she trusted me more, but there was one core belief that had really taken root and she couldn't let go of. She didn't believe me when I said the belief wasn't true.

I lit a fire, and together we put the belief into the flames and watched it burn and transmute. I must remember to use a fire in this way again, as it worked. I can no longer feel that belief in my system, and I feel very mellow and gentle.

woodsgnome

This little fire ritual I've also found useful. It's very symbolic, not only to watch the flames consume the message about what you're wanting to be rid of, but the warmth projected back from it is like a little bonus message being tacked on. It says: life can be transformed; even cold emotional hurts can be gotten rid of, and warm you in the process of releasing them.

:hug:

Tee


Not Alone

Quote from: Snowdrop on August 19, 2019, 03:46:00 PM
I lit a fire, and together we put the belief into the flames and watched it burn and transmute. I must remember to use a fire in this way again, as it worked. I can no longer feel that belief in my system, and I feel very mellow and gentle.
Fantastic.

Snowdrop

Quote from: woodsgnome on August 19, 2019, 11:25:58 PM
...the warmth projected back from it is like a little bonus message being tacked on. It says: life can be transformed; even cold emotional hurts can be gotten rid of, and warm you in the process of releasing them.

I completely get this, woodsgnome. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I felt so mellow afterwards.

The belief I ended up burning was "I must take on other people's trauma". I know this came from my FOO, as M, F and HB had all undergone traumas before I was born, and I had to navigate the fallout. I can see now that I was caretaking their traumas, and they weren't mine to caretake. M would sometimes say that I'd been sent to save her. I'm glad that I gave her life purpose, but I think I also took on responsibility for saving everyone.

I woke up in the night knowing two more core beliefs that I need to jettison.

The first is "I am responsible for how other people are feeling (but only the bad stuff)". I think this comes from F. He often warned me not to make him angry, but I had no idea how to prevent his anger. He'd get scarily angry irrespective of anything I did or didn't do, so I took on responsibility for other people's feelings as a core belief.

The second belief is related. It's hidden deep inside, and very core to me. It's "I'm such a bad person that I don't even realise how bad I am". It's related to F getting angry with me and telling me all the ways in which I was a terrible person. I didn't know what I'd done to provoke him, so my logic was that I must be inherently bad.

My head knows that these beliefs are incorrect, but I'm still holding onto them. I need to release them.

Hope67

 :hug: to you Snowdrop, if that's ok.  I relate to the beliefs you expressed there. 
Hope  :)

Tee

Oh snowdrop I relate  :hug:. You now the phrase" a child only a mother can love". Mine didn't so I must so be so bad...  I feel you. :hug:

Snowdrop

Hope and Tee, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to these beliefs. I hope you both know how much loved you are on this forum.  :hug:

I went on another inner child journey this afternoon to tackle the core beliefs I mentioned earlier.

I found her waiting for me in a sunny clearing where an ugly looking plant was wilting in the sunlight. We both knew that it was the "I'm a bad person" plant that was now out in the open. I took out a magnifying glass, we held hands, and I used the magnifying glass to burn the plant with the sun's rays. The plant burnt down to the ground and beyond so that all its roots were destroyed and there was nothing left.

In the ashes lay a glowing seed, the "I am enough" plant. We watered it with some sparkly water, and watched it begin to take root and grow. I turned to my inner child, asked her what her beliefs were, and she told me "I am enough".

Next, we went to a room full of contracts. There was a contract waiting for us on a table in the middle of the room. The contract said "I am responsible for other people's traumas", and "I am responsible for other people's feelings". I stamped it with a big red "void" stamp, and my inner child scrawled rude words on it that I can't repeat here without getting banned from the forum  ;D. After we'd finished defacing the contract, I screwed it up, threw it up into the air, and it exploded into fireworks that drew rude words.

After that we went back to the "I am enough" plant, saw how much it had already grown, and hugged. I asked my inner child what she believed, and she said "I am worthy".

Tee


Three Roses


Not Alone


Snowdrop

#58
Thank you Tee, 3R and notalone.  :grouphug:

One thing I forgot to say about yesterday was that right at the end, my inner child looked in my eyes and said to me "you are worthy and I love you". I wasn't expecting it, and it brought tears to my eyes (emotional happy ones). I'm writing this here because each time I remember it, I feel a warm glow inside

I've done a lot of work over the past few days, so I think today is more about consolidation than tackling new things. I want to spend a little bit of time tending the "I am enough" plant, and I'm aware of a couple of little energy blocks that feel like they're ready to be dissolved, but that's about it.

I've actually been quite busy this morning. I've hoovered my office, I've cleaned a couple of windows, and I've done some space clearing. It's sunny this morning with the gentlest of breezes, so I have the windows open to make the house nice and airy. I'm aware that I have a few aches in my arms from doing a bit too much lugging yesterday, but I've sprayed on some magnesium oil which should help.

Tee

 :hug: have a great day snowdrop