Snowdrop's journal

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #60 on: August 21, 2019, 04:58:50 PM »
One thing I forgot to say about yesterday was that right at the end, my inner child looked in my eyes and said to me "you are worthy and I love you". I wasn't expecting it, and it brought tears to my eyes (emotional happy ones). I'm writing this here because each time I remember it, I feel a warm glow inside
That sounds very special and significant.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #61 on: August 21, 2019, 05:30:14 PM »
You too Tee.  :hug:

Yes, notalone, I thought it was significant too. Up until that point, I'd been the one looking in her eyes, correcting a misguided belief, and telling her I loved her. Her doing it back to me took me by surprise. It meant that she now held worthiness as a core belief, and she also wanted to heal me of my own beliefs in return. It also meant that we'd built a proper relationship with each other, and she was with me, and part of me. Other things as well, which I can't quite put into words, but they're beautiful.

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #62 on: August 21, 2019, 05:35:03 PM »
Thank you for sharing. Your words brought joy to my heart. When I've read some of your postings I've thought, "I am so far from that." But what you've written about your process and progress has given me hope and ideas for when I am further along in my journey.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #63 on: August 22, 2019, 08:49:51 AM »
I wrote some things in my journal yesterday in case they were helpful, but this morning I wondered if they weren't and deleted them. The key thing I wanted to say is that a few months ago, I was nowhere near being able to make the progress I'm making at the moment. It's a journey, and I'm glad that my journal has given hope.

I woke up this morning with more thoughts about my inner child experience a couple of days ago. One major thing I can take from it is that with the sort of energy trauma work I'm doing, I'm much stronger with my inner child present. Having her with me helped me destroy the "I am a bad person" plant because it was core belief to both of us. Having us both grow the "I am enough" plant was vital because it's a core belief we both need to develop. I can feel it growing, and it's as though it's also beginning to be taken on by me in the past.

The other way in which she helped me was by defacing the "I am responsible for other people's traumas and bad feelings" contracts with rude words. I've tried to get rid of things that have felt like contracts before, and it was so hard to do. It took a massive effort, and it never felt as though it had properly gone away. I think involving my inner child was more powerful because it went deeper. Also I thought writing rude words on it was funny, and laughing at it made it so much easier.

I think there are other things where I can involve my inner child. With my HB, for example, it can feel like I'm trapped in a very cruel net with lots of hooks. I periodically do work to remove the net, but it's so hard to do, and the net tends to come back. I think it will be a lot easier and more effective if she helps me with the net. As I think about that, it's already feeling easier and shifting things.

The aches in my arms became quite painful yesterday afternoon, spreading to my neck, shoulders, hands and back. It reminded me of when I was in a car accident a few years ago. Objectively, it was a minor incident, but the impact on me was huge. I've always tended to minimise this to other people so that they wouldn't worry, and I went emotionally numb too. I felt guilty about considering the car accident a trauma, and thought that even contemplating such a thing made me weak. (This attitude stems from childhood.)

This morning, I acknowledged that my injuries from the car accident were traumatic, and within about an hour my achiness has significantly reduced. This may just be a coincidence, but I suspect that the pain was directly related to the unacknowledged trauma. It's given me a chance to tune into the original car accident trauma, so this afternoon I think I'll see if there's anything I can release around it.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2020, 05:39:31 PM by Snowdrop »

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Tee

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #64 on: August 22, 2019, 11:22:39 AM »
 :hug: I don't have more words at the moment. But wanted you to know I read it... Sending hugs of support :hug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #65 on: August 22, 2019, 01:41:30 PM »
I think this is a great idea, how you're involving your ic in the process. One thing occurred to me, that perhaps it's helpful to have her there because maybe the plant belonged to her originally, and she was perhaps the one who signed the contract?  :Idunno: Just a thought.

When I feel better I may try this type of ic work.  :wave: :wave:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #66 on: August 22, 2019, 02:12:45 PM »
Thanks, Tee.  :hug:

perhaps it's helpful to have her there because maybe the plant belonged to her originally, and she was perhaps the one who signed the contract?

That makes sense, Three Roses. I think you're right.

If you decide to try this type of work, the big starting point for me was getting my inner child to tell me her beliefs. Then after each one, looking deep into her eyes, telling her a corrected version of the belief followed by "I love you". It didn't feel entirely genuine at first, but the more she believed it, the more I believed it, and the easier it got.

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Three Roses

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #67 on: August 23, 2019, 05:03:05 AM »
 :thumbup:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #68 on: August 23, 2019, 07:51:23 AM »
Yesterday afternoon I found a few blockages relating to the car accident. A couple were on a physical level, a third was on a more energetic level. Dissolving got rid of them.

Later in the day, more memories began to surface about how I was after the car accident. During that time I felt in so much pain, physically, mentally and emotionally, and so lonely. I tried to reach out to a friend, and she said we'd have to meet up after I'd recovered. I couldn't tell her that I needed her now.

As I began to connect with these feelings, I released what I could. I also did some more inner child work, replacing more beliefs. The releasing and the inner child work helped.

This morning I wanted to go back and help the younger me, so I thought about what I hoped to achieve, how I might do it, and set off.

I found my younger self through a trapdoor in the ground that led down some steps into a dark cellar. She was sitting in the dark by herself. It was really grim. I entered the cellar, taking a candle-lit lamp with me, and spoke to her for a bit, telling her that she would heal, she'd mend, she'd find happiness. Things would get better. I asked her if she was willing to leave the cellar, and she was, so I helped her up the steps into the sunlight.

We then went to a healing place to be healed, and after that we visited the "I am enough" plant. I saw the belief begin to grow in her, and I told her she was strong, and I loved her. We hugged, I asked her if she wanted to come home, and she said yes.

I'm a bit emotional after all that. I cried during the journey as it was so distressing to see her in the dark cellar like that, and I also cried because I was so happy she was able to come out of the cellar and that she wanted to come home. I can feel her inside me, becoming part of me. I need to listen to her, comfort her, build her up. My inner child can help with that and she wants to.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2020, 10:27:39 AM by Snowdrop »

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Blueberry

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #69 on: August 23, 2019, 10:18:29 AM »
 :hug: :hug: You're doing massive work here.   

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notalone

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #70 on: August 23, 2019, 04:44:58 PM »
So glad she is out of the cellar and receiving comfort.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #71 on: August 24, 2019, 01:01:52 PM »
Thank you, Blueberry and notalone.  :hug:

I didn't sleep very well last night, and I felt out of sorts this morning. I think it was partly because my emotions are quite close to the surface after the work I've been doing this week, but mostly because H and I were meeting a couple of friends for breakfast. I feel anxious and hypervigilant in group situations in case I'm verbally attacked, made fun of etc, so my natural instinct is to try and not draw attention to myself  :disappear:. We had a nice time, and I don't think I particularly dissociated, but I did find myself checking for exits and escape routes. At least I'm now aware that I do this.

I'm back home and feeling much better now, but I think I'm going to take it easy for the rest of the day.

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Hope67

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #72 on: August 24, 2019, 02:00:52 PM »
Hi Snowdrop,
I think you did well to make it to your friends for breakfast, especially after having a difficult night's sleep.  It's good to hear you had a nice time, and now you're back home again, and taking it easy for the rest of the day - I hope that plan goes well.   :hug: to you, Snowdrop, if that's ok.
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #73 on: August 24, 2019, 03:45:17 PM »
wow!  i agree w/ blueberry that you're doing massive work lately.  it's so inspiring as well as amazing.  thanks for sharing this journey/process you're going thru.

yeah, i'm not surprised you're feeling a bit out of sorts.  i hope you can find some time to relax, just be and breathe for a bit.  trauma processing is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining, and we do need to refuel every so often.  down time is healing, too.

sending love and a hug filled with  softness to embrace you while you rest.   :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snowdrop's journal
« Reply #74 on: August 25, 2019, 08:45:06 AM »
Thank you, Hope and San.

I had a flashback induced panic attack last night. It was a full flashback with visuals. I'm going to see if I can write about what it was about.

=== TW PV, threats and feelings of terror ===

[Edit: I wrote at length about a major incident with HB that happened when I was about 10 or 11. I've since removed it, as it no longer needs to be here.]
« Last Edit: February 23, 2020, 05:05:02 PM by Snowdrop »