Snowdrop's journal

Snowdrop · December 17, 2019, 06:50:07 PM

Thanks Blueberry, that helps. You're right. Not in contact means not in contact. I have taken off my meanie badge!

Blueberry · December 17, 2019, 09:17:18 PM

Snowdrop · December 19, 2019, 10:02:38 AM

I had quite an intense work day yesterday, but days like this are getting easier. Being able to communicate with parts and ask them to step back is so helpful as it means that I can do things from my Self.

There's something I've been pondering. I have read two different things about exile parts in different books: 1. that they are all children, and 2. that they tend to be children. Richard Schwartz says that they tend to be children, and RS is who I have the most affinity with. It's possible that the author who says that they are all children just hasn't encountered any who aren't. I know that I have rescued exiled parts that are adult.

I'm thinking back to some of my adult traumas. When I was bullied at work, I remember thinking that it was just like being back at school. Maybe my experience was to do with a young part who was at school? Maybe that part, or one of her protectors, was in charge? I also remember other adult traumas where I couldn't speak or act. That was almost certainly because of younger parts and their protectors.

I think that at some point I need to explore which parts might be holding adult traumas. I'm going to keep an open mind about whether these parts might be children or adults. It's all about my experiences, and what's helpful to me.

Snowdrop · December 19, 2019, 09:35:12 PM

I've checked in with my retrieved exiles, and all are OK.

sanmagic7 · December 20, 2019, 05:33:42 PM

i agree w/ you totally, snowdrop, about it being all about your experiences and what they've meant to you, how they've happened to you, how they've affected your perspective of yourself, others, and the world. i think that's great insight on your part that you wonder if the authors of those book may not have found any adult parts of their own.

if there's one thing i've learned thru all this, the individuality and specificity of how our trauma affects us is most definitely our own. it may not be like any other trauma survivor's at all, yet it doesn't mean ours is not valid. best to you with your open-minded exploration - i give you a lot of credit for your willingness to accept yourself as unique.

sending love and a hug filled w/ a sense of adventure

Snowdrop · December 21, 2019, 02:21:20 PM

Thanks San. It will be interesting to find out!

I found out a bit more on today's IFS journey. I asked the retrieved exile parts about any impact my adult traumas may have had on them, and there was some. The impact varied from part to part and from trauma to trauma. A couple of parts carried shame, for example. Another part said that there were repeating patterns of trauma because she'd been hoping for different outcomes. Most of the parts said that the adult traumas are no longer a problem for them because when they released their burdens, the energy of the adult traumas was also released. I think the key thing is that I continue to work with the parts so that they can thoroughly unburden.

Hope67 · December 21, 2019, 03:00:02 PM

Hi Snowdrop,
This is great, and I'm glad you're enabling your parts to work towards thoroughly unburdening.

Hope

Not Alone · December 26, 2019, 04:29:17 AM

Quote from: Snowdrop on December 19, 2019, 10:02:38 AM
It's all about my experiences, and what's helpful to me.

Absolutely. I think it is great that you are open and accepting of your Parts and what is true for them.

Snowdrop · December 28, 2019, 01:45:17 PM

Thank you, Hope and Notalone. I appreciate the support and validation.

This was my first Christmas officially knowing that I have cptsd so I tried to be gentle with myself. Christmas Day was busy, but I had a nice rest the day after.

I was triggered on Christmas Day [I've edited out why]. I felt a mix of emotions. Anger for being put on the spot, grief for the hurt he caused, fear that he might want to be in contact with me, guilt for feeling ungrateful, more anger etc. I acknowledged the feelings, but I also stepped away from them while my parents were around.

I went through a bit of the "Greater than the Sum of our Parts" audiobook by Richard Schwartz this morning. I found it helpful. It made me realise that a part felt angry about HB, another part was trying to push it away as it didn't want my anger to antagonise F, and another part felt guilty because wondered if I'd been wrong about HB and misremembered the abuse.

On today's IFS journey, I communicated with these parts, and they now seem OK. The anger is valid, I don't need to push parts away, and I didn't misremember the abuse so I have nothing to feel guilty about.

I also checked in with the retrieved exiles.

The 5 and 6 year olds felt sad and scared as they didn't want anything to do with HB. They also felt scared that they might be exiled again for feeling that way. I comforted them and reassured them. They are valued parts that I love very much. I'm not going to be in contact with HB and I'm strong enough to protect them.

The 8 and 11 year olds were both OK.

The 15 year old was absolutely delighted that I hadn't seen HB over the Christmas period, and this made me feel happy. I think her delight also helped the 5 and 6 year olds.

Not Alone · December 28, 2019, 02:43:05 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on December 28, 2019, 01:45:17 PM
I comforted them and reassured them.They are valued parts that I love very much. I'm not going to be in contact with HB and I'm strong enough to protect them.

I understand how getting a gift from your HB brought so many intense feelings for you. I thing you dealt with your feelings and your Parts with care, compassion, and kindness.

sanmagic7 · December 28, 2019, 03:27:32 PM

quite honestly, adult me wouldn't want to have anything to do w/ him either, let alone any younger parts. it sounds like you dealt w/ a very uncomfortable situation with strength and grace. well done

these holidays can be difficult. i hope you can continue being gentle w/ yourself, and it sounds like you are letting your parts know exactly what they need to know - that they can depend on you to take care of them. it must feel very reassuring.

sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing kindness for you and yours.

Snowdrop · December 30, 2019, 08:21:39 PM

Thank you, Notalone and San. Your words really helped me.

All the retrieved exile parts are OK again now.

Snowdrop · January 03, 2020, 02:45:52 PM

I've not posted here for a few days, but I've been checking in with the retrieved exiles every day and they're all OK.

Snowdrop · January 04, 2020, 08:37:34 PM

I listened to some more of "Greater than the Sum of our Parts" by Richard Schwartz today. The focus of the audiobook seems to be about dealing with protectors, not exiles, but it's still helpful. I realise that through unburdening exiles, a lot of my protectors have given up their roles. Unburdening the exiles also means that the different parts have more awareness that I exist.

Snowdrop · January 05, 2020, 03:56:48 PM

During today's IFS journey, the 11 and 15 year old did a bit more unburdening. They both had burdens which they'd been storing outside their bodies in boxes, but they hadn't previously felt like completely releasing these burdens.

Each part wanted to release their burdens by burning them in a firepit. The 11 year old wanted to stay and watch the flames of her burdens burning for a long time. The 15 year olds burdens turned into firebirds and flew away.

The 5 and 6 year olds thanked me for protecting them. This meant a lot to me, as these were the parts who felt sad and scared on Christmas Day.

There weren't any protector parts for me to speak to.