Snowdrop's journal

[Not Alone]

Glad the 11 & 15 year olds were able to burn some burdens. Good for them!    Hugs to all the parts for whom it feels safe.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Notalone.

I've become aware of a new part, or group of parts, that I need to work with. There's a protector part that on the surface looks, sounds and behaves like HB . It's taken on his energy. I need to get the part to release that energy, find out what its role is and also who it's protecting. I think there may be a 12 or 13 year old exile that needs rescuing, but I need to find out more.

[sanmagic7]

incredible to me how you're going about this and what you're discovering.  amazing, just like you.  i think you're making really good progress, sd.     you are showing your warrior spirit at every turn.  sending love and a hug filled w/ cleansing that neg. energy.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San . It really is fascinating.

I feel fear when I think of the protector part that's taken on HB's energy. I also want to push it away and reject it. I recognise that it's not my Self thinking these things but other parts. It means that this cluster of parts consists of the part that's taken on HB's energy, a part that's scared of it, a part that wants to push it away, and a possible young exile. There may be others too.

When I unblend from these parts, I feel curious about and compassion for the HB-like part. This is good.

[sanmagic7]

thinking about the idea of taking on HB's energy.  i think of how we end up with so many negative beliefs about ourselves that we didn't have when we were born, but that got put on us when we didn't know how to reject them cuz we didn't have the logic, know-how, or life experience to do so.  could that be a possibility with this part of you - that HB energy was pushed onto it rather than it taking it on willingly?  that this was something forced on you that you couldn't get away from?

the parts that are carrying HB's energy, i think they are worth saving, for sure, but i don't think it's a bad thing to want to reject or push away the neg. energy.  it didn't belong to them in the first place - it seems to me that it deserves to be pushed out into the universe, away from your parts that have struggled with holding onto it until it wasn't needed anymore.

just some thoughts, my own opinions.  if this doesn't fit for you, please ignore it.  i feel compassion for the part that's had to carry this burden for so long.  sending love and a hug full of pos. energy for balance.

[Snowdrop]

I've just been on an IFS journey to talk to the HB-like part.

The part was initially aggressive and bullying, but it went quiet when I told it that I knew it wasn't HB. I asked how much of its energy came from HB, and it said about 70%. Did it like being like HB? No, it hated it and despised itself for being like that, but it felt it had to. Why was it being like HB? What is its role? It had to be like HB so that I'd do what HB wanted. People might like me more, HB might stop bullying and abusing me, and I might get on better at school. I asked if the part felt able to release the 70% of energy that came from HB, and it got really scared. It was scared of HB punishing it if it let go of the energy. If it could let go of the energy, what might it do instead? It didn't quite know, but something positive and helpful.

At some point, the part stopped looking like HB. It looked young and vulnerable.

I asked the part how old it thought it was, and it looked confused. It said it could see two versions of me, my Self and a 13 year old. I asked if it was protecting the 13 year old, and it said yes. Eventually it gave me permission to speak to the 13 year old.

When I tried to speak to the 13 year old, another part appeared. It was like some sort of maze that made me feel as though I was losing my way. I spoke to the part, and it said it was scared of the HB-like part, and was scared of the 13 year old part overwhelming me with her emotions. I said that the 13 year old wouldn't overwhelm me, she could choose not to. The part then agreed to let me see the 13 year old.

This time, I reached the 13 year old, and I began to witness some of the things she'd experienced. There was a lot, and it was a blur of images. I need to go back to her and properly witness her experiences so that she can unburden. In the meantime, I put her in a craft room so that she could be creative and make things.

I went back to the HB-like part, which had calmed down a lot. It began to give up some of HB's energy, but I need to do more work with it in order for it to properly let it go.

[sanmagic7]

just a big WOW!  this is amazing stuff.

i'm curious as to how you feel when you go on such an adventure inside you.  do you feel less damaged?  healthier?  more healed?  this is new to me, fascinating, and it seems really positive for you.  i'm so very glad about that, snowdrop.

well done. :thumbup:sending love and a hug filled with admiration

[Snowdrop]

That's a good question.

I think the key thing is that during the journeys, I'm my Self, so I'm unblended from any parts. I feel calm, confident, compassionate, and there's also this feeling of wisdom or clarity. These feelings continue after the journey for as long as I'm unblended from parts.

There's also this feeling of space as well, as all the parts step aside to make room for my Self. Before I started working with IFS, I wondered if my head might begin to feel a bit full, but actually it's the complete opposite. I feel less crowded.

I think another thing is that it feels very safe. I know that some of the journeys probably sound a bit , but as long as I'm my Self, it's fine. If I feel scared at any point, that's an indicator that another part is involved. I can then separate from that part, talk to it, get it on board and all is well.

It's honestly fascinating.

[MoonBeam]

Snowdrop, your work is truly amazing. To be able to identify the different parts and roles and feelings. That is really big work. I too am fascinated. I can't imagine having that kind of clarity with my self. I suppose I'm not really sure who "Self" is. There's a place to start.

My T just mentioned IFS to me a few sessions ago and I have read all I can from DS' web page. I learned about it from Janina Fisher's page. I think I'll check out DS' book.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

[Snowdrop]

You're very welcome, MoonBeam. Thank you.

I can definitely recommend "Internal Family Systems Therapy" (second edition) by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy. It's a great book, and my starting point for finding out about IFS. It's also worth searching YouTube for "IFS Schwartz" and "IFS Schwartz trauma".

[Not Alone]

Wow. Sounds like a lot of good work; good interaction and care. I love that the 13 year old is in a craft room. I hope she is feeling safe and free to explore and create. Makes sense that there is more work to do. Sounds like a lot of feelings, beliefs and memories with the Parts with whom you engaged today.

Like others, I am amazed and intrigued by the IFS work you are doing. Thank you for your open sharing. I am closer to learning about IFS. I have very strong inner resistance to it though. 

[Snowdrop]

Thanks, Notalone . I can understand your inner resistance to IFS. If it helps, the book says that parts can initially feel threatened by IFS because they fear they're going to be rejected in some way. This isn't the case though. All parts are valid and valued.

My mission on today's IFS journey was to help the HB-like part and the 13 year old.

I started by approaching the HB-like part. It told me that it could now see it might be possible for it to release HB's energy and relinquish its role. I told it that it had a choice. When I asked if I could see the 13 year old, it immediately agreed.

The 13 year old was more settled today. She showed me round her craft room and thanked me for bringing her there. I gave her a cuddle and asked how she was feeling. She said she was glad she was no longer stuck in the past, but she was tired of carrying baggage around with her. She'd had to carry it all by herself because there was nobody she could talk to. I told her I was there for her, she could talk to me, and she looked so relieved.

I asked if there was anything she wanted to show me now. There was. She took me to the old school field.

=== Possible TW ===

She was at school during break time when one of the boys ran at her. She ran away on to the field, but he was faster. He threw her onto the ground and assaulted her.

=== End TW ===

She told me how the incident had made her feel. Feelings of shame, being alone, frightened, humiliated. The way friends had laughed. I told her that it wasn't a laughing matter. She was right to run away, and none of it was her fault. The boy was at fault, not her.

I asked her if she wanted me to do over the situation, and she did. When she ran away, I stepped in front of the boy and stopped him running at her. I shouted at him, telling him how disgraceful his behaviour was, and took him to the Headteacher's office. He got expelled and sent away so that he would never attack any girls or women ever again.

After this, the 13 year old and I went back to the craft room. I asked if she felt ready to unburden, and she was. The burden left her like a black oil slick, which we poured into a basin. We added some drops of some sort to the oil, and it turned clear and pearly.

Some of the pearly liquid rose up from the basin and formed a large egg. The egg hatched, and a huge butterfly came out of it. The butterfly flew around a bit, then landed on the 13 year old's shoulder. I asked the butterfly what it was, what it was doing there, and it said that it was the 13 year old's power. It had been overpowered by the oil, but now it had been released and could support the 13 year old.

The 13 year old continued to release more oil, and I helped her to wash it off. All of it turned to a pearly liquid in the basin, and we washed it away. She released more burdens in the form of rocks, and she smashed these up with a big sledgehammer while shouting and screaming. This made her feel much better.

Before I went I gave her a big hug and told her how much I loved her. I promised I'd be back.

I then went back to the HB-like part. The part told me that it realised that being like HB wasn't what the 13 year old needed, and I agreed. It relinquished the HB energy. I thanked it for letting go of the energy, and for doing it's best to help and protect me.

I feel very calm and peaceful.

[sanmagic7]

 

what a creative method of healing this is.  i'm a big fan of creativity when it comes to dealing with our issues because everyone is so different in their needs and wants.  setting a part in a playroom, stepping in to help another part w/ an abuser, helping a part release the goo (i've actually experienced that with myself, so i could relate completely) and changing it into something benign - so great.

i'm so glad you found that book and that it's working so well for you.  bravo!   really wonderful, snowdrop.

sending love and a hug filled w/ continuity as you travel this path.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,
Just want to cheer you on in your creative and brave healing journey.  for all the Parts.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for the support, San and Notalone.

I read a chapter last night about using IFS to treat cptsd and dissociative disorders including DID. It was from the book "Internal Family Systems Therapy: New Dimensions", and I found it useful.

One of the things the chapter suggests is using safe spaces so that each part has its own safe space (although parts can share a safe space if they want to). Thinking about my experiences with IFS, each retrieved exile seems to have its own safe space. The 13 year old has a craft room, the 15 year old has a log cabin, the 11 year old has a library and so on. This is good. I can also double-check if the parts that have a less well-defined space feel safe, or if they need something more from me.

Another suggestion is that each part has a container it can use to hold burdens they're not ready to release yet. This is something each of my retrieved exiles produce when needed, but maybe I can make better use of them.

The chapter also describes how multiple parts may be carrying the same burden. This is something I'm aware of, and I've been dealing with it by getting each part to unburden individually. This works, but symptoms and triggers can remain in the system because there are other parts still carrying the burden. The chapter says that another option is to do a group unburdening with all the parts who carry the burden, with one of the parts being a spokesperson for the group. This sounds interesting, and it's something to bear in mind.

Another thing the chapter says is that as you progress with IFS, you can unearth new exiles that you weren't previously aware of because of dissociation. If the other parts don't want you to go near that part, you may still be able to unburden it by asking if a part you already know is willing to take on some of the new part's burden. If it is, you can then unburden that part instead. I find that fascinating, and it's not something I'd previously considered.