Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

I had quite a long IFS journey today.

I started off by visiting the 5 and 6 year olds, who were splashing about in the pool by the waterfall. I spoke to them individually.

The 5 year old told me that she was very happy, and felt complete. She didn't feel as though there was anything really left to unburden, and she was ready to take up a new role. She wanted to help me be more playful. She also told me that I needed to stay in touch with her bear. I told her that I loved her so much, she would always be part of me, and if she ever needed me I'd be there.

The 6 year old told me that she felt pretty complete too, and she wanted to take up her role of helping me to feel more joyful. I told her that I loved her, and she would always have a place in my heart. It felt as though the playfulness of the 5 year old and the joyfulness of the 6 year old joined forces and entered my heart. I can still feel them there now, and it's delightful.

The 11 year old was pleased to see me, and delighted about the 5 and 6 year olds. When I asked if there was anything she needed to unburden she said there was, but she didn't know what it was yet. I asked if she could take it out of her body, and she could. She reached inside and took out some black, oily slime. She said that it was the root of her despair and sadness, and she commented how odd it was that when she took it out of her body and into the light it didn't seem as large as she'd imagined. I asked what she wanted to do with it, so she placed it on an unlit fire pit. She released more of it from her belly, put that on the fire pit too, then put white sage leaves around it to purify it. When we set fire to it, it smelled wonderful, and I could feel the release.

After it had finished burning, we took the fragrant ash, put it around the "I am worthy" tree and watered it (the tree is quite large now, and has ribbons tied round some of the branches). She felt quite tired after this, so I took her back to her library and wrapped her in blankets in a hammock so that she could sleep.

The 13 year old was in her craft room. She'd been making toys. I asked if there was anything she wanted to unburden, but she didn't think so. I asked her if she'd seen the "I am worthy" tree yet, and she hadn't, so I took her there.

When she saw the tree, the 13 year old spontaneously unburdened. A kaleidoscope of butterflies left her upper body and landed on the tree. It was such a joyful sight, and it gave us both an enormous sense of freedom. We watched the butterflies for a while, and then I took her back to her craft room.

The 15 year old is well, and I spent some time with her. She didn't have anything to unburden this time, but she was very happy.

I then went to meet the 13 year old's protector (the one that had taken on HB's energy). I showed it the 13 year old, and it was delighted how well and happy she looked. I then showed it all the butterflies on the "I am worthy" tree, and it was stunned. It told me that it didn't feel it needed to be her protector any more, and it set aside its role. I asked it if it wanted anything else from me and if it wanted a new role, and it said that for now it wanted to rest. I thanked it for its protection.

Finally, I spoke to the part which had felt threatened by my Self. It's now fully on board with me being Self-led, and it feels safe.

[sanmagic7]

what beautiful images these are, so full of strength and power.  i admire your determination, the time and energy you're utilizing to continue on this road.  well done, snowdrop!   love and hugs!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San.

All well after yesterday. All parts seem OK, and I've been feeling good.

I've been listening to more of the audiobook "Greater than the Sum of our Parts" by Richard Schwartz. I like the book, but I can't listen to much of it at a time because I often fall asleep while listening to it. It's not that the book's boring (it's not, it's fascinating), and it doesn't feel as though I'm dissociating. It's more that when I listen to it, my parts seem to settle down, they feel all safe and cosy, and I end up asleep.

I've just heard a couple of things in the book that are worth remembering.

1) You can ask a part (such as an exile) to not overwhelm you before you deal with it. Once a part has agreed to not overwhelm you, it won't, and this can make it easier to help it.

2) Nothing inside can hurt you if you stay in your Self and are unafraid. Some parts might look scary, but they can't hurt you. When they realise that, you can talk to them and find out what's going on.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,
Thank you for continuing to share your intimate and beautiful journey with your parts.

[Snowdrop]

You're very welcome, Notalone. I value your support.

I've noticed some curious changes since I've started working with IFS.

The first is something I think I may have written about before. When I practice Tai Chi or Qigong, it's very much a practice for my Self. Parts either step back, or I ask them to step back, and it feels very quiet, peaceful, open and expansive. It helps to strengthen my Self, and better embody my Self.

If, however, I'm listening to any guided healings, it's completely different. It's like it's the parts being healed, and my Self is a facilitator. I can no longer simply follow along, as I did before. I have to check that parts are on board every step of the way so that no part is doing something that upsets them. I also need to get permission from any protectors too. It feels like a group activity where individual parts have permission to opt out, and sometimes I even feel or see the parts being healed. I think this leads to a deeper healing, and as I'm careful to involve protectors, it feels as though there's less risk of some sort of healing crisis.

[sanmagic7]

interesting revelations, snowdrop.  it's amazing to me how many facets of our minds there are, their functions, and the individuality with which we can reach and heal them.  we are wondrous beings, all.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Snowdrop]

 

I have a couple of things to talk about, or to at least try to talk about.

The first is that I had another intense work day this week, and I was fine. I actually felt at the point where I could take everything in my stride, and it was normal, not . This is huge progress, as the work is objectively stressful. I'm pleased with how well I'm handling it.

The second is that there's a challenge I have to face. I don't think I can write about what that challenge is, but it's related to my work, and I find it triggering. The thought of it upsets some parts. It's triggered flashbacks of being stalked by an abuser. Feelings of fear, shame, wanting to hide from the world, not be noticed, being noticed is scary. Shame over my appearance, being judged, humiliated. Tears. That's when I'm blended with parts. But when I'm unblended, when I'm my Self, the fear, shame and tears go away, and I have so much compassion for the parts that are finding it hard. I want to help them.

I could turn my back on the challenge and walk away. Is this an option? Yes, but I might end up losing work, which would be bad. I would also have the fear of losing work hanging over me, and it would activate an inner critic. I'm pretty certain that I'd regret it.

A deeper factor is that I sense facing this challenge would help me to heal. A cluster of parts is activated, and these parts are valuable. They deserve my attention, and they deserve to be healed. While it's currently a challenge for me, I can use it to give those activated parts the healing and peace that they need.

So. Onwards and upwards.

[sanmagic7]

no advice or suggestions, just know that i'm with you and wishing you the best with all this.  i guess sometimes, while those challenges are just that, a challenge, they can, as you say, lead us to something different, something more positive.  love and hugs, 

[Snowdrop]

San . I can feel that you're there, and it helps.

I went on an IFS journey earlier.

I talked to a few parts, in particular a critical one who kept repeating hurtful things I'd been told about my appearance. After some discussion, it told me that it did this because it was carrying the energy of other people. Some from HB, some from bullies. It was tired of carrying this energy around, so it packed it up in a FedEx box, and the box was taken away.

Afterwards, the part felt really guilty and upset about how it had behaved. I comforted it, told it how precious it was to me, and when it recovered it agreed to be a cheerleader for me. It's currently very tired, so it's gone to sleep in a forest.

There's a lot more work to do, but this feels like a good start.

[Snowdrop]

I wonder if me referring to it as a challenge is minimising it. In practical terms, it means me facing a trigger that has been with me for as long as I can remember, and that weaves it's way through a number of traumas. I have to not just tolerate this trigger, but be comfortable with it. That's huge. But I don't want to be intimidated by it, so I'm going to go back to viewing it as a challenge to be tackled.

I woke up early this morning. Parts were activated. Thoughts of "I can't do this". A flicker of SI. I unblended, and comforted the parts. They settled. I'm so thankful I learned about IFS when I did. This would be so much harder without the experience I have with it.

I went on an early morning IFS journey. It started off differently. There was a huge presence, as big as the sky. Rumbling words of "You are protected" that filled me. I felt my eyes welling up. Could I do this? "Follow the path. Your Self can heal."

I visited the 11 year old part. She was quite distressed. I witnessed various events relating to the trigger. Things she'd been told. Things she'd felt. I told her I understood. I stepped in and did over some of the events, and she unburdened. It was like fire blasting out of her body but without the heat. We both felt a sense of relief afterwards. I comforted her, gave her the gift that she asked for, and then put her to bed because she felt exhausted.

Next I visited the 13 year old, but as I did so, I felt something welling up elsewhere. I tried to talk to the 13 year old, but she told me not yet. I had to go back. There was something else to deal with first.

I turned back, and went to the place where parts tend to hang out. There was a huge dark fog. Who are you? No answer. What are you? No answer. What's your role? No answer. Then it gathered itself up and rushed at me.

When it was a couple of metres away from me, it bounced off as though there was a forcefield around me. I told it that I was my Self. It couldn't hurt me. It coalesced into a much smaller black cloud, and it started to respond to me.

It told me it was a part that was holding my shame. I'd pushed it away for so long. It hated being pushed away. I asked it about the shame it held, from what age, and it said it held trauma for all my life. From when I was about two. I told the part I was sorry for pushing it away. I didn't know. I hadn't understood. But I was here for it now, and I would help it. I asked if there was a safe space it wanted to go to, but it couldn't think of one.

I went back to the 13 year old, who thanked me for going back. She said she was less affected by the trigger than the 11 year old.

I visited the 15 year old. She didn't want to talk about the trigger just yet, but she knew I cared about her.

I also met a SI part. The part said it knew I cared, and that it trusted me. It seemed quite settled.

[Snowdrop]

Following the IFS journey, I've spent the day being able to think rationally about facing the trigger. It feels as though it might be possible. This is progress. I have more work to do, but I'm encouraged.

[Snowdrop]

The part holding shame said that it had been holding it since I was two years old. I don't have memories of this time, but there's a family story that HB uses to humiliate me. I think I would have been about two, as I've seen HB act out the story to make it extra humiliating.

What I've been told is that my parents, HB and I were on a family day trip. There was an accident where I tripped and fell into something, and I ended up in a mess. HB tells people that it happened because I was being an obnoxious brat. I caused the accident, it was my fault, I asked for it, I deserved it. Stepping back, I was just excited because we were on a day trip, and it wasn't something I could possibly have caused. Besides, I was extremely young. How could it possibly have been my fault?

My parents tell me that I was disgusting. They didn't want to go near me or be seen with me. Other people were disgusted by me, were pointing at me, laughing at me etc and it was humiliating. Apparently I was crying very loudly. Of course I was. I was extremely young and distressed. It doesn't sound as though I was comforted. I was too disgusting.

It sounds as though I was in that state for the rest of the day, as F says he had to clean the car out after we got home. I wonder why I wasn't cleaned up on the day trip. There would definitely have been facilities available, and staff who could have been asked for help.

Thinking about how we develop belief systems at a young age, I think it's likely I took on beliefs from this incident. Things like I am disgusting, I disgust people, I disgust my parents, I deserve bad things to happen to me, I need to be kept at arm's length, I'm not wanted. I probably picked up feelings of shame and abandonment amongst other things. Does this sound reasonable? It does to me.

I wonder if the part holding shame is two year's old, or if there might be a two year old exile who's still distressed and needs help. This is something I can find out.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
You asked part way down what you wrote 'Does this sound reasonable? It does to me' - I would like to concur that it sounds perfectly reasonable to me as well.  I relate to so much of what you wrote.  Well done for writing about those things, and I want to extend a hug of comfort 
I also feel compassion for that part of you that has had to carry that shame, to protect that young 2 year old you - none of it was your fault.
to you Snowdrop.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Lovely Hope, thank you. Reading your words brought tears to my eyes. Good ones. The parts feel heard and understood. Thank you so much.

[Snowdrop]

IFS journey.

I started by visiting the part holding the shame. It looked like a ball of black fog, but smaller than yesterday. It didn't try to attack me. It knew I was there to help it and listen to it. I told it that I understood more about what it had gone through, and thanked it for protecting me from all that shame.

The part shimmered its appearance into a young girl, and she showed me the events I described earlier. The pain she felt. The rejection. The humiliation and shame. I witnessed her.

[Thought: Did the part originally look like black fog because she didn't want me to see what she looked like? Was she effectively cloaked in her shame? I think she may have been.]

I asked the part if she might be willing to unburden some of the shame, and she agreed to give up 10% of it. It left her like black smoke, and we both felt relief afterwards. I gave her a padlocked chest which she could use to hold the rest, and she took the remaining burden from her body and put it in the chest.

I asked her if she'd like to go to a safe space. She agreed, so I took her to a cave with a fire burning in its entrance. She feels safe in the cave because she can leave whenever she wants, but nobody else can get in. I gave her a hug, and left her watching the flames.

I visited the 11 year old next. She told me that she couldn't cope with the other part's shame, so she'd pushed her away and exiled her. It was only now that she could begin to face it. She said she was sorry for exiling the part.

I held the 11 year old, and told her it was ok, I understood. I told her I was helping the part, she'd started releasing the burden, the rest of it was contained, and she was now in a safe space. The 11 year old was grateful.

The 13 year old was ok. She says she doesn't know much about the shamed part, but I wonder if she might be in denial about that part.

The 15 year old was ok. She vaguely knows about the shamed part, but wasn't ready to talk.

I briefly met with the SI part too. This part seems to be a firefighter protector of the shamed part. When the shamed part becomes activated, the firefighter goes into SI mode to try and distract me from the shamed parts feelings.