Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San.

Today's IFS journey had lots of unburdening.

The SI part has gone part-time. I found it on a sun lounger wearing sunglasses and sipping a drink.

The protector part that carries anger is grateful that I listen to it. It would like to get rid of some of the anger, but can't on its own. It told me the anger it carries is linked to burdens other parts carry, so it can only release the anger when other parts release their burdens.

The part that carries shame was feeling much better, and was ready to unburden more. The part that carries anger joined in so that they released burdens together. The burdens were released through fire. As the burdens burnt, pure, transformed energy went out to various other parts. It may have gone to heal parts affected by the shame and anger, but that's just a theory.

The 2 year old was awake, and pleased to see me. The 5 year old playful part turned up as well, and the three of us went to see the bear.

The bear agreed to look after the 2 year old, and they hugged. The 2 year old then showed me HB hurting her. I witnessed this, and told the 2 year old that she'd done nothing wrong and didn't deserve it. I did over the event by stepping in, and stopping him from hurting her by getting HB's parts to stand down. The 2 year old unburdened by releasing sand which was taken away by the wind. I left the 2 year old in a playground being watched over by the bear.

The 11 year old let go of some burdens through fire.

The 13 year old released burdens around a male teacher at school who had asked her to kiss him. She wouldn't, and he'd shamed her for it. I told her that the shame was his, not hers. He should never have put her in that position. It wasn't her fault. She'd done nothing wrong. She unburdened by releasing a black oily substance which was taken away by the ocean. She submerged herself in the ocean to clean herself off, and she felt healed and revitalised when she resurfaced.

The 15 year old released more burdens too, also by setting fire to them.

[Not Alone]

  The fireworks emoji came into my mind when I read about all the unburdening you did today. The shame, anger, etc. going up into the sky in brilliant colors, then dispersing.

[Snowdrop]

It was very like that, Notalone. I very nearly put the fireworks in my original post due to the similarity, so I'm delighted it came into your mind.

Today's IFS journey was much shorter.

The SI part is enjoying life in the sun lounger.

The parts carrying anger and shame are happy and calm. They practised putting burdens they're not ready to release yet into boxes.

The 2 year old ran over to me when she saw me. I hugged her and told her how well she did yesterday. She shared how confused she was growing up, as she got mixed messages from people about how she should think, act, feel and be in order to fit in and be accepted. I told her that being herself is plenty good enough. She wasn't ready to release this burden yet, so I taught her how to use a container so that she doesn't need to carry it inside her any more.

The 11 year old seems close to being healed. She asked if she'd still exist if she gave up all her burdens, so I told her that she would. She'd always be a valued part who I dearly love. This reassured her.

The 13 has been making toys in her craft room. She wants me to start doing craft projects again, so I've told her that I will.

The 15 year old is happy.

[Snowdrop]

Parts are slightly unsettled this morning. I'm having some work done on the house today, so I feel a bit tired from lugging lots of stuff out the way, and I don't enjoy having strangers in the house, particularly when I'm by myself.

Another factor is that in the process of lugging stuff about, I also decided to get rid of things that no longer serve me, and this has stirred things up a bit emotionally. There are some things that I was keeping out of guilt or some sense of duty. I'm reminded parts that if I throw something out, I'm not throwing out the person who gave it to me. There are other things that were given to me by abusers. I feel fear when I think of getting rid of some of these things. [To the part who's scared: we're not obligated to keep these things, and we won't be attacked because we're throwing something out. It won't bring them back into my orbit. It's not being ungrateful. All this is a burden that you're carrying, and you can stop carrying it whenever you want to. Just imagine how good that will feel! Everything's OK.]

I've not thrown everything out yet that I think I should. I think I'll do this when I move everything back again. I will also go on an IFS journey when the work's been done so that I can properly settle any parts that are still unsettled. I may also be able to use being unsettled as a way of doing more unburdening.

[Snowdrop]

Work on the house is now complete. All parts seem OK.

[Not Alone]

Stuff can have so many emotions attached. You are doing well at being aware of your feelings (and the Parts' feelings) and honoring those thoughts and feelings.

[sanmagic7]

 

there have been several things i'd kept that reminded me of abusers - especially pictures - and i finally decided to pack those away so i don't see them anymore.  pics that i'd cherished for a lot of my life, especially of my F and narc D - but i'm truly glad i got them out of my sight.  what went with them was the judgments, etc. that have hounded me for most all my life.  i feel freer without them now, but it was a very tough decision, like i was betraying them, to make and then to follow thru with.

good for you for honoring your parts and all their feelings, discomfort, etc. as you 'clean house' in more ways than one.  love and hugs!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks both.

I've noticed that clearing stuff out mirrors the unburdening process, if that doesn't sound too weird. Some things I can just get rid of, and this is like unburdening. But other things I can't yet, so I've been putting them out the way until I'm ready. This is like parts putting the burdens they're not ready to release yet into a separate container.

I've been quite tired over the past couple of days, probably because of all the lugging I've been doing and clearing stuff out. I've been checking in with parts, though, and making sure they're ok.

Earlier today I went on another IFS journey. It was quite short, but some parts were significant.

The SI part is still relaxing on the sun lounger.

The angry part has been feeling angry at times. She didn't want to unburden anything today, because her anger concerns burdens that other parts are carrying. I told her that I accept she has things she feels angry about, and her anger is justified. Understanding and accepting her anger makes her feel less angry.

The shamed part was feeling some anxiety. She wasn't ready to unburden this, so she put it in her container for later. This made her feel better.

The 2 year old was in the playground with the bear. She ran over to me, and told me that she now knows that the things HB told her weren't true. I agreed, and praised her. She immediately unburdened, the burdens shooting upwards out of her.

The 11 year old said she felt ready to move to a different role. She unburdened like fireworks, and I felt her enter my heart. I can feel her love of reading there.

The 13 and 15 year olds were both ok.

[Not Alone]

I've noticed that clearing stuff out mirrors the unburdening process, if that doesn't sound too weird. Some things I can just get rid of, and this is like unburdening. But other things I can't yet, so I've been putting them out the way until I'm ready. This is like parts putting the burdens they're not ready to release yet into a separate container.

Makes perfect sense to me. Clearing stuff out is an emotional, visual and kinesthetic picture of unburdening.

The 11 year old said she felt ready to move to a different role. She unburdened like fireworks, and I felt her enter my heart. I can feel her love of reading there.

Beautiful

[MoonBeam]

Snowdrop, Wow. You are amazing. I have been working on clearing too, literally cleaning my garage--boxes unopened for years. It is exhausting as there is a lot of unseen baggage that needs unpacking loaded into each box as well. I love how aptly you stated "I've noticed that clearing stuff out mirrors the unburdening process..." It really does.

I am so inspired by the way you are able to check in and listen to the parts of you, identify feelings and love and support them all so compassionately--doing the physical work and the emotional work hand in hand.

Thank you for sharing your journey.  Big 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Notalone and Moonbeam. I hope you know how much your support means to me.

I have a couple of things to write about today.

The first is that I had a work meeting with someone today, and I was emotionally honest. I was asked how I feel about the thing that's a trigger for me, and I briefly explained that it made me anxious and why, without going into details.

The person I told was wonderful. She understood, and told me that I didn't need to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't lose work over it. Everything was OK.

I felt a bit shaky during and after the conversation, but I'm glad I spoke up. She's someone who I trust, and being honest about it felt like the right thing to do. I may still decide to face the trigger, but the heat is off, and I can take things at a pace I feel comfortable with.

The second is that I have unearthed a part that says it hates me. I've not really worked with it yet, but I recognise it as a part that's acting like HB and carrying his energy. It thinks I'm very young. Possibly even a baby. It makes me realise how damaging it was for me to grow up surrounded by his hatred. It also makes me wonder how many other parts are carrying this energy, as this is the second one I've encountered.

[Not Alone]

Sounds like you handled the work situation really well.  Glad the other person heard you and reacted with kindness.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Notalone . I couldn't have wished for a better response from her. Interestingly my throat didn't tighten when I started to speak about it, which means something has definitely shifted. I also felt in control of what I said, and what I didn't say.

I've been on two IFS journeys today! I will write about both of them.

Journey 1 took place this morning when I woke up early.

I went to see the part I mentioned yesterday who said it hated me. The parts carrying anger and shame are both scared of it, but the key recipient of the hatred is a baby part. The hating part said that it hated the baby being born, she had ruined its life, it hated her, everything was her fault. I asked how much of its energy belonged to HB. It said pretty much all of it, and became really upset. I told it that it didn't need to carry this energy, it could let go of it, I was here now. It let go of the energy, and it looked like the Doctor regenerating in Doctor Who. I then asked if any other parts carrying that energy felt ready to release it. Quite a few parts did, and they released the energy in the same way.

I became aware of the baby part, and fell asleep while I was cradling her.

IFS journey 2 took place a few hours later.

The SI part seems to have wandered off. I think it may have given up its SI role, but I don't know how formal this is.

The parts carrying anger and shame unburdened some more. As before, it was like pink fireworks, and transformed energy swirled away to heal various parts.

The part that was carrying hatred had a bit more to unburden. It said that it absorbed the hatred from HB because that was it's normality. I told it I understood, and that I was here now. The part recognised my Self, and unburdened. I invited any more parts carrying that energy to unburden too, and the ones who were ready to did. If there are more parts still carrying this burden, I guess I'll find out later.

I spent a lot of time holding the baby part. She showed me when threats were made against her by HB's mother, and HB being nasty to her. Burdens left her as a black cloud, and I bathed her in healing water. An angel gave me a blanket to swaddle her in, and said that it would stay with her. I held the baby part and gave her the gift she wanted: safety. As I left, I could see her being protected by the angel in a glowing bubble of golden light.

There was another part who had pushed the baby part away as it hadn't known how to deal with her. I told the part that it was ok, I understood, and I was here now. The part relaxed, and said it was happy for me to work with the baby part.

The 13 year old was ready to unburden some more, and we did this by a healing lake. Black oil left her, and was purified by the water. She also submerged herself in the water, which helped wash more burdens away. She wanted a gift of peace, which I gave to her.

The 15 year old was ready to fully unburden, which she did using fire. She became very expansive so that I could feel her presence everywhere, and I then felt her enter my heart.

[sanmagic7]

wish i could read more, but i've got to take a break.  just want to let you know i think you're doing amazing work and i'm with you all the way.  love and hugs

[MoonBeam]

Snowdrop, the work you are doing is so amazing, your journeys with your parts and the resolution and healing, the unburdening you are able to experience is so beautiful! And, so inspiring.

Also, wanted to say a big Yay! for being able to speak for your Self in your work situation. I'm so glad to hear you were met with compassion.  I think this is a fairly common thing that happens, yet for so many of us we are so prepared, expecting from years of training perhaps, the absolute worse. 
i believe each time we have an experience like this, a positive experience related to caring for ourselves, it really contributes to literally rewiring those pathways. When we just know in our being that we are worthy of feeling safe and honored in that.  When our bodies no longer hold that sense of panic, for me related to being seen.  I look forward to that being the anticipated experience.

Thank you so much for sharing your amazing journey. You are so strong, walking with compassion for the parts of you and it seems, finding peace and healing in that.