Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, San. I appreciate you being there.

Thank you, Moonbeam. Your words meant such a lot to me, and brought tears (good ones!) to my eyes.

I had more practice with trust yesterday. While messaging my oldest friend, I told him about a few of the things that had happened at school which he didn't know about. He was compassionate towards me, outraged on my behalf, and said that I'd handled it really well.

I had a bit of an EF this morning. I felt guilt and fear, but as soon as I recognised that these emotions came from a part, I stopped feeling overwhelmed by it. I comforted the part, and told it I understood why it felt that way, but that I'd done absolutely nothing wrong. The part quickly felt better.

Apart from that, all parts have been fine. The image of the baby part in a cradle, glowing with golden light and being watched over by an angel, has been very strong. I can feel it inside me most of the time, and it feels deeply healing.

[Snowdrop]

The parts holding anger and shame unburdened a bit more today. All other parts are ok. The baby part is still glowing in a golden light.

[MoonBeam]

Snowdrop, how brave for you to share with your friend. To hear about his response was really heartening for me. I remember sharing some hard things with a friend and them being so compassionate, even crying with me, for me really, as i wasn't able to at the time. But truly just loving me in it. When others feel outrage for the injury that happened to us, and share their love for us, it really speaks to our value as human beings, worthy of compassion, care and a right to live without harm.
I totally get the EF too. Guilt and fear, for me usually in the face of being seen. I appreciate how you were able to check in and comfort that part. Really amazing work.

Apart from that, all parts have been fine. The image of the baby part in a cradle, glowing with golden light and being watched over by an angel, has been very strong. I can feel it inside me most of the time, and it feels deeply healing.

This is so beautiful! I've been thinking deeply about connection. About how trauma separates us from other people, separates us from ourselves, separates us from spirit--whatever that looks like for us, separates us into shattered pieces.  This is such a beautiful image of connection, of knowing. Thank you for sharing. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Moonbeam  . Sharing with my friend was quite scary, but I'm glad I did it because he responded so well. I tried speaking up about some traumas a few years ago to someone who I considered a close friend, but she minimised what I was saying and shut me down. Being listened to by my oldest friend, validated and treated with compassion undid a lot of that damage, and I'm so thankful.

I've been thinking deeply about connection. About how trauma separates us from other people, separates us from ourselves, separates us from spirit--whatever that looks like for us, separates us into shattered pieces.  This is such a beautiful image of connection, of knowing. Thank you for sharing. 

^^^ This makes a lot of sense. I think I went for years not knowing I'd been shattered into pieces. Not knowing what it was to be whole. I think I'm finding those pieces now, and beginning to heal them and welcome them home so that I can come back together again.

It relates to something else as well. A couple of years or so ago, I started a course on Soul Recovery, and one of the first journeys was to ask myself "Where is the rest of me?" and see what images and insights cropped up. I saw flashes of a whole bunch of traumas I'd experienced, and I had the sense that I'd lost pieces with each one. A couple of weeks ago I decided to retake the course, and this time I don't see the traumas. I see the parts. This feels like a hugely profound shift.

More IFS journeying today.

The parts holding anger and shame are continuing to unburden, as are the 2 and 13 year olds.

The baby part is still glowing in a golden light, watched over by the angel. When I hold the baby part, she giggles, and the glow encases us both. Sometimes I feel that glow emanating from my heart, and I feel so peaceful and connected when that happens.

I also found a 9 year old part on a mountain. I don't know this part very well yet, but she's beginning to share with me. Today, I witnessed how she sometimes used to hide from HB under her bed.

At one point in today's journey, I met a gatekeeper. The gatekeeper said that I could pass, but only if I released the cloak of trauma I was wearing. I said I was willing to try, and I let the cloak (which I hadn't been aware I was wearing) drop to the floor. I felt oddly vulnerable, but also as though a weight had dropped from my shoulders.

[Not Alone]

It relates to something else as well. A couple of years or so ago, I started a course on Soul Recovery, and one of the first journeys was to ask myself "Where is the rest of me?" and see what images and insights cropped up. I saw flashes of a whole bunch of traumas I'd experienced, and I had the sense that I'd lost pieces with each one. A couple of weeks ago I decided to retake the course, and this time I don't see the traumas. I see the parts. This feels like a hugely profound shift.

Significant change. 

[Snowdrop]

Notalone .

I've been feeling shocked and upset about a celebrity death that's currently big news in the UK.

=== Possible TW, as I spent time with the SI part. If you skip the rest of this post, it ends well and I'm ok. ===



Parts have felt affected by the news, and while the SI part hasn't been activated, it's been watchful out of recognition.

This morning I decided to talk to the SI part. I heard its pain, and its anger towards those who caused the traumas, and those who wouldn't listen. I properly listened to the part and witnessed it. Then I thanked it for being my companion during the hardest times, for caring, and for doing it's best to protect me. I told the part I loved it, and how much I valued it. I then hugged it and held it close.

After I'd held the part for a while, comforting it, it stood away from me and unburdened. It released the SI burden as a shower of beautiful flowers, which were carried away by the wind.

=== End TW ===

I feel quite emotional after this unburdening, but in a good way. It feels freeing.

[sanmagic7]

wow - that sounds truly emotional, snowdrop.  letting go of all that in the form of flowers speaks to my flower child self.  what a lovely image, and a wonderful way to release the stuff that doesn't serve you in a healthy way. 

i, too, am touched on occasion by celebrity passings.  certain of them have contributed greatly to my life in positive ways, even if i'd never known them.  i still remember exactly what was going on when john lennon died.  the beatles represented freedom to me after the repressive '50's.  they helped form my spirit on many levels, helped me become who i am today.

your ifs work continues to be amazing and powerful.  i admire it and you for continuing to address your parts as you have.  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San

I didn't tend to watch anything the celebrity appeared in, but her death shocked me because of the circumstances.

=== Possible TW ===

She had mental health problems, had months of negative press coverage and took her own life. That's why the SI part was watchful.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Snowdrop, I just want to say that your well deserved progress is inspiring to read. You're doing so well. It's great to read. Also, I have been touched by this particular celebritie's death, I guess for the same reasons you are, because I didn't watch her TV shows either and I still felt a deep sadness for her.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks S&B  .

I've had some more memories surface, possibly from the 13 year old part I've been working with.

When I was a child, M had a part-time job, and at one point she started being bullied at work. I've remembered that she discovered HB (who would have been in his twenties at this time) had been telling stories to people about how awful she was to him. She wasn't. She just did her best to stop HB abusing me. One of the people HB told was the son of someone at her place of work. Stories went around, she started being bullied, and this added to traumas she'd already been through. F wasn't sympathetic, and wouldn't ask HB to stop telling stories. It felt as though he was taking HB's side.

It would also be around this time that HB's friends started making anonymous abusive phone calls to M at work.

I think this had a few effects. First, I had to support M, so I was parentified. I couldn't be a child. Second, it was further evidence that F favoured HB above anyone else. Third, if an adult couldn't get out of this web, how could I, a child, ever expect to do so?

I need to spend more time with the parts today, as it sounds as though some more unburdening is on the way.

[Snowdrop]

IFS journey.

The SI part has given up its role. When I asked it about taking on a new role, it said it was going to spend some time relaxing by the pool.

The part holding anger is ok. It didn't have anything to unburden, but we talked about how it important it is for me to acknowledge feelings of anger, even if I don't act on them.

The part holding shame released more burdens.

The baby part unburdened. I also did over an incident where HB hit her. I stepped in front of him and stopped it happening.

The 2 year old was ok.

The 13 year old unburdened the things I mentioned in my previous post. After she unburdened, she started glowing with a golden light.

The 9 year old wasn't ready to unburden, so I showed her how to remove burdens from her body and put them in a container.

There were no other parts I needed to see.

[sanmagic7]

this is fascinating to witness, snowdrop.  thanks so much for sharing.  you are doing tremendous work.  layers w/in layers.  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San.

All parts are doing well after yesterday.

[Snowdrop]

Well this was an interesting one.

=== TW because some people might find it a bit disturbing, but it ends well and I'm feeling really good. ===

Yesterday I did a bit more of the soul recovery course I'm redoing. The session involved going inside and meeting my chakra guardians. My sacral chakra was a bit blocked, so I did some work to clear it.

Last night I had a vivid dream. I can't remember all of the details, but there was a child on the shore of a river or ocean that appeared to be dead, and I had to bring her back. When I woke up I knew that it was a part I had to heal, and that it was linked to my sacral chakra being blocked yesterday. The part appearing to be dead might sound a bit freaky, but I read in the IFS book that parts can sometimes seem dead until they unburden.

I went on an IFS journey this morning to find and heal the part.

I started off by going back to my sacral chakra. The chakra guardian seemed emotionally injured, so I carried it into the healing lake I sometimes use. The chakra guardian transformed into a different shape and was healed.

We then went back to the sacral chakra, and found the part that appeared to be dead by the side of the river that flows there. I honoured her, put flowers around her, washed her face in tears, and told her I loved her.

I remembered how I lost her.

=== TW SA and SI ===



I was sexually assaulted on a beach while on holiday with my ex. I froze and could do nothing. My ex was there, turned his back and pretended not to see. Other holidaymakers were there, and did nothing. Afterwards I walked into the sea to try and wash the shame away. I swam out a long way. The part that appeared to be dead kept swimming and didn't come back.

=== End TW ===

I scooped the part up, and carried her to the healing lake, along with the chakra guardian. I asked if the formerly SI, angry and shamed parts were OK with me helping her, and they said of course they were. The shamed part said that it had healed enough for it to allow me to see this part.

I witnessed the events I described above, and the part came back to life and started spluttering. I held her close and told her I loved her so much. None of it was her fault. It was the fault of the perpetrator, and the ex who had put her in that position, turned his back and even made a joke about it afterwards . I asked her if she wanted me to do over the event, and she said yes.

I went back to where it had happened. I saw the perpetrator being bundled into a police van before he could get to me. My ex was also put into the police van for enabling it, and being a narc.

The part that had appeared to be dead unburdened. It looked like a kaleidoscope of butterflies. I asked her if she wanted to go to a safe place for a while, and she agreed. I put her in a little house next to a beautiful waterfall.

I visited the other parts. They are all OK, and I had a sense of warmth coming from them that wasn't there before. I then took the chakra guardian (who'd come along for the journey) back to my sacral chakra, and came back.

This journey was really significant. After the event I described, it felt as though part of me had spiritually died. I had bad PTSD symptoms, and sank back into depression. It took months to get back into a state that felt even remotely normal. Retrieving the part that had experienced that spiritual death feels healing in a very deep way.

[Not Alone]

Profound and beautiful.  I feel angry at the perpetrator and your ex and the others who shamefully did nothing.