Snowdrop's journal

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for your care and compassion, Notalone. You're right, building up to unburdening in that way was huge for her.

IFS journey.

The key thing from this journey was that the baby part unburdened as smoke. I gave her a gift of safety.

The part that was brought back to life was still quite tired after yesterday, but she's glad I'm here.

The 2 year old and 9 year old wanted to run about outside. I've explained that I can't run about in the real world at the moment (self-isolation) but they can run about as much as they like during the journeys.

[Snowdrop]

I've been aware of another part today. It's been with me all day, over on the right, and it's like a large black scribble monster. There have been feelings of horror, despair and not being able to escape that the coronavirus stuff has activated. I think these feelings might come from another trauma, and I think the scribble monster is a protector, possibly a firefighter.

I've been acknowledging the scribble monster, and seeing it as a part who wants to protect me in some way. It cares enough to be with me during these times. Later in the week, I'll go on an IFS journey to properly meet the part.

[woodsgnome]

Whatever you find per the scribble monster's mysterious and sudden presence, I hope you are right in your assessment that it's probably not there in a spirit of harm. Sometimes even our protectors wear disguises, it seems.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Woodsgnome . I've encountered quite a few protector parts who initially look like something else, things like walls, whirlwinds or other people. When I begin to work with them, their appearance often changes into that of a young part. It's quite fascinating.

I've just gone on a brief IFS journey to meet the scribble monster. Yes, it's a part, and it told me that it's there to try and stop me seeing the exile part it's protecting me from. The feelings I described are coming from that exile part. The scribble monster isn't taking any extreme measures to shut the part away because it knows I've been successfully helping and healing other parts, but it's made its presence known because the exile part is feeling activated over all the things that are going on at the moment. I asked the scribble monster part if I could speak to the exile part and it agreed.

A part that was scared of the exile part's emotions surfaced. I explained that the exile could choose not to overwhelm me if I asked it, and this satisfied the scared part.

I then saw the exile part. I said it was ok, I'm here, it's safe, and asked her not to overwhelm me. I could still give her attention without her overwhelming me. The exile part agreed, and I felt much better.

I handed the exile part a bag which she could use to temporarily contain any burdens, and she was able to do this. I then took her to a safe space, a house made out of willow that's filled with bird song.

When the exile part is ready, I will start helping her to unburden. For now, I'm just glad that she's in a safe place.

[Three Roses]

Beautiful imagery - once again I'm inspired.

[sanmagic7]

i love your creativity with your parts, snowdrop, in how you help them take care of or get rid of whatever might be around that's bothering them.  well done

sending love and a hug filled with continuing clarity and creativity to you and all your parts.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks both.

I'm feeling better today. I was able to run for a bit this morning, and my lungs felt ok. On Wednesday, walking for just a few minutes was too much, so this is good . I'm also officially out of quarantine. This is psychologically good, but I still have no intention of going out anywhere or seeing anyone.

I went on an IFS journey.

The part holding anger has about finished unburdening, and is ready to take up a new role.

The part holding shame unburdened a bit more.

The baby part was lying in a cradle, giggling and gurgling. I held her to me, and the angel that protects her blew the part into my heart. The angel said that it was still there protecting me.

The 2 year old wanted to play.

The 9 year old unburdened a bit about not feeling as though it was safe to go outside, but also not feeling safe inside in case HB attacked her. I told her she was safe, I had her, and she unburdened.

The 13 year old was ok.

The part that was brought back to life showed me a lot of things. I witnessed them, and reassured her that she hadn't deserved them, they weren't her fault in any way. She unburdened.

The scribble monster part was greatly diminished. I asked it if I could continue to work with the part it protected, and it agreed.

The part it was protecting was ready to unburden.

=== TW SA ===

This part holds traumas relating to when I was repeatedly raped by someone who I thought was a friend.

=== End TW ===

The part showed me how alone she felt as she couldn't talk to anyone about what she was going through. I told her that I knew what she went through, I understood how difficult it was, and it wasn't her fault. I'm there now, she has me. She was able to release part of her burden.

[Not Alone]

This part holds traumas relating to when I was repeatedly raped by someone who I thought was a friend.

Please let that Part know that I hear that she was repeatedly raped by a trusted person. My heart hurts for her. If it would feel safe, I would like to give her a safe, gentle hug. 

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're feeling better and your lungs are responding well.  yay!  i'm still self-isolating - it'll probably be a month.

keep doing such wonderful work.  i talked to my t about ifs, she says she's familiar, but we're gonna wait till i can see her.

that part of you, well, how horrible.  my heart is with her and you.  no one should have to go thru that, and i hope she knows it wasn't her fault.

love and hugs,

[Snowdrop]

Notalone and San, thank you for your kind words of support.

I've not written much here recently because I've been busy. I need to make sure that my parents are ok during the current health crisis, so I've been busy organising things.

I've generally been ok. I've not had much chance to go on any full-blown IFS journeys for a few days, but I keep checking in with the parts I'm working with, and they seem fine.

Richard Schwartz gave a free webinar yesterday on IFS and the current world situation. I wasn't able to attend live, but I'm looking forward to listening to the replay.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Glad you've generally been ok, and that your parts that you're working with seem fine.  I also haven't attended Richard Schwartz's free webinar yesterday yet - I hope to listen to the replay too.   I know you've been busy organising things for your parents, and hope that went ok.
Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Hope.

I've just watched the webinar (https://youtu.be/aDyj0EWscqk) and I found it helpful.

During the webinar, I noticed two parts who were highly activated: the 9 and 13 year old parts.

The 9 year old part showed me the summer she was too scared to leave her bedroom. She was scared to be elsewhere in the house because of HB, and she was scared to be outside because of the kids next door bullying her. The only place that felt safe was a small patch of carpet where she couldn't be seen through the window.

The 9 year old let me do over the event by getting rid of the kids next door. I reassured her that the current lockdown isn't the same situation. She unburdened and asked for a gift of strength.

The 13 year old was activated because she often felt forced to take on responsibility that wasn't hers. She had to caretake and was parentified. I'm aware that I'm currently doing a lot of caretaking. I need to make sure that I take my own needs into account. Saying this has made the 13 year old feel more relaxed.

[Not Alone]

 

[Snowdrop]

 

I've been thinking some more about the IFS webinar I watched yesterday.

This morning I tried telling my parts the following: I'm with you in this, whatever "this" turns out to be. You're not alone, I'm with you.

The response from my parts has been good. I can feel them relaxing inside me, giving more space for my Self.

[sanmagic7]

very nice!  i love that they responded by being able to relax a bit.  well done!   love and hugs