Snowdrop's journal

Snowdrop · March 31, 2020, 12:02:19 PM

Thanks San.

Parts are still reacting well to me telling them that I'm with them in this, And this allows me to be more in my Self. This is good in various different ways.

Primarily, being in my Self is good for me. It makes my parts feel more reassured and relaxed, so I feel better.

Another aspect is that I think things are now getting to F, so staying in my Self is a Very Good Thing. Yesterday I felt he was at the point of lashing out and getting angry with me for no reason, but I didn't really react to it. I think that his angry parts are activated by the current situation, but me staying in my Self had two effects. First, it meant that my parts didn't really get activated in turn because they knew that my Self was handling it. Second, Self energy is like a field, so me staying in my Self helped his angry parts to calm down.

I'm so thankful that I learned about IFS when I did.

sanmagic7 · March 31, 2020, 05:00:52 PM

sounds like it's doing a lot of good for you, snowdrop. i'm really glad about that.

one other thought that came to mind is that when you're more in your Self, you can feel more of your own personal power. not power to attack, not a neg. kind of power, but a power to be able to be you, know your own truth, deal with your reality in an adult way. am i getting this right? that's just how it feels to me, and from my perspective, it's a really good thing.

keep up the good work!

love and hugs, my dear.

Snowdrop · March 31, 2020, 05:49:03 PM

Quoteone other thought that came to mind is that when you're more in your Self, you can feel more of your own personal power. not power to attack, not a neg. kind of power, but a power to be able to be you, know your own truth, deal with your reality in an adult way. am i getting this right? that's just how it feels to me, and from my perspective, it's a really good thing.

There are several qualities you can use to recognise Self: confident, connected, courageous, curious, compassionate, clear, calm, creative. I'd say that the sort of personal power you're talking about falls within these qualities too.

Thank you, San. Love and hugs back atcha!

Snowdrop · April 05, 2020, 01:24:18 PM

I want to acknowledge that things have been tough recently.

I've been getting over covid-19 symptoms, which made me feel yucky for longer than I wanted, and which made me feel really scared.

I've also been pushing down a lot of fear and worries about F. He had to go to hospital a few times last month because of suspected cancer. On top of the fear he might have it, I've been scared that my parents might pick up covid-19 at the hospital, also that F might be denied treatment because the health service is so stretched.

An extra pressure I've felt is that friend on immunosuppressants told me that he had covid-19 symptoms, but that he wasn't going to follow his doctor's advice regarding medication

.

All of these things, have added to the stress I've felt about the current situation. I've hardly been sleeping, and found it nearly impossible to work, which has been adding more stress.

I think that things are turning round. My health feels better now. F has been given the all-clear. My parents haven't developed any covid-19 symptoms. My friend seems to be feeling better, and I accept that if he decides to ignore his doctor's advice, that's on him.

I slept better last night, and it feels as though some of the weight has lifted from me. I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll find it easier to work again.

Hope67 · April 05, 2020, 01:37:35 PM

Dear Snowdrop,
You've been dealing with so many stressful things, and I wanted to send you a heartfelt hug

Glad that you are feeling a bit better, and that you slept better last night. Hope you are able to relax for the remainder of today, if that is something you want to do, and wishing you the best for tomorrow, as I know you face work again then - thinking of you.
Hope

sanmagic7 · April 05, 2020, 03:26:21 PM

so glad to hear that it seems like everyone is ok in your life, and especially happy that you're feeling better. whew!

you made it thru, and for that i give you all kinds of credit. well done, snowdrop!

love and hugs

Not Alone · April 06, 2020, 12:49:05 AM

Snowdrop,
That all sounds really stressful and scary. Glad to hear that your father does not have cancer. Also that your parents are not showing any symptoms for covid-19. It is true that it is your friend's decision about his own health. It is hard when someone we care about acts in ways or neglects care that we think would be healthiest for him.

I wish you and all your Littles peace and rest.

Snowdrop · April 06, 2020, 02:30:35 PM

Thank you Hope, San and Notalone for your words of kindness and validation. It's truly helped me to feel more at peace.

IFS journey.

The 2 year old was happy.

The 9 year old was slightly concerned that she wasn't allowed out because she was being punished for something. I reassured her that this wasn't the case.

The 13 year old asked about not being allowed out too. I explained that it wasn't just her, it was everybody, and how her independence was a huge strength.

The part that was brought back to life was ready to do a lot of unburdening. She built a pile of objects that she associated with the ex who'd turned his back on her, and set fire to them with her anger. She then kept throwing more objects and emotions into the fire because she wanted to get rid of anything to do with him. This felt healthy and freeing, and afterwards I told her how much I loved her. I find myself wondering if I have anything left in the house that I associate with him, and if I have, I'll bin it.

The part holding rape trauma showed me some events where she felt that what had happened had been her fault, that she'd "asked" for it. I told her that she hadn't. He'd been extremely manipulative, and her freeze response was natural and completely understandable. I told her I was sorry I wasn't there at the time, but that I'm with her now. The part was able to unburden a bit, and I held her close.

sanmagic7 · April 07, 2020, 04:25:34 AM

here's an extra hug for her - no, it wasn't her fault. not for a minute.

love and hugs to you and all your parts, snowdrop

Sceal · April 07, 2020, 05:32:49 AM

Hey Snowdrop,

I am glad you're feeling better after the Covid-19 symptoms and that your F is getting better too.
it's hard worrying about the people you care about, especially when you can't do anything to change a situation.

It also sounds like you've been doing alot of inner-work. Taking care of your self and working through alot of things and being kind to yourself. I sounds like alot of progress.
It's so important to keep working, even if it is hard. And it's also really important to acknowledge the things that's been difficult.

I'm cheering you on! Wish you a wonderful week.

Snowdrop · April 07, 2020, 03:52:44 PM

Thank you San and Sceal.

The news about the PM being taken into intensive care last night really hit me. I didn't vote for him and have major misgivings about his politics, but it felt like it had happened to one of my own. It didn't overwhelm me though.

IFS journey.

The 2 year old was very happy, and playing outside.

The 9 year old shared a lot of experiences about being unhappy at school. She unburdened by putting burdens in a pile in her old school, and then blowing it all up! She felt much better afterwards.

The 13 year old also unburdened some school experiences by blowing up her school. It felt very satisfying.

The part who was brought back to life showed me the moment when it was like she'd experienced soul death. She told me that she was pleased I'd found her, and glad that she was no longer dead.

The part also showed me more experiences to do with the ex who turned his back on her. More and more, I realise that her soul death hadn't just occurred because she was assaulted, but because of the ex. The part was able to unburden a bit.

=== TW rape ===

The part holding rape trauma needed me to witness more things. She showed me how the man who did it had told people they were having an affair so she wouldn't be believed and would have nobody to turn to. She also showed me his wife waiting outside her house, and his daughter turning up at the front door. She didn't feel safe anywhere, and particularly not in her home.

I told her that I understood why she didn't feel safe. What had happened was unfair. She didn't deserve it. She felt some relief at me telling her this, but she still felt it was all her fault.

I asked the part if she wanted me to do some of this over, and she agreed. I sent the people away and told them never to come back. I also told the man what I thought of him and told him to go away.

The part felt a bit better after this, and was able to unburden a bit, but she still felt really messed up. I decided to teach her about IFS, and how she had a Self and parts, and how her parts were upset and activated. She found this helpful, and was able to unblend from her parts and settle. She said that she'd work to heal her parts with my help.

Finally, I took her to a new place where she'd feel safe and where she could rest.

Snowdrop · April 08, 2020, 03:02:43 PM

Yesterday's IFS journey really helped to shift things. Things seem to fall into place for me this morning, and it feels as though I can work properly again and move on.

IFS journey.

The 2 year old was happy. She unburdened a bit more, and got rid of the feelings she had of not worth being cared for. She told me that she should have been cared for, and not shamed.

The 9 year old was happy. She didn't have anything else to unburden, and I felt her being blown into my heart.

The 13 year old was happy too. She can remember enjoying school work, and feeling motivated.

The part that was brought back to life unburdened some more, largely anger about people who had let her down and betrayed her.

Big progress with the part holding rape trauma.

I found her sitting on a picnic blanket making a daisy chain. She said that she'd been working with her parts, and told me about some of her protectors. She said that knowing more about them enabled her to be her Self, and that me being in my Self helped her to be in her Self too. I recognise that her being her Self helps me to be unblended too, so it's a virtuous circle.

I talked to the part about unburdening, and she said that her parts had been unburdening, and she could carry that unburdening forward so that she could unburden too. (I hope that makes sense! A multi-level unburdening.)

The part put her burdens in a pile, then brought forward her parts so that they could unburden too. They built quite a large pile of burdens with lots of depth. We then used a beam of sunlight to set fire to the burdens, and we watched the flames together. I held her close, and told her how precious she is.

Not Alone · April 08, 2020, 11:01:52 PM

Snowdrop · April 11, 2020, 03:27:59 PM

IFS journey.

The 2 year old was having fun playing in the sunshine. She's ok.

The 9 year old told me how peaceful she felt. I could feel her peacefulness.

The 13 year old was happy. She's been enjoying the work I've been doing over the last few days.

[Thought: I've been getting on well with my work over the past few days. I wonder how much of this is coming from the 13 year old? I don't need to know the answer, but it's an interesting thought.]

The part that was brought back to life seems settled.

The part holding rape trauma has transformed. She's been using IFS to work with her parts and heal them independently of my IFS journeys, and the difference in her is astonishing. She is in her Self, and her parts are unburdening under her supervision. She knows I love her and I'm there for her, but she doesn't need me to do anything for her right now.

Snowdrop · April 15, 2020, 07:32:14 AM

I've been checking in with parts over the past few days, and they all seem ok. The part holding rape trauma is continuing to work with her parts and heal. She knows I'm here, and supporting her.

Yesterday I did a soul recovery journey to find a story that's relevant to my current life now.

I started off in a bookshop, and when I said I was looking for the story, I was directed to the children's section on the ground floor. When I entered this area of the shop, I found myself on a ship sailing on the ocean with big white sails. It was manned by a crew of children of different ages - my parts. It was night, and the sea was a bit choppy, but the parts were working together well as a team. There was no fighting over control, no fear, and they saw it as a big adventure. Each part had a role, and everybody knew what that part's role was.

I think I need to return to the ship with the big white sails sometime. Maybe I could use it to go looking for more parts that may have got lost along the way.