Relationships with SOs

[globetrotter]

Kizzie, If you don't mind me asking, how do you get the hubster to help you? I think it would irritate me further and make me angrier if I felt someone was trying to "calm me down" ala placating me. It seems my EF's make me angry as an adult because as a child I could only react with fear because I didn't understand what was happening. As a result, I'm often irrational (as much as it pains me to admit that!) I need to talk to my S.O. about these, but I don't want it to be the "go-to" answer for every disagreement we have, because, honestly, sometimes she's just an a**. Know what I mean? 

Anyway, I got her to start reading Walker's book finally, last night, because she is carrying her own pile of goo. We'll see what comes of that. Good things, I hope. Mutual understanding.

[Kizzie]

Hey GT, I don't mind you asking at all - my chance to give my partner his due.   

He is a very steady kind of guy who made it out of his PD FOO fairly intact, I think because as I said elsewhere he joined the Cadets Canada program, made lots of friends and had great adult role models throughout his teen years. So, essentially he doesn't have as big a pile of goo to deal with.  He's also really logical and practical and motors on (which is the military trg) no matter what.  So when I'm a pile of sobbing, weeping pile of s*** on the floor, he will try to get to the bottom of things in a caring and loving way.  Then there are the times when there's no goo involved and it's just us having a conflict - sometimes it's bumpy, othertimes not as much but that's life for every couple I think.

Anyway, once my H and I had terms for all the goo it got much easier so getting your partner to read Walker's book is a great place to start.  If you look in the back (p. 321) there's a "Toolbox for Lovingly Resolving Conflict" which if both of you are bringing a pile of goo to the table looks like it would be really helpful.  You'll probably both end up saying "Oh I see, it's not you, it's the goo" a lot more 

[Annegirl]

It's really great you have a husband like that Kizzie.
I am so happy for you, mines really good most of the time and I never realised until now reading this thread that I get an EF every time he asks me to do something, and when the children ask me to do stuff too ( although I pretend to them I am fine) but I don't pretend I'm fine with dh asking me. He always told me I over react if he asks me to do something in the house and I always just react very angry if he asks me anything. Now he stopped asking be to do anything, I never ask him because I don't want to act like my mother and I do work around the house 24/7 and it causes me to get a facial tic now and then. He stopped asking me because of my reactions but recently he said he just wanted us to cook together sometimes and work together sometimes not that he's telling me to do something. It still triggers me a little when he says that because I feel forced and cornered. First time I'm realising this thank you for the thread.

[Kizzie]

I am lucky Anne and it probably isn't surprising that my H is the only person in my life that has ever been behind the wall I built to keep people out. 

It sounds like your H has been quite dominating, but lately is trying to approach you differently (e.g., work and cook together more).  Do you think he has heard you and is trying to change?   

[Annegirl]

Yes, I think so, but he has been nicer since I stopped therapy, he thinks it's for forever but it's only for a month. He preferred I stopped but I didn't end up stopping because if him but because I need to find a time when he will take the children out for an hr so I can have an uninterrupted session b/c my T said in a nice way how I can have an session without interruptions as many times I had to stop and help the children with something...

[globetrotter]

So, the T and I talked about the EFs yesterday, and since my S.O. had unknowingly helped trigger them, T asked me if I had shared this information. I said no, because I'm afraid of having it thrown back at me. She pointed out to me that this is another trigger!! I was mocked, etc., as a child, so there ya go. Fear of sharing intimate info as a point of vulnerability and ammo for others. She put the onus on me to share and explain the EFs, and that if it becomes the go-to reason for why we're arguing in the future,to just say no, it isn't, I'm not having any EFs right now...so SO and I will be having this chit chat tonight, I think.

[Kizzie]

Go GT, go!  (Insert smiley clapping hands here)

[globetrotter]

Thanks!! it's taken TWO YEARS to get to this point, fortunately finally from learning what the derned EF is!!!