I'm feeling Shame

[Hope67]

Sometimes, well - ok, quite a lot - I feel shame.  A friend of mine pointed out that what triggers one person and makes them feel shame, is usually quite different from what another person feels


I want to make sense of some of my shame

(I started to write about the things I feel ashamed of, and I can't write them - I've deleted them)

But I do feel a lot of shame.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Wish I had an answer. I feel a lot of shame too.

[Blueberry]

Me too, though I think it took me a long time to figure out that that's what it was that I was feeling!

There's quite a bit about toxic shame in Pete Walker's book. That helps me a little bit.    to you both.

[Snowdrop]

Me too, though I think it took me a long time to figure out that that's what it was that I was feeling!

I think I'm on the cusp of figuring that out, but I'm not entirely there yet. I kind of know it's there, but I can't quite look at it yet, if that makes sense.

[Three Roses]

I'm trying to get over this over developed sense of shame, too.

We did what we needed to do to survive. Some inner dialog helps me, telling that inner child (or even a grown up version of me) that "that was then, this is now". We are imperfect humans, and will remain imperfect, but at least we're on the right path.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Want to affirm what was said above. Shame is a powerful emotion and when internalised is difficult to recognise and face. Recognising it is a big first step, I think.

[woodsgnome]

Shame seems so basic to my core self that I'm helpless when dealing with it; although I've tried endless ways to counter it. I just fall apart around it, ironically feeling ashamed for trying anymore.

It burns, and it's always there -- knowing that I was unwanted at the start, to being utterly alone now. I'm mad about it, can't stand it really. The worst is knowing that, while I'm not to blame for all the ways life started out so dizzy, I shouldn't experience shame for it. Except -- shame is exactly what does stick around -- like an existential embarrassment for just having shown up in this world.

Harsh, I suppose, but it's exactly where I am. Thinking about it anymore doesn't cut it. I do the self-talk, aim to practice good self-care, have studied all the ins and outs of trauma recovery, and it just falls apart again. When it's all said and done -- shame lingers, my old reliable.

It almost feels phony not to admit to carrying shame. Unearned shame, and yet there it is; a very stuck emotion. I do have a hope -- that someday I'll see truth in knowing that what's past can really, wholly, be left in the dust.Except that seems like just another habit -- just more words, while the shame never budges, and someday never arrives.

 

[Bach]

woodsgnome, I hear and relate very deeply to what you have said here.  Shame is the real chronic pain that I suffer, and it hurts all over, non-specific but inescapable, throughout my body and my mind.  It is pretty much constant, although it varies in intensity.  I no longer hope to ever really be free of it, only to be able to develop my ability to modulate it through good self-care so I can have as many moments of relief from it as possible, and to feel and appreciate those moments as much as possible when I do have them.

[Jazzy]

Yeah, same here. You aren't alone.

I wish I had something more encouraging and practical for you. Like woodsgnome says, it is so basic to my core beliefs.  I can't even imagine not having it. I'd love to get rid of it (I think?), at least I'd love to hear if you make some progress!

Maybe you can write out the things for yourself (it's okay if you can't share them now). Maybe you can tell one person one thing? Baby steps right? Good luck, I hope you find a way forward. Take care!

[Deep Blue]

I think everyone here has said it better so I'll just say... me too Hope 

[Jdog]

Me too, Hope.  I just encountered shame this very evening.  It was related to some teasing that I did which backfired, and I got pulled back to being a child that was teased constantly and felt the pain from both sides of the situation.  It is like I was taking on the shame that should have belonged to my father as well as the shame I felt being teased since I was helpless.  And on top of it all, the shame right now of having teased my partner in a way which hurt her (although it was not my intent at all). 

Ugh.  I guess we all have this.  I am learning to sit with it a little bit.  I am learning to tell myself I am enough and I deserve good things to happen in life.  That helps a little bit. 

Take care, Hope.

[Tee]

  hope

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u for your post as this is what I came on here to post about...
Toxic shame is horrible.. Mines come up ++ so I can do a bit more healing on it. A lot of the time it's catching the thought for example today was 'I wonder if I'm one of those people that others think is weird'. Over lay thought your a sweet good person. Example 2 thought your disgusting to be around... Overlay thought 'who is saying that?' that is not kind and its not true.

For me recognising the thought is key... Or else I just feel bloomin awful and like a reject of society... And I'm anything but... I'm a survivor and a good person

[Jdog]

Boats-

I like your overlays, as they seem a great way to counter those negative inner voices.  I had a situation over the weekend in which something foolish which I did was made to seem like the worst transgression of all time, and I just kept telling myself, "You are enough.  You deserve great things in life."  Along with other tools, it really helped.

[Boatsetsailrose]

That's great j dog
Yes I am enough is a fabulous one
Good to hear u