TW, sexual abuse, severity

[SharpAndBlunt]

Trigger warning. I will attempt to describe how 'mild' sexual abuse in childhood makes me feel in adulthood.

First, I want to express my puzzlement at the term 'mild sexual abuse'. I have heard enough to know that what happened to me was definitely at the mild end of the spectrum, physically speaking. For that I am grateful.

Then, on top of that the additional abuse (shame, secrecy, emotional, physical and psychological violence) compounds it to make it 1000 times worse than the initial offence appears at first glance.

Left me in no doubt that the fault was all mine and to even consider anything else is even more shameful and contemptible.

Later invalidation from other parent in adolescence further compounded this internalisation.

Worse was the occasional and almost sneaky admission from parent 2 that this went on, the implication being that hey, stuff happens, don't worry, just become an alcoholic and it's fine. Actually was asked in multiple occasions by parent 2 "Are you an alcoholic yet?".

The result is that I find it hard to trust. I find it hard to be intimate. My expectation is that if I am vulnerable with anyone it will be torn away and derided and torn up and thrown to the wind in no uncertain terms.

I 'know' this is wrong. But, unlearning that barrier is a slow and uphill battle.

I am not sure that the term 'mild sexual abuse' is appropriate. It could be that this is never used these days, I don't know, I'm not a professional so I wouldn't know.

I know that compounding any form of abuse with further shaming, blaming, violence and worse (?), silence, is a large part of what, for me, puts the c in cptsd. A small addition, I believe the c could also stand for chronic.

[Not Alone]

Nothing "mild" about ANY form of sexual abuse. It is wrong (on the part of the abuser) and destructive.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Yes, I agree. I must continually remind myself. Thank you.

[Three Roses]

There is nothing mild about any abuse. Anything that negatively affects your development is not mild. This attitude imo seems to be a holdover from antiquated views of doctors, law enforcement, etc., from back when beating your wife and children was not illegal.

[Snowdrop]

Then, on top of that the additional abuse (shame, secrecy, emotional, physical and psychological violence) compounds it to make it 1000 times worse than the initial offence appears at first glance.

I can relate to your post, SharpAndBlunt. Your words and the responses, notalone and Three Roses, have really helped to clarify my thoughts.  Thank you.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Three Roses, thank you  This subject is still very hard for me to properly look at, so it makes sense that while I agree that nothing is mild (and I do agree, 100%), my conditioning over the years to think nothing of it it makes confronting it all the harder - so many layers of denial to peel back first.
Thank you for clarifying what I already know, but need confirming. "Negatively affect my development" - that is exactly what happened.

Snowdrop, I'm sorry you can relate to this, but I'm glad that my posting has helped you. It's so tough to battle through those layers of denial - my hat's off to you