Overwhelmed and keep getting triggered...please help.

[Just Hatched]

I've been a member here a while, and keep visiting the site with hopes of finding some help, maybe contributing and sharing my experiences, but I'm finding the whole site confusing, huge and overwhelming. I just don't know where to start or where to post.

A few times I have started reading posts in areas which seem relevant to my experiences, but I keep getting triggered because reading about other people being upset about the same things which I've been in denial about for so long, drags me into a frightening and hopeless feeling of reality about just how bad my childhood actually was.

Almost everything I read, I say to myself "yep, that happened to me".... or some similar version of it. But I've been in denial about it all, spent my life running away from my feelings because I was always told I was being silly or selfish or ... I can't even remember half the time because I'm triggered and my memory goes blank. But basically I was shamed out of expressing feelings, even the good ones. Neither of my parents could handle emotion, in themselves or anyone else and they used the easiest and fastest method of shutting down any emotion in me for their own comfort. So I learned that emotion was bad and I was bad and that there was something wrong with me for feeling stuff and for not being able to do life as well as it appeared other people were able to..... and it was all my fault.

I've just started learning how to have love and compassion for myself. I was taught that my needs aren't important and that my value lies in being of use to others, so I'm fighting my urges to ignore my own needs here, trying to figure out how to reach out for help, not wanting to hurt anyone else in the process. I'm not sure how it works, how the wounded are able to help the wounded, as we all need our love and compassion for ourselves.  I don't have much to give to anyone else right now, its taking all my focus and strength, remembering to love myself, to be kind to myself, to heal myself first, before I take care of anyone else.

This site has been recommended multiple times as the place for support for healing from CPTSD and I do want to get better. I'm willing to do the work, as long as I can take baby steps, but I don't know where to start really, or where to post things.

I've been reading Pete Walkers books and have just started with the 'Focusing Method' for connecting with feelings. I've had a few significant spiritual shifts over the years, which have changed my perceptions and views about things. Externally, my life is great now. For the first time in my life I have a safe, stable home, no financial problems and I'm not being abused by anyone. But inside, I'm a mess, the patterns from my childhood are still playing out through my mind and nervous system, but at least now I can see them and understand where they started.

Is getting triggered, feeling overwhelmed, anxious and hopeless part of the recovery process? I'm not sure what I should be reading here on the site, or if I should stop if I become triggered.

I was just reading about people who had their toys given away and then about someone who's dog was given away. My dog was given away when I was 5 and I was lied to about the reason, made to feel ashamed because I was sad about it. He had been my best friend, then suddenly he was gone and I never saw him again. Most of my toys were given away when I was 9 because we were moving to another country, there was no kindness, compassion or understanding about it. I just had to choose 2 toys to keep and the rest were thrown away I think, don't know what happened to them. I remember being shocked, in disbelief and devastated. The awful thing about it was that my parents kept lots of their stuff and brought it with them, they spent thousands shipping a car, and things which were important to them across the world, but I couldn't bring my toys with me. There was no emotional support for me about that whole move across the world, into a different culture and environment. I was basically left to my own devices, ignored and had to figure it out alone. I never did regain a feeling of anywhere being home after that, never knew where I belonged.

Having my stuff disposed of by them happened to me a second time when I was an adult, when I was sick and unable to deal with it myself. My teenage daughter and I had lost our home after a divorce and were storing some of our possessions in an unused part of my parents house while we were staying with a friend,  until I found somewhere else for us to live. But before I had a chance to deal with our things, I became very sick.  While I was recovering from my illness my father decided he wanted his room back, said he wanted the space to have parties in, which was ridiculous, but I was so sick at the time I wasn't able to deal with it and had to watch helplessly as he slowly went through all my stuff and sold it. My daughter was able to rescue what she wanted to keep, but I was unable to.  I could tell he was having a great time with it all, he loves selling stuff, anything to make money.

The truth is, he didn't want to use that space in his house, its still empty with nothing going on, but dirt and dust, but its his house and if he didn't want my things taking up his space, what could I do. I think the real reason he wanted to get rid of my things is because he was bored and wanted a project and I was sick and vulnerable at the time so he took advantage of the situation. He did give me the money he got for selling my things though, so that's something, but I didn't need money, I needed my health back and some consideration and compassion.

Anyway, I've written a bit about myself and my past, there's so much more though, I've been through a lot of trauma in my life, with no emotional support and no compassion, from anyone, including myself.  I had the idea that anything bad which happened to me was my own fault, that I deserved it, because that's what I was told as a child. I remember going to my parents whenever I was upset, because someone had hurt me or I'd had an accident or something. My father especially would always find a way to blame me for what had happened, saying that I had done something wrong or that I had misunderstood the other person or responded to them inappropriately. I don't ever remember being comforted by either of them when I was upset. When I was about 12 I was sexually abused by a man in a local store, I ran home, very confused and upset and told my mother, she asked me what I wanted her to do about it, told me not to tell my father because he would be angry. I remember that it left me feeling even more confused and ashamed, like as if I had done something wrong. Nothing happened about the man who had abused me, I guess he went on to do the same to other kids.

I remember being hit a few times, but most of the harm was caused by the constant emotional abuse and neglect which began at birth I assume. My parents should never had brought children into the world, neither of them were cut out for being parents, having been abused in their own childhoods and both of them believing they were fine, while unconsciously passing all their dysfunction onto me and my sister.

My life has been about struggling and surviving, while being unaware of why I found life so difficult compared with other people. I put other peoples needs, desires and comfort before my own, believing I was worthless and didn't deserve love or happiness or anything good for myself. When my daughter came along, I lived for her, wanting her to have a better life than I did. Unfortunately, I had unconsciously chosen a man very similar to my own father, to marry, to be the father of my child. It wasn't until my daughter was about 6 that I started learning about narcissism and the real reason behind all the dysfunction in my family. I was able to protect her from a lot of the harm I had received, during my childhood, but I wasn't able to fix myself. 

It took about 7 years, to recover from my illness, half of that time I was bed-bound most of the day, unable to do much of anything but survive. I had agoraphobia from being sensitized to light, sound and movement, so I became very isolated, only able to go out once a week to buy a few groceries.  My daughter grew up, graduated from college, started work, bought her own house and moved out. She's doing fine, has a nice relationship and a great career, she seems normal and happy. I'm grateful I was able to protect her from the legacy of my abusive past, but now I'm left here with just myself, my inner child and my dog, ready to deal with the truth, my feelings and heal, so I can hopefully one day have a healthy relationship with myself and someone else and maybe even enjoy what remains of my life.

[Tee]

Hello Just hatched
There is so much here on the site and in what you just posted.  I'd like to send you a comforting hug if that's ok

I have found that going through and reading at my own pace some of the topics that as you said I find common ground I'll post a hug and share a snippet of my story if I'm able. So the person who poured thier heart out doesn't feel so alone. 

I have found in the short time I've been on this site that posting and reading posts helps me feel not so isolated and alone.  Again like you said as you read through you were like me too.  I think in general our abusers and that's a universal our made everything our fault to isolate and keep us ashamed and quite.  It wasn't fair to us as children and I think that's one of the greatest things about being here. 

I too got really overwhelmed with where to start and what to read when I first got here.  So now I pretty much just click on Recent Unread Topics that's under my name to start with and see if there's anything looks interesting. Or Updated Topics.

That way I know that I'm looking at current discussions and that people will likely respond if I comment. That's just what I do but thought maybe it would be a helpful starting point but for sure go at your own pace and and read and post as you feel comfortable.  I have only felt comfort and support from the people here though it's a safe place.  Welcome!

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear Just Hatched,

Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have done a lot of work already and that you are very aware on some levels why you are here and what you need, which is great.

I relate a lot to how you feel about not knowing what to do, exactly, now that you are here. Especially with feeling triggered through other peoples' posts.

I manage that by doing more or less the same as Tee and keeping mostly to active topics.

When I feel bad I don't respond to posts unless I am as sure as I can be that I am coming from a positive place, by that I mean that I am contributing from a place of strength and not as a means to avoid looking at my own pain.

It does mean that there are a lot of posts I read that I don't respond to that I might like to but can't at that time. I think that is fine and healthy.

If I do find myself reading something and being triggered and spinning out I will break and stop for the time being. The topics are always here and not going away, so that is a help. Old threads can also be read at leisure which and knowing they are old helps me with my urge to want to respond.

I also found the site huge at first and actually I still do. There's some great sections with links, resources etc so maybe take a leisurely look at those 3

Myself and many others here have a lot of good things to say about the Pete Walker book you mention. If I remember correctly there is a post somewhere from him in the guest blog section. That might be worth tracking down?

Welcome again, thanks for posting. 

SaB

[Snowdrop]

Hi, Just Hatched, and welcome! 

There are so many things in your post that I can relate to. None of it was your fault, and you shouldn't have had to go through it. I know that it can feel quite isolating, but please know that you're not alone, and there are lots of lovely, kind people here who will give you support and validation. Remember that what you are going through is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, and take things at a pace that feels comfortable.

Sending you a  if that feels OK.

[Three Roses]

Hello! Good to see your post today.

I've been in denial about it all, spent my life running away from my feelings because I was always told I was being silly or selfish or ...

This was me, too. It always seems to catch up tho.

I'm fighting my urges to ignore my own needs here, trying to figure out how to reach out for help, not wanting to hurt anyone else in the process... I'm not sure how it works, how the wounded are able to help the wounded, as we all need our love and compassion for ourselves.

Sometimes reaching out to others in pain is exactly what I need to do. Other times, self-care is the first thing I need. In reaching out, you get the benefit of others' insights and experiences, to help you find your own path and what works for you. If you're worried about hurting someone, just put a trigger warning at the beginning of your post... "TW violence, abuse" etc. Many of us have an online journal here that we use to share and get things off of our chests. Here's a link to that section - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0

For the first time in my life I have a safe, stable home, no financial problems and I'm not being abused by anyone. But inside, I'm a mess, the patterns from my childhood are still playing out through my mind and nervous system, but at least now I can see them and understand where they started.

When my life calmed down and the abuse subsided, the memories of my past started rising to the surface. I think I just wasn't able to look at it all until then.

Please keep posting, we would feel honored to support you however we can! I was glad to see your post today. Best wishes to you. 

[Snowdrop]

When my life calmed down and the abuse subsided, the memories of my past started rising to the surface. I think I just wasn't able to look at it all until then.

This is exactly what happened with me as well.

[Not Alone]

I felt overwhelmed and lost when I first joined OOTS, also. Tee's suggestion is a good one, to go to recent unread topics. If I am reading something and start getting triggered, I usually stop reading. Today for example, someone had given a trigger warning. I started reading, but realized that today it was too much for me, so I stopped reading. I can always go back to it another day. I'm not helping that person at all to read his/her post and be triggered.

Externally, my life is great now. For the first time in my life I have a safe, stable home, no financial problems and I'm not being abused by anyone. But inside, I'm a mess, the patterns from my childhood are still playing out through my mind and nervous system, but at least now I can see them and understand where they started.

I'm in that place too. Outwardly, things look fairly good. Inside is a train wreck.

Glad you posted. Being on this site can be confusing at first, but now it feels like going to a safe place for me.

[Just Hatched]

Thank you so much everyone for your warm replies, understanding and helpful suggestions. It feels good to be here and today doesn't seem so daunting. I will start a journal so that I can share my story in bits and pieces at my own pace, that sounds like it might work.

I don't know how to quote from posts yet, so I apologize for not responding individually.

[Jazzy]

Hi Just Hatched, welcome!

Sounds like you've been through a lot. Sorry to hear you've been treated so badly. Its great though, that you're outward life is doing better, and you're working on recovering!

People on this site have helped me a lot, I hope you have a similar experience. Even though I felt bad for doing it, I have "gone away" for periods of time, when reading posts just triggered me and made me feel worse. We all just read what we can handle, I guess. Its okay if that's not much, or even nothing, at times.

You asked a question that seemed pretty important to me:

Is getting triggered, feeling overwhelmed, anxious and hopeless part of the recovery process?

In my experience, yes, it is. Recovery is no walk in the park, but we keep at it for the better days ahead. Something I say a lot, is that its okay to feel whatever you're feeling. I think its really important for us to accept ourselves, wherever we're at. After we get that done, then we can work on some positive changes.

Some of the others have given good advice on where to start on this site. I would just like to add that its okay if you don't know where something should go. Just do your best, and if there is a better spot, one of the great moderators will move it for you! I'm thankful for their organization skills, they're much better than mine.  Please don't feel discouraged from posting because it might be the wrong spot. It's okay!

Take care

[holidayay]

I've been a member here a while, and keep visiting the site with hopes of finding some help, maybe contributing and sharing my experiences, but I'm finding the whole site confusing, huge and overwhelming. I just don't know where to start or where to post.

A few times I have started reading posts in areas which seem relevant to my experiences, but I keep getting triggered because reading about other people being upset about the same things which I've been in denial about for so long, drags me into a frightening and hopeless feeling of reality about just how bad my childhood actually was.

Almost everything I read, I say to myself "yep, that happened to me".... or some similar version of it. But I've been in denial about it all, spent my life running away from my feelings because I was always told I was being silly or selfish or ... I can't even remember half the time because I'm triggered and my memory goes blank. But basically I was shamed out of expressing feelings, even the good ones. Neither of my parents could handle emotion, in themselves or anyone else and they used the easiest and fastest method of shutting down any emotion in me for their own comfort. So I learned that emotion was bad and I was bad and that there was something wrong with me for feeling stuff and for not being able to do life as well as it appeared other people were able to..... and it was all my fault.

I've just started learning how to have love and compassion for myself. I was taught that my needs aren't important and that my value lies in being of use to others, so I'm fighting my urges to ignore my own needs here, trying to figure out how to reach out for help, not wanting to hurt anyone else in the process. I'm not sure how it works, how the wounded are able to help the wounded, as we all need our love and compassion for ourselves.  I don't have much to give to anyone else right now, its taking all my focus and strength, remembering to love myself, to be kind to myself, to heal myself first, before I take care of anyone else.

This site has been recommended multiple times as the place for support for healing from CPTSD and I do want to get better. I'm willing to do the work, as long as I can take baby steps, but I don't know where to start really, or where to post things.

I've been reading Pete Walkers books and have just started with the 'Focusing Method' for connecting with feelings. I've had a few significant spiritual shifts over the years, which have changed my perceptions and views about things. Externally, my life is great now. For the first time in my life I have a safe, stable home, no financial problems and I'm not being abused by anyone. But inside, I'm a mess, the patterns from my childhood are still playing out through my mind and nervous system, but at least now I can see them and understand where they started.

Is getting triggered, feeling overwhelmed, anxious and hopeless part of the recovery process? I'm not sure what I should be reading here on the site, or if I should stop if I become triggered.

I was just reading about people who had their toys given away and then about someone who's dog was given away. My dog was given away when I was 5 and I was lied to about the reason, made to feel ashamed because I was sad about it. He had been my best friend, then suddenly he was gone and I never saw him again. Most of my toys were given away when I was 9 because we were moving to another country, there was no kindness, compassion or understanding about it. I just had to choose 2 toys to keep and the rest were thrown away I think, don't know what happened to them. I remember being shocked, in disbelief and devastated. The awful thing about it was that my parents kept lots of their stuff and brought it with them, they spent thousands shipping a car, and things which were important to them across the world, but I couldn't bring my toys with me. There was no emotional support for me about that whole move across the world, into a different culture and environment. I was basically left to my own devices, ignored and had to figure it out alone. I never did regain a feeling of anywhere being home after that, never knew where I belonged.

Having my stuff disposed of by them happened to me a second time when I was an adult, when I was sick and unable to deal with it myself. My teenage daughter and I had lost our home after a divorce and were storing some of our possessions in an unused part of my parents house while we were staying with a friend,  until I found somewhere else for us to live. But before I had a chance to deal with our things, I became very sick.  While I was recovering from my illness my father decided he wanted his room back, said he wanted the space to have parties in, which was ridiculous, but I was so sick at the time I wasn't able to deal with it and had to watch helplessly as he slowly went through all my stuff and sold it. My daughter was able to rescue what she wanted to keep, but I was unable to.  I could tell he was having a great time with it all, he loves selling stuff, anything to make money.

The truth is, he didn't want to use that space in his house, its still empty with nothing going on, but dirt and dust, but its his house and if he didn't want my things taking up his space, what could I do. I think the real reason he wanted to get rid of my things is because he was bored and wanted a project and I was sick and vulnerable at the time so he took advantage of the situation. He did give me the money he got for selling my things though, so that's something, but I didn't need money, I needed my health back and some consideration and compassion.

Anyway, I've written a bit about myself and my past, there's so much more though, I've been through a lot of trauma in my life, with no emotional support and no compassion, from anyone, including myself.  I had the idea that anything bad which happened to me was my own fault, that I deserved it, because that's what I was told as a child. I remember going to my parents whenever I was upset, because someone had hurt me or I'd had an accident or something. My father especially would always find a way to blame me for what had happened, saying that I had done something wrong or that I had misunderstood the other person or responded to them inappropriately. I don't ever remember being comforted by either of them when I was upset. When I was about 12 I was sexually abused by a man in a local store, I ran home, very confused and upset and told my mother, she asked me what I wanted her to do about it, told me not to tell my father because he would be angry. I remember that it left me feeling even more confused and ashamed, like as if I had done something wrong. Nothing happened about the man who had abused me, I guess he went on to do the same to other kids.

I remember being hit a few times, but most of the harm was caused by the constant emotional abuse and neglect which began at birth I assume. My parents should never had brought children into the world, neither of them were cut out for being parents, having been abused in their own childhoods and both of them believing they were fine, while unconsciously passing all their dysfunction onto me and my sister.

My life has been about struggling and surviving, while being unaware of why I found life so difficult compared with other people. I put other peoples needs, desires and comfort before my own, believing I was worthless and didn't deserve love or happiness or anything good for myself. When my daughter came along, I lived for her, wanting her to have a better life than I did. Unfortunately, I had unconsciously chosen a man very similar to my own father, to marry, to be the father of my child. It wasn't until my daughter was about 6 that I started learning about narcissism and the real reason behind all the dysfunction in my family. I was able to protect her from a lot of the harm I had received, during my childhood, but I wasn't able to fix myself. 

It took about 7 years, to recover from my illness, half of that time I was bed-bound most of the day, unable to do much of anything but survive. I had agoraphobia from being sensitized to light, sound and movement, so I became very isolated, only able to go out once a week to buy a few groceries.  My daughter grew up, graduated from college, started work, bought her own house and moved out. She's doing fine, has a nice relationship and a great career, she seems normal and happy. I'm grateful I was able to protect her from the legacy of my abusive past, but now I'm left here with just myself, my inner child and my dog, ready to deal with the truth, my feelings and heal, so I can hopefully one day have a healthy relationship with myself and someone else and maybe even enjoy what remains of my life.

Hi justhatched!
I can totally understand why you feel so overwhelmed right now. I have been feeling too empty and triggered to really respond to other people's boards or be able to offer support recently but reading your post, I felt a pull to reply.

Please know it is so okay to feel the way you do right now. And there's no need to rush to figure it all out, or figure anything out for that matter, in an urgent matter. I get the impression for you, you need time to process things that were never allowed to be processed because of your parents' limited emotional capacity which had them act in abusive ways that aimed to repress you. This bothers me a lot - no-one has the right to tell anyone else what feelings may or may not be valid. Feelings are valid by virtue of their own existence.
Please go gently on yourself and give your inner child as much time as she needs. Its about YOU now, you deserved to have had it about you all along but now, it can be a reality.
Please know all the scary feelings - panic, anxiety, overwhelmed - are all perfectly normal given the trajectory of your life. Don't be alarmed by them. Its just your body signalling to you in a way to protect you but this signalling is now a malfunction as you are no longer in the set of conditions that necessitated that particular signalling set-up if that makes sense...

[harmony]

Taking your possessions and attachments (dog) away from you was so not okay, and such a betrayal. I'm sorry that and everything else happened to you.

I am so impressed to read how you managed to break the cycle with your daughter so that, even with an NPD father, she is safe and doing well. Something like that is just so huge. And I am impressed that you are ready to face all this stuff now - at any pace that is right for you.