What kind of sexual abuse is this? trigger warning

[holidayay]

***Trigger warning for incest sexual abuse***




I don't quite know what to make of what happened to me between the ages of roughly 5-7.
My elder sister (7 years older than me) and brother (9 years older) both used to single me out, take me on my own with them (separately) and undress me. My sister would simulate stuff on me and my brother would do things to me. They'd give me presents like a watch or gum to intice me to go with them. One time it hurt and I went to show my mum and she told me to say I had fallen over. She didn't ask how it happened or what had even happened.

The thought of all this now makes me so angry, humiliated and ashamed. I am really really sickened and disgusted by this. Many years later I confronted my mum and she (personality disordered) told me it happened because I am a girl and girls in this country are 'sluts'. I became furious and yelled at her before stomping out. She followed me and cried crocodile tears and told me that if she was so evil, i should report her to the police to get my justice. I felt bad for her and then got angry and told her, look how somehow you always make it about YOU.
Anyway, a nurse found out when I was in my 20's. Reported it anyway. The police interviewed me but my whole family turned my back on me and i felt too ashamed to tell anyone else. I couldn't face it all and told the police i wasn't ready to deal with it.
Another sister blamed the effect it had on me many years later as my fault, because i had a mind that 'doesn't forget' and i am trying to 'break up a family'.

I can't get over it. I feel like I've never ever had justice. I've always felt too scared and guilty everytime I take steps to address it: my family (mum and siblings) get angry and hysterical and somehow blame me. my mum once said my brother would likely kill himself if i continued with the police.

What do I do? I dont even know if this is sexual abuse. They were children/teenagers themselves...is it child's play? rape? what?? do i have a right to feel as traumatised by it? I feel repulsive, angry, humiliated and violated.It won't stop going round and round and round in my head.
And my family's reactions (who i have since cut out completely) angers me and traumatises me everytime i remember it.

What should i do? the police told me i can ring and quote a reference number to re-start the proceedings whenever i want. I really want to. My inner being is crying out for justice and to be ....i don't know - recognised as having RIGHTS.
Does this make sense/
please can anyone help me? I feel so alone and hurt in all of this.

[holidayay]

I can't stop thinking about this quote:

"In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand fold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers, we are not simply protecting their trivial old age, we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations." - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

It makes me so angry to think that all my family's acts in silencing me and wanting me to be silenced is to simply protect each other's 'trivial old age'. If me keeping silent had some kind of true, purposeful meaning - that would be entirely different.

[Snowdrop]

My heart goes out to you, holidayay. It was sexual abuse, and you have every right to feel traumatised by it. The events you describe are awful, and I'm so sorry that you went through it, and didn't get the protection that you needed.

=== TW ===


I will share my experience in case it helps you feel less alone. My half-brother is quite a bit older than me, and I can remember stuff happening when I was around 7-8, also earlier. I felt traumatised, frightened and humiliated.

There were two things that made it sink in that it was sexual abuse, as before then I was in denial. First, I found a website that listed different types of abuse, and gave examples for each type. I found some of my HB's behaviour towards me listed under sexual abuse. Second, I realised that if I saw a teenager doing that to an 8 year old, I wouldn't hesitate to call it sexual abuse.

A  if that helps.

[Tee]

Holidayay I agree with snowdrop it was definitely sexual abuse. Only you can make the decision to pursue action against your family though. You have every right to be seen and heard and seek Justice but it's your choice.

TW
When I told my brother older brother about rapist.  He sent me the statue of limitations for rape. Which there isn't any in the state that it happened.  And he then kind of shamed me by quoting statistics about the number of cross that get away with it because the victims never report it.

His intention was ment to be supportive however my abuser for that part is not in my family or my life or will I ever have to see him again unless I press charges from 20 years ago so no thank you.

So again if you feel you want to our need to report you should.  I and I'm sure everyone here would be here to support you.  If you choose not to.  Still here for you Holidayay. Understanding and supportive hug.

[Three Roses]

I was sexually abused by an older sibling. It started, as near as I can remember, when he was about 13 and I was around 9. At 13, I feel he should have known better, but because I was 9 and his little sister I'm letting myself off the hook for any blame. He just should have known better.

Sometimes if you take your situation and look at it as an outsider, it clears up confusion. Take younger you out of the equation and ask yourself, if you as an adult now saw something like what you've described going on within a sibling group, would you call it abusive?

[holidayay]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm sorry to hear it has happened to others in here too.

My mind is really heavy and clouded and my spirit feels too dampened and traumatised to be able to say much right now or reply to everyone individually. Please know I'm appreciative of responses even if I don't respond directly to each post.

I've got an appointment tomorrow for an advocate's group for survivors of sexual abuse. I've spoken to them twice on the phone and both times cried bucketloads of tears. Not sure how I feel about tomorrow other than I absolutely have to do this. Because the only thing that damaged me more than the abuse was hearing the victim-blaming. The guilting me into ignoring and invalidating my own pain and right to be protected in favour of protecting the abusers for fear they will 'take their own life if you do this' or 'break up a family if you go ahead with this'.
This is not the basis for how we should be as a society, I feel. Shaming children into accepting abuse to protect the feelings and needs of the abusers. This makes me feel so angry and hopeless at the same time.

[Tee]

  standing with you Holidayay. Tell your truth! We are here to support you! And so are they!

[holidayay]

standing with you Holidayay. Tell your truth! We are here to support you! And so are they!

Thank you Tee  I'll pop back here afterwards and post an update.

[Anjulie]

Not sure how I feel about tomorrow other than I absolutely have to do this. Because the only thing that damaged me more than the abuse was hearing the victim-blaming.

Hello holidayay,
I feel there is so much power in this statement. Thank you for sharing! I am angry with you.

[holidayay]

Not sure how I feel about tomorrow other than I absolutely have to do this. Because the only thing that damaged me more than the abuse was hearing the victim-blaming.

Hello holidayay,
I feel there is so much power in this statement. Thank you for sharing! I am angry with you.

Hi,
thank you!

So I went to my appointment today. I was there for nearly 2 hours, I think. It passed pretty quickly. 2 ladies were there, and said that this was my time, to be heard and to say everything exactly as I want to, in as much detail as i want to, and that they want me to know this place is where I go to drop off all of this big, heavy, dark stuff with them, so as to start a afresh.
It was incredibly therapeutic. I said out loud all the details that previously used to make me feel ashamed, dirty, disgusting and humiliated. I didn't leave anything out.
They were absolutely wonderful. They said they could offer my a support worker who is on hand to provide me with emotional and practical support to help me.
I left feeling really free and so exhausted - but good exhausted. I came home and slept a good long 2 hours and my dreams this time were of being DEFENDED, which is a big change from the usual disturbing dreams I have been having of late. I dreamt the doctor in charge of my last placement of medical school jumped to my aid against a bullying male colleague. No idea where this came from but the theme of being defended felt wonderful. 

Sooo yeah.
Also, I've been keeping up with the work in a book I found on thriving after narcissism and I'm finding this to be really helpful too - it provides relief quite quickly, even in my darkest moments. It taught me to feel my feelings and notice them and boy, was it hard at first but I'm really learning how to be okay with them and to be there in the moment to feel them when they pop up instead of quickly try to find a distraction/start berating myself.

Things seem a little brighter today 

[Anjulie]

Wow, that sounds like a wonderful experience! And that it immediately showed in your dreams - I'm so happy for you.
Great that you had the courage to do it 

That book you're working with at the moment, I would be interested in the title, because that bit of feeling your feelings... it rings a bell with me.

[Tee]

  that's awesome Holidayay I'm glad your work is paying off. Keep it up?

[holidayay]

Wow, that sounds like a wonderful experience! And that it immediately showed in your dreams - I'm so happy for you.
Great that you had the courage to do it 

That book you're working with at the moment, I would be interested in the title, because that bit of feeling your feelings... it rings a bell with me.

Thanks

The book is by Melanie Tonia Evans, its called 'you can thrive after narcissistic abuse'. I was really skeptical at first before buying it, I'd read lots of good reviews - almost too good to be true - but was desperate and thought it was worth a shot. Can say that so far, its working as good we the reviews said 

[holidayay]

that's awesome Holidayay I'm glad your work is paying off. Keep it up?

Thanks Tee, I intend to 

I've finally been able to tap into my needs and am committing me to me now. No more trying to rescue and save others in hopes of finally getting love and feeling safe. It comes from me now 

[Anjulie]

Thank you for the name of the book, I'll try the book, I think.