Doing well, not doing so well

Started by prose, August 08, 2019, 04:22:12 PM

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prose

I'm doing great with some areas of my recovery...I'm getting great nutrition, support from a team of practitioners, I'm getting exercise, making contact with you all, my apartment is clean, my garden is watered and weed free, I'm reading to support my recovery and doing interesting and fun things...a checklist I am very grateful for. I have built this with gentle steps over a long period of time.

At the same time, I'm heartbroken, isolated and in pain about my burden of loneliness. I feel kind of trapped or hemmed in. I want to hide while also feeling an immense pressure to connect.
Some of my most recent attempts have backfired because of my awkwardness and anger. After all these years of processing my anger (since the early 70's) I can still be surprised when it surfaces inappropriately. I have a daily practice of siphoning it off. I think it helps me keep clear of toxic waste.

I've had some SI flaring up in little bursts lately. I notice them and like potholes in the road, I navigate around them. It just tells me the level of distress I imagine myself in.

Prose


Scout

I identify with this. A lot.

A lot of times, I feel like I am simultaneously in awesome balance and totally flailing. I feel like a circus performer doing amazing things before a crowd on a high rope, all glitter and guts, but inside I'm living some kind of distorted nightmare that no one sees. And eventually the nightmare bleeds through, and I go completely dark.

I really, honestly thought I was okay--for real okay--until about two weeks ago when I started sobbing while playing a video game about a bunny whose mom dies. And then it was like it was all back, after all my hard work, and I was at ground zero again.

I know there are answers to this, and that we are capable of healing. We will get there.

One thing I've been trying the last two days that actually works for me is what I'm calling Stillness. It's basically meditation, but I find that word intimidating, so I keep striving, all the time, continually, for inner Stillness. And that helps me see when things are going out of control a lot sooner, and then I can work on that Stillness again. If you think about it, Stillness is the opposite of fight or flight, and that's what we never learned. What our bodies never learned.

So I guess to say... You are not alone in your alone-ness. I feel this way all the time, like an alien. But I think connection is possible, and connection to ourselves is possible. We weren't taught it, but we can learn it.

Hang on, and feel your feelings, and cut yourself lots of slack.

Sending you awkward CPTSD leaning-over from three feet apart gentle shoulder slap hugs,
Scout

Tee

 :hug: it sounds like your doing lots of things well.  I wish I was doing that well. :hug:

prose

I find comfort in reading the responses to my message topic.
This helps take some of the pressure off.
Thank you
Prose

Scout

I write this because I just started it today, but the app seems helpful (for me). Mindfulness Coach, it's free. It seriously lowers the bar on stillness, has a lot of good (but succinct and not overwhelming) info and instructions and tips, and specifically helps me because there is a lot of stuff about the struggles of mindfulness and PTSD. It's made by the US Department of Veterans Affairs, but so far seems to be written by intelligent, compassionate people who get where we are.

It's like meditation, but lite-lite-lite, very bite-size, and much more understandable and manageable for me.

Don't despair. You can do life. You can.

Not Alone

Prose,

You are doing fantastic in many areas of you life. Glad you are able to acknowledge and give yourself credit for that.

I can hear the intense pain of loneliness you are feeling. So much hurt.
Quote from: Scout on August 08, 2019, 04:53:44 PM
I feel like a circus performer doing amazing things before a crowd on a high rope, all glitter and guts, but inside I'm living some kind of distorted nightmare that no one sees.
Scout, that is an excellent description. I feel like that too. Today I was talking to a service repair person at my house. Some of the talk was related to why he was there, but some was just talking and laughing. I almost had an out-of-body experience; looking at me laughing and thinking, "Who is this person?"

Jazzy

Wow, this is some powerful stuff. Sounds like you've got a lot of the "official to do" boxes checked prose. That is good, it takes a lot to do all that stuff, it takes so much more when you feel broken inside.

Have patience with yourself, healing can take a long time. Keep up the good work, and maybe try to find some other new/different things that might have a bigger personal impact on you. Take care! :)