E's Emotions and Experiences

[Not Alone]

I am terrified to do this journal, but I think it might be good support for me. We will see if I am brave enough to post.

In case you didn't see my other post, I am 7 years old. Notalone is our big person. There is a whole lot about me to tell, but I will tell little bits at a time, as much as it isn't too scary.

I will start with this problem. My T has been on vacation. I will see him Monday. I am looking forward to seeing him and that is the problem. I'm supposed to take care of all the kids inside (although Notalone says that she is big now and she can do it). That is all really complex and a story for another time. So I don't want to want to talk to him. I don't want to trust him. A long time ago, we had a T who we trusted COMPLETELY. All that is really complex too. I have huge hurt about things that happened. I don't know if I will ever talk about that in session. Notalone has talked about it some. Big pain. Why do I keep wanting people to know me and hear me and care about me?

I have colored with my T and played a game with him (I won). I have told him some things. Last time, I told him a big thing. I told him that it was okay if he hated me. He said he didn't have any negative feelings toward me.

It makes me scared and mad and mixed up that I want to be with him and talk to him.

I am really confused. 

[Tee]

sweet E it's scary to trust people especially after you've been hurt so bad.  It's also completely normal to want to tell someone you trust your story.  Notalone trust your T and therefore so do you at least at some level. 

Maybe you can work on letting notalone being able to help you take care of the kids inside, so that you don't have to do it all anymore.  Notalone is so very caring helpful she has been such a good friend to me.

I've had different parts that I had to work on with my T and I've been scared to share too but  trust notalone she cares for you and wants to hear your truth. Big hug if that's ok.

[sanmagic7]

e, what a courageous, lovely being you are.  thank you for taking the risk and posting here.  we're glad you did.   

i agree w/ what tee said about notalone.  she is so kind and caring and working hard to be able to manage all that's gone before.  i trust her - she has shown to be a very adult, supportive, and intelligent person, someone i'm glad to have in my life.

i'm also glad to meet you.  you've done a great job of taking care of so much for so long.  when your trust grows, both with your t and with notalone, you'll know how much you want to share, how much you want to be ok with allowing notalone more responsibility so that you can have a rest.  it must be exhausting taking care of so many.  you deserve a rest.  that's how i see it, anyway.  sending you love and a gentle hug, if that's ok with you.

[Not Alone]

To Tee and Sanmagic7,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I had some things I wanted to say, but it is getting mixed up right now. Mostly, it made me feel good that you talked to me about this, so thank you.

[Not Alone]

This morning I went for a walk with Notalone and 6-year-old. (She doesn't want to tell her name yet.) I picked more Queen Ann's lace. I was a little afraid we would get in trouble. Notalone said we would not get in trouble and it was okay. The flowers look pretty in a green vase in my bathroom. (All flowers in our house have to be in a place where the cat won't eat them!)

When we were walking, Notalone reminded me that the Therapist we see now is different then the one from a really long time ago, who we trusted completely. The one now does things differently and he would never have the kind of relationship with us that the one from long time ago had. (The one from long time ago didn't do bad stuff. It is really complicated, but I don't want anyone to think he did bad stuff. There was a lot of hurt though.) It still makes my stomach all in knots that I am starting to trust T and that I want to see him and talk to him.

sweet E is scary to trust people especially after you've been hurt so bad.  It's also completely normal to want to tell someone you trust your story.

That is true. Notalone told me seven year olds are supposed to have safe grown-ups to talk to and especially to talk to about bad things.

I am feeling sad and upset right now and don't even want the words I wrote to have pretty colors. Maybe because of the stuff I wrote. Maybe because Notalone's husband was here and said something, not a bad thing. Notalone felt mad and realized she always feels like that when he uses that phrase. Trigger. I am feeling all sick and upset inside. I want to hide.

[Bach]

Hi, E.  My name is Bach.  I look after little B.  She says that you're really special and you made her feel better.  I've got big hugs if that feels safe for you, and if not that's okay too, either way I care about you very much and I hope that you will feel better very soon.   

[Tee]

Oh E, sweet heart it's ok to be scared and hide for a while.  Trigger words are hard.  But it notalone can work on it with her husband. I'm sorry you are upset.  Big hug to help you calm down if that's ok and will help.

[sanmagic7]

you are very special, and i know that notalone loves you very much - she's that kind of person.  she's also very grown up and responsible when she needs to be, especially when she has to deal with grown-up things, like her husband.   i know she will take care of it.  i'm sorry you're upset.  we all want to hide sometimes.

i love flowers, too.  i have flowers in almost every room of my house.  queen anne's lace is a beautiful summer flower.  did you know it's also called 'bird's nest'?  that's because when it is done blooming, it turns brown and curls up like a little bird's nest. 

sending you love and a hug filled with flowers.   

[MoonBeam]

Hi E, It's little M. I wanted to say hi and I love Queen Anne's Lace. I like that its called bird nest. I didn't know that. Its also called wild carrot cause the roots are similar to carrots and edible--I'm pretty sure. The rest of the plant is actually poison, so don't eat it. Oh, except the the seeds when they are dried. They can be used for medicine.  Hmm, that just made me remember that sometimes other kids said I thought I was a know-it-all cause I always say stuff like that. But I don't. Sometimes people aren't very nice. I just really like flowers.  I spend a lot of time up in trees too, cause the bark is pretty and sometimes there's moss--ooh and sometimes a catepillar. (I can't spell catapiller) And I like being up higher where I can hide and still see what's below.
Anyway, MoonBeam was meditating this morning and I thought I saw you in my garden for a little while. You can come anytime if you want.
I tried to talk to MoonBeam's T yesterday, but she couldn't really hear me. I'm not sure why. I know she cares about MoonBeam though, and me too i think. It's really hard to know if its ok to talk to grown-ups.  I get really scared too sometimes, well a  lot of times.
I sat on MoonBeam's lap in the garden this morning. She helped me understand a few things and didn't make me feel bad about a mistake I made. I haven't really sat with MoonBeam. I liked it. Do you sit with Notalone sometimes?
Oh, I wanted to try the color maroon to write this. I hope it looks good--like a ruby. Bye E. I like talking to you. I hope you are happy today.

[Not Alone]

Hi Bach. Thank you for writing to me. I am so glad that Little B is my friend and you can be my friend too. I like grown-ups too.

Tee & SanMagic, Notalone just told her husband that she was in a triggered state and that is why she was so grouchy. No more details then that. Well, all that is for her to talk about if she wants.

SanMagic, I didn't know that the flower was also called "bird's nest." I saw some like that yesterday, that were curled up and brown. Thank you for telling me that. That is wonderful that you have flowers all over your house. My cat eats flowers and plastic! 

Little M, thanks for telling me the flower is called "wild carrot" too. Wow. That flower has a lot of names. Probably a Latin name too. I just think you are smart. I like it when you tell me things. I like to learn new things.

I like climbing trees too. A long time ago, we used to climb way to the top of a tree on windy days, and the wind would take us for a ride as we held onto the branch.

Thank you for inviting me to the garden anytime. I like sitting on the bench, but next time I might bring a blanket. It is so peaceful and pretty there.

I think that the first time our T talked to one of the little parts, Notalone asked him to talk to the six-year-old. I'm not sure because that is fuzzy to me. Could MoonBeam tell your T that you want to talk to her?

That's really nice that you sat on MoonBeam's lap and that she helped you. I talk to Notalone sometimes. Lots of times when she goes for a walk, I hold her hand and the six-year-old holds her other hand. It's really different for her to take care of me because before, lots and lots of years ago, I took care of all the big stuff even though I am seven. Really long story behind all that.

Your color looks pretty.

To all of you: it makes me feel so warm inside that you care and talk to me. 

[Tee]

I'm glad she was able to talk to him a little. 

I hope you are having a good night.

[Bach]

Hi, E, it's Bach again.  Thank you for your offer of friendship!  That's very special to me. Does that mean I can hug you?  I like to hug my friends

I've heard you like flowers.  Little B and I like flowers too.  Every spring, she and I plant wildflower seeds in the spring in a small meadow next to our house.  Then we visit the meadow every day during the summer and fall to gather seeds for next year.  It's one of our very favourite things to do together.

Little B wants to start a journal too but she told me that she's afraid you will be mad at her for stealing your idea.  I suggested that she ask you if it was okay with you, but it's even harder for her to ask for things than it is for her to speak.  So I told her that I would ask you for her. 

She says Hi 

[Not Alone]

Tee: 

Little B & Bach: I think it is a wonderful idea for you to start a journal. I laughed when I read "stealing my idea." Not my idea at all, lots of others have journals. I understand about being afraid that people will be mad, though.

I love that you plant flowers then gather the seeds in the fall. Do you keep them in the same place every time? Notalone finds envelopes of bought and gathered seeds all over. She doesn't have a PLACE for them then forgets.

Thanks for the hugs, Bach. Little B, I am looking forward to reading your journal when you are ready to write.

[Not Alone]

I want to tell you a little bit about the six-year-old. She wants me to tell you. She didn't have a name before. She was called "The Girl who was . . . (bad stuff happened)." Two weeks ago, something happened (I can't say details because it is too secret.) Anyway it was a big surprise to all of us. Then Notalone named the six-year-old "Hope." She said she deserves a name. I don't know if this is making sense, because I'm keeping a lot of secrets, but this is a big thing.

In our session today, after Notalone talked to T, I talked to him. I told him that Hope was there, but she was behind the chair because she was scared. So I talked to him for awhile. I told him that I had a lot of new friends; all of you. He was glad about that. After awhile, he said he was wondering if Hope wanted to talk to him. I asked her and she came and talked to him. He was very nice to her. It made me trust him some more. There was more I wrote, but it felt too scary, so I erased it.

I need to go hide under my blanket now.

[sanmagic7]

hey,

i'm glad you're taking care of yourself when you get too scared.  it's something that's a good thing to do.

you are so brave, and so is little hope.  it takes a lot of courage to come out and talk to others.  well done!     i'm happy for you that your t was nice and made you feel like you could trust him.  i think that's a good thing, too.

it's nice to think of your new friends.  good thing number 3.  wow!  that's so cool!  sending love and a caring hug to you all, if it's ok.