E's Emotions and Experiences

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop,
Thank you. That brought a big smile to my face and my heart.

[sanmagic7]

hi, E,

glad to see you back.  sorry you're feeling alone - i think a lot of us feel that way sometimes.  i know i do.  it  can be tough being us, knowing what we do, and not always able to get it out, to tell someone and have them understand.  i agree, i think you're brave, and i'm glad you had Roman to keep you company. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ lovely clouds to enjoy!   

(snowdrop, i'm glad you found that emoji - perfect!  hope you don't mind that i borrowed it, too.)

[Hope67]

Hi E, I'm sending you another hug, and I love the lovely clouds that Snowdrop and SanMagic found - looks lovely and soft and comfortable.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

It has been a long time since I've been out. I have been way inside, taking care of the other kids. Last time that I was out, I was with Therapist and I cried. (That was in September.) He talked to me from his head and that made me feel like he didn't care. I emailed him on Monday and told him that. He emailed back and said that he was glad I told him how I was feeling and he hopes that I come to see him soon. I don't know. I have had a lot of people leave me. I don't trust. My heart hurts all the time. I really just want to hide. Maybe I'll do that right now. I feel afraid and confused.

From,
E (7 years old)

[Bach]

It has been a long time since I've been out. I have been way inside, taking care of the other kids. Last time that I was out, I was with Therapist and I cried. (That was in September.) He talked to me from his head and that made me feel like he didn't care. I emailed him on Monday and told him that. He emailed back and said that he was glad I told him how I was feeling and he hopes that I come to see him soon. I don't know. I have had a lot of people leave me. I don't trust. My heart hurts all the time. I really just want to hide. Maybe I'll do that right now. I feel afraid and confused.

From,
E (7 years old)

Hi E! I haven't really been out since summer ended except to gather some wildflower seeds for next year, but I wanted to come out right now to say Hi to you!  and give you a hug from Poor Richard if you want it    I hope soon you stop feeling so afraid and confused.  I wonder what it's like to not feel that way?  Bach says it's okay to be afraid and confused, and that she loves me and will keep me safe.  I hope that's true.  I never used to think it was but now I think it might be.  I hope you can feel good and have some fun soon!  From your friend Little B.

[Snowdrop]

It's nice to see you again, E. I was thinking about you and wondering how you are.

Well done for telling your therapist how you felt. I think that was brave of you. I have had a lot of people leave me as well, and I can understand that you find it hard to trust. I hope you can see your therapist when you feel able to.

Here is another cloud for you. It's all soft and puffy, and I hope it brings you comfort. It's a little bit windy here at the moment, which is why it's blowing across the screen.

[Not Alone]

I was feeling really mad too. I'm calmer now. I wrote "Care is a lie" on a piece of paper and then scribbled on the back then crumpled the paper. My crayon broke. I was thinking of people who I really trusted who left me. I know I won't ever trust like I did before. There is a lot to tell about that,
but not right now.

Little B, it is good to hear from you. I have been thinking of you, but like I said, I've been way inside. The hug from Little Richard feels safe. Thank you. Roman (my bear) would like to give you a hug.

Snowdrop, thank you for the cloud. Even though I'm having a hard time, it made me smile. How did you make it go across the screen? I'm sorry you've had people leave you too. There are so many ways to hurt people.

I'm going to go eat icecream now.

E

[MoonBeam]

Hi E. I'm glad to see your post. Little M has been hiding for quite a while too. She can't come and say hi right now, but seeing your post is the first time she's wanted to be out and I know that means a lot to her.  She's really shy and scared, but she really likes you and is in awe that there is someone her age, who feels just like she does.
I really think its a big thing to share your feelings with Therapist and want to tell you how strong and smart I think you are. I'm sorry there are hurtful people in the world and am so glad we all have each other here to help us feel strong and  feel a little safer and a little better. 

[Not Alone]

Hi MoonBeam. Please say hi to Little M. I know what it's like to be scared. If I was with Little M I'd put my arm around her. That's what I do for Hope (she's 5). I'm glad for the friendships with you and the other people here too.

[Snowdrop]

Roman's a nice name for a bear. I'm glad you have him to hug.

I'm pleased my cloud made you smile. To make it, I clicked on the "move" button at the top of the screen (it has an M on it that's moving), and then clicked on the "more" option to find the cloud. In text, it looks like this:

[ move]: cloud9:[/ move]

but without the extra spaces.

[Not Alone]

  I did it! Thank you.

[Snowdrop]

Hooray!

[Jazzy]

Good job! Hahaha, I love it! 

 

[Not Alone]

I just feel like talking. I don't know if I will send this or not, but it doesn't hurt to write it. I'm feeling lots of things. NotAlone suggested that I text the three friends who she just told on Monday about DID. They know about Hope (5) and Eleven-year-old. They know about me, but only as "the seven year old." I didn't want them to know my name. Even here, I don't feel safe with people knowing my name, only my first letter. I'm not sure why. Not safe. So, I don't feel safe texting the three friends. We have had men and women hurt us, but we trust women even less. Although, the two people who have been in my life a long time, who didn't leave me or hurt me, are both women. One is living with Jesus now.

The T we see now is always telling us that we can tell him things or not tell him things. We can tell a lot or a little or nothing. It is up to us. He doesn't push us at all. That is really different for us. A     L  O  N  G   time ago, we were in therapy, and there was a big push to tell and to trust. We did trust. It ended up in a lot of hurt. Hurt that can never be fixed. I'm not ready for NotAlone's three friends to know more about me or for me to talk to them. So I guess I won't. It is a bit of a struggle because I feel pretty alone.

I think I will go see our Therapist on Monday. It is really hard because we all need to talk to him. Last week he told NotAlone's three friends about DID so none of us talked to him. The week before that, the eleven year old was in the middle of something and time was up. That was really hard. NotAlone needs to talk to him about marriage stuff. Eleven year old left off in the middle of really bad things. Hope wants to just be with him, but she also had some bad things to talk about. NotAlone says I should see him. Maybe I will tell him that he didn't answer the part in my email about him talking to me out of his head when I was crying (in September). Maybe I'll tell him that when he said in his email that he missed talking to me, I don't believe him (mostly). Maybe I'll show him the paper that I crumbled up and wrote "care is a lie" and scribbled really mad on it. Maybe I will sit and color with him and just be upset. There are other things too. I don't know. I hate all of this. I want a big eraser to erase EVERYTHING.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for posting, E. I'm glad that you feel safe enough to do so. It was brave of you.

I hope that you're able to speak to your Therapist on Monday. You spend a lot of time looking after the others, and I hear you when you say you feel alone.

If you don't feel like talking with your Therapist, would it help to show him what you've posted here? I don't know if that feels safe though. It's just a thought I had. You can ignore the idea if it's not helpful.

Please give Roman a hug from me if that feels OK. I hope these clouds help you feel better. There's blue sky and sunshine above them.