Anjulies recovery journal

[Anjulie]

So I'll try and start my own recovery journal. Maybe it will help me to sort through things. I feel I've held back so much lately.
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Last week I fell into a major crisis. It didn't happen out of the blue, but in that extent it was unexpected to me (and my husband and friends).
A close friend who had bin in a clinic because she was suicidal, had returned home and was better. I had been there for her a lot, maybe I have pushed my limits too far, but when I knew she was relatively o.k., I couldn't hold myself upright any longer. I fell into panic, and loneliness and hurt. I don't know what exactly.

That she came home, that was the trigger. But the reason that I felt that way (apart from all the old feelings), were a couple of things that happened earlier.

My closest friend turned away from me. We were friends for 10 years and for the last two or three years, she suffered repeatedly from depression. Well, with her, too, I tried to be there for her and support her and had no room for my issues with her for a long time. I admit that my strength is very limited and maybe it was not enough for her what I gave. She started to contact me lesser and lesser (answered my messages lesser and lesser, contacted me only for special favors), and then she stopped contacting me entirely. I asked her in a letter, what was wrong, but she didn't answer. Then I asked her if she had gotten the letter. No answer. At that time, I didn't feel too much, I was not unaffected of the growing distance and had learned to cope with her absence.
Oh dear I have to stop for today, too much hurt here.

[Tee]

  I have lost some people I thought were friends a long this journey too.  I'm sorry your friend never responded.  I've shared found some really great ones who have my bank no matter what. No matter how far down I go.  So I've decided to remind myself when ok start in on myself about the ones who I pushed away or set appropriate boundaries and they left.  Well they were not healthy for me anyway. It doesn't hurt less in that moment but it makes the moment last a shorter time.

[Not Alone]

I know that hurt of loosing a close friend when they drift away.  Hearing your pain. 

[Anjulie]

Thank you Tee and notalone for hearing me  although it's sad that you've gone through that, too, but it feels good not to be alone.
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Earlier in my life, I used not to be emotional about losing people, I never let them come that close I guess. Now it seems to be a different story. I haven't noticed that had changed so much... especially with friends. I let my husband come very close and he is wonderful and loving and I trust him completely now, after years (in fact, we've been friends before we were together for 20 years). But I am very aware that should something happen to him or should he turn away from me, that would be absolutely devastating... I guess that risk is always there when you trust.

After my friend didn't respond, I knew that was a serious blow for me but at that moment I felt I could cope. Then, later in the same week, my husband and I and his parents went to a restaurant in the countryside and wanted to do a longer walk through the fields and woods.
My MIL has narcissist traits. She is working on it but it still is present in her and now and she falls back into it completely. Like on that day.

I'm tired again.

[Tee]

  rest you will make it 

[Anjulie]

Thank you Tee 

[Anjulie]

I've made some realizations yesterday and this morning.
As I am not a native speaker reading and writing here it's not so easy for me. Especially when writing I cannot maintain a flow of my thoughts, I can't express my thoughts directly.  And therefore, it takes a lot of time and energy to express myself.

Then, I feel so touched and honored by any answers that I got here on the forum. Actually, I've got the feeling that it is too good to be true...
It is very hard for me to take up space when I know I don't have the strength at the moment to help others much. I think contacts and relationships should be reciprocal, that's what I've learned in my life.
I have once overused a friend of mine. Luckily, she told me so, so I could react and depend less on her. But I know deep in my heart there is a very needy spot. Well, I didn't get much love as a child so that's no wonder.
It became my strategy to listen to others first and give them first before I myself take the space and talk, let alone ask for something.
But here on the forum, things  are all different. I come here, I Post here and some of you have already responded very kindly and very helpfully.
Well, this seems to have triggered something, because at the moment I feel uneasy and guilty for taking up space here.  There is also fear, a lot of fear for not being enough and not giving enough.
It's just like I feel at the moment.

I try to listen to my heart. And what I know is that old things make me feel that way. There is a way to be here and be OK. I just need to find it yet.

[Anjulie]

I'd like to post something positive, too.
I think the hurt and the sadness are not so strong anymore.
I have managed to built a bit of a professional supportive system.
My husband seems to be better, he was in crisis, too.
I have twice gone to church in my village, and people there seem to be very nice and welcoming. Although I usually don't feel at ease with strange people, there I felt quite relaxed- really odd!

[sunflower38]

You're welcome here! Please don't feel guilty for feeling like you take up space here, this space has always been yours to begin with. I hope you have many more relaxed and peaceful days 

[Anjulie]

Thank you sunflower38 
and for saying that I I am welcome and don't need to feel guilty.
On one level, I think so, too. But at the moment, I don't have access to those feelings.
I think I'll take a break and talk about how I feel to my T.
Maybe I come back to my journal when I have sorted out what's going on inside me.

[Blueberry]

You're welcome here! Please don't feel guilty for feeling like you take up space here, this space has always been yours to begin with.

The most important thing here is your own recovery. So if you don't feel able to read and/or respond to others' posts for a short or long period, that's quite OK. You might get a few less responses. Or maybe just as many members will respond anyway

Take care, we'll still be here supporting you when you come back. 

[Anjulie]

  blueberry, thanks a lot, I'll try to keep that in mind.
Maybe it just needs to sink in a bit.

[Not Alone]

There are times on this forum where I am not in a place to read others' posts. Sometimes I post and am need to hear from others, but have nothing to give/post for others. Other times I'm more able to read and respond to others. You are welcome to post as much as is helpful to you. If you are not up to reading and/or replying to others, that is okay.

[Anjulie]

notalone, yeah thats sounds totally ok and good and healthy as you say that!  I hope, and I do think, that with me it will be the same, periods when I need to write and periods when I can and like to read and respond to others.

Yesterday I was at my T's and we talked about all of this.
I think what I didn't learn in my childhood is that there is something natural about giving and taking. If you grow up in a healthy environment, then you take that in all the time.  At least, that's how I imagine it.
Somehow, at some point, I don't know exactly, I've learned that you have to give all the time. You have to give without feeling you want to.  Don't listen to yourself, just do it. There was a lot of religious abuse about this. But my parents are that way, too. They are not able to love really, but they are very generous and very reliable in terms of material and practical things.

Having learned this  was useful, because I was able to build really lasting relationships with this attitude.  I have learned to love, too, in the end  And I became better in choosing people as friends, who in turn  give me support. Well, as I said, with this one friend it didn't "work " that way.


My T told me yesterday, that, in a friendship, I should only give when I truly  want nothing in exchange. And only what I can give without exerting  myself. And if that person goes away because of that, and that I am always afraid of, that's just the way it is.

So I have learned, that there is some kind of calculation behind all of this. I often give to make sure the other will give the same to me and will not walk away. 

I think at the core, there's a lot of fear involved, and force. Maybe a way for me is to listen more to my heart, as woodsgnome wrote. Be more of a breathing, living being.
That would be nice...

[Anjulie]

I am still recovering from my crisis that began 3 weeks ago.  Sorting it out, making lists. What was it, why was it so extreme, what did I learn from it?

I also work a lot with the sentences to the inner child from Pete Walker in his book the Tao of fully feeling. They help me a lot.

I think what caused the crisis was the loss of three very important people in my life.  One was my friend and the other two were people who triggered me badly with their behavior, and that not for the first time. The first was my mother-in-law, and the second was my psychiatrist. I decided to see my mother-in-law much, much less and then for a really short period of time. So within two weeks, or actually one, I lost those three crucial people, a big part of my safety net, let alone the triggers. I don't have very much people around, and, apart from my FOO,  there was only my husband and a friend of mine left. This friend was at that moment suicidal, and thought about going to a clinic ( which I strongly encouraged her to do). And my husband has had a very hard time for months and couldn't be there for me.

When I realized that I was near to alone, I panicked. I reached out for help at a local supporting institution. When the panic seized a little, the pain and the hurt washed over me.  And it came back again and again in waves. It was the question, if I, too, should go to the clinic. In the end, however, I decided not to. I could see that this hurt and all the tears were normal reactions to what had happened to me and that they needed time to be. And I needed rest, because I was absolutely exhausted. I'm exhausted, still.

I have the feeling that I'm learning very much at the moment. But I can't pin it down yet.