Anjulies recovery journal

[Anjulie]

 In the last days, I've been sorting a lot. I made lists, e.g. what are my problems now and what were my problems when I first broke down at the age of 17.  It was good to see how much progress I've made since then but also very hard to realize once again what * I was in then.
But I also did was make a therapy chronic which means I wrote the date and also the issues of the different therapies  I had.  Oh dear, it was so much work until now.
Well, it is true, I am much better now but my life has been damaged, and  some of it beyond repair. Eg I cannot work anymore and receive a retirement fund... I could not have children, it would have been far too much for me. I have so much less strength than other normal people have.
Now I'm processing all of this, and I am exhausted. It was a lot of work.

[Snowdrop]

I can imagine. Sifting through everything can be such hard work. I'm glad that you can see how much progress you've made though. Maybe it's time for a bit of a rest?

[Three Roses]

I hope you can sit back and rest now, for a bit. Take care of yourself.  You're worthy of being treated with compassion.

[Anjulie]

Thank you snowdrop and Three Roses for the understanding and for suggesting to rest. That helps me very much to allow myself to rest which is what I really need. When I told my husband, he nodded vigorously 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear about the damage caused. It sounds like you've done a lot of great work though! I hope you enjoyed your rest, and are getting some benefit from all your effort. Take care!

[Not Alone]

Glad you are able to treat yourself with kindness and rest.

[Anjulie]

Jazzy and notalone thank you! 
It's so good to hear that you are with me and support me!
I'll be back when I have a bit of energy back.

[Anjulie]

I am much better now. I don't have so much energy but I feel lighter, as if a shadow has gone.
Yesterday I was in a new therapy called occupational therapy. My old psychiatrist told me I was actually too "fit" to get it but for once it would be OK. Occupational therapy is where you learn to engage in activities, to concentrate, to actually do things. Sorry, I can't describe it properly. My T suggested it  because I have huge problems to learn an activity by myself. I wanted to start weaving, but there are so many triggers when I do something practical, so I never got far.
Oh dear, today I have trouble explaining what I mean in English.

Well the appointment was really good, and the T was completely getting what I needed. The problem is, I don't have a prescription yet, and I don't want to go back to that psychiatrist, I just don't want to, I've been with her for years, but I always go out worse than I went in. So next week on Tuesday I have an appointment with my GP, and hopefully, she will prescribe it for me. She knows I'm looking for a new psychiatrist and consented to fill in the gap.
I'm very nervous and hope she will do it. Otherwise I have to think again if I for once go back to that psychiatrist. Or to leave it be.

So if all goes well, I will finally learn how to weave. I'm really looking forward to this. All my activities up to now, except housework  have to do with the brain, so I long to do something with my hands.

In two weeks I also plan to try out the church choir in my little village. It feels like  a new stage in my life,  trying out how it feels  to be a part of a group of normal people, here in my village, where I live . It certainly will be rocky sometimes, but as I wrote here before, when I was at church with those people (three times now), I just felt natural and good.

This is something completely new to me, Most of my life I felt like an alien among other people. I don't know when that has changed. However, I'm looking forward to that adventure.

[Blueberry]

That sounds great Anjulie! Like a shadow having lifted. And you're looking forward to your next steps.  

I too get tons of triggers when I try to do anything practical. It has got better bit by bit.

[Three Roses]

It feels like  a new stage in my life,  trying out how it feels  to be a part of a group of normal people, here in my village, where I live . It certainly will be rocky sometimes, but as I wrote here before, when I was at church with those people (three times now), I just felt natural and good.

Happy you're experiencing some new things and good people!

[Anjulie]

Thank you Blueberry and Three Roses! 

I'm sorry to hear that you've got those triggers,too, Blueberry. But it feels comforting to me that I am not alone with this. Maybe it will get better for me, too. I really hope so.

[Hope67]

Hi Anjulie,
It's great that you have enjoyed your first session with that Occupational therapy person, and that you are looking forward to weaving.  Also to the choir that you want to attend.  I think this is really great, and I hope that it goes well.  If it's ok, I would like to extend a hug to you   
Hope 

[Anjulie]

Hi Hope ,
Thank you, and your hug is very welcome 
back!

[sanmagic7]

anjulie, i think it's brave and strong of you to make that decision about your shrink, and not wanting to go back to her.  definitely a red flag when you go to someone who's supposed to help you, and you come out feeling worse.  been there and it totally sucks.

i'm glad you're seeing the value of rest for yourself.  another form of self-care that i think a lot of us aren't able to give ourselves in a positive way.  good for you! 

i've done simple weaving (not on a big loom) in the past, both with yarn and with reeds (basket making), and i loved both of those activities.  they use a very different part of the brain, and i found them both to be soothing and relaxing, plus i loved what i was able to create.  i also knit, which is something i'm doing now, and that has the same effect for me.  it's a break from thinking.

sounds like you've come a long way, and i give you a lot of credit for that.  one step, then another - we'll get there!  love and hugs to you   

[Anjulie]

Hi sanmagic7, thank you für your validation, it means a lot 

Yes, weaving is a very different kind of state. I really want to do it, and do it a lot. A big problem I have is that my forearms are so tense and hurting after just minutes (the same goes for writing). I guess it is the fear from my childhood of being judged and treated with contempt. I am very unhappy and sad about this. Why can't I do those things that I want to? 
Maybe my inner child has to learn that there is no F behind my back anymore, peering over my shoulder all the time.

So that's something I hope will get better with the occupational therapy. I will bring it into my traumatherapy, too.

But every step is so much work! So I have to brain-work to find some break from brainwork