Jazzy's Journal

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Blueberry

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #105 on: October 19, 2019, 06:43:21 PM »
Sometimes I think that people here must see me as a horrible child. I don't think I am, but I think it might look that way without knowing everything that has happened, and continues to happen.

I don't see you as a horrible child at all! It never even occurred to me.   

Maybe I shouldn't have said this, maybe I should have said that etc. I'm sure everyone else forgot all about it, but ICr doesn't follow logic like that.

I know those ruminations and self-criticisms after the fact all too well. All I can say is that they have decreased with continued healing but they're not completely gone. 

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #106 on: October 19, 2019, 11:38:42 PM »
 :hug: Thank you Sanmagic. Sleeping schedules can be a real mess sometimes. I had a good summer sleep wise, and I was hoping it would be permanent... but it doesn't seem to be. That said, it was great to have that time, and I'm hopeful it will come again.

I think the main thing, is I want to be more accurate about how I'm doing. There's 2 parts to that.

The first part is, I seem to make things out to be better than they really are. It just seems normal, until a good day comes around, and those other days stand out in stark contrast, as not being good at all. I think this also has the effect of cheating me out of feeling accomplished in surviving those tough days, because if I don't admit they are tough, than it doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment.

The other thing is, I don't remember emotion very well. One of the T I saw in the past said I was missing the logic<->emotion connection. So, I don't fully realize how thing were, when I try to look back at them. I'm not sure if this is bad memory, a protective mechanism, or like the T says, I'm just missing something basic. But, I do think it has been getting better lately. I remember a couple days ago how I remembered the feeling of having a great day. That great day was probably a couple of years ago now, but for a short little while, I remembered the feeling, and wished I had it again.



Thank you Blueberry for relating with those feelings, and for not thinking I'm horrible. :) Sometimes I feel like I am, I guess that's another thing I was told growing up, that isn't really true. It was made very clear we were to always respect our parents, unconditionally... but I think respecting anyone unconditionally can be dangerous. Anyway, its something I have to deal with, and I need to get more comfortable with the idea.



I've felt a little bad asking my sister to set aside time to talk about M. I know even mentioning M is upsetting for her, so she won't be looking forward to it. I also wonder when, if ever, we will have this meeting. She's not the best at carrying through with these kinds of things, even when its something light and easy. I guess time will tell.

I've also been asking myself what I expect to happen, practically speaking. I think the root of the issue, is that I don't like the way I react to M. Basically, when she starts talking to me, I curse silently and start dissociating. Part of me feels like its my fault, and that I should be in control of my own reactions. Maybe, in the future, I'll gain more control over my emotional state, and my reactions, but right now, I don't have much at all. I just don't want to be thrown in to that state on a regular basis. I wish I reacted better, I wish she treated me better, so I wouldn't have such a reaction to begin with. I wish all kinds of things, but that doesn't matter at all, practically speaking.

I think what worries me most, is that she keeps saying she's going to move back to the city I live in. I've notably improved since she left, and I'm concerned that if she comes back, I will start to get worse again. It would certainly be more difficult seeing her in person all the time again. But, I guess I should try to put this out of mind, and cross that bridge when we come to it.



Today felt like a pretty standard day. I wish I knew how to describe that well. I think its depression. Not the acute, clinical, out of my mind kind of depression, but just the not really caring about anything, wasting the day away sitting in my house kind. I have music on, but that's more out of habit, I'm not really feeling it... so I guess I'm somewhat numb as well. I can't even imagine the reality of people who have mostly good days. We'll see if M calls tomorrow.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #107 on: October 22, 2019, 01:26:01 AM »
So, talked to my youngest sister today. She came over for dinner, which was nice. She's really understanding about everything. She has a lot of the same feelings and reactions about M, and agrees with my analysis of the problems. Unfortunately, she couldn't make any suggestion about what to do about M and the contact situation. She's especially afraid about M putting herself back in the hospital, which is understandable, as last time it happened was when S said she needed a couple months break from M.

We talked quite a bit, but of particular interest was how much we have been conditioned to keep on taking abuse, and never talk about the truth. S feels particularly upset about how badly her education suffered. I think it was worse for her. At least I had kindergarten and grade 1 in school, she did not. She makes a good point wondering how no one put a stop to this. Children being kept out of school, and being made to work to help pay the bills should not be tolerated these days.

She did say that we should talk with eldest sister together, and see if we can come up with any plan. She warned me that S2 is very bitter about her childhood, and will probably vent a lot. I really can't blame her for that. I've never really talked to S2 about childhood or CPTSD or anything of that nature, so I'm a bit guarded. I don't know the details, but I know she took the worst of it after I was out of the household.

Anyway, a lot more was said, but I think that's enough writing for now. I'm having a bit of a hard time posting... need to digest some of this conversation I think.

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Hope67

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #108 on: October 22, 2019, 08:42:14 AM »
Hi Jazzy,
 :hug: to you, and I hope that you're able to digest what you wrote, and well done for managing to write it.  I am glad that you were able to talk with your younger sister and that she was really understanding about everything, that sounds very positive. 
Hope  :)

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Three Roses

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #109 on: October 22, 2019, 04:11:09 PM »
I'm really impressed that you and your sister were able to speak openly and honestly. I feel happy thinking about that, for you. I hope you two can continue to work together to support each other and also that the other sister will join ranks with you, if that's the healthy thing for you all. Thanks for posting!

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #110 on: October 22, 2019, 11:29:53 PM »
You know, I was just re-reading this, and this line jumped out at me:
Quote
We talked quite a bit, but of particular interest was how much we have been conditioned to keep on taking abuse, and never talk about the truth

And here we are, to this day, still not talking about the truth, still living the lie, not standing up for ourselves, not telling M how we feel, because we're afraid of what she will do. I really didn't realize until right now, that it is the same old thing still going on. Wow! No wonder this has been bothering me so much.



 :hug: Thank you Hope and Three Roses. It is really great that my sister and I were so "on the same page" with the whole situation. One thing she said, that I agreed with as true for myself as well, is that she thought she was the only one who felt that way about M, and didn't want to speak up, for fear of how we (siblings) would react. I think it would have been crushing if I was the only one who felt how I do, and I'm quite relieved that is not the case. I'm unsure if bringing S2 in will be a help or hindrance, but I think it best to talk to her and find out for myself how she reacts.



Sleeping schedule was good last night/today, but today has been mostly depression. Today, I realized it is worse than I thought. I actually said to myself "not like you're laying in bed all day", then realized that lately there have been more days than I care to admit that I have been in bed > 12 hours. Its just that being asleep feels better (less worse) than being awake. Anyway, I got a small chocolate cake on sale, so I'm looking forward to a slice of that.

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Hope67

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #111 on: October 23, 2019, 10:37:15 AM »
Hi Jazzy,
I hope you enjoy the chocolate cake.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #112 on: October 24, 2019, 09:46:31 PM »
You know, I was just re-reading this, and this line jumped out at me:
Quote
We talked quite a bit, but of particular interest was how much we have been conditioned to keep on taking abuse, and never talk about the truth

And here we are, to this day, still not talking about the truth, still living the lie, not standing up for ourselves, not telling M how we feel, because we're afraid of what she will do. I really didn't realize until right now, that it is the same old thing still going on. Wow! No wonder this has been bothering me so much.
Jazzy, that is a big realization.  :thumbup:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #113 on: October 24, 2019, 10:54:58 PM »
Yeah, it is, thank you. Since this realization, my plan has been to tell M the truth about this, and how she reacts will be on her. That way I am not cutting her off completely, but also not allowing the lies to continue. I plan to talk to my sisters about it first, and see if they want to be involved at all though.



Sorry to everyone here, I haven't been posting very much. I just feel really disconnected from everything. It is hard to summon up the energy to get things done.

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notalone

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #114 on: October 24, 2019, 11:15:36 PM »
No apology needed. I find that I have times where I'm able to read and post and then other times where I am not in a place to read others' posts or to write my own.


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Sceal

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #115 on: October 27, 2019, 08:59:26 AM »
That is a big desicion you've made Jazzy. It sounds like a scary thing to do. I hope you will be okay after you've gone through it.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #116 on: October 28, 2019, 11:46:41 PM »
Thanks Sceal... it feels like a really big and scary thing; I hope I'll be okay too. I haven't talked with my sisters yet, but I think it will be easier if one or both of them are with me through it. I think it will be tough to deal with the fallout, but in time, I will be okay.



The last couple of days my depression hasn't been so strong. I took the weekend for some introspection. I decided to cut back on some of my evening routine. I was just doing some of it for the sake of doing it; afraid it will be a failure if I stop. But I decided that it isn't a failure to waste time, and it was a decision I spent time considering, not just something that ended up happening.

I saw my psychiatrist today, and it went pretty well. He changed my medication, as I was hoping he would. More than that though, I spoke with him with some confidence, and not feeling shame. The only thing I don't like is that he talks over me a lot.

For about two weeks, I was trying to figure out what to say to him to get him to change my medication. Last night, I had the sudden thought to just tell him the truth (embarrassing side effects). Which I did, and it went well... this really bothers me though. For 2 weeks I never thought that just telling the truth would be a good idea? ... and its been months that I wanted to change medication, but wasn't sure about it, and didn't know a good way to ask.

I think this living a lie thing with M has me really messed up. I think its really bad to have that kind of instinct of manipulation and deceit. Sometimes I think I'm a horrible person, especially when my empathy isn't very strong.

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Sceal

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #117 on: October 30, 2019, 07:50:13 AM »
I can understand not liking your therapist to talk over you. Is this something you can bring up to him?

telling the truth can be hard, and maybe taking small steps to learn how to do it for you will gradually make you more comfortable with it and eventually that will become your first instinct instead?

I remember when I was practicing saying no to people. I ended up saying no to everything and everyone before I'd even considered what they were asking me. I found it a little embarrasing and amusing at the same time when I realised what was happening. But it really did help practicing, eventhough it took a while.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #118 on: October 30, 2019, 11:23:24 PM »
Well, he is just an overworked doctor. I think he is trying to keep things quick because he is always running so far behind. If there's anything super important, I can write it down and give it to him... but I will try to ask him not to talk over me next time.

Thank you for sharing that Sceal. Of course, you are right. It takes a lot of practice to set a new habit in place.



So, given M will not be here to talk in person, I'm not sure how I could really arrange things to have her talking with my sisters and I at the same time. I guess we could do some sort of conference call, or a group chat online, but that hardly seems optimal. Of course, this would only be if my sister agrees to join me. I know she has a lot of reservations, and understandably so.

Today, I was thinking that it would be a better idea to write her a letter. That way, I will be able to get out everything I want to, which I don't think I could do vocally; especially alone. I'm a bit hesitant to have it in writing though. I'm not exactly sure why, probably because it may be used against me later, but I have had a fear of writing my thoughts and feelings down all my life. Anyway, that's not something I want to get in to tonight.

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Sceal

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #119 on: October 31, 2019, 08:51:02 PM »
It's not your responsibility that he is always running late. He shouldn't use that against you, or make that affect his care for you to be less than the allocated time you do have with him.  It is his responsibility as a professional to make sure he is on time, and that he manages his own time well enough that he can see everyone. (I've worked in the medical sector - I know how overworked they can become.. And sometimes it really isn't their fault.. but when it's a pattern.. well)

I know you say you're not sure you want to put things in writing. Could you do a test run? If you don't like it in writing afterall you can burn it before showing it off to anyone. Or anyone knowing it ever existed?