Jazzy's Journal

Started by Jazzy, August 13, 2019, 11:19:41 PM

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Jazzy

Thanks Phoebes. Its nice to hear that you understand, and feel for me. That's a really foreign concept to me. Its probably not a good thing, but I still feel bad for M. I can't seem to break it. Thanks for those names, I'll have to make a point of looking in to it. I take pain meds daily for my back, but it has obvious physical problems. The other joint pains and tinnitus though, don't really seem to have a physical reason, so maybe its a part of that mind-body connection.




So, I'm not really sure how I should be feeling right now. Day to day, I'm doing pretty well compared to my past. I'm sleeping through the night, and eating 3 times a day. So I feel kind of comfortable with that for the most part. On the other hand, I hide inside every day, all day, and I still get anxious about one of the neighbours seeing me (I do still run out for my coffee though. I go early, before most others around here are awake).

Today, I thought again about how much I would like to be able to sing well. That's really tough to do for a few reasons. I'm so shy and quiet to start with, the tinnitus makes it difficult to hear different pitches properly, and not being in school, I didn't really learn any music lessons. Its easier for me to think of music like math/physics, and that mostly works for instruments (though makes it boring), but not so much for vocals. Of course, the biggest problem being that I'm so anxious hiding in the house, going out for lessons wouldn't work out at all.

I didn't plan on writing all this stuff from my childhood out, and when I did, I had a big reaction... but besides that I feel pretty numb about all this. Mostly I just feel bad for M, but I also feel like a failure for feeling that way. I should be worried about me and trying to heal. I guess its just easier to ignore it all instead of dealing with it. I'm really not sure what else to do though. The "little" problems have mostly cleared up, and I feel powerless to make any progress on fixing the "big" problems.

Maybe I should stop feeling guilty for feeling numb? I don't know. I do want to improve more though.

Jazzy

Just read Blueberry's latest post, and it is amazing how I always feel fine with settling for so little. I can still improve so much more. Now that I can sleep and eat, I'm not all fixed, but I am able to take on more recovery work. Still not quite sure what that would be and how to go about it though.

Thanks for the inspiration Blueberry! :)

Jazzy

Just rolled some thoughts around today, trying to come up with some ideas of what I can do. Maybe I can get back in touch with a couple of organizations I contacted some years ago. Its about a 2 year wait time to get anything though, who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe this time it will work better because I'm more stable now? I'll keep it in mind.

Jazzy

TW: Gun violence

First of all, I was just reading all these posts on the forum here about dreams and how not resting during your sleep and napping during the day is a known sign of trauma. I'm feeling angry that no one told me this 5-10 years ago. It would have made things a lot easier to deal with knowing what I was actually up against, instead of thinking I was just strange/weird/broken. Just another example of what a failure my psychiatrist and other healthcare professionals in this area really are. Anyway, with that said I'll try to let it go. I don't really like being angry, and I don't think it is going to be valuable at all.

Over the last few days, I've been leaving the dining room windows open as a small step towards being connected with the outside world. Hearing outside noises louder, including people, has raised my baseline anxiety for sure, but its still quite tolerable. Last night was really difficult, as someone was setting off firecrackers and had me wake in a full blown panic twice. I didn't sleep too well after that and was up extra early this morning.

I've been thinking about this today, and this evening I realize that I've never put much thought in to it before. I just assumed everyone was terrified and panicked when woken from their sleep by an explosion. Maybe they're not though, was my thought this evening. The thing is, its not so much the explosion/noise itself that bothers me (well, it probably does, wake in terror like most of my life, but its not the worst). Every time I think they are gunshots, and that is what upsets me so much.

So I was thinking, why do I assume every loud noise is a gunshot, and why does it bother me to such an extreme. It could be a few things. One year when I went on vacation, the authorities raided a known drug location, which was nearby enough that to wake me up to the sound of automatic gunfire. I learned what had happened on the news the next day, but I'm not sure that is really the source of the problem.

I've had a gun pulled on me a few times, which is a terrifying experience in its own right. So that's maybe what scares me. But I think I finally uncovered the real reason that I had been blocking out. When I was a kid (around 10 years old), I was shot at point blank range in the leg.  Thankfully it was a blank, but the feeling of the gun touching my skin, the loud explosive noise and clicking when it fired was all too real. I remember literally jumping about 5 feet across the room.

My ICr keeps telling me that because my leg didn't get torn apart by a real bullet it doesn't really count, but I don't think that's true. I was still shot with a real * gun when I was a child. It seems to be the most logical reason of why I react so strongly to loud unexpected noises. ICr also thinks I'm stupid because gun violence is such a textbook thing to be triggered about, and I shouldn't let "common" things bother me. I feel so weak to be traumatized by so many things (as outlined previously) that "shouldn't bother me that much".

Not Alone

Quote from: Jazzy on August 25, 2019, 11:07:26 PM
I've had a gun pulled on me a few times, which is a terrifying experience in its own right. So that's maybe what scares me. But I think I finally uncovered the real reason that I had been blocking out. When I was a kid (around 10 years old), I was shot at point blank range in the leg.  Thankfully it was a blank, but the feeling of the gun touching my skin, the loud explosive noise and clicking when it fired was all too real. I remember literally jumping about 5 feet across the room.

Jazzy, that sounds terrifying and very traumatic. Nothing common at all about gun violence.

Snowdrop

I don't think that's weak. You have every right to feel traumatised. It sounds terrifying!

Three Roses

I believe the incident you shared is MORE than enough to qualify as traumatic! I would expect any child or adult to be traumatized by being shot in the leg, whether or not the gun was real! Gun violence is outside the norm. You are not weak to be affected by it.

Jazzy

Notalone, Snowdrop, Three Roses, thank you all for the support. I really appreciate that. I still struggle with ICr so much, but it is really helpful to have your support. I think it is more than ICr though. Not only did M have unrealistically super human expectations of me, but I took that on myself as well. Basically, I was a parent to my sisters, when I was a child. I had to look after them and make sure they were okay. I had to teach them and make sure they completed their assignments... and when no adults were around, I had to be the leader as the older brother.

I really feel like it is not okay for me to have any sort of PTSD. There is probably a lot more to it than I realize. I don't know why I have such a cognitive dissonance about this. I know what I've been through, I know the affect it has had on me, I know how I struggle with the symptoms every day, and have for many years. What I don't know, is how to make peace with this fact.

I'm not feeling too great this evening (I want to hide from some things that are causing me tension), but I had a good morning, and I wanted to explain that I see it as a major victory. This morning, I went grocery shopping. Leaving the house is usually pretty tough, but I got out the door without too much trouble. I actually enjoyed my walk to/from the store. When I was at the store, there was a lady there who was angrily shouting in to her phone almost the entire time. Not only did I hold it together, but I felt far less stressed about it than I was expecting. I mostly wondered who she was talking to like that, wondered what it must be like to talk that way in public, and hoped everyone involved had a better rest of the day.

So emotionally speaking, inside where it really counts, I did far better today than expected, given the circumstances. I'm really relieved by that, and I think all the work I did yesterday and writing it all out here helped with that. Keeping the window open is probably helping as well. I also used this peaceful feeling this morning to call the bank and order a replacement card (mine is getting old and worn, not always working properly), which I have been avoiding for months now. So yay!  ;D

Snowdrop

Your morning sounds like progress.  :applause:

Jazzy

Thanks Snowdrop, it sure was! :)




So, I made caramelized onions with dinner tonight for the first time in years. They tasted really good, so I'm glad I went through with it. It was really difficult though. Cooking new things is rough on my anxiety, it takes me to a mild panic level. I used to like cooking, but not so much anymore... too much anxiety.

5 - 10 years ago I was pretty much a writeoff, couldn't do anything to take care of myself. Probably should have been hospitalized (again), but that never happened. The point is that I didn't really cook anything during that time period. Things started getting better after I moved (old landlord was literally a convicted slumlord in 2 countries, so you can imagine how bad things got), except I had the worst neighbour. Every day he would blast music so loud you could hear it at the end of the street. Even with the windows closed I could hear the words it was so loud. This guy was always angry too; always yelling and screaming and cursing about something. He used to go off on me whenever I tried to cook, because he could smell the food cooking and he didn't like it. We're both the same ethnicity, so its not even a different culture problem, just him being verbally abusive.

This really messed me up inside. Whenever I pushed myself to try to take care of myself better by cooking a healthy meal, I was yelled at. It made me feel like I wasn't allowed / wasn't safe to eat a proper meal. Thankfully he is gone now, but I still struggle with the anxiety. Its annoying because I'm not actually afraid of the guy, its just an instinct/reaction. Anxiety has taken over my life in a lot of ways, and I really wish I could get it back. I'm not sure how, but hopefully before I get too much older it will get better.

I am a bit concerned with how I feel about this guy though. When I first started remembering how he acted, I just assumed I was angry at him. I'm not, but in some ways I wish I was. Anger passes pretty quickly for me now (yay mood stabilizers!). But I just don't care about this guy, at all. I try to be a compassionate person, and generally give every one a big benefit of the doubt. I try to live by that old idea that we're all basically good people at heart (I probably shouldn't, but that would be a huge personality change). I just automatically feel some compassion for anyone, I guess because we're all the same species, or something like that... but not this guy. If something bad happened to him, I'm sure my first thought would be "Well, now the world's a better place".

Anyway, I'm not really sure what a healthy feeling would be, but I'll try to keep it from going too far. We don't have to be nice to people who abuse us like that, right? I'm just glad he is gone out of my life now.

But, to end on a happy note, yay for caramelized onions, and nothing going wrong while cooking! :)

Snowdrop

Hooray for caramelized onions! Sound yummy.  ;D

I think it's perfectly OK to not care about an abusive neighbour who was making you anxious. He sounds awful, and I'm glad he's no longer your neighbour.

Jazzy

I've been really stressed lately. Not sleeping well, and that cooking was really hard on me. I'm going to try taking it easy for a few days.

Snowdrop

That sounds like a very good idea. Sending you a :hug: if that helps.

Not Alone

 :cheer: for calling the bank and for making caramelized onions. Sounds like those were big steps for you so makes sense that you are tired. Glad you are taking it easy for a few days.

Jazzy

Still not sleeping too well, but besides that I'm mostly doing alright, although I haven't really managed to relax. Something upsetting is always coming to mind.

I'm not sure why, but I'm really zoned out tonight... just sitting here staring; dissociating I guess. I wish I knew why. Maybe its a minor depressive episode. Basically, I feel nothing, not even frustrated over being so disconnected right now. Anyway, I'm sure it will be better tomorrow.