Jazzy's Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Thank you Hope, that is great! 



Last night's mood, did indeed pass. I woke up a few times throughout the night, but I wasn't feeling a lot of panic like I usually do, so that was very nice. Today was mostly just weekend chores and house work. Talked with M a bit today on the phone. It was mostly alright. I was quiet as usual. She did most of the talking. It seems to make her happy, and she's about the only person in the world who will talk to me for half an hour. So, at least it is someone.

I'm still stressed, but I can't really put my finger on why. I really miss feeling peaceful, though I am glad it is no worse. Its raining out this evening, I really like listening to the sound of the rain.

[Snowdrop]

These things sound like progress  .

Just a thought, but is it possible that feeling stressed might be an EF? I thought I'd ask in case it's helpful. 

[Jazzy]

Thanks Snowdrop, I think you are right. Actually, I think I know what has been bothering me. It seems obvious now, but it never is easy to figure out in the moment.

Because I have been doing so much better (for me) lately, I have put expectations on myself to take some next steps in my healing journey. When I say much better, I am talking about being able to sleep through the night (mostly) and eating 3 meals a day. Those were big goals of mine, which I had given up hope I would be able to do. Now I am meeting those goals, so I want to push further and see how else I can improve, and what else I can do.

I keep thinking that I should see a therapist to help me, probably because my psychiatrist says I need to, in order to get better, and it seems to help quite a lot of people. My experiences with seeing a therapist have been not so great. Lately, I have been blaming myself, thinking that I did not tell them I had CPTSD, and so they did not know to work within the appropriate boundaries.

In particular, I have been thinking about an organization here that provides therapy specifically for trauma survivors. I would think that if anyone would "get things right", it would be them. This organization was recommended by my psychiatrist as well. I contacted them some years ago, but they have a waiting list which is about 2 years long. In the past I was nowhere near healthy enough to be able to follow through with something over that period of time. I'm not even sure I can now.

One problem is transportation. I'm not allowed to drive, and it is too far to walk, so I would have to take the bus. The problem with that is, they are located right across the street from the local university, so the buses are constantly filled to overflowing with students. Certainly would be very difficult to deal with. I think I'd be too much of an emotional wreck just getting to the location.

Another problem is that they seem to not be sensitive to trauma survivors at all. The first time I called, they said they have to ask a few questions. Going through the personal details was fine, talking about diagnoses I was given was a lot more difficult, but I managed to get through it. Then they started asking "Have you ever been in a situation where...", then naming one traumatic event after the next. It felt like such a long list, an endless assault of traumatic memories dug up and thrown in my face. I was fully dissociated long before the list was finished, I don't really know how the rest of the call went.

It was a really terrible experience, by the so called specialists. I just want to improve myself. I was thinking of calling them again, because that's what I'm being told is the right thing to do... but I really don't think it is. The way they handle things just reinforces my belief that the way mental health is handled around here isn't really for people with serious problems, but more for those who need a social activity and some people to talk with. I'm not looking for tea time, I'm trying to hold together the pieces of a shattered life and get through it the best I can. I really wish these people had a floor day - just one, so they would know what it is like, and how much they need to improve the help they offer.

So, I guess I need to make peace with this:  Because attempting to work with this organization will cause a lot more harm than good (at least to begin with, as it has already been demonstrated), they are not the right choice for me. Now I just need to get ICr to stop blaming myself, and hopefully I can move on.

[Jazzy]

So, currently triggered over (what I hope was) fireworks just a few minutes ago. Instant panic, and its hard not to think the worst. I know it was labor day yesterday, so they are probably just left overs. I am fine when it is expected and a decent number, but just a few really makes me wonder.



I slept in a few hours late today, probably to make up for the poor/disturbed sleep over the past week. While I wish I didn't sleep so long, I take it as a sign I'm more relaxed now. I've been a bit less stressed since last nights realization. There are still a couple of other unrelated things that are bothering me... mostly about a couple of companies trying to cheat me out of money. I really wish it was easier to stand up against blatantly illegal commercial behaviour. That's the world we live in I guess.

Anyway, feeling better about deciding not to call that organization again and trying to focus on that.

[Snowdrop]

I don't like unexpected fireworks either.

I'm glad you're feeling better. It does sound as though you had some sleep to catch up on.

I think I would have felt triggered by that organisation too. It makes me wonder if they are used to dealing with people who have ptsd, but not cptsd.

[Jazzy]

Yeah, that was probably it. I guess there can be a big difference sometimes.



My anxiety is high this evening... high enough my hands are shaking. On Monday I have a medical apt, but they left me a message yesterday saying they can't verify my coverage. I've already called to confirm my coverage, left a message, but no answer yet. The thing is though, that it is covered by govt. so I'm 120% sure the coverage is fine (I also verified it before booking the apt). I guess they just don't know what they're doing to charge it properly.

Anyway, with 48 hour cancellation policy, that means I need to either get it straightened out, or cancel the appointment tomorrow. Either way, I'm going to have to start a confrontation with someone, which has me upset.  If I do end up cancelling, I'll have to go elsewhere, which means waiting for a new apt, then more travel, which I'd rather not do.

I've basically been stuck on this all day. Hopefully it gets resolved tomorrow so I can move on.

[Hope67]

  to you Jazzy, I hope that things will turn out ok for your appointment. 
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Thank you Hope. I took sedatives today and made some phone calls, but I wasn't able to actually talk with anyone (just left messages), so its all still up in the air. 

[Jazzy]

Talked to some people today, lots of confrontation. Basically got to the point I didn't know what I was saying or doing anymore. Finally went for a shower and just stared at the wall for a long while. Not sure how I'm supposed to deal with this. Those who are supposed to help us disabled people seem to be the worst kind of people. I guess its easy for them to walk all over us. Its disgusting, really. At least no more confrontation till next week.

[Snowdrop]

Sounds like a rough day. I hope you're able to rest and look after yourself over the weekend.

[Jazzy]

Thanks, I've been trying not to cycle on it, but having limited success. I'm also trying not to imagine the worst, but these people are hostile and rude.

Mostly I wish that when I am treated like that, I could stay present and control what I say, and remember afterwards. Its so difficult to accomplish anything when I'm  so disconnected. If I wasn't so upset about it, I'd probably be scared. Who knows what not-me/me will do; its gotten me in trouble before.

[Blueberry]

Just want to wish you all teh best with this. It sounds a really difficult situation.  if it's good for you.

[Snowdrop]

Hope it goes better this week, Jazzy. Sending you support.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Blueberry and Snowdrop    Today I got a message letting me know that at least someone was working on the problem, and they would update me when they had more info. So, that's great! I was expecting to have to escalate the situation to get any results. I'm really relieved it didn't come to that.



This weekend I've been feeling a lot more like I did when I was younger. It is nice having increased energy and focus, but there are downsides as well. It is more difficult to get to sleep at night, much harder to eat. I could barely keep lunch down, and dinner came back. So, I'm going to go deal with that, I just wanted to post quickly about how I've been feeling.