Jazzy's Journal

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Jazzy

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Jazzy's Journal
« on: August 13, 2019, 11:19:41 PM »
So... historically, I haven't had a lot of success journaling, but I'm going to try again. Reading what others have written here has been immensely helpful to me. So, I hope that someone, some day, will be helped by something I write here. Hopefully, that will help me make progress with it as well.


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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2019, 11:40:22 PM »
The last few months I have actually been doing really well, compared to how I have been in the past. So far, I've been able to succeed at two of my recovery goals. Eating 3 meals a day, and sleeping through the night. On one hand it is so awesome that I've been succeeding with this on a daily basis. I've struggled so had for so long to get to where I am. On the other hand though, eating and sleeping are just basic requirements of life, and "doing them right" is something I imagine never even crosses a normal person's mind... so there's still a long way to go.

I read something a couple/few days ago about judging yourself based on how you feel about yourself, instead of based on what others think of you. Maybe this will be a good long term recovery goal, if I can keep my sleeping/eating habits regulated. The concept seems so foreign though. I understand it as a concept, but it doesn't seem real. Its like how I understand the concept that a star is actually the sun of another solar system. I don't have any first hand experience with our solar system (as I've never been to space), never mind another one... but I get the idea. Sure, its a great theory. But I'm not likely to be out in space any time soon, and the reality of judging myself based on my own feelings seems just as remote.

I think a good starting point is to "get over" feeling so much shame. I'm not really sure how to go about that though. Any social interaction puts me heavily on guard and anything even remotely resembling conflict triggers an EF. Most of the time I don't even really feel in control of what I say to others. In a difficult situation I usually cannot speak at all, unless I'm expected too, then all I can say is the briefest thing which I think is expected of me. This makes traditional therapy basically impossible. If I get upset and can't speak, then not much is getting dealt with. But, as the last "therapist" I saw said: "Well, you don't have a light over your head, I don't know when this happens." It seemed like a really rude and uncaring thing to say, but there is some truth to it. I almost wish I wasn't so good at hiding my feelings. Not that I do it on purpose any more, but it is just instinctual behaviour that was forced upon me when I was younger.

So maybe the first step is to keep control of myself. But how? How do you stop yourself from mentally checking out? I think other people talk about it as an out of body experience... but they say they see themselves and such. I don't leave my body like that, but I'm not really there in it either. I'm just gone. I don't know where. I think its a defense mechanism to make me think that whatever happened to upset me isn't really happening to me, because I'm gone... but I'm afraid that in reality it still is. My subconscious will still know and carry whatever it is. Well, I haven't figured it out yet, and it seems I won't figure it out tonight either. Anyway, time to do something else.

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notalone

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2019, 01:53:41 AM »
First, thanks for sharing your thoughts in a journal.

I'm sorry that the therapist was insensitive. I often dissociate: check out, can't talk. It is something I am working on, but it is a long processes. It is also common for those who have experienced trauma. My therapist can see it and recognize the dissociation. He will ask me; "Where are you?" "How much are you present?" I say that because the right therapist could be helpful to you if that was something you would want to pursue.

Checking out/being gone/dissociation is a defense mechanism. Helpful when it was needed.

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sunflower38

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2019, 02:22:12 AM »
Sometimes I find myself dissociating during a therapy session if we rushed into talking about something triggering. I find that it helps if I set up a specific session ahead of time (weeks in advance even) where we talk about one specific thing, and then I spend weeks just thinking a little bit about it on my own. This makes me feel like I have more control sometimes. Therapists aren't there to make you dissociate. You can take as much time as you need to talk about something, even starting surface level and slowly digging your way down is okay. If you don't know how to swim, being thrown in the deep end and expected to learn with no help isn't going to teach you how to swim. You gotta start in the shallow end, or even just dipping in a toe at a time if you need to.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2019, 12:05:54 AM »
Thanks for the replies. Hopefully in the future I will find more success in therapy, but I have no immediate plans. Being here has been the most therapeutic thing I've done.

So, I read a couple of the other shorter journals here for the first time ever, and now I feel like I'm doing this all wrong... I'm not being emotional or connected enough, on and on, but I think it is just part of the shame that I feel in pretty much everything I do. This being a public record is incredibly difficult. I always had to be beyond perfect, and while I don't have a rubric for this, I'm sure it is not perfect.

Anyway, I thought today I'd think/talk about agoraphobia. I quickly looked it up before I started typing this out, for fear of looking like I don't know what I'm talking about, and what do you know, I had the wrong definition. I'm sure I've seen it defined many times in many places though. Perhaps it has changed recently. English being a living language and all that. Anyway, apparently now it basically means that you avoid situations in which you may panic. I don't really care for this definition. That just seems to be a logical, natural way of keeping yourself safe. "Oh hey, going to the grocery store gives me panic attacks, I guess I'll stop doing that." Wouldn't you stay away from places where you tend to have panic attacks? ... I mean, wouldn't it be more of a problem to not have agoraphobia and throwing yourself in to panic attacks over and over again?

So I guess this is where exposure therapy comes in to the picture. My psychiatrist seems to think that the answer is that simple. Afraid of going outside? Just go outside more. Well, I've been going to get a cup of coffee from the store when I wake up, every day, for over a year now. I still hate it. Every day I'm afraid of going outside again in the morning. It has gotten easier to see the people working at the store, but that's about it. What gets easier is a very specific small part of the problem, when what I'm looking for is a generic/all-encompassing solution. Just going outside more doesn't do much, I'd like to actually recover and not have agoraphobia not have such bad reactions to people any more. I'm pretty sure exposure therapy like this just keeps it alive.

Anyway, the whole point to this is that it isn't really about me going outside. Its about encountering another person. Sure, I get lonely and need companionship like anyone else, sometimes desperately so... but it turns out that my most common trigger is a person. Nothing specific at all, being human is enough. What brought this whole rant up is that I caught myself hiding today, because my neighbour walked past the window when I was in view of it. So, clearly I don't feel very safe, even in the house. I'm not exactly sure how to tie this in, I'm not the best writer, but it connects with what I was talking about yesterday. About how any social interaction puts me heavily on guard and frequently triggers an EF/dissociation.

Its frustrating. I just finished a nice dinner. I'm sitting here listening to pleasant music, typing away, and petting my cat. I should be so happy right now, or at least content... but I just want to feel like its okay. But it doesn't feel that way. In less than 12 hours it will be time to go outside again.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2019, 12:02:34 AM by Jazzy »

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2019, 12:15:11 AM »
Its been a rough day today. A lot better than a rough day a year ago, or a good day 3 years ago, but still rough. A little while after coming home this morning I felt extremely depressed. Its not just feeling depressed though, I get so exhausted. I very nearly went back to the bed for the day, I was even laying on the couch, but somehow I was able to get up and keep going. This tiredness really bothers me. It is like my brain is doing everything I can to make me unconscious so I don't have to deal with how I am/am not feeling. I really hope I don't start having blackouts again.

Thankfully the depression lightened up somewhat after a couple of hours, but I'm still very "off" today. I double checked my medication, looks like I took everything properly. Maybe its a reaction to me pushing myself to be more productive lately. Its embarrassing to admit, but I am an extremely unproductive person. I don't really have any art skills to speak of (thanks M). I don't really do any crafts or projects, I just don't feel like I connect with anything, then its just junk messing up my house. Even fun things like playing a video game I'm not very good at. I just keep restarting the game over and over and over again, because it just doesn't feel like I did things right. No matter how many times I restart though, it never feels right.

Anyway, not really sure to describe how I'm feeling right now. My anxiety is higher than it has been lately for sure, but also somewhat depressed/not caring about, or wanting to do anything.. Waves of something keep hitting me. I'm getting really irritated at every little thing. A song started playing that immediately annoyed me, and I went to skip it, but then noticed I had it marked as a favourite... so my judgement must be really off.

Its disturbing though, these mood swings. Everything keeps changing, rapidly. Its very unstable. I don't know what's going on or why. That's the worst of all, when you're a stranger to yourself, when you don't know what's going on with yourself. Hopefully it passes soon.

...

Not at all how I planned this entry to go, but hey, that's life.

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Tee

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2019, 02:42:47 AM »
 :hug: maybe tomorrow will be better.  Hugs :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2019, 05:13:16 AM »
 :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2019, 12:35:20 AM »
Thanks for the hugs. Today has indeed been better; at least more stable. Just some of the usual disturbing thoughts , but they're much easier to deal with.



Today's rant is about IC/inners/youngers etc. I don't really know much about it, so if someone has some resources to share, I'd really appreciate that.



So, I don't really understand this whole topic. I never really got to be a child. I've been an adult since I was about 3 years old. I learned quick that I had to take care of myself, because no one else was going to. I rarely got to play with kids my own age, I didn't even get to go to school with the other kids or anything. This is when the first traumatic event (that I can remember) happened to me, hence how I learned I had to take care of myself.

There is one thing that I have experienced that might fit in to this category. I really don't know what it is, or what to call it. The lines seem very blurry on this whole concept. I think of it as a different/split personality though, and I don't think its a good thing.

When I was physically a child, and I was very sure there were no adults nearby that could see or hear me, I would act differently then I did normally. It was more confident, outspoken, and in charge kind of a thing, with a dash of "obviously not real" thrown in. For example, when I had to do physical labour, I'd pretend to be a machine. This other me soon began to not only speak and act differently, but took on different physical mannerisms, and a different name as well. Whenever there were no adults around, this is who I was. Normally (there were almost always adults around), I was the other me. The quiet, passive, shy, not wanting anything to do with anyone, me.

As an adult (physically), the "normal" me became more dominant until it had taken over for the most part. There does seem to be an exception though. When I get too close with someone (romantically involved), it has (so far) always triggered a long term sort of EF.... months, years, however long, lasting until a short time after the relationship ends. During this period, with person of interest, when no other adults are around, I am overtaken by the other me. A different name each time, but the same style of speaking, acting, immature thoughts etc., all markedly different than normal me. That other me feels so terrible. Always feeling hurt and jealous and despite the false appearance of confidence, totally submissive, as normal/real me has checked out for a long vacation.

So, anyway... I'm not sure how this all ties together. I've never told anyone that much about me and other me. I feel like I'm really missing out on this IC thing though, but I'm not even really sure where to start. As stated above, the only part of me that is other me, is the worst of me, which I hate. Hopefully I can learn some more on this matter.

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Tee

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2019, 01:54:37 AM »
 :hug: I think we all have different sides that developed to keep us safe at different times growing up.  they show up now in different ways that are not always helpful.  I think we can call them different things but ultimately they are us and we have to quiet the voices often by hearing them out first to help us heal.  I'm not sure if that makes any sense. If that doesn't disregard.  I'm in a slightly off place at the moment and am not sure I'm making sense.  :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #10 on: Today at 12:36:04 AM »
Not really sure what to write about today. I've been feeling pretty off. I didn't sleep well, and it was raining this morning so I stayed in bed extra late. I've been sleepy and have a headache all day. Mostly I just feel disconnected and alone though.

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Three Roses

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #11 on: Today at 12:37:39 AM »
 :hug: