Jazzy's Journal

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #60 on: September 11, 2019, 11:20:30 PM »
Feeling pretty much the same. Its hard to set time aside for doing things. I'm getting really caught up in whatever I'm doing and losing track of time. I've been keeping food down, but eating less. Maybe that's a good thing. We'll see.

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Hope67

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #61 on: September 14, 2019, 06:42:02 PM »
Hi Jazzy,
Glad you're able to keep the food down.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #62 on: September 18, 2019, 10:17:33 PM »
Thanks Hope, I appreciate it.  :hug:

I've been feeling out of control lately. I'm mostly depressed, always feeling tired, even though I sleep a lot. Its so difficult to get anything accomplished. It has really interfered with my daily routines (like posting on here, and sleeping/eating properly), which is very frustrating. I hope it passes soon.

I also hope everyone else is doing alright. Sorry I haven't been posting much, I'm not really communicating with anyone right now. :(

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #63 on: September 21, 2019, 12:56:07 AM »
Feeling not quite as bad today, but still feeling almost dazed and wondering what I am/should be doing. Also feeling somewhat lonely. I've had a couple good social experiences today, but feel bad because I'm always rushing them to be over. I wish I didn't do that so much. Although, I guess it makes sense, because I feel really uncomfortable with another person talking to me. Only afterwards do I realize how well it went.

On the plus side, I used this time in which anxiety/panic isn't bothering me to make some difficult phone calls. I'm still trying to figure out medical coverage for my appointment. It took about 8 calls, but finally someone is looking in to it again. Hopefully it will be cleared up next week.

From what I've read, I'm not the only one, but it feels like this weekend is going to be long and drag on. I'm not sure what I'll do to pass the time, and I don't feel that basic security/safety/okay-ness.

Hoping things improve tomorrow.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #64 on: September 21, 2019, 03:43:22 AM »
i hope things get better for you asap, jazzy.  i hate being in a funk like that - sometimes it seems like it's going to drag on and on, and then it's over.  such a weird dynamic, but i have no doubt you'll get thru it sooner rather than later.  hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.  i got my flu shot today, so i've got that funk thing going on right now.  ugh!

one thing i absolutely hate are those phone calls.  good for you for getting thru them and on the right track!!!   :applause:

sending love and a hug filled with support and caring.   :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #65 on: September 21, 2019, 11:49:04 PM »
Thank you sanmagic. Its a really basic thing, but it is helpful to hear that it will end. A lot of the time it seems like it will stay this way forever. I think today is a bit better than yesterday, which was a  bit better than the day before, so I'm happy for progress. I hope you feel better from your flu shot soon. I'm not exactly sure what that is like. Don't tell anyone, but I've never had a flu shot.  :whistling:



So today I watched the first video in that summit that Hope posted the link for. At first I was really resistant, partly because I'm always resistant when someone keeps trying to rope me in to paying just $x for whatever package they're offering. A big part of it was that as soon as I heard her speak, it reminded me so much of M. M is the fakest person I know. She lives in her own little delusional world, where she's wildly successful and well off, when she is neither in reality. Later in the day I was trying to figure out why this bothered me so much about M, and I guess its because that you can't have a real relationship with someone like that. You certainly can't have a good relationship with someone like that, who will use and abuse anyone and everyone to keep their little fantasy as intact as possible in their mind. Anyway, I'm sure this lady is not nearly as bad as M, but it was difficult to get past.

Her guest however, was really nice to listen to. First of all, it was amazing hearing someone talk who actually knew about dealing with trauma, compared to all the therapists I've seen who ... really don't have a clue about trauma specific therapy. It makes me feel hope, not so much for me, but for others, that at least some people out there are good therapists. It was really informative for me. I didn't really know anything about the IFS. It was helpful to hear some examples of what was involved with that.

As I wrote before, I didn't believe I had any of these parts. Now that I know what they are, I'm trying to make peace with that idea. I never have thought of them as part of me, but they are there, and they aren't part of someone else, so they must be part of me. Its amazing to me how fully disconnected I am from them, though. Maybe that means there's a big opportunity for healing; at least I hope so. But for now, just trying to get used to the idea they even really exist within me.



Anyway, for just a bit of silliness:
I loved these marquees in the 90s!

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Hope67

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #66 on: September 22, 2019, 06:20:02 PM »
Hi Jazzy,
Just wanted to pop by and say that I'm glad that you were able to watch that talk, and that you found it nice to listen to him.
Wishing you the best for this week.
Hope  :)

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #67 on: September 23, 2019, 12:49:53 AM »
Thank you Hope. I'm glad you stopped by! Have a great week yourself. :)



So today I stayed in bed until about 11:30, just felt too depressed to get up. After that though, I managed to make it through the day, so huzzah for that. I even washed and dried some laundry, and swept a bit.

I also talked with M today. Its been a few weeks, so it went on for a while. She says she worries about me and wants to help, so that's nice. But then she went on for half an hour about how she was going to make everything better. To me, her plan did not seem in the realm of possibility, and I was concerned about how she stays in her own little world, believing things like that. I was just dissociating through most of it, a common thing when I talk with M.

It leaves me with a lot of mixed feelings. Its nice to have someone to talk to, but it also takes a lot out of me. I imagine it can't be all that good for me either, with all the dissociating I do through it. I'm not sure how to deal with it better though, I just kind of shut down.

I also listened to the talk on the trauma summit when I woke up. It was good, I'm glad I watched it. However, it really highlights the fact that I'm not currently receiving any therapy, or really anything else that will help me. I'm going to make some inquiries to see if I can work something out, but I haven't had much success with what I can afford. Hopefully something works out.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #68 on: September 24, 2019, 01:18:35 AM »
good luck to you with your search for a t - i really hope you find a good one.  i can relate - the last one i had, who said she was familiar w/ c-ptsd, i ended up firing cuz she was incompetent!   i'm just glad this forum is here.

very glad you're feeling a bit better, too.  one foot in front of the other.  it's all we can do, but it's also a lot.  every movement counts, and gets us just that little bit closer to where we want to be. 

i also related to the idea of not being familiar w/ those 'parts' of me.  i'm only beginning to do that.  it's kind of fascinating, in a way.  hope has done a lot to show me what it looks like.  best to you with all of it as you continue on.

sending love and a hug filled w/ okayness.   :hug:


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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #69 on: September 24, 2019, 11:47:00 PM »
Thank you Sanmagic. I'm following up on a new lead, but it may take a while. We'll see what happens, hopefully something good. Sorry to hear you've had trouble finding a good T as well. I'm glad this forum is here as well. I am so thankful to everyone who participates. It has been a tremendous help to me along my journey, and I'd be lost without it. Thank you everyone.  :grouphug:


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Sceal

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #70 on: September 25, 2019, 06:03:11 PM »
I hope you find a therapist that will help you, and that can give you the right tools for you to fight the dissociation. It's a handy tool to have, but it can also be quite destructive.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #71 on: September 25, 2019, 11:50:42 PM »
Thank you Sceal. I appreciate that. :)



Today was markedly better than the last little while. I woke up at a decent time, and although I did have a nap, I was awake and more alert over all. I have a new appointment booked for Friday, so hopefully that will finally be done with.

This evening I've been dealing with feelings of jealousy and being bitter. It seems like everyone else has so much more than me, things, money, opportunity, friends, family, help, therapy just everything. Anyway, I'm trying not to wallow, so I won't carry on about it.

Really hoping I can get some good sleep tonight and awake tomorrow morning.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #72 on: September 26, 2019, 11:21:11 PM »
Sleeping didn't go too well. I was pretty emotional last night, though I'm not exactly sure why. I know I'm stressed about my appointment tomorrow, so hopefully after that things will calm down. I must say though, that I'm glad I'm not so depressed at the moment. It does seem I'm jumping from one extreme to the other, and not very regulated.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #73 on: September 27, 2019, 12:18:02 AM »
hope your appt. goes well.  and, i get it about those feelings of kinda being by yourself with all this. 

stress can do that to you - make us jumpy and emotional and just messy.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you!  sending love and a hug filled w/ stability.   :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #74 on: September 27, 2019, 02:37:42 PM »
Hope it goes well, Jazzy.