Jazzy's Journal

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #75 on: September 27, 2019, 10:40:02 PM »
Thank you Snowdrop and Sanmagic. Thanks for the stability hug, those are a lot of help.  :hug:

My appointment went pretty well. It was a bit of a struggle, but I made it through, and I had a lot of awareness about what was going on with my body and mind, so that was really great. Unfortunately, more problems with the billing, so I have to go back tomorrow and sign new papers. Hopefully that will be the last of it, again. But, for now, it is Friday night, so I'm doing my best to relax.

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Hope67

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #76 on: September 28, 2019, 06:33:39 PM »
Hi Jazzy,
I hope you're managing to relax, as you hoped to do on Friday night.  I know it's Saturday now, so I hope the weekend is ok.  I'm glad that your appointment went pretty well.  That's good to hear.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #77 on: September 29, 2019, 12:45:48 AM »
Thank you Hope. The weekend has been ok.  :hug:



Today was a tricky day, but I feel really good about making it through. First of all, there was a local parade (which goes right past my house), so it was very loud, and there were so many people everywhere. I especially didn't like strangers parking in my driveway, but they left after the parade, so they were not parked for too long.

After the parade was over, I had to go get those papers signed. Again, it was a bit tricky, they had to redo a couple of things. This also involved a bit of walking in the rain. Anyway, I left the medical center in a good mood. The person working there was extremely nice about everything. The toughest part I think was being on the bus, especially with all the people today. I kept my arms crossed, kind of hugging myself, and made it through that too. The rain was pretty light, so it was actually nice. It kept me cool while I was walking.

When I was home, I decided to treat myself, for going out two days in a row, and keeping myself together both days. So I went and got a latte, and some cola to go with dinner, and some candies that I really like... and obviously I've really overdone it on the sugar today. I feel like I'm teetering on an edge. Things seem to keep going okay, so that's good, but I don't really have any confidence that they will continue to do so, and am struggling a little with the minute-to-minute in each day.

So now I have eaten the entire bag of candy. Maybe I won't sleep so well again tonight. I'm hoping that will regulate soon, and I can start sleeping through the night again. I'm not really sure what's going on with that, it feels out of my control. Just taking one day at a time. Things could be a lot worse, and I'm glad they're not. :)

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notalone

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #78 on: September 29, 2019, 02:04:46 AM »
Good job going out two days in a row and keeping yourself together. A victory worth celebrating.  :fireworks:
« Last Edit: September 29, 2019, 06:19:45 PM by notalone »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #79 on: September 29, 2019, 04:13:56 PM »
i know i have trouble w/ too much sugar and sleeping well.  sometimes it's like i can't help myself, and i overdo, and then pay a price.  it's getting to be less and less, thank goodness.  hopefully you'll find that soon as well.

congrats on going out, taking care of yuck paperwork (i hate that stuff), and doing it as well as you could, even w/ the sugar.  you got thru it, you'll deal with the results later, and maybe next time it'll be only half a bag instead of a whole one.  sending love and a hug filled w/ progress, not perfection!   :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #80 on: September 29, 2019, 11:29:48 PM »
Thank you notalone and sanmagic!  :hug:

Quote
... progress, not perfection!

I really like this. I feel like it should be a motivational poster or something similar. They are certainly words to live by for me.



I was going to say that today was mostly uneventful, but that's not quite true. Even though I slept through the morning instead of through the night, I was feeling better this afternoon than I have in a week or so. I even sang along to some of my favourite songs I had playing today. I'm still on the emotional side, so some of it was half-crying/half-singing, but that's okay. :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #81 on: September 30, 2019, 06:31:18 AM »
i learned about 'progress, not perfection' at a 12-step meeting.  it made a lot of sense for me, too, so i'm glad to pass it along and that it was good for you, too.

i usually don't sing unless my heart is like, so i tend to look at it that way.  the idea that you could sing thru your tears shows me some happiness mixed in there, and i'm glad to hear it for you.  love and hugs, jazzy.   :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #82 on: October 01, 2019, 11:03:14 PM »
That's very true sanmagic, thank you!

Today was F's birthday, so I sent him a text message, but haven't gotten anything back. He likes to say I love you, but not act like it. Anyway, the last couple of days have been calmer. No singing or crying or anything like that. Now that its after dinner, I am feeling somewhat low; having a hard time connecting. I didn't even get to all the posts on here. Really thinking about asking my psychiatrist for some more modern mood stabilizers, hopefully they will work better.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #83 on: October 03, 2019, 10:50:38 PM »
I feel like I don't have a lot to say right now. I'm just kind of feeling my way through each day, not really sure what is going to happen. Its been going okay for the most part though.

I ran in to one of my new neighbours today. Its the first time he's actually said anything to me. I asked how he was doing and he said "fine, you?". That's all, but at least that's something. ICr keeps telling me he doesn't talk to me because he doesn't like me and so on, but I keep telling myself that I don't actually know that, maybe he is just shy, and/or has social difficulty as well. He hasn't been a bad neighbour at all, so I'm trying to keep it positive.  :Idunno:

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Hope67

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #84 on: October 04, 2019, 01:28:15 PM »
Hi Jazzy,
Just wanted to send you a hug, if that is ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #85 on: October 05, 2019, 10:42:39 PM »
 :hug: of course Hope, thank you! :)

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #86 on: October 07, 2019, 11:03:19 PM »
I was feeling pretty good today, so I decided to go out at the last minute and get something nice for dinner. This was far more difficult than I was expecting due to anxiety. There are a lot more people around in the evening than in the morning.

No one really talked to me or anything though, so I was trying to figure out why I felt so anxious just because there were other people around. The only thing I can really think of is that there is some sort of automatic association ingrained in me from all the things I was taught as a child. Even though I don't believe that stuff any more, maybe that reaction/instinct is still there. I wish I could change it.

It really upsets me and makes me angry to think about it. Basically my parents and family taught me that pretty much everyone in the world was (potentially) possessed and controlled by evil spirits who were trying to get power over me as well. This was really reinforced with all my symptoms being blamed on demonic influences as I was growing up. Seriously though, how terrible of a person must they be to teach children that monster were real, running the world, and out to get you via everyone you see? How can they not realize this would cause problems? It really makes me angry. Especially because it was so overpowering for me. I wasn't allowed to go to school or anything like that, I lived in this environment all day, every day, with no escape.

I just want to make the point that I've been fairly calm the last few days, but I am really emotional about this. I would say around 8 of 10, maybe 9, it is taking over my thoughts and affecting my evening routine.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 11:09:14 PM by Jazzy »

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notalone

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #87 on: October 08, 2019, 02:38:33 AM »
Jazzy, absolutely horrible the way you were raised. I hear your anger. Makes sense that your feeling upset is at an 8 or 9. Sending you care.

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Sceal

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #88 on: October 08, 2019, 05:11:42 AM »
I agree with notalone. Terrible way of being raised! It is good, I think, that you are able to be angry with them!

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Jazzy

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« Reply #89 on: October 08, 2019, 10:23:36 PM »
Thank you notalone and Sceal.

This is a difficult topic for me still. I've only recently really started coming to terms with it, and I have mixed and confusing feelings. Part of it is guilt, and there's a lot connected with that, but I'm trying to bring myself to a point where I can feel like I should have been treated better, without feeling guilty.

Another part of it, is that anger like this is really new to me. In the past, I used to get so angry and was violently out of control because of it. I would go berserk, shaking with fury, and blind with rage. Literally, visibly shaking, and I've walked face first in to walls I couldn't see, because I was so mad. Now I take mood stabilizers, and it is much better. For the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to understand this concept of healthy anger. I never believed that it was a real thing.

Anyways, thank you again. I really appreciate your support.