Jazzy's Journal

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Hope67

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #90 on: October 11, 2019, 10:30:52 AM »
For the first time in my life, I think I'm starting to understand this concept of healthy anger. I never believed that it was a real thing.
This sounds positive.   :hug: to you Jazzy.
Hope  :)

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #91 on: October 12, 2019, 11:19:38 PM »
Thank you Hope  :hug:



So, I think I'm struggling, but keep telling myself that I'm not... and hopefully being a little more honest about that will help.

I'm having a hard time sleeping through the night, and waking up in the morning. I've only forced myself out of bed in the morning once or twice this week. Sleeping through the morning helps me feel so much more refreshed and alert/awake.

I'm not feeling too great throughout the day. Usually when I wake up late, I feel rested and well for maybe an hour. After that, it is a struggle to keep myself from "checking out".  I'm not really sure why though. Maybe it is depression, or a mild EF or something, but it is not good. I usually feel better around dinner time for an hour or 2 as well, but that's about it. This also makes me wonder about mood swings. I think its normal to feel differently throughout the day, but to go from good to bad to good to bad each day seems like a lot.

All this is basically in an optimal environment. Just me home alone with the cats, about as stress free as you can get. It makes me wonder how badly I'd feel if I had more responsibilities and had to go out of the house.

But, I'm not feeling terrible, all the time, so that's good. I feel like I'm just accepting how I'm doing as good, because it could be worse, and I'm so used to being worse.

Also, its been tough to post here lately. I'm not really sure why. But I made a few posts today so  :cheer:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #92 on: October 13, 2019, 09:44:05 PM »
hey, jazzy,

i have a similar pattern w/ sleep and being awake.  my feeling good times are usually right after i wake up, then they can go downhill until after i take a nap - that can be anytime during the morning or later in the afternoon.  sleep is my best friend, and i take it when i can get it.  i also feel better usually during the evening, then later i can feel not so good. 

don't know why this happens, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.  i do know that times now when i'm more stress-free for several days, the sleep doesn't seem to be as much of a problem, but that's only come about at this stage of my recovery, so i think that may have a significant effect on it.  maybe as you continue to recover, you'll find something similar happening.  i hope so.  but, it surely wasn't always like this for me.   ???

sending love and a hug filled w/ refreshing sleep whenever you want it! :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #93 on: October 15, 2019, 02:35:59 AM »
*****************



Thanks Sanmagic. You are right, there is a big connection between sleep and stress. I was really hoping I was done with sleeping problems, but I guess I'm not so lucky.



Wow, what a confusing day. Today is thanksgiving day here in Canada, so we had a thanksgiving at my sister/BiL's place. The whole situation is rather foreign to me, so I'm having a hard time sorting out my thoughts and getting the words down.

I feel like a misfit in the family. Out of my siblings, I'm the only one not married, and only male not working. Its like they all have normal lives, and I don't. I'm just kind of going through life without really living it. But even when I was working, most of the time it felt like my life was really wrong, and there was certainly something wrong with me. I think what I'm looking for is stability, to feel safe and confident, and for most of my life I haven't had that.

Another thing was that BiL1's mother was there, and BiL2's father was there. These people, these parents, were there with us, and they're just normal people. That is so bizarre to me, for a parent to just be a normal person, and to actually be able to have any sort of relationship that is not completely based on lies. But its a nice thing, to be able to interact with these people without having to watch my every word and action... and to not feel so criticized. Its great, but it again underscores how different myself and my parents are.

This brings up another major point, was that my anxiety was extremely low all evening. Not only were there a lot of people (for me at least), there were a couple of people I've never met before... and my anxiety was minimal. I don't even understand how this is possible. To top it all off, BiL's father is a recently retired police officer. I have difficulty with any authority, and especially with police. They've treated me badly in the past. I'm surprised I could say 2 words to the guy, but we ended up sitting beside each other for dinner and games.  My anxiety is worse just leaving my house, than it was at my BiL's tonight. I guess these people, this extended family, is just so nice, and real, it made me feel comfortable and safe. What a foreign feeling. Its perplexing.

I know I touched on this before, but tonight has made me realize how much I think the worst of people in my day to day life. I think that because M was the only person I really spent time with throughout my childhood, I expect everyone to be like her.... that and all the nonsense she taught me. The very few friends I've had in my life have mostly been like her too, though not as bad.  What a horrible thing. I can't even find the words to express how terrible this is. The problem is that this is all outside of the realm of conscious thought. Its not that I think people are mean (I do, but that's not the main problem), its that I was raised to believe that everyone was my mortal enemy (and worse) until proven otherwise. I really don't know how to change that kind of belief, that was enforced through my entire childhood, it is so integrated... I don't even know if its possible.

I feel like I haven't written a lot of emotion in to this post, but I'm trying to keep it from becoming too long. I want to try to do justice to what a profound, revealing evening it has been. Experiencing something that contradicts everything you were raised to believe, is quite something... especially when its in a good way.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #94 on: October 15, 2019, 02:50:31 AM »
So, M gets her own post, because she's so different than the extended family.

Everyone hates M and openly talks badly about her. Even my BiL's parents talk badly about her. I guess they're actually somewhat of a normal family, and their kids talk honestly to them, so they have reason to.

Anyway, M called me yesterday and talked for a short while, and asked for her kids to all video call her from our family dinner tonight. Classic M. Why does she have to interrupt our evening to cater to her wants? What does she expect us to do, tell the rest of the family to go away so we can video call her? How rude and inconsiderate. It wasn't good enough talking to her the day before? This is a perfect example of why everyone hates her (but pretty mild to be honest, being selfish is the least of her problems).

Of course, when she asked yesterday, I had to lie through my teeth, tell her I would try to remember to call her, but my memory isn't so good  :blahblahblah: . So, she sent me a text message this evening when I was at dinner to remind me. But instead of being an honest person and just asking us to call her, she writes "I hope one of my kids will remember to call me on thanksgiving!"

I just want to scream at her * you, you selfish, manipulating *. No one is calling, because everyone hates you, because of how you treat us. But, of course, I can't do that. She will act all hurt and upset about it next time I talk to her, and I'll have to apologize, make excuses,  :blahblahblah: The charade goes ever on. I'm so tired of living the lie.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #95 on: October 15, 2019, 02:19:38 PM »
you know, jazzy, i am so glad for you that you were able to experience an evening feeling safe and comfortable w/ nice people.  it's so refreshing, on one hand, but, like you say, can feel confusing as well when we're not used to it.  i hope you get more of those in the future.

as for your M,  :hug:  sorry you have to live w/ that dynamic.  not fun.

here's to many more thanksgivings w/ nice, safe, comfortable people!   :thumbup:  love and a hug full of them.   :grouphug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #96 on: October 16, 2019, 12:25:33 AM »
Thank you Sanmagic. You are so sweet.  :hug:


I realize I've been writing a lot lately, and I can't blame anyone for not wanting to read it all. The point to all this today, is that I thoroughly believe M is crazy (not mentally living in the same reality as the rest of us), and I don't know how to handle it. I feel very torn between her being a victim, and a source of my trauma.

So, at BiL's yesterday, we watched a movie called Fracture. SPOILER ALERT!

In this movie, a man is convinced that his wife and daughter were kidnapped by the hospital for organ harvesting, and he fights to save them before it is too late. At the end of the movie, you find out that none of it is real. The man's daughter fell and died, and he accidentally killed his wife only a minute later. Anyway, they say that the reason for his psychosis is because trauma sometimes forces you to believe something easier than the truth.

The movie wasn't very realistic. I've literally been thrown out of the hospital by police before, so I know he wouldn't have gotten very far, and not been able to do half the things the movie shows. I also didn't like how they blamed his psychotic episode on fresh trauma. Sure, people have hallucinations and such from trauma, but I've never heard of anyone having such a full psychotic episode for over 12 hours, as in the movie.

Anyway, I think it bothers me so much, because it reminded me of M. I have so many mixed feelings about her, that I'm nowhere near to sorting out. Her condition isn't as serious (she doesn't see dead bodies as living people for example), but it is similar in how she lives in her own world, like a working insanity. Her memories don't match anyone else's, and challenging them with evidence will just put her in to a suicidal episode. She doesn't really understand the reality of how finances work, and will use and abuse any and everything/everyone she can find to keep up a lifestyle she can't afford. Her financial plans for the future are also entirely unrealistic, but of course, you can't tell her that.

The thing is, I feel bad for her. I don't think she's malicious, I think she's crazy. From her point of view, if you take everything she says and does in to consideration, I can see why she acts the way she does. From her perspective, she is actually a really nice person, who is struggling with a lot of difficulty. I expect that if she saw reality like the rest of us, she would be okay. But, she doesn't see reality like the rest of us. She's so far in to her own world, there is no helping her. But, no one else is in her reality, and that disconnect causes so much trouble. She treats others terribly, causing a lot of hurt to her family, based on her believing things and remembering events differently than everyone else.

Another thing, a point in her favour I guess, is that she is the one who filled out my disability papers properly. I was in such a terrible place, I was powerless to help myself, and the only reason I'm not homeless or worse right now, is because she helped me. I feel like I owe her my life. I don't know how to handle this.

A big part of me wants to go NC with her. I think it would be a lot better for me. The truth is, I'm scared that I won't be able to survive without her though. On top of that, this will throw her in to a suicidal episode again, there will be so much drama, and everyone who doesn't know better will believe that she's the victim. I know this will happen, because both of my sisters have tried, multiple times. I also did when I was a teenager, and it is hard to keep up NC throughout the years. I long for a normal family, and I guess there's no hope of that with no contact. She will also be very hurt if I do, she won't understand at all.

As I've said before, my relationship with M is really fake, based on lies, made necessary by this disconnect from reality. I really hate having to act this way, but its the least painful option (at least for everyone else) that I can see. Its really difficult, and I'm really torn. But, that's what you're supposed to do with a crazy person right? Nod and smile and play along, until their attention goes elsewhere?

It would be great if there was some way to get her help, but that would take a lot of really intensive care by professionals, and our society isn't terribly considered with helping people out. Certainly, none of us can afford that sort of thing. I hate how the most important thing on this world is money. So, we suffer.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 12:27:17 AM by Jazzy »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #97 on: October 16, 2019, 05:14:49 AM »
deciding to go nc w/ someone can be a very difficult decision.   same w/ deciding to stay in a relationship w/ someone who isn't healthy.  you're the only one who can determine what's right for you, best for you, healthiest for you.  among other people, i had to go nc w/ my oldest d, which was the very most difficult choice i've ever made.  it's going on 5 yrs., and there's not a day that goes by that i don't wish it could be different.  but, it can't, not unless she wants to work on it, which she doesn't.

so, my heart is with you as you wrestle w/ this.  i think we've all been damaged somewhere along the way.  the difference, to me, is what does someone want to do about it?  my d chooses to remain in a victim role, cruel and mean.  there is nothing i can do to help that, altho i tried for 30 yrs.  the people on this forum choose to do the work necessary to be different people, caring and kind people.  i think all we can do is recognize what's best and healthiest for us, and do what we can to do that as much as possible.

it's different for everyone.  i don't think there's a right or wrong way to do this.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support, whatever your decision. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #98 on: October 16, 2019, 08:04:49 AM »
deciding to go nc w/ someone can be a very difficult decision.   same w/ deciding to stay in a relationship w/ someone who isn't healthy.  you're the only one who can determine what's right for you, best for you, healthiest for you.  among other people, i had to go nc w/ my oldest d, which was the very most difficult choice i've ever made.  it's going on 5 yrs., and there's not a day that goes by that i don't wish it could be different.  but, it can't, not unless she wants to work on it, which she doesn't.

so, my heart is with you as you wrestle w/ this.  i think we've all been damaged somewhere along the way.  the difference, to me, is what does someone want to do about it?  my d chooses to remain in a victim role, cruel and mean.  there is nothing i can do to help that, altho i tried for 30 yrs.  the people on this forum choose to do the work necessary to be different people, caring and kind people.  i think all we can do is recognize what's best and healthiest for us, and do what we can to do that as much as possible.

it's different for everyone.  i don't think there's a right or wrong way to do this. 

 :yeahthat:

Could it be an Inner Child who doesn't think you'll survive?

I remember wondering how I'd manage this and that without my parents too the first time I was merely considering going LC about 20 years ago. I'm now exceedingly LC - only allow occasional email contact - and I manage. I think it's the 'trauma bond' that keeps us small and feeling incapable, but don't quote me on it. Sending compassion   :hug: :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #99 on: October 16, 2019, 10:54:15 PM »
Hi Sanmagic and Blueberry!  :hug: Thank you for the hugs, and thank you for sharing. This is such a heavy topic. I'm sorry things haven't gone better for you. I wish we could all be a part of our own big happy families, like the Waltons or something... but that's just a fantasy I guess. I'm sure family is supposed to be a large part of a person's life, and a big support, so it makes sense to miss/want that. I really appreciate your replies. Sometimes I think that people here must see me as a horrible child. I don't think I am, but I think it might look that way without knowing everything that has happened, and continues to happen.

You might be right about an inner child feeling that I can't survive without her, Blueberry. I'm not very good with that kind of thing. I think its more than that though. I have been homeless more than once, and needed to be rescued by family members. I'm also not too good at looking after myself. My sleeping schedule is a mess, and this is the first year I've made myself a regular 3 meals a day. I keep thinking that, what if I get worse again. I guess that's a problem in itself, but I don't feel confident in myself, at least not yet.

I think this is a really big decision, and there are a lot of factors involved. I should really sit down and write everything out, and try to understand what I'm feeling, and what is influencing me. I also want to talk to my sisters before doing anything drastic. But, its something that really weighs on me.



On to more mundane details. Yesterday, I had a pounding headache for almost the entirety of the day. It couldn't end soon enough. I've been getting headaches a lot recently. I think I need new glasses, I'll have to get that done soon.

Today, I didn't have much of a headache, but ICr has been giving me a hard time. Its been a grey, rainy, dreary day. ICr always gives me a hard time after social activity, so its expected. I don't think its justified to worry about anything, just that I'm not the most eloquent person. Maybe I shouldn't have said this, maybe I should have said that etc. I'm sure everyone else forgot all about it, but ICr doesn't follow logic like that. Anyway, it hasn't been too bad... mostly just an annoyance. Hopefully it passes soon.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #100 on: October 17, 2019, 05:31:52 AM »
I've not been on the forum as much over the past few weeks, but I've been just been catching up on your journal and wanted to send you a hug of support. :hug:

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation, but I sometimes find it helpful to go Gray Rock in some relationships (I think that's the term). I don't talk about anything exciting that's been going on or that I might feel vulnerable about, and I become as interesting to the person as a gray rock. It makes me feel a lot safer, and means there's nothing for them to latch on to. There's more about it on Out of the Fog. It might not be at all relevant to you, but I thought I'd mention it in case it is.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #101 on: October 17, 2019, 10:49:25 PM »
Thank you Snowdrop; and welcome back!  :hug: It sounds like that is what I'm currently doing now. I only share things that aren't very meaningful, and not much at that. Mostly she just talks on for half an hour or so about everything going on with her, then lets me go. Its not too bad usually, Its just upsetting when she tries to force her way in, like at thanksgiving, or when shes involved with youth. That upsets me a lot.



Today has been a good day!  :cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer:

I slept through the night, woke up at a decent time in the morning, and didn't have much of a problem with anxiety/depression, or even feeling unsafe, which is a usual thing for me. Interestingly, its not to say that it was a great day. I was actually a bit short tempered and kind of grouchy a few times, but it was just about silly little things. It wasn't that huge struggling to get through the day thing it always is... and now that I have a good day, I can tell I have not had very many since that episode started a while back. Really trying to talk myself in to asking for different medication that hopefully will help more.

Huzzah for good days!  :cheer:

EDIT: Just looking back through this journal, I guess its been since the end of August that I haven't been doing great. I'm surprised at how often I'm "not good". I really need to start setting my standards higher. Just because I survived through another day, doesn't mean I should be satisfied with my days being that way... survived. I don't remember emotion very well, so I seem to think everything is fine by default I guess.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2019, 10:56:00 PM by Jazzy »

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Blueberry

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #102 on: October 18, 2019, 10:05:30 PM »
You might be right about an inner child feeling that I can't survive without her, Blueberry. I'm not very good with that kind of thing. I think its more than that though. I have been homeless more than once, and needed to be rescued by family members. I'm also not too good at looking after myself. My sleeping schedule is a mess, and this is the first year I've made myself a regular 3 meals a day. I keep thinking that, what if I get worse again. I guess that's a problem in itself, but I don't feel confident in myself, at least not yet.

I'm sorry Jazzy for assuming something based on my own experience. In your case it does sound more of an existential fear since you've been homeless before. fwiw despite being VLC I'm still getting financial support from FOO, otherwise things would be a lot harder. I see the financial support as compensation.

I think this is a really big decision, and there are a lot of factors involved. I should really sit down and write everything out, and try to understand what I'm feeling, and what is influencing me. I also want to talk to my sisters before doing anything drastic. But, its something that really weighs on me.

I agree it is a big decision - not to be taken lightly. I've been working on it and fine-tuning for about 20 years now -  been NC with one FOO mbr, LC with others, got back into contact, gone LC again, getting more and more VLC. Each time I manage to remove myself more emotionally-speaking e.g. doing more Grey Rock or Medium Chill ttps://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill it's big progress. It sounds as if you have a fair idea what you're doing anyway :hug:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: on sleeping through the night!

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #103 on: October 18, 2019, 11:51:03 PM »
 :hug: Oh, Blueberry, please don't apologize. I appreciate the input. It was just a suggestion, a question. The best we have to go on is our own experiences, and sharing them is how we can help each other expand our thinking. I have a really hard time sharing appropriately. I take a lot of time to try to word things well, but it always seems that I don't do things as well as everybody else. The point being, its really understandable how its tough to try to help someone, but not dictate your own reality on to them. So, no worries at all, I appreciate you speaking up.

Not that there is anyway that compensation could ever make up for the past, but it is nice you are getting something practical from them to help. Its probably best to, like you say, fine tune contact as time goes on. Its like re-evaluating a system over time, makes sense to do so. I appreciate the encouragement saying I sound like I know what I'm doing. :) Really, I'm just trying to do the best I can.

Anyway, sent my youngest sister a message about getting together to talk about this, so that's a step forward.



Today I slept for about 15 hours. I hate sleeping that long, but apparently I needed it. After waking up, I noticed that I'm still holding a lot of tension and stress in my upper body.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Jazzy's Journal
« Reply #104 on: October 19, 2019, 11:40:27 AM »
hey, jazzy,

i hear you on the sleep thing - i've had many, many days/nites like that, still do (i'm up at 4:30 this morning)  luckily i can sleep during the day to make up for missed hours at nite.  it's usually hit or miss, tho.  nothing regular.  i will say, tho, that sleep has become more consistent as time and healing have gone by.  i don't doubt the same will happen for you eventually.

as far as surviving days, sometimes i think surviving a day is a really big deal.  there are a lot of us who haven't made it that far.  altho our ultimate goal is more than that, i do think that we can give ourselves credit for making it thru another day, and celebrate the days when we feel even better than having done so in survival mode. like the day you're talking about.   :cheer:  may many more of those keep coming until there are more of them than the other kind!  huzzah, indeed!  sending love and a hug full of good days. :hug: