Jazzy's Journal

[Jazzy]

Unfortunately, that is the reality here. There are no doctors that run on time. They often work over 12 hours a day. On top of having his own practice, my psychiatrist is the head of the psych ward at the hospital, so he has to deal with emergencies there as well. I look at it as a trade-off. I regularly get to be treated by the department head, but in exchange he is behind schedule a bit more than another doctor. Also, to be honest, I'm lucky to have a psychiatrist at all. There are a lot of people around here who need one, but don't have one. There's just not enough to go around.

Thank you though, I do appreciate your words, and you caring like that. I do see what you are saying, and I would agree if there wasn't such a lack of doctors here, but I think everyone is doing the best they can, and more than can be fairly expected. Its more of annoyance than a problem for me.

Its only been a couple of days, but this new medication is really making a big difference. I don't feel so bad about writing it out. Well, I typed something up. I kept it short and to the point. Basically just explaining that I need to improve myself, and our relationship needs to change for that to happen. I don't want to send it tonight though, as it is Halloween, and she will be having a good time handing out candy to the kids. I don't want to ruin that unnecessarily.

Although, I'm a little bitter that she never let me participate in Halloween as a kid. I remember that we had to keep the curtains closed, and the outside light off, and ignore any knocks at the door. Obviously, she feels different about it now, but its another part of childhood she took from me.

[Jazzy]

I emailed what I had typed out to M earlier today. I haven't heard anything back yet. I'm a little anxious; mostly just not knowing how she's going to react, I think. It isn't too bad though. Hopefully I'll find out soon enough, then I won't have to wonder anymore.

[Not Alone]

 

[Jazzy]

M sent me a short message back saying she was mostly confused. Its better than the putting herself in the hospital reaction, but I don't think its a good one either. I thought I was pretty clear, but I guess I'll have to talk to her and find out what she's confused about. Boy, this feels familiar. Her getting confused when you tell her something realistic.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you there Jazzy. My FOO especially parents react similarily. They pretend not to understand, mostly by claiming I explained myself badly. Or they accept what I said and later 'forget' the boundary I set.

[Jazzy]

Thanks Blueberry. I've had those exact same problems with M before.



I haven't talked to M yet. I want to get it out of the way, but it has been a rough couple of days. I think its based on my not sleeping very well. My psychiatrist did warn me that changing medication would disrupt my sleep schedule for a bit. He gave me sleeping pills if I really need them, but I'm trying to stay away from them. Hopefully adjustment won't take too much longer.

[Jazzy]

Talked with M a bit this evening. I'd say it went pretty well. She seems to be calm. She was confused, because she saw our childhood differently (of course), but she apologized for how I feel multiple times. I didn't talk about any specific examples though, as I can't see any positive side to doing so. I have no expectations that she will agree with me on any of it, I'm doubtful she will even be able to see my point of view. So, I don't want to upset her and make her feel bad needlessly.

Although, on the other hand, maybe we do need to talk about the specifics to really heal properly. I'm not sure, but if so, I think we can do that a bit at a time, instead of all at once. I guess I'll see how things go, and just try to be open and honest in the future.

For what its worth, I felt less bad talking to her today than I have in quite a while.

[Snookiebookie2]

Kudos to you Jazzy for talking to your M.  Those kinds of conversations are always going to be difficult and triggering. Well done.

[Snowdrop]

Yes, well done Jazzy. Talking to your M sounds like a Big Thing.

[Jazzy]

Thank you guys. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but still not easy.



Something that has been on my mind since talking to M the other day, is the difficulty I have in communicating, in general. I noticed that when I told her I was having a lot of headaches, she didn't say anything nice like "sorry to hear that" or "I hope you feel better soon". So, I think this is where I get my lack of nicety from, and I really don't like it. Maybe that's part of why I have such trouble talking, because I don't like what I say (or don't say).

Its good that here I can take my time to type things out, and tell myself to go back and "be nicer". Even still, I have a lot of difficulty finding the right thing to say. I think most people make better posts than me. I just hope I don't upset anyone.

[Blueberry]

I think most people make better posts than me.

Maybe that's your ICr speaking? I seem to remember reading posts of yours to me which were caring and compassionate. 

And for having been able to talk constructively with your M. That says a lot about your nicety imho. Because lack of it can be anger-triggering for parents who were neglectful or abusive in our childhoods.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Blueberry; that's very sweet of you. 

I remember that I've mentioned this before. It is very frustrating at times. Every day I read all of the posts on here, and a lot of the time I can hardly think of two words to say. I see other people write out long, relevant posts, and I wonder why I'm stuck with nothing. When this happens day after day, it seems to define me. The thing is though, I'm just not in a very good place mentally when this happens, even though it seems to be most days.

Today was a pretty good day. Its amazing what a difference it makes, and today, I wrote out quite a bit compared to what I usually do.   Usually I can't really connect with anything, or feel emotion with what I am reading. It worries me, makes me think that I'm a bad person... a person with no empathy. Maybe its just depression though. Maybe it doesn't matter what you call it. I wonder how much this has to do with my social difficulties. Anyway, I guess there is no changing it (at least right now), I'm just really thankful to be feeling positive today.

[Snowdrop]

I can relate to what you're saying. I read posts here every day, but some days I don't feel I have the right words to respond, or even words.

I don't think this happening defines you. It can be a symptom without it being you, if that makes sense.

I echo what Blueberry said. I think of your posts as being caring, compassionate and supportive.

[Three Roses]

Every day I read all of the posts on here, and a lot of the time I can hardly think of two words to say. I see other people write out long, relevant posts, and I wonder why I'm stuck with nothing.

This is me, too. I sit staring at my screen, trying to think of something to say that is supportive, helpful...when I do reply, it can take several attempts to get a reply written that doesn't sound terse or snotty. I marvel at the eloquence and warmth of others and feel inadequate.

To me, your posts are always insightful, informative, caring, and helpful. I'm glad you're here. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, jazzy,

i've found your posts to me to be so very supportive and just wonderful!  i've loved hearing from you - you've helped me keep my own wits about me.  i think you're a very valuable member of this community.

i know i'm one of the ones who writes a lot sometimes, but honestly, i'm often nervous, afraid, even, that i wrote too much or the wrong thing, was too preachy or know-it-all sounding.  i believe that if we respond to others from the heart, we're going to be ok.  my problem comes when i get into my head, and there have been a lot of times i've deleted posts cuz of that.  there have also been times when i haven't, but thinking about it later is when i get scared.

i don't think most of us have had a lot of practice communicating within the realms of healthy relationships, how to respond, what to say that is supportive and kind.  one thing i've discovered on this forum is that people have been able to speak their truth if they feel that something in a response is amiss for them, and it's gotten sorted out in a respectful manner.  just seeing that has been helpful to me, too.  like you, i haven't had a lot of empathetic feelings most of my life, but i'm learning more about that from being part of this place.  i don't think being non-empathetic makes you a bad person, just someone who hasn't had a lot of empathy shown them, or hasn't had a chance to learn what it is and how it plays out.

and, kudos to you for speaking up to your M.  very courageous, and warrior spirit showing.  dealing w/ foo is rarely easy, but it sounds like you did a really good job saying what you did.   i think your concerns for what might come next, and when, will resolve themselves when you're ready.  it'll come to you.

sending you love and a hug filled w/ restful sleep!