Jazzy's Journal

[Blueberry]

Usually I can't really connect with anything, or feel emotion with what I am reading. It worries me, makes me think that I'm a bad person... a person with no empathy. Maybe its just depression though.

Maybe it's cptsd?

Not feeling emotion can be a protective mechanism for us cptsd-ers. It certainly doesn't make you a bad person or a person without empathy! I often have trouble connecting words and emotions, although I've got a lot better at it since being on this forum There are also certain things I simply cannot write that others do on here e.g. "I'm praying for you" or "lots of love".

I actually wish I could write posts that get to the point, nice and succinct the way some people manage on here, but so far I haven't managed!

[Jazzy]

Wow, thank you everyone. You're all so supportive, and I appreciate each one of you, and every post here. 

Its really interesting to hear us all say we are not confident in our posts. If nothing else, we're all in good company.

I've been sitting here over half an hour thinking about all this, and I think I'm overthinking it, so I'm going to leave it for now.

[Jazzy]

Just want to make a note that I've been feeling better recently; my depression hasn't been so bad.

But on the other hand, sleeping schedule still isn't great, and I have a lot of resistance to leaving the house. I'm not sure why, as my anxiety hasn't been too bad when I'm out, maybe its just what I'm used to.

I went out shopping today, and it was nice. Its cold and snowy, which looks nice and is refreshing, but it's not too cold yet, just a bit below freezing. For some reason, I have good emotional memories around this time of year (new snow). I don't have any events to go with the feelings, but its nice anyway.

[Blueberry]

 

[Jazzy]

I started keeping an emotional log a little over a week ago. So far things seem to be mostly good. Its nice to have that record to be able to look back to. Now I need to get my sleeping sorted out.

[Sceal]

Emotional logs are good! I have one on my phone that asks me to check in twice a day.  Also good to hear you're doing well emotionally

[Jazzy]

Thanks Sceal!

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".

[Aphotic]

Thanks Sceal!

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".

Hey Jazzy, I find myself feeling a bit like that too sometimes - just off in some other world for a bit. Balance is important but also if you don't need to rush then taking your time before steadying back into a rhythm is good too!
Glad to hear the medication is settling for you.

[Snowdrop]

Just wanted to say hello . I hope your sleep patterns are settling down.

[Sceal]

Thanks Sceal!

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".

Glad to hear you are more adjusted to the medication.
I hope you get to sleep better before the new years, I know it's not long off, but it's still a long time to go without proper sleep.

I think sometimes it is good to isolate yourself, if you're doing it for the "right" reason. Or rather, as long as you're not withdrawing from company due to anxiety or depression, but more because you need a breather.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
I saw you're giving yourself a 'vacation' so I hope that is restful for you.  I have been on a break too, and it was restful for me.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[Jazzy]

 First off, sorry I haven't been active here very much. I didn't plan to be gone so long, but I've been having difficulty lately.

This medication I'm on now is very new, and it helps with the depression a lot, but  of course there are repercussions to go with that. I find that I use a tremendous amount of energy when I'm depressed, just to make it through the day, and complete very basic tasks. When depression is considerably lessened, that energy goes in to whatever I happen to be doing. So I get really focused and caught up, losing track of time, and other things get neglected.

On top of that, feeling more, means stronger anxiety, so as well as being anxious all the time, it feels like if I don't stay totally focused and engrossed on whatever I'm doing, something very bad will happen, so it is difficult to live a balanced life, and be at all social.

I tried messaging a few people on my phone yesterday (mostly family), and they were just brief conversations, but I felt it was a positive step. Recently my sister contacted me and said none of them had heard from me for a few months, and wanted to make sure I was okay. Anyway, last night was horrible. I had night terrors/flashbacks all night long, the kinds of really screwed up dreams that I had when I was a kid.

Its also difficult trying to keep my sleeping on track. I've been keeping my emotional log, along with what time I wake up, so I can actually see patterns, and try to see what works best, as I experiment with various methods to try to sleep well through the night, and wake up in the morning. I've been tracking it for over 3 months now, and haven't had much success with "sleeping properly".

Its really frustrating to live with a crippling condition like CPTSD. No matter what I do, I can't seem to live a normal life, (and for some reason I really want that, and am unhappy with myself otherwise). Daily routine is a mess, getting necessary things done is so difficult, and often gets pushed aside, social activity is basically non-existent, sleeping well seems impossible.

Anyway, I don't want to end on a bad note, so I will say that I'm happy to at least have a life (yay for being alive), and I'm happy the depression isn't so bad right now.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Glad you're ok.  I am glad to hear that your depression isn't so bad right now.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

It's good to hear from you, Jazzy.

[Not Alone]

Jazzy,

So glad to hear from you. I have thought of you and was wondering how you are doing. You were missed. I'm sorry things have been so hard. Your night last night sounds like it was awful. I hope you are able to sleep peacefully tonight.