First off, sorry I haven't been active here very much. I didn't plan to be gone so long, but I've been having difficulty lately.
This medication I'm on now is very new, and it helps with the depression a lot, but of course there are repercussions to go with that. I find that I use a tremendous amount of energy when I'm depressed, just to make it through the day, and complete very basic tasks. When depression is considerably lessened, that energy goes in to whatever I happen to be doing. So I get really focused and caught up, losing track of time, and other things get neglected.
On top of that, feeling more, means stronger anxiety, so as well as being anxious all the time, it feels like if I don't stay totally focused and engrossed on whatever I'm doing, something very bad will happen, so it is difficult to live a balanced life, and be at all social.
I tried messaging a few people on my phone yesterday (mostly family), and they were just brief conversations, but I felt it was a positive step. Recently my sister contacted me and said none of them had heard from me for a few months, and wanted to make sure I was okay. Anyway, last night was horrible. I had night terrors/flashbacks all night long, the kinds of really screwed up dreams that I had when I was a kid.
Its also difficult trying to keep my sleeping on track. I've been keeping my emotional log, along with what time I wake up, so I can actually see patterns, and try to see what works best, as I experiment with various methods to try to sleep well through the night, and wake up in the morning. I've been tracking it for over 3 months now, and haven't had much success with "sleeping properly".
Its really frustrating to live with a crippling condition like CPTSD. No matter what I do, I can't seem to live a normal life, (and for some reason I really want that, and am unhappy with myself otherwise). Daily routine is a mess, getting necessary things done is so difficult, and often gets pushed aside, social activity is basically non-existent, sleeping well seems impossible.
Anyway, I don't want to end on a bad note, so I will say that I'm happy to at least have a life (yay for being alive), and I'm happy the depression isn't so bad right now.
