Lost and Lost It

[Not Alone]

Today was one of those days where every task felt difficult. Put laundry in washer.  Run an errand.  Send a text.  Make a phone call.  And so forth. . . Throughout the day I worked on grounding.

Then I had to go to a wake. It was about an hour away to an area I wasn't real familiar with. I drove and drove. Got lost. GPS froze. Drove for about two hours. Stopped and asked directions. Was told, "that's a long way from here." Obviously not helpful, but I was at the edge and would have burst into tears if I asked anyone else. Got into my car, started crying, sobbing. I'm going home. I didn't know where I was. I was like a little girl lost in the grocery store, past the point of panic and looking for mom; to the point of sitting in the aisle sobbing, except I was driving. I called my husband. (He's out of town.) I was able to tell him what street I was on. I didn't know what direction I was going. He asked me where the sun was. He was able to give me some direction. (I was at least heading the right way.) Still crying, called a friend. She gave me more direction. I did get to the funeral home. By then I was together enough to put on the face and interact. Didn't stay long. Made it home.

I think the most upsetting part is that I fell apart. Usually, no matter how awful things are on the inside, I manage to put up a front and do what I need to do. I might be pretty un-functional, not together when I'm home, but not when I'm out. The whole experience was scary.

[Tee]

It is ok to fall apart from time to time. You are not a lone there. I think it is probably actually pretty " normal" emotional response when someone is slightly overwhelmed and technology goes on the fritz, and you feel lost and late and frustrated especially when trying to get to a funeral.  Which are already emotional.  I'm sorry for your loss.  Big hug  and give yourself some grace your allowed to be fall apart are days like today.  It sounds like it was a rough one. I wish I could give a shoulder to cry on.

[Not Alone]

Tee, appreciate the hug, shoulder, and encouraging words.

[Blueberry]

  I've fallen apart like that before too, notalone. Also when travelling, so you're not alone in this case. 

It sounds like a really tough day. I'm sorry. But you managed well in the circumstances I think. You got to the funeral and you got home again. No traffic accidents. You didn't end up dissociated on the psych ward. I don't want to downplay your terrible day at all but point out the resilience I see in you. If that's not useful, then ignore.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi notalone,

You made it 

You got through a very tough day in very trying circumstances, and you made it home, safe and sound   

[Scout]

We all want to think that we're the only ones holding something together. If anyone judges you, they're really judging themselves, and all we can do is hope they find the compassion for ourselves that we want for ourselves, too.

You fell apart. Okay. This is the experience of being human, and for us, the experience of being a trauma survivor.

Plus, you lost it at a wake, not the checkout aisle at K-Mart. (Which would also be understandable, and I'm sure happens all the time anyway.)

Cut yourself more and more and more slack. Stress happens and builds up and demands release. It's okay.

(PS, getting lost is definitely one of my "lose it" things. I almost started crying real bad when I got lost on the way to a doctor's appointment, and they couldn't give good directions. It's very flooding and alarming. Travel in general can be a lot. Take the resilience part out and celebrate that instead. You did it! You found the place and felt your feelings and came here to express all of it! You get many gold stars.)

[Jazzy]

Notalone, sorry to hear you had a rough day. No doubt it was worsened by the loss, and the upcoming wake.  As the others have said, you did a good job... you identified the problem, took steps to correct it (phone calls), and overcame the challenge.

What you said at the end really hit me.... about how it was scary to lose your composure while out of the house. It really is. The house is a relatively safe space, but out in the world it is a whole other thing. Sometimes we don't get to pick where things happen though, and its okay that we need to react, wherever we are. Hopefully, you can take some comfort from the fact that things worked out in the end, and maybe feel not so scared.

[MoonBeam]

Notalone, just seeing your post. Big hugs. I'm so sorry. Right there with you, with all of it. Getting lost, knowing I have to be somewhere, somewhere that I know I have to put on the armor and present like I'm fine and strong.  All of it, good fodder for a melt-down. 

I wanted to say that I think it showed great bravery and resilience that you allowed yourself to feel the fear and sadness and all the feels, asked for help, persevered and still went to the wake! I think you did amazingly well for so many difficult things happening all at once, all things very triggering. Just a hard day at home is enough to rock my boat.

Hope you are feeling better and haven't been hard on yourself. So much respect for you. 

[Bach]

Getting lost freaks me out, too. Also, getting confused by highway interchanges and taking the wrong lane, or when I make a wrong turn because the GPS confused me or went out at the wrong moment. Getting overwhelmed by stuff like that, that doesn't seem like it should be that big a deal can make me feel so broken.  But it's such a big complicated threatening world in all kinds of ways, that we do our best to navigate. And navigating it you are, as safely and successfully as you can, even though it always doesn't feel like it. Your strength is beautiful

[Not Alone]

Thanks to each of you for hearing me and for your encouraging words. I wanted to respond to each of you, but yesterday I found out that a friend who was very dear to me passed away in March. Then today I heard from a close friend that the doctors can not treat her cancer and she will receive hospice care. So even though I'm not responding specifically what each of you said, your words and care are a comfort to me.

[Tee]

  I'm sorry for your lost! 

[Snowdrop]

Oh no. I'm so very sorry. Here for you. 

I didn't respond to your earlier post as I didn't know what to say. I just sat there reading it in recognition as I've been in situations like that too, and in those situations I felt overwhelmed and out of control. The key things for me are that you were able to ask for help, you kept going, you made it there, and then you made it back home to safety. I think you're amazing. 

[MoonBeam]

Notalone. I'm so sorry for your loss. And for the difficult journey your friend is on. I lost a friend too to cancer last spring. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm thinking of you and yours.

[Bach]

Notalone, I'm thinking of you and sending love and warm thoughts 

[Scout]

Notalone, I'm sorry for your recent news. I hope you're offering yourself lots of care, kindness, and compassion as you continue on your journey. Take really, really good care of yourself, as best you can.