Dog Park Dilemma

[Just Hatched]

I want to be able to go to the dog park, sit on one of the benches by myself, relax and enjoy watching my dog play with the other dogs, but I can't.

Mostly everyone else huddles around in groups, talking to each other, often completely ignoring their dogs. It seems like that's normal human behavior, and I'm not normal. I don't want to appear abnormal, or unsociable, so I force myself to do what I don't want to do, so that I can appear more normal, so that I can escape from feeling uncomfortable, from feeling like I don't fit in, from feeling like I've been excluded from the group. But I don't want to be part of those cliquey little groups, so I'm confused.

I don't care where snooty woman with too much make-up went on her vacation. I don't want to hear about how someone got drunk on the weekend, not interested in gossipy small talk, or bitchy stories, its like being back at high school.  I don't want to feel obliged to laugh at jokes or stories which aren't funny to me.  I don't want to listen to long winded, boring monologues from people who seem obsessed with the sound of their own voices.  I just want to relax and watch my dog playing, but everyone else seems to have this other agenda, which I don't understand.

I'm not unfriendly, I will acknowledge people and say hello, if it seems appropriate. I don't mind exchanging a few comments with someone, and will ask a relevant question or two if something interests me, but being part of a small group of people who are engaged in casual conversation causes me incredible anxiety, it's like my brain shuts down. But being on the outside of those groups feels worse,  panic starts to arise. I remember being exactly like this all through high school. I would get bullied sometimes being part of a group, some of my 'friends' were mean,  but I was terrified of not being part of a group.

Thinking about it now, it was the same in my family. I guess I was the scapegoat and was often bullied and humiliated, and sent to my room alone if I tried to stand up for myself... banished from the family, ignored and shamed.

I can't believe I'm still having this problem as an adult. I've started avoiding taking my dog to the dog park, because of my problem, and now I'm feeling guilty about that because unlike me, he's very sociable and loves going there.

Any kind words of wisdom, ideas or suggestions would be much appreciated.

[Tee]

  I think taking your dog to that park to watch your dog play is a legitimate reason to go.  I wouldn't start conversations with strangers either, sure I'd say hi and be friendly should someone say something to me, or possibly comment on thier dog or something as the dogs are playing.  I wouldn't start down personal conversation or even polite conversations about the weather though unless I knew the people. Not why I'm there. 

Not sure that helps but I feel for you. 

[Jazzy]

Sounds like a rock and a hard place situation. Do you know why you feel the need to be part of this group, when it sounds like you don't really want to be? Maybe you can explore that idea and find something helpful. I hope you find some peace with the situation, however you decide to deal with it. Take care!

[Just Hatched]

Thank you Tee for replying, it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Sounds like a rock and a hard place situation. Do you know why you feel the need to be part of this group, when it sounds like you don't really want to be? ...

Yes, this is why I'm finding it so confusing. I think it may be triggering emotions from earlier times, when I was bullied and ostracized, but felt like I needed to be part of a group for survival. Firstly from my FOO, and then at school.

I really don't want to be part of a group, or even try to make friends right now, I'm just not ready. I've only just started getting back out into the world after 6+ years of hardly being able to leave my bedroom. But I have a harsh inner critic which is a combination of both my parents yelling opposing things at me a lot of the time, some of which is that I 'should' talk to people and try to make friends.

But like so many here, I've had bad experiences in relationships over the years, and now find it difficult to trust anyone. Getting a puppy felt like a safe first step in trying to reconnect and form a healthy kind of bond again.

My daughter bought her own home and moved out about 18 months ago, so I was living alone for the first time in 30 years. It took a couple of months to adjust and feel ok about it, I actually started to enjoy my space, but I felt lonely at times.

I've had so much trauma, loss and difficult experiences in my life, its hard to know what is contributing to what, and if my behavior is healthy or unhealthy.

I imagine hearing advice about therapy, doctors, medication, just getting out there, pushing myself etc. blah blah. Advice from people who don't understand. I've tried it all and mostly have ended up worse off than when I started, being let down and harmed more by people I have turned to for help.

I'm actually surprised I'm still alive, still trying, but I don't have much energy and surviving through each day, doing the basics takes all the energy I have.

The only person I completely trust now is myself, and when my self trust starts to crumble, it gets very frightening.

I was just starting to feel safe again, but the dog park no longer feels like it's a safe place to be and I don't know whether its good to avoid it or not. I'm still very vulnerable to even slight increases in stress and get set back very easily. I hate this non-linear recovery. Those steps backwards feel like going right back to the beginning and all the hard work was for nothing.

My brain stops working properly, I forget everything I've learned, forget all my coping strategies, can't think rationally and feel like a helpless, abandoned infant. I don't even recognized that I'm having an EF, until hours, sometimes days later. I'm wondering if I'm ever going to be able to recover from childhood wounds and learn how to live well.

The shame of it all makes me want to isolate and posting here isn't easy, my impulse is to ... 

[Not Alone]

You are brave to post. Glad you are here and not disappearing.

[Rainagain]

Could you make the dog park sessions shorter? Go at times when there are fewer people or when certain people who make you especially uncomfortable wont be there?

More frequent shorter sessions might be easier.

Take a newspaper, do the crossword and make the puzzle answers your topic of conversation, take a book, wear headphones and after an initial friendly wave and smile keep to yourself.

Or engage with your dog instead, do training such as recall and send as it's good to train this in a distracting environment such as around other dogs.

Being friendly but clearly occupied might reduce the social strain to bearable levels.

[Tee]

  it's hard for sure don't disappear though we see you and feel your pain.  I like rainagain's suggestions of maybe trying a less busy time at the dog park or plan to spend a short time there interacting with your dog.  Maybe that would be at least done baby steps go there with a specific purpose. Just throwing out ideas. Breaking the Negative thought patterns that we tell ourselves to keep ourselves stuck are so ingrained they are hard to change but not impossible at least so I'm told by my T.  Keep working at just hatched one step at a time.

[Three Roses]

Man, do I ever relate to this. Not the dog park situation, but the simultaneous feelings of wanting to engage and wanting to isolate.

I have a harsh inner critic which is a combination of both my parents yelling opposing things at me a lot of the time, some of which is that I 'should' talk to people and try to make friends.

As far as suggestions: Maybe start slowly working on the inner critic, not at the park and not for long periods of time, maybe in the comfort and privacy of your bedroom or another place you feel safe. Do you have a copy of Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving"? The section on thought stopping and thought correcting was helpful to me. http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

One of my first therapists had me take a sheet of paper and then write down the unwritten, unspoken, dysfunctional rules of my family (every family has them - don't cry, don't tell, etc) and then rewrite them, interpreting them into functional, healthy rules for how I wanted to see my life.

I hope my suggestions are helpful. Best wishes to you!

[Jazzy]

I understand it is frightening, and how sometimes it feels like surviving takes all the energy we have. You're doing that and more though. You're here, sharing and engaging, and you're looking to improve yourself. You're doing great!

There's some good suggestions here. I think, like Three Roses says, working on your inner critic will be helpful. In the meantime, just do what you can handle and keep working at it. Take care!

[Just Hatched]

  Thanks everyone for your understanding and thoughtful responses. There's so many great ideas here, practical ones and suggestions related to further insight and healing. This forum is like the warm, supportive family I never had 

[Tee]

 

[Three Roses]

This forum is like the warm, supportive family I never had 

I feel the same 

[Ambassador]

I can relate to this. Recently I moved into an apartment with a roommate who has a dog, and a dog park maybe a third of a mile walk away. When I go I try to go at times there will be less than 5 people: enough for the dog to have others to entertain him, but not so many owners I am likely to be engaged. On some days I'll tolerate small talk (my job has given me enough experience I can do it enough to get by), but generally I lurk in the back or walk around the edges of the park with him. When I really dont want anyone to talk to me I'll use my phone or have headphones. I consider a social success for myself; I'm in proximity to others and can talk to them if I want, but dont have to. Honestly I dont care for small talk with strangers anyway so I usually dont engage.

In Buddhism, its encouraged to face fears. But it's also specifically instructed to do so at a comfortable pace, not forcing it. I've come to see this is beneficial, and make a point not to push myself to go or talk if I'm dreading doing so. It's a bit of a balancing act, but it sounds like you're already making a lot of progress.

[Gromit]

Dog parks sound like playgrounds! Being back in a playground with my children before and after school was the same cliquey arena, so triggering, I was even part of one group until someone turned on me and I was bullied, again, as an adult!

I must admit I am lucky, I live close to fields and a river and I walk my dog mostly there or around the streets and park, plus he is not the sort of dog to let off, so, in the fields I maybe have a long training lead. I do talk to dog walkers but it is mostly one-to-one as we walk in the same direction and the dogs walk alongside, I have got to know them, most are much older than me, must be the time I go out, after the school run.

What I did in the playground when I was bullied was wear sunglasses and my ear buds, even if you are not listening to anything, as I do actually talk to my dog, but it helps to make it look as if you are happy in isolation.

Of course I could not change the times I had to take my kids to school, you may be able to change the time you go to the dog park.

Good luck, being able to be out with your dog should be healing.
G