Flashbacks

[holidayay]

I'm having a really tough time of it since yesterday and really feel like I need an outlet for all the mess in my head right now. I feel full-on like my child self; helpless, in despair, panicky, depressed and filled with dread.

I get very easily triggered when someone isn't being soft enough in their approach to criticise me. Yesterday, at work, when I did my first assessment of a patient in hospital. My supervisor wasn't happy with it and made assumptions that I hadn't bothered to even talk to him (which I'd spent half an hour doing) and briskly said I'd just used his old notes. I froze up and didn't even defend myself. I started panicking and my heart was pounding - because at home, no-one cared what your defence was if they decided to attack you. She then continued to say I needed to ask him certain questions which got me irate enough to argue that I HAD and she demanded to know where I'd written it, so I showed it to her. She didn't apologise or admit she was wrong. This kind of attitude REALLY riles me up and triggers me no end. Since then, I got home yesterday and been lying around, miserable, with constant flashbacks and when I DO sleep, my dreams are about the flashbacks and narcissistic people.

Other triggers are when I have to admit to someone that I need some help/made a mistake and they get impatient with me. Yesterday was horribly triggering for me. I lost my bleep at work and was told to tell the same supervisor. It was written all over her face how irritated she found that. Then she asked: 'how did you lose it?' and i found that so nerve-wracking....the point is, its lost, if I knew the answer to that question, I probably wouldn't be in this situation without my bleep unless the answer to that question was I'd got caught up in a robbery and they'd decided to steal my bleep or something.

I'm praying for a bit of relief today, the flashbacks feel thick and heavy in my mind. 

[holidayay]

I want to try writing out some of my flashbacks, in an attempt to maybe get them out of my head and send them off somewhere else. I'm not sure if this deserves a trigger warning or not?

It feels like every area of my life has been affected, and has some kind of trauma memory, still unhealed, attached to it.

Holidays.
Holidays were horrible. I'm having flashbacks to when mum overly strict mum, who used to not even let us out of the house/see friends and was generally against the idea of us having any type of fun - suddenly granted me permission to go on holiday at 16 with my older sister, who she used to despise the most. I guess it was because she wanted to know that I was there as a buffer, keeping an eye on my older sister, who was never afraid to go against my mum and do whatever she wanted, which used to make my mum rage beyond belief. My sister has sociopathic tendencies - she gets by in life by targeting people to use and abuse.

On the one hand, I was happy to go on holiday - finally - but on the other, I felt sick that I'd been tasked with accompanying HER, of all people. The trip was horrendous. My sister targeted a rich, obviously desperate man as soon as she could when we were there. She laid it on thick with him and put on an act so convincing, even I was shocked and believed she had changed into becoming a loving, thoughtful, considerate person. The rest of the trip was about using this guy as much as possible for money, lifts and whatever else she wanted. I was just a side piece then. He took her jewellery shopping and she'd brag to me about the rings and other jewellery she got. I still remember the ring - it had a dangly chain on it and was beautiful. I felt sick watching all this and wanted no part of it. she lied through her teeth to him. And I was just there, supposed to stay quiet and do everything she wanted. I felt helpless. The helplessness is the worst thing - i believe its this that is at the root of trauma. I couldn't say anything because she had a temper so ginormous, which knew no bounds, that I knew she would have no qualms about raging in a public place and possibly even attacking me physically.

After a few days of this misery, we were at a mall, and they had indoor snowboarding. I really wanted to do this, instead of being the silent sidepiece to their fake-love show. I got angry and couldn't control it. I told her she was selfish and i wanted to do what I wanted for a change. She raged and then put on crocodile tears in front of him before marching off, leaving me alone with this random guy, who I wanted nothing to do with. He tried to reason with me and at this point, i lost it. I felt so sorry for him, being convinced of her lies. He was talking about how special she was and that he was even thinking of marriage (he was an Arab man and i guess their traditions make quick marriage not so strange a thought). I told him the truth about her. I told him she routinely uses men and that what he was seeing wasn't the real her. I made him promise not to say anything, which he did.

The next day, I got fed up and decided since the trip was a right off anyway, I wasn't going to pander to her whims anymore, and would just stay inside the hotel by myself whilst she went with him. It was so horrible. I felt so alone and afraid and all i'd wanted was to finally have fun on holiday like all my friends and other 'normal' people seemed to do, instead of the daily trauma i faced back home, living with a narcissistic mother and variously affected other siblings. I was so angry, upset and felt like i was just not worth the kind of happiness and normality other people experienced and I was kidding myself to ever believe i would be.

I remember the paris hilton perfume that was the scent of the room - it was a bottle my sister had stolen from back home and had sprayed everywhere, and proudly showed me the day we'd arrived.
i remember the noise of the construction workers which seemed to be everywhere outside the hotel window. The many faces of labourers from South east Asia. Several times, two male labourers holding hands and one female couple. This puzzled me in a place like Dubai, as I'd been told they were very strict on conservative values. My sister - who 'ascribed' to these conservative values when it came to other people's sexuality - filmed them and told them it was wrong. Pointing to them holding hands to demonstrate what she was disapproving of as they couldn't understand English. The audacity.

She came back to the hotel later that day, showing off the jewellery he'd bought for her.
I remember her lying there in her bikini and I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. But I knew I couldn't. Only dark humour to lighten the mood would prevent her from inflicting more misery on me with her rages. So I made some stupid jokes, something about her looking like a chicken when she hugged her knees (don't even ask).

The day we left, I was over the moon. We got back home, and i remember calling my younger sister and telling her what an outrageously horrible time it was, and how shocked i was to see the act that my sociopathic sister put on.
We came home to more arguments. My sister was wearing ripped jeans and my mother raged at the sight of this, before my brother chimed in. The arguments became so boisterous, and so the regular panicky, helpless feeling came back again. My brother swore at my sister and she stormed off out of the house. He was angry the rest of that day.

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

Sounds like an absolute nightmare.

[Three Roses]

You were strong and brave to go up against your sister like that, so bravo!  That kind of standing up for what is right takes real guts. It's admirable, to me.😊

Working under a triggering supervisor is its own little h-e-double hockey sticks.  I took notes on a former supervisor's behavior (many years ago) and kept them at home, away from his snooping. I felt this was a way of sort of "hedging my bets" if anything was ever brought to HR - because I know how I freeze up in circumstances like that. (The notes did come in handy, down the road, and I was glad I had them for my own reference.) Standing with you in this, holidayay.  if it's okay

[holidayay]

You were strong and brave to go up against your sister like that, so bravo!  That kind of standing up for what is right takes real guts. It's admirable, to me.😊

Working under a triggering supervisor is its own little h-e-double hockey sticks.  I took notes on a former supervisor's behavior (many years ago) and kept them at home, away from his snooping. I felt this was a way of sort of "hedging my bets" if anything was ever brought to HR - because I know how I freeze up in circumstances like that. (The notes did come in handy, down the road, and I was glad I had them for my own reference.) Standing with you in this, holidayay.  if it's okay

Thank you for your sweet reply  I rang the number for a support group who said they are on hand 24 hours if I need to speak to someone, and they were great. Said the same thing as you re: taking notes on a supervisor's behaviour in case it persists and I'll need it somewhere down the line. So I wrote it in my diary.

Thanks everyone else for replying, support means so much right now 

[Jazzy]

What a nasty situation. Its great you were able to speak to someone, and have written things down though. Hopefully things improve moving forward. Take care!

[holidayay]

What a nasty situation. Its great you were able to speak to someone, and have written things down though. Hopefully things improve moving forward. Take care!

Thank you! I feel better today. I made brownies yesterday night and they've set wonderfully overnight. Little things eh...

I'm just grateful today at least, I have some relief from all of 'it'. Its all baby steps isn't it..

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
Glad you're feeling a bit better, and I hope you enjoy those brownies.  I wish I could have one as well.  I bet they are delicious.
I can't say much more than that now, as I am getting ready to go out, but I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[holidayay]

Hi Holidayay,
Glad you're feeling a bit better, and I hope you enjoy those brownies.  I wish I could have one as well.  I bet they are delicious.
I can't say much more than that now, as I am getting ready to go out, but I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

Thanks Hope. Wish I could give you and everyone else here a brownie - we all definitely deserve one. They're definitely the best brownies I've tried - got the recipe from the bbc website and its my go-to thing for a yummy treat 

Managed to get more sleep too. It was littered with dreams and kept waking up but after months of barely any sleep, this is definitely a step forward.

Does anyone else feel a bit...vulnerable/exposed after posting here about their deepest things/talking to others about it - things we've held onto for years because we never learnt to trust that people wouldn't blame us/get angry/shame us? It helps to be talking about everything but a few hours later, my system kicks in that I will receive a reply from someone that will shame me or have a go at me and it makes me feel so panicky. Nobody has responded like that, but I guess its still an in-built system in me 

[Three Roses]

Does anyone else feel a bit...vulnerable/exposed after posting here about their deepest things/talking to others about it

Yes, absolutely. I think I've been a member here a little over 3 years now (idk for sure bcuz I freaked out and deleted my first profile while in a horrible flashback). It took me two years before I was able to share some of my background. I was so afraid of not being believed, or triggering someone else, or having my experiences and pain minimized.

This, I think, is what happens to us when our abusers minimize the impact of what they've done to us. Comments they make when confronted are along the lines of -

   Why are you so upset?
   You don't know how lucky you are!
   That never happened to you.
   You're making things up.
   Other people have it much tougher than you.
   You had food and a roof over your head!
   I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
   If that's true, then....

We learn that others are: Not going to believe us; going to tell us to be quiet about it; going to try and make us feel guilty for talking about it; going to try and make us out to blame.

Family, friends, abusers, law enforcement, and therapists have minimized us - it's no wonder we are reticent to discuss our past and our pain!

The moderators here do an excellent job of removing posts that are dismissive or abusive, and even banning people who refuse to follow the guidelines. After having been here a few years, and seeing different situations arise and be dealt with in a functional manner, I can tell you that your posts will be met with understanding, empathy, and healthy responses. 

[Not Alone]

Does anyone else feel a bit...vulnerable/exposed after posting here about their deepest things/talking to others about it -

Absolutely. The first couple of times I sent out a minimally vulnerable post, I went back and deleted those in less then a minute. I still will type and then. . .backspace. Not ready yet. The more that I do post and receive kind, helpful responses, it increases my trust. In truth, every time someone posts, it is a risk.

[holidayay]

Does anyone else feel a bit...vulnerable/exposed after posting here about their deepest things/talking to others about it

Yes, absolutely. I think I've been a member here a little over 3 years now (idk for sure bcuz I freaked out and deleted my first profile while in a horrible flashback). It took me two years before I was able to share some of my background. I was so afraid of not being believed, or triggering someone else, or having my experiences and pain minimized.

This, I think, is what happens to us when our abusers minimize the impact of what they've done to us. Comments they make when confronted are along the lines of -

   Why are you so upset?
   You don't know how lucky you are!
   That never happened to you.
   You're making things up.
   Other people have it much tougher than you.
   You had food and a roof over your head!
   I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
   If that's true, then....

We learn that others are: Not going to believe us; going to tell us to be quiet about it; going to try and make us feel guilty for talking about it; going to try and make us out to blame.

Family, friends, abusers, law enforcement, and therapists have minimized us - it's no wonder we are reticent to discuss our past and our pain!

The moderators here do an excellent job of removing posts that are dismissive or abusive, and even banning people who refuse to follow the guidelines. After having been here a few years, and seeing different situations arise and be dealt with in a functional manner, I can tell you that your posts will be met with understanding, empathy, and healthy responses. 

Oh my goodness, yes. Those questions/statement I too heard endlessly in response to my needs/expressing myself
.
I saw this on another website:

'The narcissist's prayer: That didn’t happen- & if it did, it wasn’t that bad- & if it was, that’s not a big deal- & if it is, that’s not my fault- & if it was, I didn’t mean it- & if I did, you deserved it.'

Horrible. No wonder we feel scared about responses to us.
I'm glad you've been able to feel like you can post in time, and its so good to hear that people on this site generally respond well. So far, everyone has been very lovely, I must say. 

[Snowdrop]

'The narcissist's prayer: That didn't happen- & if it did, it wasn't that bad- & if it was, that's not a big deal- & if it is, that's not my fault- & if it was, I didn't mean it- & if I did, you deserved it.'

That's horrific, but horribly familiar.

I find posting here can be scary, but it's so validating, and as notalone said, it helps to build trust.

[Jazzy]

Yeah, its taken me  a couple of years to start a journal / post things I've kept hidden. I think we all need time to get comfortable, but from what I've seen, everyone's been great here. Its tough not to imagine the worst sometimes.

I totally want a brownie now! Maybe you can share your recipe in the cafe section if its not secret?